“What are you, a lawyer?”

…is my third-favorite line from Rushmore, and I love saying it to people. If I ever said it to Nicki Minaj, though, she would probably punch me because, two things:

1) Nicki Minaj is not a lawyer.
2) Nicki Minaj totally wanted to be a lawyer.

In this month’s Vogue, my favorite space alien is all greened-up like a Star Trek character, and she is freaking hot, OK.

And then there is this quote:

A huge part of me wanted to be a lawyer! I would do a really good job as a prosecutor.

When Nicki Minaj says it, man, I believe it. She is terrifying.

Like if Nicki Minaj were a Law & Order character, she would win every time. She would just strut in, put her hand on her hip, and go, “The prosecution rests, your Honor,” and everyone would be like, “We are ready to render a verdict in favor of whatever Nicki Minaj just said.”

There isn’t much to say about Minaj’s personal life—not only is this an article about highfalutin fashion, the fact is, Minaj won’t spill:

She currently lives in a condo in L.A., where she moved for the weather but also to escape “some bad memories.” Though she declines to divulge much about her personal life, she readily admits to snuggling up in hotel beds, unwinding after a performance by watching Forensic Files and Judge Judy. Minaj insists she’s terrible at small talk and never goes out much, except for the occasional foray to a favorite restaurant. “I went to Negril the other night, and I brought, like, ten of the fans who were waiting outside with me, and bought them all food!”

See, I totally admire this. I am a chronic gushy oversharer—I am beginning to think my condition can’t be helped—and I admire Minaj’s tight-lipped discipline. But she’s also one of those pop stars I know nothing about and that is fine. Like, I really don’t even want to know more than she is willing to tell, because I love her blithely and unconditionally, you guys.

(Image filched from ‘Vogue’ by way of ONTD.)

Does anyone remember when, a month ago, Stephen Colbert interviewed children’s book author Maurice Sendak? And it was priceless?

I didn’t get around to linking to Part II of the interview, because I suck, but better late than never, right? Hey! Look! There it is!

In Part II, Colbert pitches his idea for a kids’ book to Sendak. The book’s title? I Am a Pole. Really.

Now the American dream has become a reality! The Hollywood Reporter:

Stephen Colbert has made good on his promise to famed children’s author Maurice Sendak that he would “cash in” on the wave of children’s books by celebrity authors. Grand Central Books announced today that it would publish Colbert’s I Am a Pole (And So Can You!) on May 8.

Colbert pitched the idea of a book about a flagpole’s search for its identity during a two-part interview in late January with Sendak, author of Where the Wild Things Are. The interview became a viral sensation, and Colbert’s fans pushed for an actual book.

Colbert even got Sendak to endorse the project in the announcement. The book is “terribly ordinary,” Sendak says, but “the sad thing is I like it.”

Colbert adds, “I hope the minutes you and your loved ones spend reading it are as fulfilling as the minutes I spent writing it.”

I am so excited! (I am also thrilled for The Colbert Report to come back on air. Godspeed, Steve!)

You guys, I am pretty sure that the dastardly minds at Vivid Entertainment don’t actually film the sex scenes until after they release their porn trailers.

I am almost not joking. They film this stuff right in their offices (I like to think, anyway), then slap the trailers on YouTube to gauge audience interest. And if there is any fanfare whatsoever, they’re like, screw it! Screw it, film it, ship it, we’re done! Another hit in the bag!

Also, this trailer is so, so wrong. It is bad and evil and disturbing and wrong, and it’s mostly safe for workplace viewing, but it will also probably ruin your life forever.

Watch at your own peril!

You guys! It’s the trailer for Girls, premiering on HBO on April 15! Which is too bad: if you identify with the main character in any small way, you probably can’t afford HBO, either! Ha, ha!

I personally identify with “stop the bike!” and immediately pitching forward off some dude’s handlebars. There is no reason to ride up Chicago Avenue at 2:30 a.m. on a stranger’s handlebars, no sirree.

Depressingly, the Judd Apatow-produced comedy is about “being 24,” which is an age I barely remember (at 24 I worked in an cubicle and sometimes slept under my desk, thank you). In fact, I don’t think I really hit the “odyssey years” wall until I was at least 27. Hmm. I wonder how many 40-year olds will identify with the women in this show instead. Hmm.

The show stars 24-year-old writer/actress Lena Dunham as “Hannah”; Dunham is making the big leap from various web series to actual TV. Oh, she’s also made a movie, I guess.

Aren’t you thrilled? Doesn’t the trailer look terrific?

Or are you bored? Does the trailer instead look irritating in a distinctly self-aggrandizing, miserable Williamsburg way? Let me know in the comments!

Hey! Remember a scant few days ago when Charlie Sheen phoned TMZ and said he was “tired of pretending Ashton doesn’t suck“?

Sorry about that, Ashton!

Charlie would like to formally submit this apology:

Dear Ashton-
My bad.
I was disrespectful to a man doing his best.
I got excited and threw you into a crossfire.
The rest of my statement I stand behind.
You, however, deserve better.
Safety in your travels good sir.
- The “late” Charlie Harper

Ah-ha! So Charlie Sheen still thinks Two and a Half Men sucks, but he never meant to include Ashton in his takedown. Sure!

(I especially like how his note reads a little like the type of love poem you’d leave on somebody’s windshield.)

OK, seriously, what’s Sheen’s game, here? I’m half-convinced he’s trying to drum up more interest in his upcoming TV series Anger Management by being blithely, barely controversial.

Oh, Charlie Sheen, you bad boy of television with all your truth bullets. Whatever works!

The “Ish People Say” YouTube trend has finally exploded. Or imploded—I’m not sure which, actually. How can I tell? David Spade is all over it. David Spade. Is all over it.

Oh, also? Watch for Alison Brie (love her) and Tommy Lee. And Kevin Farley, who I did not recognize!

Lolololololololol at “I don’t cry myself to sleep.” The rest of these one-liners are a little too crass to list. (And by the way! Don’t watch this at work!)