Chris Brown can’t seem to catch a break. People are always trying to hold him responsible for his violent, misogynistic actions and stifling his artistic creativity. Well, now it gets worse: some people actually want him dead and are calling in threats to his lawyer’s office. Is this actually happening? Is it a ploy for sympathy? Who can say, but take ‘er away, TMZ:

The Los Angeles Police Department is currently investigating death threats made against Chris Brown … TMZ has learned.

According to our sources, multiple threats were called in to the office of Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos. We’re told the caller threatened Chris’ life … but it’s unclear what, if any, specific threats were made.

Our sources say Geragos took the threats very seriously and immediately reported them to the LAPD, giving them all the information he had on the calls.

We’re told Geragos filled out a report and the LAPD are currently investigating.

Something in the water ain’t clean here -  I just don’t think this happened at all. After all, Chris Brown didn’t JUST get this reprehensible last week. He’s been an insufferable waste of space for years, so it’d be a bit anti-climactic for someone to get all up in arms now. Is this because of the devil art on his walls? Eh, whatever.

RPattz and KStew are a match made in cheating vampire heaven, and there’s nothing that can tear them apart. Well, not for long, anyway. For now, however, not even Grandma’s pearl ring can keep them together and they’ve decided to call it quits long enough for Kristen to hook up with Rupert Sanders again and for Rob to perform an emo acoustic set at some seedy LA open mic night. In other words, it’s not forever.

From People:

As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.

But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.

The news follows online reports that Pattinson ditched out on his 27th birthday plans arranged by Stewart.

Oh my God, how could this be happening? More importantly, will Nutty Madam issue a statement? One can hope so. Speaking of hopes, I’m not giving up on the OTP that is KStew/TNast.

Kanye West is not a comedian and won’t be doing no f-cking skits ever or whatever, but he did actually turn up to Saturday Night Live and perform two new songs from his upcoming album Yeezus (yes, seriously) – ‘Black Skinheads’ and ‘New Slaves’. Well, those are… provocative titles. Too bad the execution leaves a whole lot to be desired – and that’s coming from someone who can appreciate his musical talents despite thinking he’s batshit insane.

‘Black Skinheads’ seems to have some pretty grand aspirations, but uh, Kanye? Marilyn Manson called and he wants his beat back. Also, The Black Keys called and asked if you could return their vocal effects. Oops, wait, one more message here, sorry, nearly forgot. Wackness called and congratulated you for outdoing it.

As for ‘New Slaves’, I can deal with this slightly more, but it still sounds like he wrote this shit when he got some particularly potent weed and was having mild hallucinations. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but I just wish he would stop trying to accomplish so much in a single track. Not only that, but I wish he’d stop making it in-your-face to the point of contrivance. I bet Kim’s got this bumping in some of those pregnancy belly headphones, though.

Kim Kardashian is planning to put the Kris Jenner parenting approach into action once she gives birth, so it might be helpful if she has a girl. After all, we see how hard it is for Kris to pimp Rob out. Well, lucky for Kim, her little one just might be lucky enough to continue the royal lineage of selling yourself for very large amounts of money, because rumour has it that she’s having a daughter.

From E! Online:

Kim Kardashian’s baby shower preparations are well under way.

In fact, invitations have gone out to a select group of friends and family members for a June 2 baby-themed bash to celebrate the impending arrival of Kim and Kanye West’s first child, E! News exclusively confirms.

And as you might have guessed, these weren’t just any old store-bought invitations…

They arrived at their intended destinations in music boxes that, when opened, played Kanye’s tune, “Hey Mama,” the tribute track he wrote for his own mother, as a wind-up ballerina twirled.

Oh, brother. I don’t trust Kim and Kanye with any child, but I shudder to think of the future that baby Kimye has in front of her. Two egomaniacs for parents, one with serious delusions of grandeur and a problem with misplaced anger and the other nearly naked all the time without the sense God gave her. Therapists, wait by the phone.

P.S. Dem feet, tho.

Listen, burglary isn’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and no one deserves to have their privacy violated, celebrity or otherwise. That being said, I can’t lie: it definitely made me laugh when I read that Paris Hilton cried watching Bling Ring, Sofia Coppola’s movie about the real-life celebrity burglaries of ’08-’09. She was even in the movie and allowed scenes to be filmed in her house, but she still found it pretty upsetting.

From Vulture:

“I was really emotional watching it,” Hilton confessed to me last night at the movie’s hot-ticket Nikki Beach after-party. “During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”

Oh man, that’s kinda tough and I guess I feel for her a bit. But wait, there’s an up side. She got to show off her mansion!!!!

“I designed everything in the house, so it was really cool to see it on film,” she said. It shows: Hilton’s house is a tribute to Hilton herself, and as the celebrity-obsessed Bling Ringers raid her walk-in shoe closet and party in her “nightclub room,” Hilton’s limpid face stares back at them, emblazoned on all the pillows, artwork, and walls. “That house is like my dream house,” she told me. “I worked so hard on every detail.”

Aaaaaand my levels of sympathy have gone down again.

Justin Bieber is a little shit who thinks it’s cool to spit in people’s faces, walk around shirtless and oh, try to smuggle his pet monkey into a foreign country and then leave it there when he’s caught by customs. That last bit happened earlier this year and Germany authorities gave Bieber until midnight last night (Friday) to get the correct paperwork over to them or else Mally the monkey was going to be put down. I’ll give you one guess as to whether or not he actually did that. If you chose “nope”, ding ding ding! We have a winner. Of course, it won’t be completely confirmed whether or not it happened until Tuesday, but the poor animal’s been there since the end of March. He’s not suddenly going to take interest at the eleventh hour. Asshole.

From Sky News:

The singer’s 17-week-old capuchin, called Mally, was seized by customs staff at Munich’s Franz Josef Strauss Airport after he failed to produce the correct papers for the animal. The Canadian star was detained “for some time” while customs officials took Mally into quarantine at the airport. Mally was sent to a Munich Animal Protection League (MAPL) animal shelter, where he has remained unclaimed since March 28.

Customs officials said that if Bieber did not produce the papers by midnight on May 17 then Mally would become the property of Germany. The deadline fell after offices closed for a three-day holiday weekend in Germany, and it won’t be clear before Tuesday whether the documents arrived.

Officials will also be billing the pop star for the monkey’s care, vet visits and food – an invoice that will run to several thousand pounds.

MAPL said that they had received two emails claiming to be from Bieber’s management company. In the messages, they were asked how long they had to produce the paperwork before the monkey would be put down, and secondly whether it could be given to a zoo. Custom officials say they have yet to receive any formal request for that from Bieber or any of his representatives.

Speaking last month, customs spokesman Thomas Meister, said: “If by May 17 there is nothing, then he loses ownership of the animal and it becomes the property of the Federal Republic of Germany.

“If Bieber really does want to place the animal in a zoo, he is welcome to contact customs authorities and forfeit Mally at any time, but will likely have to pay costs associated with keeping the monkey so far and a fine.”

Bieber flew his pet, understood to have been a 19th birthday president from music producer Jamal Rashid on March 1, to Munich on the Cessna Citation X he rents for £13,000-a-time.

I would like to think that the monkey will go to a zoo and live a happy life jumping between trees, eating bananas and having posable thumbs, but for some reason, I don’t think that’s going to happen. :(

George Michael recently completed another stint in rehab, but he’s made news again after he got into a “mystery” car crash on a motorway on Thursday and was taken to a local hospital. I should clarify that he was airlifted to hospital, where he was treated for “superficial cuts and bruises”. Great use of NHS resources, guys! Thumbs up all around. To be fair, they were worried he might have more serious unseen injuries, but luckily, he’s alright.

From Metro:

There had been fears that the singer, 49, suffered more serious injuries after being airlifted from the scene at junction 6A, near St Albans, Hertfordshire.

However, reports suggest the former Wham! star has now been released from hospital – and his long-term boyfriend Fadi Fawaz reiterated that George is ‘perfectly fine’.

‘Of course I was worried, but I spoke to him and he is good,’ said the 39-year-old.

‘He suffered a few bruises but there is nothing to worry about.’

The cause of the crash, that involved only the Range Rover in which the pop star was a passenger, remains a mystery pending a full investigation by the police.

And Fawaz added: ‘I have no idea what happened.’

A spokesman for the police force said: ‘The exact circumstances of what happened are unclear at this time and until further investigations have been carried out, it would be inappropriate for us to comment.’

Earlier, an East of England Ambulance spokesman said: ‘A man was immobilised on a spinal board as a precautionary measure, then flown to a trauma centre for further tests after receiving a head injury.

‘The injuries are non-life threatening.’

A spokeswoman for the Freedom singer had said: ‘George Michael was a passenger in a vehicle involved in a traffic accident, no third party was involved.

‘He is being treated for superficial cuts and bruises but is fine. We have no further comment at this time.’

I’m not sure why know one knows what happened since George Michael is alive and well to tell the tale of exactly went down. Did the police not think to take a statement on this at all? It seems a bit shady. I know he wasn’t the one driving or anything, but here’s hoping George isn’t going to need another trip to rehab.

It’s still all based on “multiple sources” at this point, but Beyoncé is really pregnant, I guess. I still don’t really believe it and I won’t until she announces it with one of those notes she writes in black Sharpie and posts on her Instagram. Maybe I’m in denial, but y’all know I got tickets for August and I’m trying to enjoy the Mrs. Carter tour. A 6-month pregnant belly is not going to be dutty wine-ing to ‘Freakum Dress’, so I’m holding out hope that this isn’t true because I’m selfish.

From E! Online:

That’s right: Superstar supermom Beyoncé is expecting her second child with hubby Jay-Z, multiple sources exclusively confirm to E! News.

The news follows rampant speculation that the “Countdown” songbird was pregnant, even as the couple remained tight-lipped about their ever-growing family.

Rumors first began churning that the Grammy winner was with child when, earlier this month, she walked the red carpet at the Met Gala wearing a custom-made Givenchy gown that deftly concealed her stomach, its bodice cinched high above the waist just as its intricate pattern made it difficult to discern any change in her silhouette.

Who are these “sources”? Why won’t Beyoncé put everyone out of their misery? Wahhh!

Oh, Fergie Ferg. She’s having her first baby with husband and hottie (to some?) Josh Duhamel, and that’s great, right? You know, despite the fact that her immediate reaction to discovering her pregnancy was to note that “shit just got real“? Guys?

Alright, listen. Fergalicious admits that she’s not really all that maternal and even incubating her child in her womb hasn’t really kicked that in yet. I don’t think that’s necessarily an issue, and it’s bullshit women’s/parenting mags that like to make women feel like there’s ONE correct way to react to everything in life. If you’re not shitting yourself with delight over putting 86 yellow (neutral colour, natch) onesies on your Target baby registry, there’s something wrong with you. I mean, there isn’t, but that’s what they’d like you to believe.

From OMG! Yahoo:

“I’m still waiting for my maternal instincts to kick in, really. I’m sure a lot of new moms can really relate to that, so I’m hoping it’ll happen before it comes out,” she revealed.

Having kids is a mindblowing experience that’s hard to come to terms with the reality of, so why should she be going nuts already? If you are, cool, but there’s nothing wrong with NOT being that way. Sounds to me like she’s bricking it because she’s realising that her whole life as she knows it is going to be turned upside down and start revolving around a little wrinkly crying thing that takes all of your time, energy, attention and money. I’d probably feel pretty similar.

Mariah Carey, in a diabolical feathered gown, sang her face off last night in the season finale of American Idol — or DID she? A lot of people are freaking out, pointing fingers, saying she was actually lip synching her Mariah’s greatest hits medley. Maybe she did, considering she and everyone else on the judging panel got fired, and this is her way of saying, “Thanks, bye.” Like maybe she doesn’t even care. Or maybe she actually was singing. I can’t tell. It looks like she’s singing but there’s something very smooth about it. But maybe that’s because she’s a professional who has been singing since she was but a wee child in a diabolical feathered gown.

Watch it and tell us what you think.

Kanye West is NOT A CELEBRITY so we shouldn’t even be talking about this, but apparently Kanye is scheduling a tour for his upcoming album in October and word has it that Kim Kardashian is going to take her newly born moneylump and follow him. From TMZ:

There are reports Kim felt like Kanye was abandoning her by scheduling a tour for his new album in October — just three months after she’s expected to give birth — but sources close to the touring company tell us, that’s not true … because Kim and the baby are coming along for the ride.

And she’s not messing around either — we’re told the touring company has already been given orders to arrange for cribs and soundproof hotel rooms at every stop.

Ball so hard.

Hope your bus can float, Kim, because you know he’s hitting up all of Europe. He’ll probably go to Antarctica if it can buy him more time away from you and your childrearing plan. Not that it isn’t a great idea to bring a newly born baby on a tour bus for months.

Courtney Stodden says she made a sex tape, and thankfully it’s not with Some Dude From Lost. No, this tape is all Stodden. “Tape.” It’s probably a digital recording, although she swears no one can “hack” it. I’ll just let her speak in her own darling words. From Eonline:

Hackers, don’t even go there cause you’ll find nothing.

YEAH HACKERS, DON’T EVEN. Justo to reiterate, her husband/Some Dude From Lost is NOT in the video. She says,

[It's] just me. I don’t want to put any images in people’s mind; I’m gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want.

Thank you, Courtney! So kind of you. She says she’s not going to release it (“no, this is personal”) and that it was recently done because, “I turned 18 in August, so you do the math.”

Ms. Stodden also said she hasn’t submitted any nude photos to Playboy yet, as though they’re waiting on baited breath. I think they’re probably too intimidated by her naked shoot for Girls And Corpses magazine to take her on, because how could they do better? Once you elevate something, you gotta keep it rising.

So enjoy these photos of Ms. Stodden from “a fashion show in West Hollywood.”