And her problem is “looking like this when she drinks,” and not necessarily having an actual issue with alcohol like, you know, being unable to stop consuming it. No, I think the biggest problem we’re dealing with here is Cammy’s big old drunkface, because it’s WOW. It’s all up in there; it’s all over the place. And why is the bottom of her hair wet? Is it puke? Is it just backsplash from vomiting in the john? Because if her hair were as short as it used to be, that might not have happened, but then again, she’d probably be drinking so heavily in that case that she’d be passed out in the toilet and not even out and about and able to make this epic drunkface. I guess we should probably be thanking our lucky stars in one way or another.

Anyway. This is Cameron Diaz leaving a club at three o’clock this morning, and if you check out the photos in the gallery, you’ll see that she gets a little help walking to her car. And in light of that, what I want to know is why all of these celebrities feel it a necessity to have handlers escorting them out of a club, putting their hands on them and steadying them and making sure that they get into their waiting vehicles OK. Because you see it all of the time. Celebrities drunk and falling out of clubs while burly men grasp their elbows and occasionally their waists if they’re really loaded, and you hardly ever see any of these celebrities bite it and land on the ground.

I mean, when I was in my very, very early twenties (and OK, my late, late teens), I was leaving bars without the help of any burly men, and if and when I bit it and landed on the ground on my way out, you know what happened? Well. Let’s just say that I didn’t have any “friends” there to steady me or pick me up, because they were all too busy pointing and laughing at my silly ass on the ground. These celebrities, guys, I just don’t know. It’s like they have no sense of reality or something.

Looking good, girl!

“There was a little misunderstanding. I said, ‘Oh I just want a little bit off’ … and it went from here to here. … I just burst into tears and started crying, and I felt so vulnerable. For a woman to all of a sudden have no hair, oh my god. I felt really bad, she felt really bad, she started crying, I started crying, a couple of other people started crying.”

Wait. “For a woman to all of a sudden have no hair.” What’s that? No, really—what is that, and why is she including me in it? Wait, you mean she’s not? She’s only talking about herself and her own personal experience in being self-conscious about something that doesn’t really matter at all? Oh. OK. Because I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why she’d say “for a woman to all of a sudden have no hair, oh my god,” because I am a woman, and I, too, have had “bad” haircuts. I’ve had long, wavy hair down to my ass and I’ve had hair that was literally a half-inch long. I’ve pretty much run the gamut of hair lengths, and nothing about its length, condition, or color ever made me feel like less of a woman.

So, what, Cameron? Short hair isn’t as feminine as long blonde locks? There’s a length that women just shouldn’t go, because it’s not fitting? I’m not really sure I’m understanding what you’re saying, and I’m not all that comfortable completely chalking my cloudy fugue today solely to the half-bottle of NyQuil that I’ve ingested over the last twelve hours, nor am I being blinded by the massive pile of tissues that are dotted across my desk, threatening to close in on my notebook, looking like poisonous jelly fish floating around in barrel. No, it’s not just the massive head cold that’s got me a little foggy, it’s your unspoken reasoning behind the “stigma” of short hair on women.

Can you do a sister a solid and clear that up for me? Huh, girl?

Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:

Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.

From Deadline:

In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.

Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.

Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.

I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.

Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?

Here’s how this happened: I was browsing through some celebrity photos, trying to see if there was anything you guys absolutely had to see, when all of a sudden I was just a little startled. I was startled such a tiny amount because I was going through thumbnails, but when I opened the picture, I was way more startled. You guys, it was that picture that I put up there, that picture of Cameron Diaz and her big shiny face. I was blinded. I just kept looking at the photo for several minutes, trying to figure out what happened, why Cameron’s face looked like that. Why it was so tense and seemingly immobile and … just shiny.

I did a little more digging, and it looks like other people had the same exact question. And those people hollered at a plastic surgeon to see if he could figure out what the deal was:

“There’s something about Cameron Diaz’s face that is very unusual,” celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn, who has not worked with the star, told RadarOnline.com in an exclusive interview.

“She looks like she’s preparing to take her costar Jim Carrey’s role in The Mask!”

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, it was less than a month ago when formerly flat chested Cameron’s suddenly voluptuous figure sparked speculation that she had gotten breast implants.

The Bad Teacher star showcased her startling new look at the 2012 Versace Spring/Summer show during Paris Fashion Week, where she gave Donatella Versace a run for her money in the fake stakes!

“Her forehead is excessively smooth, a possible consequence of overdone Botox injections. Her face also looks extremely shiny,” Dr. Youn went on to say about Cameron.

“Although I do not believe she’s had a facelift,” he explained. “Laser treatments or chemical peels could account for her smooth, shiny skin. I recommend that she get some mattifying gel as soon as possible to calm it down.”

It is not the first time that Diaz has had work done on her face. In 2006, she admitted to having a nose job but claimed it was for “medical purposes,” after she broke it in a surfing accident.

The only things I know about plastic surgery I learned from watching Bridalplasty and other such fine programming, but that bit about how she should get some mattifying gel, I was like “oh yeah, totally, mattifying gel, stat!” You think Cameron would have thought about that, right? But then again, she’s a girl who once said “I don’t give a f*ck what other people think,” and that seems to be something she lives by.

Do you think Cameron has had any plastic surgery recently?

You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.

Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:

I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.

I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.

I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.

Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:

I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.

I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.

From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:

Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.

Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.

Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”

There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.

Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.

Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.

Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.

So, wow. I realize that I give Cameron Diaz a lot of shit (for her face), but there’s no denying that this chick is in shape, huh? Jeez Louise. She’s naturally slender and toned without looking emaciated or muscle-bound, and she’s got enough of a backside to keep some people interested. She’s also thirty-nine years old, and that gives me hope that there are women out there who are approaching forty who don’t feel the need to get every single tiny inch of extra skin or – gasp! – “fat” trimmed and tucked and burned off their bodies with scalpels and soldering irons.

Anyway, the hair. This, however, I can’t say I’m a fan of. I think Diaz looks tons better when she’s got something long and not-so-blonde on her melon to whip around, and I don’t think the cut (or the color) flatters what she’s got going on up there. Now, I don’t know if this is a desperate bid to get Justin Timberlake or A-Rod back, but if it is, girlfriend better try some new tactics. I think the last thing she wants to do is bring attention to her mug, and this cut is doing nothing but that.

What do you guys think – Love it? Leave it?