Jessica Biel only got her Twitter account a few days ago, but she’s already managed to bore me to tears. There were actual tears coming out of my eyes while I was reading through the pointless things she had to say, and whether or not those tears were from boredom or from frustration at my kitten not letting me sleep last night* is up for debate.

I tried to figure out why I hated Jessica’s tweets so much, and it took me a minute. At first I was like “they’re just tweets, whatever, don’t worry about them,” but then I thought no, tons of celebrities have very entertaining Twitters, so there aren’t any excuses for it. Then I thought that I hated her Twitter account so much because I really don’t care for Jessica herself, but that wasn’t quite it either. That’s when I realized that all these stupid observations and just the utter lameness that emanates from the tweets remind me of my least favorite aunt. Maybe that’s why I don’t like Jessica Biel in the first place.

Oh, but hey, here are some of her tweets. You can judge for yourself how much you hate them:

I can’t zip up my dress. Welcome to my world!

NYC from a chopper. Yeah i said it. Chopper.

#UseTittiesinAMovieTitle Titty Titty Bang Bang. Boom.

#UseTittiesinAMovieTitle Big Trouble in Little Titties

#UseTittiesinAMovieTitle….Punch Drunk Titties….this is fun.

Check out NPR’s On Being podcast. Endlessly interesting.

Oops! I meant APM’s On Being podcast. Still getting used to this twitter thing…

See what I mean?  And ok, sure, I’ve played the “use ‘titties’ in a movie title” game before, and of course it’s fun, but that’s it.  The rest of it just blows my mind with how boring and useless it is, much like Jessica Biel herself**.

*Does anyone have any tips? Is there any possible way to get my kitten to not meow incessantly when I’m not with him?

**I know, I know, I don’t mean it.  I’m just so tired, you guys.  And also I hate Jessica Biel.

Every year the Met Gala happens in New York City, and every year it’s the same thing: super-big-name celebrities are invited gratis, and other, more fledging celebrities have to pay through the nose to secure admission (no joke—Kate Upton paid $25k for her ticket and she does CAT DADDY), and you have good fashion and bad fashion and not a whole lot in between. The event’s always cool, though, because you get to see the best and the worst of celebrity fashion and this year was no exception.

In today’s list, we have Jessica Biel, who wouldn’t be on this list if it weren’t for her engagement to Justin Timberlake (that’s actually not true, but it’s probably how she feels about the situation); Emma Stone, who looks like every little-girl-who-prefers-red-instead-of-pink’s fairy princess come true; Marion Cotillard and bangs that are as short and choppy as that one time when I cut my own with meat scissors back in after I saw them on some girl on E! on wine night—only difference is they look good on her; Gisele Bundchen, who can barely do any wrong (’til she opens her mouth, anyway); and Camilla Belle, who is really coming into her own and looking fierce as hell.

Honorable mention? Carey Mulligan, up top. Not many people can pull off a dress that says, “No, don’t look at me—look at you!”

#5 – Jessica Biel

#4 – Gisele Bundchen

#3 – Marion Cotillard

#2 – Emma Stone

#1 – Camilla Belle

Who looked the best?

Yep, it looks like that wedding is still in the works, despite those red flags that have been popping up for the past three years or so. I will never understand why Jessica Biel is actually going to marry Justin Timberlake, or why he agreed, or basically anything at all involving these two together. That’s fine though, I don’t have to understand it. But I bet Jessica’s mom and dad would like to feel good about it before their daughter goes and marries good ol’ JT.

From The National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Jessica Biel’s engagement to Justin Timberlake is being rocked by her family’s distrust of him! Tensions in the Biel family have reached fever pitch with Jessica’s devoted dad remaining suspicious of Timberlake’s intentions, sources say. And Justin’s reached the end of his rope.

“Justin has tried everything to win over Jessica’s family – gifts, wining and dining her parents, attending key family events, and even giving her brother Justin a job, only to have it thrown back in his face,” revealed a friend of Justin. “He finally got frustrated and blew up at Jessica. She begged him to have patience and assured him that she loves him and has faith in him.”

But it’s easy to see why her parents would feel otherwise.

“Jessica dad and her mom Kim will never forget the hurt Justin caused their daughter when they split early last year,” said a source close to the Biel family. “They’d been together for four years and she put up with so much, including his on-set affair with Mila Kunis and him hooking up with Olivia Munn shortly before they split.”

Justin has also been linked to Olivia Wilde and Ashley Olsen, and Jessica constantly fins phone numbers from girls in his pockets, added the source. Even after they got engaged in December, Justin reverted to his bad-boy ways.

“Jessica started to complain that she hardly ever saw him… in February, Jessica actually begged Justin to teach her how to sing – not because she wanted to try musical theater, which is what she told him, but because she wanted to spend quality time with him!”

Still, her parents remain worried that he’ll cheat on her again, according to the source.

“Justin refuses to sell his bachelor pad on Mulholland Drive, and that’s left a foul taste in her dad’s mouth,” explained the source. “Justin insists he wants to keep his boys-only parties away from Jessica’s house, where he normally stays. But even when Jessica offered to build him a ‘man cave’ on her property for him, he refused to sell. As far as her parents are concerned, these are not the actions of a man who’s serious about settling down – and no amount of cash-flashing will convince them otherwise.”

So she finds numbers in his pockets frequently, he refuses to sell his house so he can have “boys only parties” and her parents don’t like him? Gee, sounds like a catch, Jess. You must be super proud.

Look! It’s Jessica Biel, sans both Justin Timberlake and makeup, and she’s looking pretty fine, if you ask me. And did you hear! She and Timberlake are planning a summer wedding, now, isn’t that sweet (and by “she and Timberlake,” I most definitely mean “she and her entourage of love-enablers”). People reports that Jessica and Justin are happily betrothed, and the wedding will probably go down as Hollywood wedding history. Like Emily told you earlier in the month, the wedding’s going to be a summer fling:

“Justin and Jessica are planning a big [summer] wedding,” a source close to the pair tells PEOPLE. “Jessica initially wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding, but Justin from the beginning wanted a big wedding and that’s what they have decided on.”

According to the source, Timberlake, 31, and Biel, 30 – who’ve recently been spending time together in Atlanta where he’s shooting Trouble with the Curve – have decided they want to “include all their friends” in the celebration, says the source.

Biel, who was seen sporting her engagement ring last month, has yet to decide on her dress, the source notes, but the actress is “very involved” in planning the ceremony.

As for the groom, the source says: “Justin has promised her the best day ever.”

Of COURSE she’s “very involved” in planning the ceremony—she’s been working toward this for almost a f-cking decade! As for Justin promising her it’s going to be the best day ever, well. That’s not exactly a hard promise to keep, considering the fact that girlfriend’s been WORKING TOWARD THIS FOR ALMOST A F-CKING DECADE.

In case you forgot what the rock that Justin got girlfriend looked like, here’s another photo:

My oh my, we are in for a treat, aren’t we?

Yeah, so I guess this is seriously happening, huh? It took enough to make me believe it: I was skeptical when I heard the engagement rumors, and I didn’t really believe that whole thing about Justin’s grandma running her mouth, I thought the first sighting of Jessica’s engagement ring was ridiculous, and I rolled my eyes all over the place when I was telling you guys about their plans for the wedding. I never truly believed that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were getting married until I saw the photos of the actual ring. Even then though, I still thought there was something sort of fishy about the whole thing.

But here we are. It looks like this thing is going on full steam ahead without my understanding, so I’m just going to hop on board and share the news with you, all right?

From People:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have kept a low profile about their engagement, but the couple are pulling out all the stops for their big day, a source tells PEOPLE.

“Justin and Jessica are planning a big [summer] wedding,” a source close to the pair tells PEOPLE. “Jessica initially wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding, but Justin from the beginning wanted a big wedding and that’s what they have decided on.”

According to the source, Timberlake, 31, and Biel, 30 – who’ve recently been spending time together in Atlanta where he’s shooting Trouble with the Curve – have decided they want to “include all their friends” in the celebration, says the source.

Biel, who was seen sporting her engagement ring last month, has yet to decide on her dress, the source notes, but the actress is “very involved” in planning the ceremony.

As for the groom, the source says: “Justin has promised her the best day ever.”

Wow, I would have thought that that would be backwards, that Justin would have wanted the smaller wedding while Jessica insisted on the larger one. Wouldn’t that make a little more sense? Not that anything truly makes sense in this wacky, wacky world at all though. I mean, come on, this couple is actually getting married. What crazy surprise do you have in store for us next, universe?

I find Jessica Biel fascinating. I like to listen to every word she says, and I enjoy seeing new pictures of her. But then again, there was this guy I went to school with who would spend the whole day in the cafeteria, drinking Mr. Pibbs and watching anime at maximum volume on his laptop, and I found him fascinating too, so I’m not entirely sure that’s a compliment.

The thing is, Loud Anime Guy doesn’t do big interviews with widely distributed magazines, so I can’t talk about him all the time like I can with Jessica Biel, and don’t think that doesn’t devastate me, because it does. But since Jessica Biel just did an interview with W magazine, we’ll use that to heal these wounds, all right?

On The Goonies: I never identified with girls, and the cast was all boys. Girls were nervous about going into caves; they were scaredy-cats—and I wasn’t into that at all. I loved the idea of being with a crew and having an adventure. I was really interested in pits full of snakes.

On her childhood: We lived in Colorado, and my parents were outdoorsy mountain people. My father would always say, “Go out and don’t come back until you have something to show me.” Which meant he wanted me to come back with a scraped knee or an injury. When I went out to play, I felt like I’d better get hurt.

How she played with Barbies: I did, but it was always, “Let’s play sex with Barbies!” My Barbies were usually naked. Once, I took their heads off, cut their hair, drew on their short, spiky hair with some markers, then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year, we’d string our tree with those Barbie heads. It looked demonic. My parents were so cool—they saw it as a form of self-expression.

On being a rebellious teenager during 7th Heaven: I cut my hair supershort and dyed it blonde. I had to apologize to Aaron Spelling [the producer] for doing that. He wasn’t happy. When I turned 17 or 18, a really obnoxious friend sent a stripper to the set. I had to apologize for that too. The show was all about family values, and they took that position seriously. I was always apologizing.

On being physical: I’ve always been physical. I have no concept of what life is like without physical activity.

On doing a fight scene with Kate Beckinsale: Fun—so fun! Our fight scene isn’t overtly sexy: just two trained fighters who happen to be women kicking the shit out of each other. It could be two dudes, but we just happened to have long hair and boobs and…other things [laughs]. Kate and I usually fight men in movies, and when you knock into a man, he doesn’t care. But every two seconds, Kate and I were saying, “I’m so sorry—are you okay?” We were both so nervous about fighting another woman. Which is strange, because I have no problem fighting with a guy. In truth, I like doing anything that requires breaking a sweat.

On having a healthy outlook on life: I think I need to destroy my reputation. This whole I’m outdoorsy, I’m really healthy—it’s too squeaky-clean [laughs]. That’s going to be my new thing: Go dark and unhealthy. It’s time to be very, very bad.

Is it just me, or does Jessica Biel seem to have a streak of crazy in her?