Hello, beeters! It’s that time again – a new photo, a new chance to caption for a sweet Evil Beet t-shirt. Remember guys, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Therefore, take a look at the photo above and give us your funniest, most unique captions below, then check back next week to find out if you’ve won.

As for last week’s Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Lawrence photo, here’s the winners below.

Winner: Pita with “Hahaha, good one, Fairy Godmother, but I thought you promised to turn this horse into a carriage?”

Runner-up: Splig with “Sarah’s head piece reminds Jennifer of how her armpits looked before the Met Gala!”

So come on guys, get captioning on this week’s photo!

Jon Bon Jovi‘s been touring for about eight gazillion years and he’s still raking in the money, so I think he knows a thing or two about hitting the road and keeping fans happy. That’s why, instead of speaking up urging Justin Bieber to stop being an asshole and a waste of space, he’s instead warning Baby Elvis against showing up late for his shows, because people don’t like waiting. Well, okay.

From The London Evening Standard:

The 51-year-old rock singer, who has a reputation as one of the hardest-working men in music, claimed the teenage star risks alienating his fans if he continues to disappoint.

Bieber later blamed “technical issues” and claimed he was only 40 minutes late for the show in March.

Jon, speaking to the Standard in Vienna on the latest leg of the band’s Because We Can world tour, said: “Every generation has guys that do that, none of that is new.

“They run the risk of disrespecting their audience members who have worked hard to pay for their ticket, to give you the permission to take two or three hours of their lives — or in that kid’s case, 80 minutes of their lives.

“Do it once, you can be forgiven. Do it enough times and shame on you. They won’t have you back. Then it just becomes a cliché. It’s really not cool — you’re an asshole. Go to f***in’ work!”

Well, I guess he did mention him being an asshole, after all. And while this is a definite symptom of asshole-ism, it’s certainly not the only one. That being said, one of my Top 5 pet peeves is sitting around waiting for people who can’t be bothered to show up to shit on time. I managed to get here, why couldn’t you? Take that tardy for the party bullshit elsewhere, ‘cos I’m not having it. I was raised to be five minutes early to shit – the world doesn’t wait for you, you know?

Taylor Swift has a pretty bangin’ body, so everyone get over it [The Superficial]

Matt Damon and Michael Douglas are promoting their Liberace movie in Cannes [Lainey Gossip]

‘Mike & Molly’ tornado-themed episode gets pulled by CBS [Starpulse]

Anne Hathaway shops with friends in New York (Anne Hathaway has friends?) [Splash News Online]

Olivia Munn is showing off her boobs because when doesn’t she? [Taxi Driver Movie - NSFW]

Miley Cyrus just won’t stay out of bikinis these days [Drunken Stepfather - NSFW]

Khloe Kardashian writes an open letter to the Internet about Kim [Amy Grindhouse]

Brad Pitt’s on the cover of ‘Esquire’, really needs to cut his hair [ICYDK]

Nicole Kidman knows how to rock cap-toe pumps! [Yeeeah]

Zach Galifianakis is so strange, and yet so funny [theBERRY]

Sharon Stone is having lunch with Roberto Cavalli on his yacht – why not? [Bohomoth]

Taylor Swift definitely wins in the “throwing shade at Justin Bieber” department [IDLYITW]

Claire Danes is in something that’s not ‘Homeland’, and here’s a trailer [I'm Not Obsessed]

Oh, Rihanna – keep showing us your ass and we’ll keep looking [Drunken Stepfather - NSFW]

Wilmer Valderrama is alive and he’s at the beach! Hurray! [Socialite Life]

Gisele Bundchen is wearing some pretty skimpy lingerie [G Celeb]

Lena Dunham is a Demi Lovato fan… of course she is [PopCrush]

Do you care about Paris Hilton? No, I don’t either [StarCrush]

Helen Mirren is fantastic and we all know it. It’s not a secret (nor has it ever been), but she’s really outdone herself this time. A 10-year-old boy who is battling cancer wished to have tea with the Queen at Buckingham Palace. I’m not sure why this didn’t happen, but Helen wasn’t allowed to let it go down like that, so she invited him backstage at The Audience and, dressed as the Queen, had tea and introduced the kid to her corgis. I LOVE IT.

From The Daily Mail:

Oliver Burton is facing his third battle with cancer and top of his bucket list was a visit to Buckingham Palace. But when the real Queen said she would not be able to meet the youngster, a limo was arranged so he could meet Dame Helen instead.

She paid for them to see her West End show in which she plays the Queen and then invited Oliver and mother Catherine Browne backstage where she introduced him to her corgis and her butler served tea. Catherine and father James were so delighted that their son actually thought the actress was the real Queen.

His father James Browne said: ‘She stayed in character for the whole thing. Oliver thought she was the real Queen, and well, that’s good enough for us.

‘She was really lovely. She did the whole thing – had a butler there, was dressed in costume and did it all properly for him.

‘She sat in Oliver’s wheelchair and gave him her big chair. She had a glass of coke together and biscuits and little sandwiches and they even brought in her corgis from the show, Coco and Roco. ‘She was wonderful and in some of the photos you do a double take because she really does look like the real Queen.

‘She knighted him and told everyone that they had to call him Sir Oliver. He had a brilliant day. He took his British flag and got her to sign it and just waved and waved it all day.’

Oh man, THAT IS SO PRECIOUS. And really, really sweet. I think my faith in humanity has gone up by a tiny percentage today.

Alright, y’all know I’m a Beyoncé fan, so I’ve been looking forward to hearing some new music for a while. We’ve had glimpses into the stuff going on in the BeyHive, sure, but now a song has leaked in full and it’s… eh, it’s okay. Maybe it’s a grower?

‘Grown Woman’ features in all the Pepsi ads she’s been doing, so you’ll likely have heard bits of this before. She’s also been performing it at some of her recent stops on the Mrs Carter world tour, so it’s not really all that “new” at this point (THANKS, INTERNET). I dunno, what do you think?

Either way, it’s nowhere near as good as Kelly Rowland‘s new single, ‘Dirty Laundry’. I never thought I’d hear myself say those words.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are apparently really over, because the actor was photographed driving his crappy truck stuffed with all of his crappy possessions off into the rolling hills of Los Feliz. I’m sparing you with one photo; The Daily Mail posted 9. photos of the same effing truck, from slightly different angles and varying distances. Nine. How effing creepy and weird is that? To have someone photograph you doing the sad break-up move-out?

Although maybe there’s a different explanation for this. Maybe he’s just helping a friend with a yard sale. lolz.

Apparently the couple discovered they “grew apart” and that’s what ended it, but it really all depends on who you ask. Some say they’re not completely broken up. For example, The Daily Mail says they’re trying something out where they’re allowed to see other people, while TMZ is insisting that Kristen Stewart is actually a hologram. So the whole thing is really very confusing. Kind of like Beyoncé’s “pregnancy.” Then again, maybe this is all Katy Perry’s fault???

Expect Rob to buy a bar soon. Trust me.

Lindsay Lohan is “safely ensconced” in rehab at long last. She’s been annoying the hell out of all of us with her rehab hopping but now that she’s in one, it may be time to leave her alone. She’s now getting criticized for how she handles withdrawal in a rehab center. From Radaronline:

The actress looks extremely haggard, her face is bloated, and it doesn’t look like she has brushed her hair in days. She looks very disheveled and has absolutely no energy since docs took away the Adderall.

I mean, come ON, she’s in rehab, she doesn’t have to look red carpet ready. And even if Lohan was abusing Adderall, withdrawal still sucks. For the record, she claims she legitimately needed it, telling Piers Morgan,

I have severe ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I can’t stand still. So I take Adderall (a prescription drug) for that, it calms me. I know people who take it to stay up, or girls who take it to supposedly stay slim because it kills your appetite. But I eat all the time. I just take it to stay calm. It works well for me.

I don’t know. I guess i’m just starting to feel like it’s time to let her be, at least until she tries to escape again.

(Jennifer Morrison)

Ke$ha showed us her butt on the red carpet at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards so it seemed unlikely that anyone could top that awful WTF-ery, and yet, it was managed. Who did it? Click to find out. But first (pun intended), Jennifer Morrison’s butt:

BEST:  Hayden Panettiere and Emmy Rossum.
WORST: Click to find out.
WTF: Just, so very many.

No, it’s not Lady Gaga; it’s someone named Z-LaLa. And it’s terrible.

Here we have Jenny McCarthy who is one of my worst picks because of this early 2000′s look. Why is she even there?

Hayden Panettiere. I like this. It’s almost a little too “mature” of a look for her, but she looks great in it. I know it’s kind of boring but in a sea of super crappy sequined bullshit it stands out.

Miley. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Emmy Rossum. Damn. She looks incredible. REALLY wish though that they sheer polkda dot bullshit ended with the sleeves.

Jennifer Lopez. She looks beautiful but I don’t like this at all. I’m sure it’s a very expensive dress but I think it looks trashy. And she really doesn’t want to give up the deep v-cut, does she?

Taylor Swift, switching up her look with a very short sequined dress and very strappy very tall open-toed heels. And is that blue toenail polish? Good heavens, Taylor! She looks stunning, she always does, but those shoes are so off. If the dress was a tad longer and the shoes less clunky this would win for my best.

Nicki Minaj in head-to-toe None Of This Is Good. I like her make up though? Maybe?

Carly Rae Jepsen has been getting edgier with her look and I’ve been a fan of it up until this. I don’t even know what this is.

Selena Gomez in I’m Confused. Her baby face combined with her adult body freaks me out. I don’t think this dress is right for her, even though she looks great in it.

And finally, the worst:

Nayer (???). I don’t think I need to explain why this is unquestionably the worst thing ever. And who brings their dog to this stuff? Aren’t your boobs enough to ensure you’ll be photographed? You had to bring a dog too?

The outfits overall were really underwhelming. What do you think?

January Jones is getting real sick of people asking her who her baby’s father is. I would be annoyed too. While she’s totally down for talking about placenta eating (which she admittedly now regrets making public), she’s never revealed the identity of the father and her son has her last name. But she doesn’t have to tell us who the father is because she doesn’t owe the public anything. Or, in her own words, from The New York Times via Celebrity Baby Scoop,

That’s my son’s business. It’s not the public’s business.

WORD. Uh but then she kinda ruined it a little by adding,

Jack Nicholson once told me: ‘You should never give your personal life away, otherwise people will pick you apart. They’ll never believe in your character.

And,

Women should have lots of secrets. It’s our right to have secrets. Otherwise, what would we write in our memoirs?

Those last two comments really aren’t strong cases for her privacy and don’t do any favors for her image of being standoffish and elitist, but I’m on her side so I’ll let them slide.

By the way, the father is Jason Sudeikis:

SOURCE: I have eyes.

Jennifer Lawrence calls herself “fat” for Hollywood, but is proud of her body (as she should be!) Here’s something to refresh your memory, in case you don’t remember this comment of hers. From EW.com:

In Hollywood, I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress. I’m Val Kilmer in that one picture on the beach.

Oh, girl, that’s mean. But she may not be saying about this about herself if not for idiots like Manohla Dargis of The New York Times who said,

A few years ago Ms. Lawrence might have looked hungry enough to play Katniss, but now, at 21, her seductive, womanly figure makes a bad fit for a dystopian fantasy about a people starved into submission.

Really sorry she didn’t Christian Bale it for you (talkin’ bout The Machinist). Also in the books Katniss was described as strong despite the lack of food because she would illegally hunt everyday for more food and –oh my God, listen to me, I’m gonna stop right here, I am NOT going to be the person who gets really into defending The Hunger Games.

The super cool Jeffrey Wells of Hollwood Elsewhere said she was “too big” for her male costar, adding,

She’s a fairly tall, big-boned lady (I’ve been in a hotel room with her) [...]

Cool, now let’s ask Jennifer Lawrence what she thought of you in that hotel room.

Then we have the awesome Justin Chang of Variety who said,

Hunger, the one constant in Katniss’ hard-scrabble life, barely even seems to register.

This is a snarky way of saying, “Fatass.” And it’s all so ridiculous because she used to model for Abercrombie & Fitch so how fat could she really be, considering we know how they feel about fat people?

What’s my damn point in sharing all of this? Because the lovely Lawrence clearly listened to this bullshit and lost all of her GROSS DISGUSTING FAT to slim down to play Mystique for the new X-Men movie.

If anything her former Hunger Games physique is perfect for Mystique, as the character is a mighty SUPER HERO. Then again, I get why Ms. Lawrence would feel pressure to slim down as her goddamn costume is PRACTICALLY NOTHING.

Look, I get it: this is how the Mystique character looks. Mystique is blue. But this is f-cking bullshit. In the comic book, Mystique actually wear clothes, and Hollywood can make the decision to say, hey, this is a reboot, let’s try something different, let’s not have our lead actress be practically naked in this one (Rebecca Romijn being the first naked Mystique). You never see male stars in ANYTHING like this. Like why don’t we see Spider-Man rocking a bulge in his skintight outfit but we practically see Jennifer Lawrence’s vagina?

You’re all going to argue with me and tell me I’m wrong anyway, so go for it.

Fun tidbit: January Jones was not invited back to reprise her character of Emma Frost for this film, and rumor is it’s because she had an affair with the director, Bryan Singer. Oh, and look, they managed to figure out a way to get her in sexy underwear for her role:

I’m sure it was crucial for the story.

I’ll get this started for you: “You’re taking this way too seriously” “You’re oversensitive” “It’s just a movie” “You’re probably ugly and/or jealous” “Ugh, why does everyone have to make everything a big deal” “I come here for celebrity gossip not for stuff like this I’m leaving” etc etc.

Cheryl Cole is looking gorgeous at the Cannes Film Festival (as usual) [Splash News Online]

Nicole Kidman is killing it in a black leather dress – damn, go Memaw! [Lainey Gossip]

Playmates really love showing off their bodies on Instagram [The Superficial]

Cara Delevingne is giving off a little side boob action [Taxi Driver Movie - NSFW]

Sofia Vergara, what big… eyebrows you have, my dear! [Drunken Stepfather - NSFW]

Is Madonna making Gwyneth Paltrow’s life a living hell? I hope so! [ICYDK]

Cee Lo and Christina Aguilera are definitely back in for ‘The Voice’s 5th season [Starpulse]

The Princess Kanye Diaries will be coming your way soon [Amy Grindhouse]

Farrah Abraham’s trying to sell a used bikini on eBay – oh dear [IDLYITW]

Beyoncé’s laughing at you if you think she faked her pregnancy [Celebitchy]

Is there anything Jennifer Lawrence can do wrong? I don’t think so [Socialite Life]

Barack Obama gives a pretty great speech to some college kids [Bossip]

Rome Fortune’s ‘Get the Guap’ might change your whole life [OMG Blog]

If nude celebs from Star Trek is your thing, you’re in luck [Taxi Driver Movie - NSFW]

Rihanna just can’t stop showing off her ass on Instagram [Drunken Stepfather - NSFW]

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck come together for his ‘SNL’ monologue [Bitten and Bound]

Chris Brown did a song with Aaliyah so now she must be rolling in her grave [Elite Daily]

Eva Longoria has had a bit of a … wardrobe malfunction, shall we say? [MoeJackson]

Emma Watson is getting see-through with it these days [G Celeb]

Say what you will about Jessica Biel, but she has a killer body [Popoholic]

Patrick Dempsey and his wife get freaky on the beach, if you care [Hollywood Backwash]

James Franco thinks one of his own movies “sucks”, but which? [TooFab]

Since we’re sharing news of fragrance campaigns, Rooney Mara has become the face of Calvin Klein’s new scent, ‘Downtown’. Calvin Klein just reminds me of CKOne and CKBe and therefore the brand has lost its cool factor but who knows, maybe the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo can bring it back!

From WWD again:

The fragrance campaign will feature print ads as well a commercial from Mara’s Girl With the Dragon Tattoo director David Fincher.

Mara said in a statement: “I am very excited to be included in the group of amazing women that have been featured in the iconic advertising campaigns for Calvin Klein fragrances. It’s an honor to be part of a brand with such a legacy of breakthrough advertising.”

A legacy of breakthrough advertising? You’ve already got the job, girl – no need to lay it on so thick. Also, why is David Fincher going to direct? Seems like a weird combo, but he’s pretty solid, so that could be a good sign.