No joke – when I saw these photos early, early this morning, I grasped at my heart and said, “Oh my God no.” My husband immediately came into the kitchen from the living room, where he was eating his Chocolate Cheerios and watching something on ESPN and said, “What?! Is it time?” because my due date is only five days away and this baby is still checked into the Hotel Uterinel. And I said, “No, no … It’s just these Courtney Stodden pictures. She’s so awful, yet I feel compelled to write about her each and every time.” He acknowledged this with a grim, knowing smile and a nod and took his half-eaten bowl of cereal back into the living room for a while longer.
I sat and I pored over these photos for the better part of 30 minutes, taking in each and every inch of Courtney’s exposed, underaged body. Which looks nothing like Marilyn Monroe’s did. Marilyn Monroe would be laughing Courtney off the roof if she were alive today, seeing this homage. And because you know how obsessed with Marilyn Monroe Courtney Stodden is, she’d be crushed:
Yes, you remember. “Perfect fit” my ass.
Back to the photos, though, because at one point, I choked and sputtered again, to an audience of one – the dog. Since my husband had left for work, I turned to my coonhound-with-an-emotional-complex-named-Sadie and said, “OH MY GOD THERE’S NO ARMBAND. WHERE’S THE ARMBAND?” She looked at me like the world was ending, whined for a few minutes, and scratched at the door to be let out. (I almost had to go to the bathroom after that bombshell, too, girl.)
Also, since we didn’t really talk *too* much about Valentine’s Day other than running Court and Doug’s now-famous Lady and the Tramp-themed dinner and mini-cruise (read: quickie photo op on some dude’s boat that never left the marina) photos, here was her singular Tweet from the Big Day:
Feelin like a velvety Valentines vixen as I strip off my clothes to dip myself in a bowl of creamy & delicious dark cherry chocolate! SWEET!
Sweet indeed, Courtney. Guess somebody was pretty busy that day, huh?