Remember those days? Back in 2009, I believe it was, when Brandon Davis was boinking both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (oh, and Miranda Kerr and Avril Lavigne) and everyone thought he was the hotness and by “everyone” I mean “those who were on some pretty serious drugs at the time? Because it appears that a trifecta of terror emerged this past weekend from a party that cops raided at 7 AM. Because of a noise complaint. Who phones in a noise complaint at 7 in the damn morning? I mean, I’m not defending these assholes or anything because it’s like, come on—you’re how old and you’re partying ’til the wee hours of the morning in California? And not even in some fabulously awesome place like Tahiti or Cannes or whatever? The cops came to your house party? Please. But seriously, why even bother calling the cops about noise at 7 in the morning. I know there’s probably noise ordinances and what not to adhere to, but why even bother for the sake of another hour of quietude?

Anyway. Brandon and Paris, if you remember, notoriously dubbed Lindsay “Firecrotch” back in 2006, but apparently there’s no lost love since they’re partying like it’s … well, 2006. Super.

Are you having a bad day? Maybe you’re just having a sort of “blah” day. Hey, maybe you’re even having a good day, but you’re open to opportunities to make it even better. I can definitely respect all of those things, and I would like to present you the solution to all of those challenges.

It is “Drunk Text,” the latest musical masterpiece from world renowned musician, Paris Hilton.

The music is so haunting, and the story the song tells is so riveting. You won’t believe how emotionally invested you’ll get as Paris weaves a remarkable tale of partying, taking creepy photos up dancers’ skirts and sending them to gentlemen callers, and more partying. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing for you, but when she says that harrowing last line, you’ll get chills. It’s THAT GOOD.

What do you guys think? Wait, you don’t have to answer that, I know exactly what you’re thinking: when is this album coming out so I can listen to nothing else for the rest of my whole entire life?

If you guys are anything like me, you listen to a whole lot of music. You have your favorites, the things you can listen to over and over without getting bored (some of mine are Bowie, Florence and the Machine, Jack’s Mannequin, and The Magnetic Fields, just in case you were curious), then you have the things that you obsess over and then kind of forget until you come across it during a good iTunes shuffle (this happened last night when an Avett Brothers song came on: I stopped whatever I was doing and thought I had discovered the sweetest music to ever grace my ears, before I realized that no, it’s just been a good few months since I listened to nothing but I And Love And You like I’d never heard anything else). But every once in a while, you get antsy with your music collection. You think “ugh, I’ve heard all this stuff a million times! I need something fresh! Something new! Something now!”

And, lucky for us all, Paris Hilton knows this. She knows this, and she’s doing something about.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that Paris has been working with a bunch of DJs on a new album full of house music, but now I’m here to bring you even more good news concerning this girl and her beautiful gift of song. Ready?

On the new album: “I’ve been in the studio all day recording my new album,” she told MTV News at the Weinstein Golden Globes afterparty. ”It’s completely different from my last album. I’m going with a whole new genre. I have Afrojack executive-producing the entire album. So we’ve just been coming up with the most incredible tracks,” she teased. “I was just in the studio with RedFoo the other night, so we’re going to be doing my new single with LMFAO.”

On fellow musicians LMFAO: “I’m so excited. The music’s turning out so great and I can’t wait to release it this summer. Two nights ago [I recorded the song with LMFAO],” she said, describing the session as “awesome.” “I’ve known them since I was a little girl. We grew up together ’cause our parents are friends, so I’m just so proud of them and all their success and what they’ve done ’cause they’ve just created this whole ‘Party Rock’ brand and it’s just so awesome.”

Music is her true passion: “I think a lot of people don’t know that music is my passion since I was a little girl,” she said. “I’m very musically talented. This is more my thing [musically on this album], more of a club scene, more dance. … The single’s done; it’s in the can. That’s probably going to be out [within] the next month or two.”

On her musical future: Hilton isn’t just singing for her new record — she’ll also be trying her hand at singing on the big screen when she works with “Repo! The Genetic Opera” director Darren Bousman on his next project. “I’m about to do a film with my friend Darren Bousman. He has a new musical that’s coming up called ‘The Devil’s Carnival,’ ” she said. “It’s about Hell, it’s a musical and it’s different.”

You know, I actually liked Repo! – not because of Paris Hilton though, not even a little bit (I love you, Anthony Stewart Head!) – but this is all too much. She’s trying way too hard to make this happen. It’s like, girl, we’ve all heard you sing. Stop pretending like we don’t know how awful this is going to be.

But are you guys excited anyway?!

I think about Paris Hilton sometimes. Is that weird? I don’t know, it’s just sometimes my mind wanders, like when I’m trying to fall asleep and Vincent Price’s voice just isn’t doing it for me (because, ok, I’m like an old lady who likes to put on the television “for some company,” I don’t usually enjoy absolute silence. For the past two months, The Last Man on Earth has been the go-to movie for bedtime. Well, The Last Man on Earth and Lucas. But ANYWAY). Sometimes I think about my plans for the next day, sometimes I brainstorm costumes to make for my little guinea pig, sometimes I think things like “gee, I wonder what Courtney Stodden is doing right now? And you guys, it never occurred to me in a million years, in all of my days, that Paris Hilton would ever be able to dye her hair.

I almost called Paris “the quintessential blonde,” that’s how much I thought that hair was a part of her. Paris Hilton’s constants are her arrogance, her stupidity, and them golden locks.

But no. Paris thinks it’s all right to change the rules. But you know what? I don’t think it looks half bad. Granted, there’s not a single photo of her without the sunglasses – our photo agency has three different sets of photos of her from three different locations, from day to night, and always with the sunglasses – but she looks pretty good, right? I mean, for her.

Oh, and here’s some bonus Paris news: she claims in a new interview with FHM UK that her fragrances have made more than $1.3 billion since 2005. That’s 1.3 billion dollars. From perfume. I might be even more appalled than I already am (and trust me, I’m way appalled), but for Christmas I got some of her perfume and it actually smelled pretty nice. It was really subtle, which was a shock because I think that I was under the impression that Paris’ perfume would smell more like dirty vaginas and shame.

But wait! I have even MORE Paris news for you, and this one you’re really going to love! She’s getting back into music!

“I have a huge passion for house music,” Hilton tells FHM UK. “I just haven’t been able to focus on it, because I have been doing reality TV for so long now. I’ve been working on the album with lots of other top DJs for a while now and I think people will be really surprised. It’s very modern and very catchy; perfect party music.”

“There are just so many great DJs right now,” Hilton adds. “And I should know — I’ve been to over 100 raves in the past year, so I’ve heard every type of music.”

So, friends, it looks like despite all of our fondest wishes and dreams, Paris Hilton might be making a comeback in 2012. I’m sorry that I had to be the bearer of bad news here, but hey, you had to here it somewhere. Just don’t shoot the messenger, please. It’s early and I’m still a little preoccupied by wondering what Courtney Stodden’s up to right now.

Because it’s 2007 and everybody still cares about Paris Hilton, right? Yes? Oh … it’s almost 2012? And nobody cares about Paris Hilton? But then what is she doing on the cover of this well-known magazine?

Your guess is as good as mine, friends. But look at that precious dog eyeballing that food! Totally worth it.

“One of the reasons God makes celebrities or other people is to give back, and to be able to use it in a positive way.”

And by “give back,” she means that God came down from his gilded throne earlier this year and revealed her true purpose on Earth: to wipe out the influx of her new, fellow reality television stars by spreading fatal STDs amongst those to the likes of The Situation, Farrah Abraham, and Brandi Glanville. Give that back, girl.

Everything finally makes sense now.