Hey. First of all, let me just say that I love you, and I admire your strength. All right? No one should ever have to see what you’ve seen, and you’ve faced so much more than you ever should have had to face. I can’t take that back, but I can try to make it better.

I want to talk to you first, Lindsay Lohan’s hair. It’s possible that you’ve had it the worst of all. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to go through all those treatments and bleachings and who knows what else, and it speaks very strongly of you that you’ve survived this long. I know it must have been hard to be introduced to all those new weaves and extensions, not to mention the semen that’s probably gotten all over you from time to time. I’m sorry that you have to go through what you’re going through right now, with the cheap ass curls and bangs. Is that even you, or are you trapped up under there in some stockings? Maybe it would be better that way, but don’t give up hope.

Ok, Lindsay Lohan’s clothes, you’re up next. You’re kind of in a different situation, but it’s still a tragic one: you’re living your life, chillin’ in a store somewhere with your clothes friends, and then bam! It finally happens! You get to go to your forever home! Sure you have some raggedy fur stuck to you, but that’s not your fault, and it’s not important, because you’re going home with your new mommy! Life at this moment is the best it’s ever going to get … and then you realize what you’re facing. A lifetime of cigarette smoke stains and critique. It’s not fair, I know that, but try to be strong!

Speaking of strong, I know you’re doing the best you can, Lindsay Lohan’s titties. I know that. You don’t have the support that your other titty friends have, but you still get out there and bounce with the best of them! You’re an inspiration!

Lindsay Lohan’s lips, you’re an inspiration too! You’re a little bigger than you used to be, and that’s not your fault, but you’re working it! Be proud, be fierce! Keep doing your job, despite all that’s happened to you! Own it!

Now, Lindsay Lohan’s teeth … it’s hard to be so optimistic with you. I know you don’t have a lot of time left, but I am hoping with all my heart that you know the comforting touch of a toothbrush one more time before you pass on to that great beyond.

Lastly, to Lindsay Lohan herself: please take care of all these magnificent things. They try so hard to serve you and to be good to you, the least you could do is give them the care and attention they need. I’d appreciate it, and heaven knows they would appreciate it even more.

With all the love and respect in the world,
Emily

Ha ha, but really. In all seriousness, I’m thinking of taking up a collection so that we can get Lindsay Lohan some quality bras. She never wears any because she spends all her money on coke, right? And I don’t want to reward that behavior, but I also don’t want to keep looking at Lindsay’s floppy titties all the time. I’m thinking we’ll pull together some funds on PayPal or something, and one of you out west can take Lindsay to the Victoria’s Secret or what have you, and make sure that she gets the support she needs. Not for her mental health issues, but for her boobs. Sound good?

And no, I’m not done talking about Lindsay Lohan’s breasts.

I’ve always been a busty girl too. I had to wear a training bra in second grade, which led to one of my favorite nicknames the assholes at my school gave me: Big Boob Girl. Ah, kids. But I kept on wearing that bra, and by the time I was 10, I moved right on to my first A cup, which lasted until I was 12, when I moved up to a B. They kept on growing through middle school and high school, and until I was around 21, the only time I ever took my bra off was to take a shower. I couldn’t imagine going into public without one on, and I certainly couldn’t imagine doing a photo shoot without one. To be fair though, that very last part is probably more about Lindsay being a meth mouthed floozy than anything else.

But that’s why these new pictures, a series of photographs that Lindsy did with Terry Richardson, really got to me. These pictures hurt, don’t they? I don’t get how she can ever be comfortable when she’s running around everywhere with her breasts flopping every which way. Does she think it looks sexy? Because I don’t think it does. I think it looks painful and awkward and like you need to put yourself together before you start your day.

Oh, and I looked at all these pictures pretty hard, and I don’t think there are any photos of actual nipple, but if you manage to spot one, go ahead and holler so I can fix that, all right? Also, here’s an extra little game for you: see if you can spot Marilyn Monroe! She’s in there somewhere!

Images courtesy of Terry Richardson’s Diary

Ok, I’m going to get real right quick: if I have to see Lindsay Lohan done up like Marilyn Monroe or compare herself to Marilyn Monroe one more time, I’m going to have to take some drastic measures. Like, I might have to tweet about it, and I haven’t tweeted anything since July when I set a small fire in my kitchen. That’s how seriously I feel about this.

It’s like all Lindsay can do these days is look busted, and it’s really sad. I watched Mean Girls a couple weeks back, and you guys, she was so pretty, and she was funny, and she had so much going for her. I’m not saying that she could have ever won that Oscar she keeps going on about, but she could have made some good movies. Instead, she chose cocaine and a “career” in “modelling.” It’s disappointing.

Oh, and by the way, that modelling career? It doesn’t seem like it’s going too hot. These photos of Lindsay looking like a meth-faced Marilyn appear in this month’s issue of Love magazine. Do you want to see the cover of the issue?

She didn’t even get the cover, guys. She got her name in small print next to Linda Evangelista’s face. That is how important Lindsay is these days. And that’s sad.

What do you think about these photos? Are you digging them at all, or are you as sick of Lindsay’s modelling as I am?

According to X17 (via Celebuzz), Lindsay Lohan just might have a new fella in her life!

Meet 21-year-old Henry Hopper. He just finished shooting a movie called Tar. He is French Stewart’s stepson. And! He is Dennis Hopper‘s son. I know!

Unfortunately, Lindsay claims there is no truth to the rumor they are an item. Furthermore, she would prefer that I not re-report that a liquor store clerk TOTALLY saw her kissing Henry Hopper.

The Hollywood Gossip:

Lindsay acknowledges she was at the party at the Chateau Marmont—where she’s living since moving out of her beach house—in Hollywood Sunday night.

However, she insists she was sitting with Alan Cummings the whole time and only drank water. As for Henry Hopper, she says the two are just friends.

Lohan is pissed over reports about a recent gas station makeout session with Dennis Hopper’s son, where she allegedly purchased Red Bull and vodka.

Sources close to LiLo say the only items she bought that day were soda, chips, and cigarettes, and that she and Henry have never once hooked up.

See, I would love for this to be true, actually. I think Lindsay has done herself a real disservice by running with an older crowd. Maybe she needs a nice young dude in her life.

(Image gallery via Celebuzz.)

So, you guys saw the previous clip this morning that I ran in the MILEY CYRUS ATE A PENIS CAKE! post, and from there on out, I spent about three hours looking at old clips of our formerly-favorite girl, Lindsay Lohan. The clip, above, was, by far, my favorite one yet. Lindsay was so young and promising, and didn’t even realize that in the short span of eight years that she’d be all but completely over, fighting over bitty parts in Lifetime movies with other generally-out-of-work actresses. Amazing, right?

So go ahead. Watch the video. I’ll be right here waiting for you to come back and we can discuss it together, huh?

Alright. Done? Good. So, GOD, huh? She used to be so almost-completely awesome, right? She was eighteen and cheeky and f-cking adorable and endearing – and damn right, she couldn’t sing back then either, but that’s completely aside from the point. Lindsay Lohan used to be a demi-goddess, and she used to work all of the time and now look where she’s at. Honestly, sometimes I can’t believe it myself, but here’s the living proof right in front of you. So messed up.

Also, if you’ll notice, after she finishes performing, she couches it for a sit-down with Ellen and …

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Guys, there is an evil, evil part within me that actually rejoices when I reread this line. “Megan Fox might steal Lindsay Lohan’s Liz Taylor Role”? Come on. Tell me that’s not almost comedic gold. Coming from where Lindsay Lohan used to be and comparing it to what success Megan’s had to date? OMG. I’m dying here. From E!:

It appears Lindsay Lohan isn’t the only starlet in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor.

Although the Mean Girls star confirmed she is still up for the role in the buzz-worthy biopic to E! News Sunday night at the Weinstein Company Golden Globes after party, we’ve learned Lohan has some competition by way of Megan Fox.

“I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversations with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Lifetime’s Liz and Dick, told E! News exclusively.

Thompson declined to elaborate further on specifics of the negotiations, but added that being in talks with more than one actress is not meant as an affront to the talent involved, but rather is simply de rigueur for projects of this nature.

“It’s a very serious selection,” Thompson continued. “It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty.”

And speaking of serious, a source tells E! News that while Lohan is still one of the frontrunners for the role, her probation status is “a complication.”

In case you weren’t aware, Lindsay was “pretty much” set to be cast as Liz Taylor in a … ahem, Lifetime movie biopic of the late actress. You heard that right – Lifetime.

Anyway, back to Megs and Linds. Nuts, right? This business is straight outta Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, but the two ladies involved are well beyond high school age. But hey. Maybe it’s all supposed to happen this way. Maybe some things just aren’t meant to be. You know, things like self-replication or time travel to dimensions in other galaxies. Or, duh, better example!: Like a Lindsay Lohan film resurrection. I honestly think it’s safe to say that that particular ship has sailed, powered by the main driving force of burning meth and methane gas via Red Bull and vodka flatulence.

Sources say that a decision’s going to made by early next week. Won’t you be waiting with bated breath ’til then? Jeez, I know I will; can you just imagine how Lindsay’s going to be coping over the next few days? And why do I feel like it’s going to go down like it did in Mommie Dearest, where Faye Dunaway screams “BOX OFFICE POISON?!” and then goes and hacks down half of her rose garden with scary pruning shears in outrageous anger?