There's nothing quite like a good Courtney Stodden update, is there? I get so excited when I see that she's desecrated some holiday or done some pointless photo shoot or stepped out of her house. The absolute best thing though is when she does videos. They're always such precious gems, and I will always, always watch them. If she set up cameras in her home and left them on 24 hours a day, I would be in such a bad place because I wouldn't want to do anything besides watch her life. I find her endlessly fascinating in a really gross sort of way. And that's why I love her sexy vegetable videos so much.
But hey, did anyone else throw up a little over those onion boobs? />
There's nothing quite like a good Courtney Stodden update, is there? I get so excited when I see that she's desecrated some holiday or done some pointless photo shoot or stepped out of her house. The absolute best thing though is when she does videos. They're always such precious gems, and I will always, always watch them. If she set up cameras in her home and left them on 24 hours a day, I would be in such a bad place because I wouldn't want to do anything besides watch her life. I find her endlessly fascinating in a really gross sort of way. And that's why I love her ...
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Of course she wasn't playing by herself, guys. Someone was spiking the ball into the ground so she could show off her cleavage canyon. Someone was taking pictures. And I'm pretty sure those someones aren't real friends or anything, because come on. Yesterday was Tuesday. It was a school day. All of her friends were probably sitting in science class or something while she frolicked on the beach in a tutu and no---oh my God no---Lucite stripper heels.
Anyway, she wasn't wearing them at least wh...
You know who's turning eighteen this year? Duh. Courtney Stodden. And you know what's going to happen when she does turn eighteen (on August 29th)? She's going to leave this old-ass man in the dust, hook up with Vivid Entertainment, and we're going to see some of the most intimate sides of Courtney Stodden than we've ever seen before (you know, things like the lines in the palms of her hands, her pinky toenail, and maybe even some armpit hair---I mean, we've seen everything else already).
In light of Courtney's official countdown, she's filming videos chronicling her voyage to the big 1-8, and since she apparently can't get a real---excuse me, "rill"---reality show, she's settling for filming her own and posting it on YouTube. The sad part? This video's been up for an entire DAY, and it's only gotten just over 3k views.
This particular segment is about Courtney's sprained foot. Now, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that it's actually NOT a sprained foot, and might be some kind of Staph or MRSA infection instead, what with the God-knows-what she probably picks up on those cheap Lucite stripper heels she wears everywhere. I think Shauna Sand has the same pair, or hey---maybe it's that pair. Courtney's a sucker for used eBay items, you know.
Anyway, she spends literally the first entire minute of the video whining about her foot, and then she calls her mom---who sounds like just as big of an idiot---and complains about her foot. This takes us to the 2:45-ish mark, where Doug enters the picture
thus confirming that his career is officially f-cking over thus confirming that his career is officially f-cking over. Courtney appears in panties and a tight tank top and---obviously---complains about her foot. Doug is wearing the standard-issue skullcap that makes me want to punch him in the throat, and he tells her that she should stop wearing the stupid shoes.
This is where it gets good. Or, "good," rather.
Guys? Courtney Stodden is, like, so embarrassing. And to be honest, Doug Hutchison looks even worse (I know, I was surprised, too). Watching the two of them interact with one another is really kind of painful. It's like watching some kind of weird, incestuous relationship between a father and a daughter, and my skin is f-cking crawling just typing all that. Both of these characters are seriously weird birds, and I'm almost kind of excited by the prospect of this whole weird-bird thing completely imploding come Courtney's eighteenth birthday, and you know what? I'm not sorry for it. />
You know who's turning eighteen this year? Duh. Courtney Stodden. And you know what's going to happen when she does turn eighteen (on August 29th)? She's going to leave this old-ass man in the dust, hook up with Vivid Entertainment, and we're going to see some of the most intimate sides of Courtney Stodden than we've ever seen before (you know, things like the lines in the palms of her hands, her pinky toenail, and maybe even some armpit hair---I mean, we've seen everything else already).
In light of...
Big question right off the bat - I know that we talk about Courtney's Xena Warrior Princess(TM) armband on the regular, but I really want to know: if she takes that thing off, will her arm fall off? Do you guys remember hearing a scary story back in the day about the man who married the lady with the green ribbon around her neck, and he fell in love with her and married her, despite the fact that she always had this green ribbon around her neck, and after awhile it began to NAG at him MORE and ...
And my IQ just dropped a whole thirty points lower because I wrote that headline. Yes, Courtney Stodden has been contracted by PETA to push their anti-animal cruelty agenda, and who better to accommodate young, impressionable audiences than a seventeen-year-old girl who's married to a dude that's about to collect social security? Right on! Maybe there should be a foundation out there to protect young women out there from making stupid-ass decisions and marrying sexual T-Rexes who should actually have the last name "Hutchinson" because it's way easier to type than "Hutchison." I f-ck it up every time, man.
Anyway, the best part of the clip is when Courtney says "I switched to a vegetarian." What does that even mean? And what does it have to do with tits? Because the only message I'm getting from this video is that the science behind plastic surgery is, though disturbing and often misused, unbelievable.
The video gets pretty graphic at the 1:26 mark (don't say I didn't warn you, because the cow head spurting blood didn't make me very happy, because I love animals despite the fact that I eat meat), so tune out or skip past it or close your eyes for a few seconds, because guys, it's not pretty, but that's PETA for you. They make a living off of promoting brutal videos of animal slaughter in an attempt to scare people into "switching to a vegetarian," and not to open Pandora's box or anything, but how is that any different than the uber-conservative, uber-graphic anti-abortion videos that show babies in utero ... well, you know what I mean. Disturbing. And I don't like it. I had a hard time watching the rest of the video because of it, for fear that there'd be more animal cruelty that'd scar my psyche for the rest of my life and really f-ck up being able to sate my hamburger cravings for a while.
Also? Here's a little Courtney tidbit in case you were interested, or not in the VIP club on girlfriend's new website - her dog's name is Bizarre. Bizarre. The dog. It's name is BIZARRE.
What? It's appropriate, and way better than 'Don't Put It On Me, Girl'.
... Or IS IT?
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And my IQ just dropped a whole thirty points lower because I wrote that headline. Yes, Courtney Stodden has been contracted by PETA to push their anti-animal cruelty agenda, and who better to accommodate young, impressionable audiences than a seventeen-year-old girl who's married to a dude that's about to collect social security? Right on! Maybe there should be a foundation out there to protect young women out there from making stupid-ass decisions and marrying sexual T-Rexes who should actua...
Wow, how is it possible that we haven't talked about Courtney Stodden in ... what, an entire week? Guys, my Courtney withdrawal actually got so bad that I went and searched for new Courtney news the other day and I came up empty-handed, save for her awesome and amazing website, which Emily talked about last week.
These photos, however, showed right up this morning as if they just knew I was waiting for them, and when I flipped through the first couple, I knew I had hit the jackpot. Or, you k...
LOL, no, not really. I'm sorry. Well, Courtney Stodden does have a new website, but it's not classy. In no way is it classy. You guys didn't think it was classy, did you?
But anyway, back to Courtney's new site. It's still in the process of coming together, but it's going to be fantastic, really, you can just tell. There's a boutique section, and while nothing's there yet, the site assures you that it is "busy getting the hottest posters and pics ready for you." I know most of us have dre...
For some reason, Courtney Stodden seems to think that we're all really envious of her amazing fashion sense and that we would love her to help us dress ourselves. I think she actually believes that she's not just a model, not just a singer, but also the number one fashion icon of our time.
Regardless of what Courtney's intentions are, this girl is damn good at getting people to talk about her and to think about her, and ever since I saw all these pictures from The Daily Mail of Courtney showcasing her ...
No joke - when I saw these photos early, early this morning, I grasped at my heart and said, "Oh my God no." My husband immediately came into the kitchen from the living room, where he was eating his Chocolate Cheerios and watching something on ESPN and said, "What?! Is it time?" because my due date is only five days away and this baby is still checked into the Hotel Uterinel. And I said, "No, no ... It's just these Courtney Stodden pictures. She's so awful, yet I feel compelled to write about her ...
But of course I'm making a play on words here - I'd never insinuate that Courtney Stodden was an outright tramp - how ludicrous! I'm simply talking about the Disney flick, Lady and the Tramp, because they're OBVIOUSLY reenacting the famous dog-eating-spaghetti scene. I'm not sure who's supposed to be "Lady" and who's supposed to be "Tramp," but I think it's a safe bet to say that Doug Hutchison is no tramp. I mean, Courtney's probably the first chick he's ever slept with (and that still triggers...
And you know what I'm disappointed about? The awful absence of awesome alliteration. Yeah, we got the typical double-entendre of "Ooh! I'm all wet!" but that kind of humor can't hold a candle to Courtney's candid and off-the-cuff conceptualization of connoted, clandestine cunnilingus. Oh, and also using the Lord's name to sexualize your dreams. Courtesy of Courtney's Twitter:
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4
I think that reads heart, C...
And you know what I'm disappointed about? The awful absence of awesome alliteration. Yeah, we got the typical double-entendre of "Ooh! I'm all wet!" but that kind of humor can't hold a candle to Courtney's candid and off-the-cuff conceptualization of connoted, clandestine cunnilingus. Oh, and also using the Lord's name to sexualize your dreams. Courtesy of Courtney's Twitter:
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4
I think that reads heart, C...