Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Beyonce

Beyonce “Lost Sixty Pounds” After “Giving Birth”

photo of beyonce pictures blue ivy pics
Yes, she did. At least that’s what she told fans at a show this past weekend in Atlantic City. On the stage, Beyonce said:

“Y’all have no idea how hard I worked. I had to lose 60 pounds. They had me on that treadmill. I ate lettuce!”

Sixty pounds, guys. That could be half a grown-ass adult. That could be a large five-year-old. Sixty pounds. For the record? This is what Beyonce looked like back in February, not even six weeks after giving birth:

photo of beyonce post birth pictures
So! She lost sixty pounds, right? I mean, Beyonce would never lie to us. She’d never lie to her fans (please believe, where I separated “us” and “her fans,” I entirely meant them to be mutually exclusive BECAUSE THEY ARE), right? Sixty pounds, woot! My question, though? Precisely what sixty pounds does she mean she lost? Because there just isn’t an “extra” sixty pounds on that frame to lose, guys. Someone made a mistake on those numbers somewhere.

Sigh. I call bullshit. Again.

Beyonce and Co. “Shaping” Baby Blue Ivy’s Nose?

photo of blue ivy carter pictures nose shaping pics
From Bossip:

Blue Ivy may be looking too much like Jay-Z for Tina Knowles’ taste.

The chitchatter out of Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s inner circle is that Grandma Tina has been obsessive about “shaping” Blue Ivy’s nose — a practice of pinching and smoothing a baby’s features in attempt to form them into “more attractive” shapes. An insider tells Bossip that friends have spotted Tina “shaping” the baby’s nose as she falls asleep on several occasions. “Blue Ivy really does look just like Jay-Z,” the insider tells BOSSIP. “Tina is hoping she doesn’t get his nose, but it’s already looking that way.”

The source says the couples friends have tried to laugh off Mama Tina’s efforts to keep Hov from having hurt feelings. “He’s being a good sport, but she isn’t even trying to hide it,” the source adds.

Well jeez. If all that business is true, that’s got to make Jay-Z feel really, really good about himself. Damn, Tina.

All I know is that It’d be a cold day in hell if I allowed my mother do something this silly in order to make my already-pretty baby even “prettier.” Unless, of course, Beyonce‘s completely on board with it, and if that’s the case, well hell. I suppose there’s always the option of Botox and plastic surgery for the kid when she hits the ripe old age of five. I mean, kids’ features are, like, fully-formed by then, right?

Beyonce Says That All Those Surrogacy Rumors Were “Oh My Gosh, So Stupid”

A photo of Beyonce

From People:

From the moment she stepped into the spotlight, Beyoncé has been the center of her fair share of rumors.

But even PEOPLE’s 2012 Most Beautiful Womanwas caught off guard when, while pregnant with her first child, whispers started swirling that she and husband Jay-Z had settled on a surrogate to carry their daughter.

“That was crazy. It wasn’t hurtful, it was just crazy,” the songstress, 30, tells PEOPLE. “[I thought] ‘Where did they come up with this?’”

But perhaps the person most affected by the surrogacy speculation was not the expectant mom herself, but rather her own mother, Tina Knowles.

“I thought it was very unfair and very cruel that someone would think that someone would be that diabolical to keep up a charade like that for nine months,” she says. ”As a mother it was painful for me to hear the crazy rumors. And I even had people ask me, which was so ridiculous.”

Alluding to an Australian interview in which it was later suggested that Beyoncé had been sporting a prosthetic bump, Knowles says, “It was a fabric that folded — does fabric not fold? Oh my gosh, so stupid.”

Fortunately, the protective mom adds, her daughter’s global fan following offered plenty of support. “There was so much love and well wishes from all over the world — it made it easier to deal with the stupid rumors.”

But the dust didn’t settle once the couple welcomed their baby girl.

Amidst the joy of welcoming Blue Ivy on Jan. 7, the new parents were said to have upset the hospital with their high list of security demands — a rumor that Beyoncé clarifies is “so crazy” and “ridiculous.”

Totally ridiculous.

I knew this girl in college who would just lie all the time. There was just a constant stream of lies pouring out of her lying mouth at all times. She would make up excuses for why she couldn’t do things and she would make up stories about things she had done. And it wasn’t a surprise or anything, because everyone knew what was going on. When anybody called her out on it and just flat out said “girl, this isn’t true, you are lying,” she’d always say “what? That’s crazy. That’s so ridiculous. What?” That was her defense, to call everything “crazy” and “ridiculous.” And that’s why I’m like “whatever, Beyonce.”

By the way, here’s that video that’s “oh my gosh, so stupid,” the one where the fabric of Beyonce’s dress folds:

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Yep, still looks less like fabric folding and more like a belly folding to me, Bey.

Beyonce Does Not—DOES NOT—Want to Be Kim Kardashian’s Friend

photo of beyonce pictures tumblr personal photos pics
Come on, now, are you surprised?

From Heat World:

“Despite Kanye being one of Jay’s closest friends, Beyoncé wasted no time in banning Kim from being invited into their circle, which is exclusive to say the least,” a friend of Bey’s tells heat. “Beyoncé is used to hanging out with Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow – she’s in a totally different league to Kim.”

It’s bad news for Kim who is big fan of the pop diva, as she was hoping for lots of girlie bonding sessions with Beyonce.

“Kim had visions of her and Beyoncé hanging out while Jay and Kanye talked music and business,” heat’s source reveals, “but it’s not going to happen.”

It looks like Reality star Kim’s tell-all lifestyle clashes with the ultra-private Beyonce’s – who closely guards details of her own private life.

“Bey’s marriage to Jay-Z was extremely private, and neither of them confirmed it until long after the event. Kim, on the other hand, turned her wedding into a media circus and the whole thing was filmed for a Reality show. Bey thought that it was really tacky and is not a fan of Reality TV, either.”

It just goes to show—no matter how much money you have, who you have under your thumb, how pretty you are, and even, f-ck, how many times you’ve been peed on for public consumption—money can’t buy class, and nor can it buy the friendship of people who possess said class.

Thing is, Kanye and Jay-Z are, like, the most epic of friends, supposedly. Don’t you think that Kanye dating Kim is going to drive a wedge between … well, it’s going to drive a wedge between someone(s), because if Kanye can’t bring Kim around Jay-Z and Beyonce because Beyonce knows what’s up, then Kim’s going to feel all awkward and shunned, and Kanye’s going to go on an ALL CAPS RANT, and shit’s going to blow up between him and Jay-Z, and then Jay might get upset with Beyonce ’cause she can’t get along with dirty hos. Man, the drama.

At any rate, if this is all true, it’s really good to know that even though there are people who idolize the Kardashians for whatever reason, that there are just as many “important” people out there who don’t think they’re worth a bucket of cold piss. No pun intended.

Love It or Leave It: Beyonce’s Post-Baby Fashion

A photo of Beyonce

Oh my goodness, you guys. When Beyonce gave birth to Blue Ivy (or removed her baby bump-shaped pillow from under her shirt and picked Blue up from the hospital, whichever), did her fashion sense go with her? Because this woman has been looking rough these past few months. I’m not talking about her body either: I’m talking about the clothes that she chooses to put on her body. They are awful.

Look at those pants. Look at those plants and tell me why they exist. Or, ok, I can see why they exist, but explain to me why Beyonce wore them out in public to a Knicks game instead of at home to go to bed. And why is she insisting on wearing that hat and sunglasses combo? One time could be cute and quirky, but if it’s going to become a habit, then I revoke my support immediately. And those shoes. I actually had to zoom in on her feet to see that the tips are pink and the sides are clear and she’s not just wearing ridiculously narrow heels. If you know how much feet gross me out, then you know that I’m dedicated to this cause. It’s the cause of revealing Beyonce’s offensive fashion choices and persuading her to seek help in the future. It’s very near and dear to my heart.

One last thing: I think I saw those pants in a JC Penney catalog at my grandma’s house in 1997. And I think she circled them with a highlighter.

A photo of Beyonce

But what do you think?

Is This the Body of a Woman Who Gave Birth 3 Months Ago?

photo of beyonce pictures photos pics
No, I’m being serious: could this be the body of a woman who actually, really, did give birth three months ago? Because Beyonce … well, she kind of looks like someone who gave birth three months ago. No joke, this is kind of what I look like at this point in time, and I gave birth almost two months ago. Could it be true? Could Beyonce really have been pregnant? I mean, pregnant with an actual baby, that is?

These photos were taken in St. Bart’s this past weekend, where Beyonce and Jay-Z are holidaying, and it’s nice to see them so low-key, so non-blingy, and so … parent-y. It’s kind of refreshing, actually. It makes you think that really anything is possible, and even though you *think* you may know it all, you just might … well, you know. Not.

See, I came into this post with a lot of preconceived notions about what pregnant ladies are supposed to look like during gestation, whether or not their baby bumps should fold and collapse on national television, what real babies look like as opposed to plastic dolls, and how shapely – or non-shapely – pregnant ladies can sometimes be post-birth. But I can see here that anything is really possible when you’re talking about Beyonce Knowles-Carter, and it’s really, really nice to see that there can be an element of surprise just around the corner when you least expect it.

Report: Beyonce’s Probably Carrying Around a Fake Baby

photo of beyonce pictures baby photos pics
From MediaTakeout:

MediaTakeOut.com was first tipped off by DOZENS of readers who claimed that Bey’s new 2 month old baby looked STRANGE in recent pics . . . and they suspected that Bey might be carrying around a DOLL – instead of a 2 month old baby.

Well MedaTakeOut.com did an investigation – and our findings were STARTLING!!! We looked at photos of Blue taken about a WEEK AND A HALF in New York – and compared them with images taken two days ago. In the photos, Baby Blue grew in height about 11%. To put that in perspective, if Blue was the AVERAGE HEIGHT two weeks ago (according to the WTO growth charts) she would have been 22 inches tall. In less than 2 WEEKS, Blue would have grown at LEAST 2.5 inches – making her the size of the average FOUR MONTH OLD. A growth rate like that is almost UNHEARD OF!!!

Do I believe this? Ha! Absolutely. Beyonce undoubtedly had a fake pregnancy, so what goes better with a fake pregnancy than a fake baby? Nothing. The answer is ‘nothing’, because it’d be completely preposterous to think that Beyonce actually birthed a doll, now, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would. And speaking of dolls, let’s revisit the too-early-released photo of Beyonce’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, shall we?:

photo of blue ivy carter pictures photos
See? That child could totally be a doll.

Now, the second part of this whole thing would be to consider why Beyonce would be carrying around a fake kid. Here are a few ideas: 1) Beyonce’s afraid the kid’s going to get mobbed, and she’s carrying around a fake while the real BI is chilling at home, 2) Beyonce is actually the decoy, and the kid that the fake-Beyonce is carrying is the real Blue Ivy Carter, or 3) Beyonce’s lost her damned mind and is operating under delusions of grandeur. Jay-Z, of course, is too gentlemanly to actually out her on her insanity, so he plays into the whole thing by writing rap songs for a child that doesn’t exist while he pretends that he doesn’t think women are bitches and hos (that last part’s almost pretty convincing).

Honestly, I like any one of those options, really.

Image of Beyonce from recent doctor’s visit courtesy of Bossip