Oh, and what a job he does, my friends. What a job he does.

As you watch the video (or as you watch the video again, I don’t know what order you do things in), be sure to note a few things. Check out how every single person has the same reaction of “what the actual f*ck is happening to my ears right now?” and how so many people don’t hold their hands against their hearts during the song, which I thought was a requirement of being a U.S. citizen, simply because their brains just can’t compute the horror of this performance. Observe Steven Tyler‘s choice in clothing, namely the sparkly, sequined Patriots scarf. Note how he so subtly changes the lyrics to sing about what happened “as bomb bursting in air.” What a truly remarkable performance indeed.

Really though, we have to give Steven Tyler here some credit where credit is due. With all the awful stories that I had to tell you this weekend, with all the sadness in the world, Steven Tyler brings some fun to the table. You can’t stay sad when there’s some geriatric dude rocking some sequins, and for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

So, the main thing that resonates with me after watching this video? MAD. AWKWARD. Let’s break it down, shall we? Steven Tyler is the diva-est of the male stage divas, rubbing his tits and running his hands through his hair plugs, waving his wasted little arms around and singing into everyone else’s microphone because there’s gotta be a little bit of Steven Tyler all over the f-cking place. And OF COURSE he’s got to table dance at the end of the performance, humping the air and making the white-guys-can’t-dance face. Dear God.

Then you have Weird Al who’s doing the death metal version of ‘Come Together’, and trying to out-do Steven Tyler in over-the-top-ness. And he almost succeeds, because through most of the clip, I can’t watch anything but him.

Finally, Alice Cooper is unsure of the lyrics to one of the greatest songs ever written, and claps along to the music like he’s f-cking Barney or something. Poor Alice Cooper. He’d probably kill himself twenty years ago if you told him what he’d be doing in twenty years and with whom.

So, OK. In short, I’m not saying that I’d be, like, complaining or anything if I walked into some random bar and these three dudes were performing (because come on, who would?) but I stick to my original assertions that the whole thing was painfully, madly awkward. Cool as shit, yes, but awks, seriously.

Everyone is pretty sure Steven Tyler proposed to his girlfriend in Hawaii; new photos published by TMZ, however, have fanned the rumor that the couple is already married.

The photos show Tyler and longtime girlfriend Erin Brady involved in some sort of “house blessing” ritual, which, OK, these photos don’t really substantiate anything. Except…. Wait! Wait just one doggone minute! DID STEVEN TYLER BUY A HOUSE IN HAWAII?! I mean, he’s standing right there with some kahu (yes, as in the word “kahuna,” as in the gal in the hoop earrings and head-wreath), watching the pomaika’i take place.

More about “house blessing” ceremonies:

A traditional Hawaiian custom is the blessing of a new home or residence. New homes and newly acquired homes are blessed to bring peace, love, and harmony to the new family.

Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmm. So it isn’t unreasonable to speculate about this couple, then.

Neither is it unreasonable to guess that Erin Brady is already Tyler’s wife—after all, as I mentioned a couple days ago, Tyler’s family has been opposed to their union from the get-go. What’s more, a lot of Hawaiian priests are also able to officiate weddings. AND WHAT’S EVEN MORE, REVEREND ALALANI HILL—who, I have just determined, is the lady with the hoop earrings—specializes in MAUI BEACH WEDDINGS. Whoa, right?

Wow! Maybe this couple really is sneaking around Hawaii—buying houses, surreptitiously getting married, maybe adopting some dogs, getting IVF, the whole bit. Boy am I glad Steven Tyler isn’t vegetarian. After the blessing rituals, I bet he can take his bride to the nearest L&L for some (delicious!) spam musubi. Yum.

You know what I like about Steven Tyler? You hardly hear about Steven Tyler. The man has even tried to be up-front about the skeletons in his closet—he published a sex/drugs/rock and roll tell-all this summer—but there’s just something about Steven Tyler that makes you go “Oh, huh, OK.” Like, there is almost nothing Steven Tyler could say or do that would make you clutch your pearls or call for smelling salts or otherwise feel titillated in the slightest.

Anyway. Steven Tyler is almost certainly engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Erin Brady. “Oh, huh, OK,” right? The couple has been dating since 2006, though! That’s practically unheard of!

I was watching Inside Edition yesterday (with my mother; yay for the holidays!), and they tried to inject the news with a little melodrama, saying that Tyler’s family is unhappy about the news. Why? Because “Erin Brady is mean.” That was word-for-word what Inside Edition reported. Heh.

I, for one, am happy for the aging rocker.

Between his poetic reviews of the contestant’s performances and his groovy wardrobe, Steven Tyler is arguably one of the best parts of this season’s American Idol. He’s got the Native American/pirate look on lock… but there’s also something very feminine about his style and thanks to his daughter Liv’s most recent interview, we now know why.

Despite the fact that he has more than enough money to stock his own closet, he’s been raiding Liv’s wardrobe for  years. She told People.com, “My dad wears girls’ clothes — it’s so funny. Sometimes I see him and I’m like, ‘Nice shirt!,’ because it’s from my closet.”

I don’t know what’s more disturbing: The fact that the two of them can fit into the same size shirts or that Steven’s full-on pulling a reverse Willow Smith. Regardless, this little tidbit explains a lot.

Now who’s voting for my girl Haley tonight? I don’t care if she gets up there and drops a racial slur and sings a Nickleback song. She’s got my vote no matter what.

And I don’t mean that question in a bitchy way – I think Steven Tyler has been an excellent addition to American Idol - it’s just that he kind of seemed like too big a deal for the show.  But, lucky for us, Steven chatted up TMZ about his reasoning behind joining the show, and it’s a little bizarre, if you ask me:

Steven Tyler claims he took the gig on American Idol to show his Aerosmith bandmates that he wouldn’t be “held hostage” by them … after the band threatened to kick Tyler to the curb.

Tyler dropped a whole series of truth bombs during an interview with Rolling Stone … in which he explains, “Did I take this job to show the band? Fuck, yeah. Not to show them, but that I can’t be held hostage anymore. I will be my own hostage. The band can’t throw me out.”

He also goes on to talk about how he and Joe Perry tried to make a new album a few years ago, but they couldn’t because they were all hopped up on drugs, but that’s not news.  Really, I’m way more interested in the fact that Aerosmith thinks they could function without Steven Tyler.  That’s absurd, right? Would you listen to some old random up on stage, trying to pass off his sad rendition of “Walk This Way” as an Aerosmith performance?