Taylor “Llama” Lautner is 21 and dull as hell and is dating a 27-year-old Greek-Canadian actress, Marie Avgeropoulos.
And that’s why we call him Taylor “Llama” Lautner.
According to USA Today, The Daily News, and The Daily Mail, the co-stars are more than co-stars as they were seen, “holding hands, snuggling, [and taking] the ritual selfie.” I can’t find this selfie, but I did find many, many pictures Taylor posted of himself, mostly publicity photos, on his Instagram. Cringe central.
Listen, Ms. Avgeropoulos, I don’t know you and I don’t know Taylor Lautner, but I know this is a bad idea. You do NOT want to date a 21-year-old when you’re in your late 20′s. You are at two totally different places in your lives. It’s almost as bad as this relationship. Keep it to light fooling around, but maybe not even bother with that.
To be honest, I’ve never been involved in any of those situations [cheating], so I don’t know [if trust can be regained]. It would be just a guess and a shot in the dark, and I don’t want to give that if I haven’t even been there myself. [But] I absolutely think it’s possible [to fix the relationship]. It depends on how long you were with that person. If it was a long, serious relationship, I think it’s quite easy to rekindle. I guess it depends on what damage has been done. There’s no ex out there who I’m not friends with today, and I’m extremely thankful for that. Honesty and loyalty are key. If two people can be honest with each other about everything, that’s probably the biggest key to success. I like to think of myself as very loyal, and I love everyone I surround myself with, whether they’re friends or girlfriends or whatever. I love loyal people. [And] Kristen in fantastic at everything she does. I’m always proud of her.
So right. I’m not even all that interested in what he has to say about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, because come on. Clearly Taylor’s just trying to slice himself up a piece of the publicity pie that Kristen baked for Rupert Sanders’ teeny penis, and everyone’s really just interested in finding out whether or not Taylor Squared is banging again. I mean, you read that bit about being friendly with all exes, right? It’s happening, totally.
This year’s list is pretty predictable, when you take into consideration the biggest things that’ve happened this year—the second-to-last ‘Twilight’ movie debuted, Adele won every award known to man, (kill me for saying this, but) “girl power” dominated the charts with Katy Perry, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, and Taylor Swift, and of course there’s Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne. And that’s the list, guys. The whole thing. All of it. Check it out:
This November, the second part of Breaking Dawn will be released. This will be the last Twilight movie ever (probably). We have six months to prepare for it. Is it enough time to get ready to let go?
Really, I don’t have a whole lot to say about these lame ass posters, I just have some ponderings about the movie in general. I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately (welcome to my exciting world, you guys), and I think this is going to be the most interesting film, for me, anyway. Sure, the first part had all the good stuff – the sex, the hilarious pregnancy, and Edward biting through Bella’s womb to get the baby out – but I think this second part will be neat in a different way. For instance, we’ll get to see Jacob fall in love with Bella’s newborn baby girl. That will be super special, won’t it?
Another thing I think will be interesting is Kristen Stewart‘s acting. I’m sure it will be horrible, as that is the precedent she set in the first four films, but I wonder if our opinions will be different this time, now that some of us have found her more likable lately? I don’t really think so. And I know a lot of you will say that it’s not her fault, the scripts are horrible, and that’s true, the scripts are atrocious, but that’s not an excuse. A good actor can find a way to work with a bad script, and there were definitely moments in all the movies where she could have shone, or moments where she could have at least made a bold choice. But she never did, she spent every moment of every movie mumbling and biting her lip and refusing to make eye contact. She gave a boring, flat performance in every movie, and I don’t think this last one will be any different. It’s true that she might be better in her other movies, I’m not sure, I haven’t seen many of them, but that doesn’t make her portrayal of Bella any better. If she’s not a bad actor, then she’s a lazy one.
Regardless, I’m excited for this movie, and I look forward to the next big franchise that I can enjoy for all the wrong reasons. Any clue as to what that might be?
Or am I the only one, my many facets considered a triune of … you know what? What-the-f-ck ever – I like these damn movies, and even though my twenty-one year-old self would be slapping the shit out of my twenty-eight year-old self, there are just some things that you can’t change and guys? This is one of them. Mark it on your calendars. Commemorate it in a scrap book. But you’ve got to tell me: are there any other Twilight fans out there who are excited about this business? Because if I feel like I’m the only one, well, then I’m going to have to start posting Breaking Dawn Part II stuff like it’s my damn job.
One girl I know I can count on to sate her Twilight thirst along with me? This one.
The best part of the video? Her main YouTube page, where it says in the description, “Holy mother of melty shitbags.” Can I borrow that? Use it? Market it, maybe? I love random outbursts of profanity, and while I thought that one I came out with a few years ago while driving down the highway and some schmoe in a fancy Aston Martin blew past me and almost tossed me and my nine-year-old car off the road was the ultimate (“SHITBAG BALLSUCKER!”), this’ll do just fine, my friends. Just fine.
At least, according to this leaked allegedly-fake January 2012 issue, featuring Taylor Lautner on a cover emblazoned with the caption “Out and Proud! Tired of the rumors, the Twilight star opens up about his decision to finally come out.” The thing is, though, that People vehemently denies that this is an actual thing, but there’s no talk of lawsuits for … well, whatever legal term you’d use in suing someone for saying you’re gay when you’re not or publishing magazine covers fraudulently.
While yes, a rep for People has confirmed that the cover is “absolutely fake,” but that didn’t stop Taylor’s peers from Tweeting supporting comments. Russell Simmons stated “proud of Taylor Lautner for his bravery and his courage,” but later recanted his Tweet, saying “Disappointed that people would joke about someone coming out about their sexuality. Let Taylor Lautner be whoever he wants to be…”
Indeed. Let Taylor be whoever he wants to be. Even if it’s a totally hot, totally muscle-bound side of beef that I’d love a roll in the hay with regardless, who also uses really, really bad beards.