3LOL of the Day: Paris Hilton Cried Watching ‘The Bling Ring’

Listen, burglary isn’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and no one deserves to have their privacy violated, celebrity or otherwise. That being said, I can’t lie: it definitely made me laugh when I read that Paris Hilton cried watching Bling Ring, Sofia Coppola’s movie about the real-life celebrity burglaries of ’08-’09. She was even in the movie and allowed scenes to be filmed in her house, but she still found it pretty upsetting.

From Vulture:

“I was really emotional watching it,” Hilton confessed to me last night at the movie’s hot-ticket Nikki Beach after-party. “During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”

Oh man, that’s kinda tough and I guess I feel for her a bit. But wait, there’s an up side. She got to show off her mansion!!!!

“I designed everything in the house, so it was really cool to see it on film,” she said. It shows: Hilton’s house is a tribute to Hilton herself, and as the celebrity-obsessed Bling Ringers raid her walk-in shoe closet and party in her “nightclub room,” Hilton’s limpid face stares back at them, emblazoned on all the pillows, artwork, and walls. “That house is like my dream house,” she told me. “I worked so hard on every detail.”

Aaaaaand my levels of sympathy have gone down again.

May 18, 2013 at 4:30 pm by Jennifer

3Paris Hilton Really Likes Making Out, Tee Hee

Hey guys, remember Paris Hilton? While she generally likes assaulting the public’s senses on a daily basis, she’s been keeping a low profile and staying loved up with Spanish model boyfriend River Viiperi, who she apparently proposed to a couple of months ago. Anyway, while many might remember her for her boring but explicit sex tape from years ago, she’s since changed her approach to dating, I guess, and really just likes kissing 21-year-old River.

From Life & Style:

“We just love to sit in the corner and make out and dance,” Paris told Life & Style at Harrah’s Resort in Atlantic City, where she hosted The Pool After Dark’s six-year anniversary party on Saturday. “When I’m in the club with him, it’s like no one else in the room exists — it’s just us two with each other! It’s romantic.”

Paris wasn’t kidding. Just moments after speaking with us, the couple embraced in a steamy kiss on the dance floor. The duo were later spotted cuddling in a cabana at the club, while River snapped photos of Paris as she seductively posed for her man.

So what’s the secret to keeping the passion alive despite an 11 year age difference? “We have fun wherever we go,” Paris said. “We go out together. We love the same music.”

Well that’s… great for them? How is this even a story that’s reported on? Why am I reporting it, even? Whatever, it’s a really slow Friday, if you couldn’t tell.

May 10, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer

2Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Britney Spears and 11 Other Celebrities Get Hacked, Are Really Rich

Another day, another celebrity hacking. This time it’s not tits and ass we’re getting a peek at, but rather private financial information of some of Hollywood’s biggest stars (and a few politicians, too). Surprise: they’re all rich! Filthy rich!

From TMZ:

Twelve big celebs and political figures, including Jay-Z, Beyonce, are the victims of a hacker who has posted detailed information about what appears to be their finances … and we’ve learned law enforcement is on the case.

A website — we’re not disclosing the name — has posted social security numbers, mortgage amounts, credit card info, car loans, banking and other info of major celebs.  In addition to Beyonce and Jay-Z … the site has snagged financial dossiers of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Biden, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder and LAPD Chief Charlie Beck.

The site was not able to get a lot on Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton, but most of the others on the list have had their financial info compromised.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the LAPD has already launched an investigation.  We’re told the FBI is looking into it.

Damn. Donald Trump and Britney Spears were also added to this list soon after the initial report emerged. Basically nothing is private anymore, not even the financial information of big stars who can, presumably, pay or extra security measures to keep this info from getting out. It’s unclear what anyone would be able to do with this info since presumably, if you tried to steal money from these people, you’d have a damn hard time getting away with it, but maybe I’m just not up on the latest criminal approaches. Not really my scene.

I’m sure we’ll see some more celebs added to this list in the coming weeks. How much do you want to bet that since this is involving famous people, the perps will be caught and in jail by week’s end? Everyone knows Hollywood personalities are important than real crimes affecting regular people.

March 12, 2013 at 6:30 am by Jennifer

6Paris Hilton Still Exists; Proposed To Boyfriend

Paris Hilton used to be a great annoyance to humanity and then mericifully, she was gone. But thanks for the memories. However I’m writing about her now because she did something most women don’t do: she was the one who proposed in her relationship. That’s an unusual thing to do, at least here in the USA. It takes a lot of bravery for a woman to do that, and a really chill dude not to feel emasculated by that. So, okay, good job there taking control and not being afraid, Paris. Sure, they’ve only known each other a few months. And sure, he’s a decade younger. But in NO WAY would she EVER do something like this for publicity. She has WAY TOO MUCH integrity for that. It’s not like she’s doing this because all of her friends have busy lives and careers and families of their own and she feels sad and needs attention. She WOULD NEVER marry someone just because she didn’t want to be left out.

The dude in question is Spanish model River Viiperi. GOOD NEWS THOUGH: although he’s young, he’s old enough to drink (in America)! Barely (He’s 21.)

According to someone probably SUPER NEAR AND DEAR to Paris and NOT her assitant,

He’s given her an enthusiastic yes [to her proposal], but they’re keeping the engagement quiet for now. Paris can see he’s a good influence. He’s very easygoing and knows how to calm her down when something annoys her. [...] Paris believes River is the one.

The one what?

Via Showbizspy.

February 14, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

5Here’s a Song That Paris Hilton and Lil Wayne Did Together

Does it pain you to have to read that headline? Because it pained me to have to write it, ugh.

Seriously though, is this why Lil Wayne had all those strokes or whatever last month? Was it this Paris tie? Because I’d really believe it if someone told me that was the reason.

Last, this is probably the worst f-cking song I’ve ever heard in life, and I heard ‘It’s Thanksgiving‘ this week for the first time, guys. Do the math.

November 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Sarah

17Paris Hilton Made Out with A Girl While Her Boyfriend Assaulted Someone

Ok, the story is a little more complicated than that. See, Paris Hilton is dating this new douchebag (surprise!) named River Viiperi. He’s 21 years old, and he’s a male model. She’s dating a 21-year-old model named River. Is that painting a good picture for you? All right, so Paris took River out to this Vegas club, and they got absolutely wasted. That part isn’t in the official story, but I think it’s pretty easy to assume that Paris and River partook in some alcoholic beverages.

So they get drunk, and Paris starts making out with some girl, because of course she does. That’s what all the cool straight girls do to get attention and drinks in clubs. Right, so she’s making out with the girl, and poor River has to see his true love, Paris, sucking on someone else’s face. And how does he react? The only way a distraught, drunk young man can react: he punches Paris’ new lady friend’s boyfriend in the face. LOGIC IS AWESOME.

The boyfriend wanted to press charges, and River was arrested for misdemeanor battery, but I guess the cops who responded were like “ugh, this shit again,” because he was never even taken to the police station. They’re still investigating it though, because apparently there’s more stuff to investigate, but Paris’ rep refused to comment on the whole thing.

Oh, and if you need a LOL, here’s a photo of River:

Spread the LOLs, friend. So important.

October 1, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily