A few years ago, on the fourth of July, my dad and I were going over to my grandma’s house for a cookout, and I was subjected to one of the most awkward moments of my entire life. He was driving, and we were going down the main road through town with the windows down. He pulled up to the stoplight by the auto parts store, where there was a huge car wash fundraiser happening in the parking lot. We came to a stop right beside a man who was standing on the shoulder of the road, holding a sign and urging people to get their cars washed for whatever his cause was. Since we were conveniently close, he leaned down and started talking to us. Did he talk about what they were trying to raise money for, or how much a regular old scrubbing would cost?

No. He leaned down to the window, a few inches from my face, and screamed “RIM JOB, 25 CENTS! Come get your rim job! You won’t find a cheaper, better rim job than this! Come on, don’t you want a good rim job? A quarter for a rim job! RIGHT THIS WAY FOR YOUR RIM JOB.”

The light finally turned green, and we drove away. I tried really hard, but a few seconds later I couldn’t keep it in anymore, and I started laughing. My dad starting laughing too, and we didn’t stop until we got to my grandma’s. Then I freaked out for a few hours because while I always knew that my dad and I have a very similar sense of humor, I never thought we’d be laughing together about rim jobs.

These pictures of Courtney Stodden reminded me of that story because they’re awkward, and while they made me laugh at first, in the end, I’m mostly just disturbed. Also, there’s the car washing theme, but thankfully, no rims in sight.

Look, I know some of you don’t enjoy reading about Courtney Stodden. I know some of you don’t get any amusement from watching her prance around like a jackass. But people say the same thing about Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, right?  And they’re pretty much staples in the world of gossip. Sometimes there are just people in this world that are so fascinating that they’re able to achieve fame by doing absolutely nothing. And of course I don’t mean fascinating in a good way, I mean that these people are so ridiculous, ignorant, entitled, or any number of other negative attributes that they’re interesting to watch. I don’t have a good thing to say about any of these people, other than that they’ve brought me a giggle at their expense a time or two. But they’re not going anywhere, and they put in so much effort to get media attention, and, you know, I have a job to do. And that’s why you hear so much about Courtney Stodden.

Besides, this girl is eating Purina Cat Chow out of the bag and kicking around a litter box in a pair of lucite heels. What kind of monster would I be if I didn’t share that with you?

Yes, Courtney Stodden did a video parodying Toddlers and Tiaras, but she went the extra mile to gross us out by playing a seven-year-old girl playing Anna Nicole Smith. Yikes.

Just in case anyone forgot, Anna Nicole Smith was a woman who dropped out of high school during her sophomore year and eventually became a stripper. She married her first husband when she was 17 and she had her first child when she was 18. A few years later she divorced her husband, and a year after that she married a wealthy 89-year-old oil tycoon who she allegedly never lived with and who died a little over a year after their wedding. She worked as a model for Playboy and Guess jeans, she was in a handful of mediocre movies, she was a spokesperson for a dietary supplement, and she had her own reality show. She was known, at least in the later part of her life, for being a little wacky, seemingly from the effect of some sort of substance abuse. In the last few years of her life, she gave birth to a baby girl, dealt with loads of paternity drama, and saw her 20-year-old son die from an overdose. In 2007, just a few months after her son’s death, Anna died of an overdose herself.

And sure, Anna Nicole Smith was a beautiful, beautiful woman, and she was charming as hell. She had a lot of good qualities. But she’s not exactly someone to be admired, especially not by someone who has a good few things in common with her already. Courtney’s got a similar vibe, she’s got the older, richer husband, and she’s working on the reality show. It’s not hard to imagine Courtney leading the kind of life that Anna did, is it?

Also, “Courtney’s daddy is 52 and is made out of sugar.” Ugh.

Oh dear. Another day, another inappropriate set of Courtney Stodden photos. You want to know what I want to know? When Kendall Jenner did her Big Inappropriate Photo Shoot, everyone freaked the f-ck out, and justifiably so, right? Well how come Courtney Stodden can parade around with her ass cheeks hanging out and her implants flapping in the breeze and her best “I’m getting thrashed by a meat stick on the regular” face on and NO ONE CARES? Is it because her mother practically sold her into slavery by “allowing” her to marry Doug Hutchison? Is it because, yeah, even though Courtney’s only seventeen years old (and has apparently been doing this for awhile now), it’s OK because now she’s Doug’s “property”?

I get that she wants to do it, guys. I get that, and I’d respect that if it weren’t for the fact that she still isn’t legally allowed to make her own decisions. And I’d respect it if it weren’t for the fact that she’s a half-inch of gold lame fabric away from turning everyone who looks at her photos into pedophiles, and before you go off saying “She’s almost eighteen!” let me refresh your memory—this photo? It was taken a year ago. When Courtney was only sixteen:

And as you can see, things haven’t changed all that much.

You know what? I rest my case.

Really, what does she do? Does she have business meetings with her mom where they discuss what activity she could do while wearing a bikini next? Does she spend time scouring the internet and making notes of special holidays and their dates so she can be sure to do an appropriately themed photo shoot? Does she have a support group that she attends for people who are sexually attracted to vegetables?

I kind of don’t think so. I think Courtney spends the vast majority of her time doing stupid shit like this. I think she wakes up, puts on a bikini, begs Doug to take her to Target or whatever, and then twiddles her thumbs and applies self tanner until she comes up with enough words that start with the same letter to make a coherent thought to share with Twitter or an idea for another dumb video, just like this one.

Also, when I was in middle school, all the grown ups made a Very Big Deal about how you were not ever, ever supposed to see how many marshmallows you could fit in your mouth because you could die. So on top of being raw, racy, and ravenous, Courtney’s also being just plain reckless. Were those ten marshmallows worth it, Courtney?

Look, guys, it’s Courtney Stodden—and her mom! And it’s just so cute that they’re bonding together in the kitchen over blank expressions and fake smiles and soy milk! Really, it doesn’t get any better than this. Unless, of course, you’re Courtney Stodden’s mom, who we don’t really talk a whole lot about here. Maybe we should start.

The lady’s name is Krista Keller, and she was on board with selling her daughter marrying Doug Hutchison from the start. Remember this quote?:

“It was a very beautiful, loving, nonsexual type of turn. It was very admirable on his end. Then he called me to tell me they were falling for each other. I could really tell my daughter had the kind of love when you want to marry a man or be with a man. Even though she was just 16, I knew it was going to take a pretty big man to handle her because of her sexuality and because of the attention she gets.”

Or, you know, better yet—this one?:

“The gay community has been so loving to her. I know that Anna Nicole Smith had a great rapport with the gay community, and I think they’ve been waiting to have someone they can connect with, and I think Courtney is that person. She is different and stands out. Frankly, we thought she’d fit in better in Hollywood.”

That’s really sweet, Ma. Comparing your daughter to a woman who had myriad mental issues and substance abuse problems, battled with weight issues for a decade, rode a bunch of old-man-dong and ended up overdosing? Super! Also, all of the gay friends that I have think Courtney’s a complete and utter weirdo. And not in a cutesy way, either.

Last, here’s a quote from Courtney’s mom about Doug himself:

“He’s not creepy. He is such a great guy, he’s so intelligent. I see why they’re together, he looks like he’s in his early 30s, and Courtney looks like he’s in her late 20s. It’s like they’re talking about someone else when they say bad things about Doug. He’s with my daughter and I wouldn’t want a creepy guy with my daughter. He’s a wonderful, great man. Doug was managing Courtney’s career, but he has so many things coming his way that he just can’t handle it all. It will be better for Courtney with me managing her. I love my daughter, and I’ve been a good parent.”

So yeah. If the photos of Courtney copiously cooking in the citchen [sic] couldn’t conquor your conscience, just check out Mom Dukes here. She’s a winner, too, folks, and she apparently doesn’t want you to forget it, either.

Images courtesy of The Superficial