14Lindsay Lohan’s Parents Are Each Writing Memoirs

Image via NY Daily News

Lindsay Lohan’s parents have to be competing in some sort of “worst parent ever” contest. Mother Dina is working on a memoir that reveals how awful her husband, Michael Lohan/Lindsay’s father is. And Michael is writing a memoir about how awful Dina is. And Lindsay is stuck in the middle getting Botox.

Though it seemed like Dina told all when she appeared in a, shall we say, unfocused state on Dr. Phil’s show in September of 2012, she apparently has more to tell. She’s accused her ex husband of physical, mental and sexual abuse. Michael is saying that Dina is lying, and he’ll be sure to tell us all about it in his book tentatively titled, I Am Not Daddy Dearest…If I Can Turn It All Around, So Can You!. Brought to you by The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Seriously though, that really is the title of the book. I can only assume Dina’s will be titled Life Struggles with Dina “I’m Not A Regular Mom I’m A Cool Mom” Lohan.

This has to be embarrassing for Lindsay, but then again, if Lindsay isn’t going to do any work on paying off her insane debts, somebody’s got to make money somehow. Ha, just kidding, these books aren’t going to sell.

Do you think either book is going to be popular? Is there anything they could say that we don’t know already? And how do you feel about Lindsay stuck in all of this?

February 11, 2013 at 5:30 am by Catherine St. Ives

4Lindsay Lohan Is A Big Sister Again!

From TMZ:

Big day for Michael Lohan … his daughter escaped jail … and his fiancee just gave birth to a BOUNCING BABY BOY!!!

While Lindsay was sweatin’ it out in court, Kate Major went into labor at a Florida hospital.

We’re told Kate gave birth to a son — Landon Major Lohan — at 11:39 AM PT.

The baby weighed in at 19 3/4 inches, 7 lbs 5 oz … and is already wanted in 3 states (kidding!).

We’re told Michael was with Kate the entire time … and even cut the umbilical cord.

A rep for the family tells us baby, Michael and Kate are all doing great.

Congratulations, everybody! And by “congratulations,” of course I mean “someone please get that poor darling baby as far away from all these people as possible.” Michael Lohan probably didn’t need to be raising any kids in the first place, but I feel like now that his crazy asshole tendencies have really set in, this kid is in even more trouble than he would have been if he was part of the original Lohan brood. I mean, in a few years this kid can Google his dad and read all about the time that he kicked his mom in the vagina. That just has bad news written all over it.

January 31, 2013 at 4:30 am by Emily

6Lindsay Lohan Probably Isn’t A Prostitute, Maybe

I just don’t know what to think, you guys. This is hard. Is Lindsay a prostitute? Is she not a prostitute? She’s so misunderstood. Just like her dad.

Because here’s what happened: there was this new story all about how Lindsay is getting paid to go on dates with rich dudes. Or, ok, obviously the story wasn’t new, but this quote from Michael Lohan was:

“She is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!”

But just shut your stupid mouths, because he never, ever said that, ok? Not ever. Not in a million years. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT banging rich dudes for money … despite reports she’s a highly paid escort — so says her father.

Michael Lohan is quoted in the reports in question, saying Lindsay is “getting paid to date rich men.” According to the reports, these dates last for several days and the men shower her with lavish gifts like jewelry.

One alleged client is the third in line for the throne of Brunei, who allegedly paid Lindsay $100,000 to celebrate New Year’s with him in London.

But Michael insists he was misquoted — telling TMZ, “By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER!”

He adds, “Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

Oh, because Lindsay’s dad would be the first person she’d tell about it. Please. I don’t think that Lindsay would call herself a prostitute, but I don’t doubt that she’s making these “personal appearances,” and that sometimes the personal appearances take the form of dates, and sometimes, natch, dates lead to sex. How else does she ever have any money?

January 17, 2013 at 4:30 am by Emily

5Report: Lindsay Lohan is Too Good for her New Half-Sister

You guys all know that Michael Lohan has another daughter, now, right? Because he does, and he did, and now his family is all up in arms over it and just can’t believe that someone who has a history of punching women in the crotch might actually get sick of punching the same woman in the same crotch month after month, year after year, and might actually step out on that woman in order to punch a different woman in the crotch once in awhile. With his penis.

Lindsay is probably the maddest of all, though, guys, and she’s got a good reason—she thinks that Michael (and his daughter) is disgusting. Disgusting. … And … well, yes, Lindsay, of course cheating is “disgusting,” and I can see why a child might be upset that their father was stepping out on his family while still impregnating their very own mother, filling her uterus with legitimate brothers and sisters time and time again, but I think it’s a little far-gone to be calling your father “disgusting,” when you’re the one who’s calling him to tell him that your mother is doing cocaine and “touching her neck and shit,” right? I mean, let’s be real for a second: you’re all kind of disgusting, and no amount of self-righteousness is going to void out all of that disgusting, girl, I’m sorry.

Michael’s response to the whole thing? This:

“I am sorry to hear Lindsay feels that way. I met Ashley and she is a good kid. But we all have our choices to make in life, as well as our own prerogatives. Who knows, maybe someday things will change. Regardless, I want the best for all my kids.”

Snap.

November 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm by Sarah

8Michael Lohan Took A Paternity Test on TV, The Results Are SHOCKING

You won’t BELIEVE these test results! Is Michael Lohan the father of THIS 17-year-old girl? Does Lindsay Lohan have another SISTER? When DID Maury Povich get a spinoff? WE NEED THE ANSWERS NOW OH GOD NOW NOW NOW.

That was fun, but we don’t need to build the suspense any longer. Here are the results of the test:

This isn’t a huge surprise for a couple of reasons. This girl’s mom has been saying that Michael Lohan is the dude that got her pregnant for a good few years now, and it’s not like it’s hard to imagine Michael stepping out on Dina like that. But also, this girl kind of looks like Ali, right? Here, look at this picture of Ali Lohan:

Now just imagine her with a couple more pounds. Do you see it?

Regardless, let’s all take some time to send this brand new Lohan some well wishes. It’s got to be hard, you know? Imagine going about your life for 17 whole years, and then one day you find out that you are, without a shadow of a doubt, a Lohan. That would be hard, wouldn’t it?

November 15, 2012 at 7:30 am by Emily

5Michael Lohan Didn’t Send Octomom to Rehab … OR DID HE?

Who could forget this charming story? One of our very favorite famous fathers, Michael Lohan, was in charge of sending one of our very favorite famous mothers, Octomom, to rehab. Michael claimed that Octomom’s manager reached out to him and told him about Octomom’s problem with Xanax, and Michael was like “no problem, I got this.” He staged her intervention, and he set up a treatment program for her.

Except apparently this never happened.

Here’s the statement from Octomom’s rep:

“Michael Lohan’s only participation in this was that he gave me a number to a California rehab. [The TMZ story] also said that Michael and I arranged the treatment, which is not correct. Nadya wanted to check herself into treatment and came to me for help and I got her in.”

Right? But here’s what Michael said about that:

“I was contacted by Gina Rodriguez [Octomom's rep] to put together a TREATMENT PLAN and FACILITY for Nadya! Those things only! The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help! Nadya was willing to!”

So it sounds like someone’s fibbing here, doesn’t it? And after this little exchange of statements, Octomom herself took a brief break from rehab to make her own:

“I chose to seek treatment after consulting with my manager regarding my recent use of Xanax, which was prescribed by my physician for panic attacks. There were no other people involved with me entering treatment other than my manager and myself. There was no intervention that took place. I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it. I am paying for my own treatment; I am finding my voice here.”

This forces us to ask a very tough question: who is more trustworthy, Michael Lohan or Octomom?

November 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily