Remember those days? Back in 2009, I believe it was, when Brandon Davis was boinking both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (oh, and Miranda Kerr and Avril Lavigne) and everyone thought he was the hotness and by “everyone” I mean “those who were on some pretty serious drugs at the time? Because it appears that a trifecta of terror emerged this past weekend from a party that cops raided at 7 AM. Because of a noise complaint. Who phones in a noise complaint at 7 in the damn morning? I mean, I’m not defending these assholes or anything because it’s like, come on—you’re how old and you’re partying ’til the wee hours of the morning in California? And not even in some fabulously awesome place like Tahiti or Cannes or whatever? The cops came to your house party? Please. But seriously, why even bother calling the cops about noise at 7 in the morning. I know there’s probably noise ordinances and what not to adhere to, but why even bother for the sake of another hour of quietude?

Anyway. Brandon and Paris, if you remember, notoriously dubbed Lindsay “Firecrotch” back in 2006, but apparently there’s no lost love since they’re partying like it’s … well, 2006. Super.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Watched it, did you? Alright, then. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Point number one? When Perez Hilton out-acts you, you know that your career is in the crapper. Second? I think Perez Hilton would be fabulous if he were cast in the role of the Cowardly Lion in a Wizard of Oz production somewhere on Broadway. Can we agree on that? Third, if this is the extent of Lindsay‘s current Acting Abilities, the dreaded Liz Taylor movie‘s going to be a wash. Seriously. Crumple it up and throw it in the can now, because why even make the film?

Unlike me, however, Lindsay’s Glee co-stars were thrilled by her performance and claimed it was a pleasure and an honor to work with such a legend. Ha! I’m totally joking. Wasn’t that a good one? Chris Colfer and Lea Michele were interviewed after the airing, and instead of blowing some kind of BS smoke up our asses about … well, what I said up there about Lindsay being a pleasure to work with and what not, they merely acknowledged the fact that people talk shit on Lindsay all the time and they didn’t really interact with her at all during the filming:

Colfer shared that he was “not surprised, unfortunately” to hear that people had been spreading rumors about her, with his pal Michele adding that everything seemed kosher when she was on set.

“I mean, you never really know what’s true and what’s not,” she explained to MTV News at the Fox upfront in New York City this week. “From what we know, she did her stuff and we were busy shooting ours.”

Oh, burn, Lindsay. Burn.

Did you guys watch the show? Did you like it? If you didn’t, and you got your impression mainly from the clip above, did she bomb it or what?

You guys, it’s Mother’s Day! Did you call your moms? Moms, did your kids call you? Dudes who have kids with moms, did you tell your ladies “happy Mother’s Day”? I just want to make sure you have all your bases covered. I’m just looking out for you here. As someone who has heard a mother’s bloodcurdling scream of “NO FLOWERS?!” before, I feel it’s my duty.

But since it’s such a special day for mothers, I figured we’d take some time to discuss one of the greatest moms in Hollywood, Dina Lohan! She was on Access Hollywood on Friday, where she discussed the similarities between Lindsay and Liz Taylor, Lindsay’s friendship with Woody Allen, and Lindsay’s plans for today:

With her legal troubles behind her and a new role playing Elizabeth Taylor, Lindsay Lohan appears to have turned a corner and mom Dina Lohan couldn’t be more proud.

Dina stopped by Access Hollywood Live on Friday, where she chatted with Billy Bush and guest co-host Lisa Rinna about her daughter and Lindsay’s new role in the Lifetime movie, “Liz & Dick.”

”[She’s] very prepared, she’s very excited,” Dina said of Lindsay. “She’s so excited to do this and it’s such an honor to play Liz Taylor.”

Dina explained that she sees a connection between her daughter and the late screen icon.

“There’s so many similarities [between them] … the tabloids, they attacked [Liz] as well,” Dina continued. “She’s really learned a lot, she’s grown up a lot.”

Dina explained why she has always come to her daughter’s defense publicly, but revealed she’s wasn’t a pushover behind closed doors.

“This town is tough… Lindsay is 25, so it’s for her to talk about her demise, or whatever was going on at the time,” she told Billy and Lisa. “I felt as a mother, yes, I’m going to protect my children publicly, privately, I kick their butts. I’m a single mom, of course I do!”

Dina also spoke about Lindsay’s dinner with Woody Allen last weekend, explaining that the director has been a longtime supporter of her daughter.

“He has her back, which not many people have,” she said of Woody, noting they’ve met up many times prior to last week. “It was a normal business meeting and friendship.”

As for her Mother’s Day plans – she’ll be spending it with Lindsay – Dina said she’s leaving it up to her daughter.

“Lindsay will plan something,” she added. “She’s good at that and she’ll dress me.”

Oh, for sure, there are so many similarities between Lindsay and Elizabeth Taylor! And ooh, we should all be so ashamed for not having Lindsay’s back like Woody Allen! Oh my, how my eyes have been opened! I hope Lindsay dressed you well today, Dina! Can’t wait to hear about what you guys did!

Sometimes a bunch of words helps to tell a story. Sometimes an assortment of pictures helps illustrate a point. But sometimes, all you need is a video of two old dudes being awesome and discussing life, love, and the pros and cons of Adele.

I can’t decide if my favorite part is when they listen to “Ms. New Booty” or when they mistake Snooki for “nookie” or when they sing “New York, New York” or when they all wave to the passing car, but I know my least favorite part is that neither of these men is my grandfather.

Really, she can’t. That’s what this whole thing is about. Lindsay Lohan has done so many horrible things to her poor lips that they won’t even shut. These pictures were taken last night, and that’s the first thing I noticed when I saw them. How can she think that those look good? Seriously, check out those pictures where she’s trying to close her mouth. It’s not a great situation.

Other than that, I think Lindsay looks pretty great (for Lindsay). I actually kind of like her dress, and her shoes are kind of cute. But her makeup and hair look a little like what I was into when I was in the sixth grade. It’s the random bobby pin and the glittery white eye shadow, and it takes me right back to my sixth grade dance. I wore this light blue silky shirt and this awful blue skirt, it was 90′s as hell, and yes, I had the bobby pin and the eye shadow. I was 11 though, so I didn’t get to have all the collagen pumped into my lips. Small miracles, I guess.

But this is all just my opinion – except the part about Lindsay not being able to close her mouth, that part is just a fact – so tell me, what do you guys think about Lindsay’s look?

Oh, I’m sorry—you were probably hoping to see these amazing photos with Lindsay looking all sorts of normal and non-cracked-out with her original lips and teeth, weren’t you? Well, guys, I hate to break it to you, but that’s just no longer the reality that we’re working with anymore. Nope, these photos—three of them in total—feature Lindsay Lohan in her Glee appearance, and if these pictures are any indication of how craptastic the cameras are going to be to her in the Liz Taylor movie, then I think we can forget Lindsay ever being “back,” as they say.

Because there’s no coming “back” from this, guys:

There’s just not.

Will you be tuning in to see the f-ckery in motion when the episode airs on May 15th?