First of all, I have to hand it to Kate Major‘s arresting officer, Andrew Crawford, because this is one of the best affidavits I’ve ever read.

I think it must be difficult to turn police procedure into a riveting narrative about some crazy-eyed 28-year-old woman slinging racist epithets and “almost kicking Officer McCoy,” but Officer Crawford has done it.

There are so many great details, too, like when three officers are needed to restrain Kate Major. Or how about that time she said her arm was sore, and she asked the Fire Rescue team to treat her injuries, and once they got there, she had no injuries? And then how she announced she was leaving, hopped up, and tried to walk out of her jail cell? Ah! What a hoot!

I especially like when Officer Crawford refers to himself in the third person. And when the police officer describes Kate Major’s compliance as “only last[ing] for approximately thirty seconds,” you can really feel his pent-up ire! I’d buy the book, Crawford!

Other kudos go to Celebitchy for dropping the best freaking mugshot since Nick Nolte.

I have typed up the sum total of Officer Crawford’s two-page affidavit (via TMZ). I hope you appreciate all that I do for you, dear readers.

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Despite my best efforts, I am all-consumingly fascinated by Kate Major: she is 28 years old; a former tabloid journalist; desperate for fame yet atypically bland; Michael Lohan‘s occasional girlfriend; Jon Gosselin‘s ex.

Five whole days ago, Kate Major left rehab (she excitedly retweeted the news on her own Twitter account).

But Major has a nose for trouble, it seems. At 3:10 AM EST this very morning, she was arrested yet again. And according to Starcasm, she has been out of jail for a few hours now—she posted bail, to the tune of $3,000, shortly after noon.

Radar Online has both the mugshot and the scoop:

Major’s been charged with battery against an officer and resisting an officer with violence.

Major just recently completed a 30-day stint in rehab, and it’s unknown at this time if alcohol played a role in her arrest.

I am not sure how to feel about Kate Major. She has evidently suffered all kinds of physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse at the hands (or the, uh, whatever) of Michael Lohan. Two months ago, she drunkenly assaulted a fellow passenger on an airplane.

On top of everything else, Kate Major looks like a total wreck. I cannot even believe I am looking at a 28-year-old woman.

Where’s Michael Lohan, anyway? Last I heard, he was in solitary confinement—no joke!—where he’ll fester until Wednesday.

In the meantime, Kate Major has been keeping herself busy! To start, she sat down with Dr. Drew, who was happy to help her air some of her business on national television. She dropped a bunch of bombshells during their interview, too, like:

- Michael Lohan is on steroids
- Michael Lohan has been shopping around a sex tape that Kate Major says she didn’t know existed
- Michael Lohan was using the threat of said sex tape to make Kate Major drop her restraining order
- Michael Lohan once tried to force-feed Kate Major an eyeliner pencil
- No, she’s never met Lindsay

After the episode finished taping, Kate Major caught a flight from L.A. back to Tampa, where she lives. And you’ll never guess what happened next! Kate Major drunkenly assaulted someone on the flight! Right there in first class! Then she was escorted from the plane, arrested, cited with misdemeanor battery, and released. I know! And while this was all going down, Lindsay Lohan managed to serve an entire jail sentence.

(Image via The Hollywood Gossip.)

Same story, different day: Michael Lohan was arrested in the wee hours Tuesday morning for, once again, trying to beat up his sometimes-lady-friend, 28-year-old gossip journalist Kate Major. According to CNN, authorities responded to a call from Lohan’s Tampa home and immediately arrested Lohan for “battery on his live-in girlfriend,” the police statement said. Most news sources say the call came from Major’s home. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

When D-Listed reported that this was all over a beej, I thought blogger Michael K was kidding. But Us confirms that the conflict escalated when Major refused to, uh, “go downtown.”

The remaining details outlined in the police report may not be appropriate for workplace-reading.

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If you’re like a lot of people, you probably went out and celebrated Thanksgiving Eve with a night of debauchery and libations, hoping vaguely through muddy thoughts that you’re not too hungover the next day for the big eats and won’t puke on your plateful of Aunt Josie’s giblet stuffing which, ironically, looks much like your vomit. If you did, you weren’t alone. Some of my more … interesting memories have occurred on Thanksgiving Eve, and most of them I will probably never live down.

Kind of like our girl Tila Tequila. Tila, who is normally pretty demure, took her antics up a notch this past Wednesday evening at the House of Blues in LA, where she grinded and gyrated on top of Michael Lohan’s on-again, off-again girlfriend, Kate Major, who is apparently a good friend. And yes, we have the photos to prove it.

The evening was held in celebration to honor Kate’s birthday, along with Joslyn James’ and Gina Rodriguez’s. James, if you’ll remember, was one of the porn stars that got chummy with Tiger Woods’ pork sword, and Gina Rodriguez was the woman who allegedly had the affair with married Bones star, David Boreanaz.

And just when you thought the evening could get no trashier – Michael Lohan was also in attendance.

So if you’re still stuffed from yesterday, and the old finger-down-the-throat trick isn’t working to clear your gorge, just check out the photo featuring Tila whipping her greasy-assed hair around and that should just about do it.

Photo via Radar

You know these ladies.  Kate Major, former girlfriend of Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin, and Tila Tequila … well, I think we’re all familiar with Tila Tequila’s contributions to the world.  This picture was taken of the two women out at a party in L.A., and don’t they just look so chummy?  Understandably so – can you imagine the kind of hijinks these two could get in together?  Tila could introduce Kate to the world of music, and Kate could introduce Tila to the world of dating shady dudes.  This is the new Laverne and Shirley, guys, believe it.

Also, in that picture there, do you guys see a little scar where Tila’s oversized bandaid used to be, or is that just me?