“The only thing I don’t like on young people is plastic surgery. The purity of youthful beauty is so fantastic to me that it’s horrific when young girls get fake things.”

Helen Mirren on, of course, plastic surgery.

I think she’s sending a good message here, and I like Helen a lot. However, this, coming from someone who’s publicly spoken in the past about being OK with plastic surgery, though she’s never allegedly gotten any herself, is probably kind of confusing to those young’uns she’s referring to. I mean, where’s the line? Does “young people” end at eighteen? Twenty-one? Thirty? It’s really all open to interpretation – especially if you ask our new friend Courtney Stodden. Sheesh.

I can’t really explain to you why I love Helen Mirren so much, but I really do. She’s equal parts funny and classy, which I think is pretty rare to find nowadays. And since I love her so much, it just stands to reason that some of you would love her too, and if some of you love her too, then some of you have to want to see her topless.

You’re welcome.

Photo courtesy of Amy Grindhouse

And I’ve got a myriad of photos to prove it!

Well, OK. No, not every celebrity known to man, but a bunch that allowed themselves to be photographed. I mean, it is New York City after all, right?

I love Helen Mirren. And I know that she’s got a massive movie repertoire of fabulous roles and big-name productions, but you know what I remember her most for? Her best performance, in my opinion, to date? Teaching Mrs. Tingle. Remember that movie? Where Joey Potter Katie Holmes, the good girl, loses her V-card to that creepy close-eyed guy from whatever wholesome show used to be on, 7th Heaven or whatever, and they take the bitch teacher, Mrs. Tingle, hostage in her own home?

Crazy movie.

Mirren’s taking on another role, where she plays a Madam in Reno, Nevada, and her character’s supposed to be just as off-the-wall as Mrs. Tingle. Mirren recently sat with New York Magazine and bared her soul — and her boobies:

On being “notorious”:

“I am a little notorious… It’s weird when your life becomes vintage, like a period movie … I’m getting less notorious as I get older. People forget that I ever was.”

On being “the good girl who’d like to be a bad one”:

“It’s true! I haven’t grown out of that, have I?” she says, laughing. “I’m still the good girl who wants to be a bad girl. But I’ll never make it as a bad girl … I’m not a prude or a moralist and I never have been, but I’m too fearful, too much of a wimp, really.” When her husband tried to convince her to spend a night at the Mustang Ranch, Mirren refused. “I said, ‘Read my lips: I’m not going to spend a night in a brothel.’?” In the end, she dispensed with research and simply took direction. “It’s amazing how quickly you get into dildos everywhere and pink-feather handcuffs. Within an hour you’re completely used to it.”

Mirren on the younger generation:

“I’m thrilled young girls are claiming their sexuality for themselves … I love bold women: Madonna and Scarlett Johansson—sexy and gorgeous, but not only that. And Miley Cyrus—fantastic! And Lady Gaga. I love the way she’s elevated pop to performance art, or dragged performance art down to pop, or maybe made a wonderful amalgam of the two.” With her coy smile, Mirren looks like the conspiring queen who’s usurped the throne, securing the kingdom for her heirs: “My girls: Miley, Scarlett, Lady Gaga. My team … Yes.”

I’ll bet Dame Helen wouldn’t object to non-crotch shots of Miley Cyrus. She’d probably laugh and scoff and say, “That wasn’t a crotch shot back in my day … You wanna see a crotch shot? I’ll show you a crotch shot …”

And shortly thereafter, pandemonium ensues.

I happen to adore Elizabeth Banks’ elegant grey dress (above). It should be noted, however, that the opinions expressed in this article and the two previous ones are not necessarily the opinions of Evilbeet.com. Sasha’s take on the gown? “Love Eilzabeth Banks. Haaaate her dress.”
Nicole Richie wore a beaded snuggie that showed off her back tatoos and Jennifer Lopez showed up wrapped in a mattress pad. I wonder if she and Amanda Seyfried had it out backstage; they’re pretty much wearing mirror images of the same roll of two-ply toilet paper.

Sarah Jessica Parker was there, but as usual, I can’t figure out whether she looks gorgeous and glamorous, or like a fashion victim with a hangover.

Also in this group: Tina Fey, Stana Katic, Queen Latifah, Monique, Molly Ringwald, Mariska Hargitay, Jane Seymour, and Super Classy Bitch Helen Mirren.

Betty White gets top billing, both because she is awesome and because I know she’d appreciate me putting her picture immediately under the heading “The SAG Awards.”

Betty received the lifetime achievement award at the  such-n-such annual Screen Actor’s Guild Awards (do you really care what number it is?) which are being held as we speak. Well, as I type.

And Betty was also the most badass bitch on the red carpet.

Diane Kruger and Helen Mirren both looked lovely and classy as well, while Jeff Bridges cleaned up nice in a sharp tuxedo.  Everyone really classed it up tonight. The worst dressed person was probably Drew Barrymore, and she didn’t really look bad, just disheveled, as she is wont to do.