Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Michael Lohan Is Going to Be A Dad Again!

A photo of Kate Major and Michael Lohan

And just to clarify, I’m not saying that Michael Lohan is going to step up and actually try to be a good father to the children he already has. No, when I say that Michael Lohan is going to be a dad again, I mean that, in just a few months’ time, he’s going to have a brand new kid to screw up. Because Michael Lohan knows what he’s good at, and he’s not going to hide his light under a bushel basket any longer.

Are you cringing just thinking about that? Yes? Well, then I have a bonus cringe for you: the mother of Michael’s latest spawn is none other than Kate Major, because of course. Kate Major, if you’ll remember, is the former tabloid journalist who quit her job to date Jon Gosselin, and then her life spiraled out of control from there. Obviously, she upgraded (???) to Michael, who is known for making amazingly romantic gestures like kicking Kate in the face, feeding her an eyeliner pencil, and selling naked photos of her because she totally deserved it. They’ve always had a sort of on again, off again thing, but at some point, Michael assaulted her and threatened to kill her for not giving him a blow job and she got a restraining order.

We know that they still hung out together after the restraining order, but I guess we didn’t know how intense their hangouts were. Hint: they were intense enough to make a baby. Kate’s still in her first trimester, but she’s already showing, so we know that Michael violated the restraining order that was just lifted a few weeks ago. With his dick. He violated the order with his dick.

Obviously, this brings up a whole lot of questions. Can the world handle another Lohan? Whose DNA would make a better Lohan spawn, Kate’s or Dina‘s? Isn’t it great that Lindsay is so responsible now so she can be an awesome big sister? WHY HAVE AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE AGREED TO HAVE SEX WITH MICHAEL LOHAN?!

6 CommentsLeave a comment

  • A lot of us threw up a little in our mouths at the thought of another Lohan being produced into this world by this two. Poor kid.

  • “Michael assaulted her and threatened to kill her for not giving him a blow job and she got a restraining order.”

    Has anyone ever seen him and Mel Gibson in the same room together?

    • Right? After I’d already scheduled the post, I thought about going back and referring to that part as “pulling a Mel Gibson,” but then I figured that you guys would piece that together.

      I don’t understand why some dudes can get so aggressive about blow jobs.

  • It’s deep how those on the “Z-list” can be accused of Domestic Violence, still get another girl then knock her up. Only in Hollyweird and go see Dana (DNA) because you are a moron, yet straight pimping with these H*es.