8Courtney Stodden Does NOT Want to Do Porn

Courtney Stodden, child bride, rejected an offer from the porn site Twistys (no apostrophe). For those not familiar with Ms. Stodden, I’m not sure how to descibre her other than an 18-going-on-28 year-old who married some dude, Doug Hutchison, from Lost when she was 16 and he was 51. (From this point on I will only be referring to Doug Hutchison as Some Dude From Lost.) Since then she’s been doing her darndest to get our attention somehow, but it’s super tricky, because she’s not really good at anything. She’s like a less talented Kim Kardashian, which says so very much, doesn’t it?

Stodden’s latest attempt at doing something, anything, is music. Yes, that word is used very loosely. She shot a video for her song Reality. Twistys offered to give the video an “erotic” makeover. That means pornographic, as Twistys’ slogan is, “The Most Beautiful Babes in Porn for Over 10 Years!” And now I have that in my browsing history.

Said her manager/mom (yes, mom) to E! News,

Although Courtney is flattered by Twisty’s offer to reshoot her music video for Reality, we have decided to pass.

Some Dude From Lost had no comment.

Before you say anything, let us have a moment of silence for Lindsay‘s Playboy cover.

Carrying the Stodden tourch that Emily and Sarah held so gallantly held high is going to be tough but it is my honor and privilege and I’m going to do my best.

February 21, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

12Courtney Stodden Belongs on the Red Carpet All the Time

These photos are from the Markus + Indrani Icons book launch party which was held in Beverly Hills over the last few days. It was hosted by Carmen Electra, and proceeds to go to the Trevor Project, which is a foundation that helps prevent suicide among those in the LGBT community. Great cause, for sure, and Lady Gaga, naturally, just signed on as a sponsor of some sort, too, so there’s that.

What I want to talk about today, though, is not Lady Gaga and her business decisions—no, I want to talk about Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden and how they showed up to this thing under the misconception that it was a Halloween party, to which they decided to go as an 80′s pimp and his coked-out ho.

Isn’t this just the best thing all day long?

January 12, 2013 at 1:00 pm by Sarah

13Hey, Your Breakfast Called, It’d Like Another Word With You

So guys, I’ve got a little story to tell you. See, yesterday morning I traveled to my home state of Pennsylvania for my obligatory every-three-year visit, and so, so much happened. Namely the fact that I spent almost entire seven hours in my vehicle carsick, at least until I crossed into the Pocono mountains, where I’m staying (more on that later), because I’m just not used to driving around in these mountains anymore. Seriously, these big old dips and bends and gullies—they were almost enough to make me pull over, and easily enough to give me the case of the belches and hiccups in an effort to keep the minimal food I’d eaten throughout the course of the day *because* of the carsickness, and that’s … well, that’s pretty gross.

That’s also kind of what happens when I look at this photo of Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, because I literally haven’t been in my car for at least fourteen hours now—I’m safely tucked away in a friend’s country club vacation home, which, no joke, is f-cking haunted. I don’t know why they didn’t, you know, mention that to begin with, but I spent a good portion of last night wondering why wire hangers were rattling in closets and falling to the ground, or why the sink would turn on ever-so-slightly … so needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well last night. Which didn’t bode all that well with the sensitive condition of yesterday’s stomach, which, when exposed to Courtney Stodden’s comical boobs, Doug Hutchison’s mushroom pallor, and the kiss-mark of stanky red lipstick on Doug’s face, seriously. almost. made me lose it. altogether.

If I don’t run screaming from this vacation now, well. I’m a much, much stronger person than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and that’s a fact.

November 12, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah

7Love It or Leave It: Courtney and Doug’s Halloween Attire

This is awful. This is just terrible. Can you tell what Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison dressed up as for a Halloween party? Can you?

Courtney is a “sexy unicorn.” Doug is “King of the Unicorns.” And I am swimming in a sea of disgust and shattered dreams, because this is nothing but pure awfulness.

I just can’t even take this. A sexy unicorn, really? That would be like a “sexy Jesus” costume or a “sexy Mother Teresa” costume or a “sexy Robert Pattinson” costume. Some things in this world are just too pure and good, too deserving of respect and decorum, to be considered sexy, and to make them so is just so grossly misguided. The unicorn is one of those things. And Courtney will have to answer for what she’s done when the unicorns make themselves known. She will.

Also, if Doug Hutchison is King of the Unicorns, then I’m … I don’t know. Then I’m completely over everything, because this whole thing is a bag of lies and trouble, and I won’t have a part in it any longer.

Well, one more thing. Here’s a shot from the back:

Look at her hat, are those multiple horns?! And is she really wearing that tired old black bra with the clear straps under her corset? OVER IT.

What are you thoughts?

Images courtesy of Radar Online

October 31, 2012 at 9:30 am by Emily

22Oh So What Should Courtney Stodden Be for Halloween, Guys?

Tough question, considering it’s going to be pretty hard to beat last year’s pumpkin patch debauchery in trashy country-western attire. What? That wasn’t even Courtney’s Halloween costume? This was? Oh. Well. I guess that’ll teach me a lesson for making assumptions about Courtney Stodden and the word “trashy.”

On a serious note, though, it’s finally happened—Courtney Stodden, at the ripe old age of eighteen, has dead eyes. Don’t believe me? Think that girlfriend is just as happy with her life as she lets on? Then take a good, hard look at this picture, because the deadness is all-consuming:

Can’t someone do something about this already? And by “this,” I mean, help her pick out a Halloween costume? Because there’s nothing that can be done about those dead, dead eyes of hers—the damage has been done, DOUG HUTCHISON.

October 24, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

12Quotables: Doug Hutchison Creepily Explains Why He’s Not Creepy

“The thing is, it’s interesting that anyone would call me a child molester because what I think that does is belittles true child molesters, the ones out there that are really molesting children. We can’t do that. My and Courtney’s marriage is legal, it’s moral and its within the law. I’m not a child molester, so anyone who says that I’m not going to take it to heart. I only care about what my loved ones think about me and no one else. We wake up in each others’ arms in the morning and start our day together. We take care of our puppies. We feed the puppies and let them out. Courtney gets on the computer to tweet and I take care of business on the computer. Then we come together during segments of the day, and then in the evening we have dinner and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ episodes. Within our house, we are extremely normal.”

- Doug Hutchison theorizes that he’s not a child molester because child molesters don’t have puppies or watch I Love Lucy with their victims.

And after that quote, Doug said “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” No, really, he actually did say that.

Of course, Doug is right, he isn’t a child molester, he’s an ephebophile, but that doesn’t mean that what he did is “normal.” He married a 16-year-old girl he met online. That’s some To Catch A Predator shit, that’s not normal.

Also, I think it’s really interesting how he says that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him besides his loved ones. In case you weren’t aware, Doug’s entire family disowned him after he married Courtney. His own mother told him that she didn’t want anything to do with him. But for sure, it only matters what his loved ones think of him, which I guess is just Courtney at this point. Solid reasoning.

But hey, look at that picture of Doug up there. Isn’t that just the creepiest? Look into his eyes, for the eyes are the windows into the soul. Those are some shady windows, huh?

October 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily