Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kate Major

Lindsay Lohan Is A Big Sister Again!

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

From TMZ:

Big day for Michael Lohan … his daughter escaped jail … and his fiancee just gave birth to a BOUNCING BABY BOY!!!

While Lindsay was sweatin’ it out in court, Kate Major went into labor at a Florida hospital.

We’re told Kate gave birth to a son — Landon Major Lohan — at 11:39 AM PT.

The baby weighed in at 19 3/4 inches, 7 lbs 5 oz … and is already wanted in 3 states (kidding!).

We’re told Michael was with Kate the entire time … and even cut the umbilical cord.

A rep for the family tells us baby, Michael and Kate are all doing great.

Congratulations, everybody! And by “congratulations,” of course I mean “someone please get that poor darling baby as far away from all these people as possible.” Michael Lohan probably didn’t need to be raising any kids in the first place, but I feel like now that his crazy asshole tendencies have really set in, this kid is in even more trouble than he would have been if he was part of the original Lohan brood. I mean, in a few years this kid can Google his dad and read all about the time that he kicked his mom in the vagina. That just has bad news written all over it.

Michael Lohan Has High Hopes for His Newest Kid

A photo of Kate Major

And yes, that is a recent photo of the lucky mother-to-be, Kate Major. Look at that bump! And she’s supposed to be in her first trimester. I know that all pregnancies look different, but doesn’t she look a little farther along than that? WHAT IF IT’S TWINS?!

Oh, I already have the answer to that question, by the way, the “what if it’s twins” thing. See, if it’s twins, then that will just be double the fun, and we’ll have the next Mary Kate and Ashley on our hands. We know that because of this quote that Huffington Post got from one of Kate Major’s “friends”:

“It is for sure his child and they are back together,” a friend of Kate’s tells me. “They are both very excited about the news and can’t wait for the arrival of the baby. Michael is already picking out names and hopes they have a daughter as beautiful and talented as Lindsay. This is a second chance for him to be the parent he always wanted to be.”

I know that it takes babies a little time to learn how to walk and all that, but could someone get on creating a miracle so that baby can start running as soon as it exits the womb? Because this whole thing is just going to be a giant ol’ mess. If Kate does give birth to a little girl, then Michael is going to be taking head shots before the rest of her body has left the vaginal canal. It’s going to be insane. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually wanted to name his new daughter Lindsay, all in the name of second chances.

This whole thing reminds me of this V.C. Andrews series, which is neat. It’s the Gemini series, it’s all about these twins, a boy and a girl, and their mother favored the son, so when he died in an accident when he was a kid, she cut the daughter’s hair and dressed her up in his clothes and called her by his name. It was cool for a while, but then she got her period and then got pregnant, so things got a little awkward. My point is that if Michael and Kate have a son, then whoa, that boy better watch himself before he gets a raggedy ass weave.

Michael Lohan Is Going to Be A Dad Again!

A photo of Kate Major and Michael Lohan

And just to clarify, I’m not saying that Michael Lohan is going to step up and actually try to be a good father to the children he already has. No, when I say that Michael Lohan is going to be a dad again, I mean that, in just a few months’ time, he’s going to have a brand new kid to screw up. Because Michael Lohan knows what he’s good at, and he’s not going to hide his light under a bushel basket any longer.

Are you cringing just thinking about that? Yes? Well, then I have a bonus cringe for you: the mother of Michael’s latest spawn is none other than Kate Major, because of course. Kate Major, if you’ll remember, is the former tabloid journalist who quit her job to date Jon Gosselin, and then her life spiraled out of control from there. Obviously, she upgraded (???) to Michael, who is known for making amazingly romantic gestures like kicking Kate in the face, feeding her an eyeliner pencil, and selling naked photos of her because she totally deserved it. They’ve always had a sort of on again, off again thing, but at some point, Michael assaulted her and threatened to kill her for not giving him a blow job and she got a restraining order.

We know that they still hung out together after the restraining order, but I guess we didn’t know how intense their hangouts were. Hint: they were intense enough to make a baby. Kate’s still in her first trimester, but she’s already showing, so we know that Michael violated the restraining order that was just lifted a few weeks ago. With his dick. He violated the order with his dick.

Obviously, this brings up a whole lot of questions. Can the world handle another Lohan? Whose DNA would make a better Lohan spawn, Kate’s or Dina‘s? Isn’t it great that Lindsay is so responsible now so she can be an awesome big sister? WHY HAVE AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE AGREED TO HAVE SEX WITH MICHAEL LOHAN?!