Hey, did you guys read Beyonce and Jay-Z’s official birth announcement about baby Blue Ivy Carter? No? Well here it is:
“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.”
So, wait a damned second now. Where does the business of having an abdomen cut open come into play? Because originally, didn’t baby Blue allegedly enter the world through a manufactured opening somewhere in Beyonce’s midsection, and not through the Tunnel of Love? So, OK. Wait a damned second. She allegedly didn’t want to ruin her body by being pregnant with the baby, but it’s totally alright to stretch her vagina to hell and back to accommodate an allegedly-fake baby? Heavens.
I don’t know about all of you, but I’m tired, friends. I’m tired of speculating about whether or not Beyonce had an engorged lump of human underneath her dresses in all of those pictures or whether it was some kind of cheap pool toy, and I’m just flat-out exhausted when I start to consider the many options that may have been chosen if Beyonce didn’t actually carry her own child (I mean, did she adopt through an agency? Adopt through another pregnant lady? Adopt via Bey ‘n Jay zygote implantation into a host mother?). Honestly, after this huge emotional blow, I’m really just ready to give up.
Me, I say we all give it a good few years, allow this whole situation to breathe and evolve, and then actually see what this kid ends up looking like. Because truly, guys, I just don’t have the dedication to good old Beyonce here to continue wondering what the big deal is behind every single thing she does with this child and to analyze every cryptic statement that’s been made to date. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of mystery, folks.
January 10, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
That little video up there is the newest song from Jay-Z. It was released today, it’s called “Glory,” and it’s all about little Blue Ivy. It even samples the baby crying after delivery. It’s actually kind of sweet! Well, except the line “you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child,” that’s absolutely embarrassing, but hey! I imagine Jay wrote in a pinch, right?
But wait, what about this little line?
“Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you’d disappear
But nah baby you magic.”
That’s a bit heartbreaking, and it makes me think so much more of Jay and Beyonce that they didn’t, I don’t know, make a video with images of the deceased baby and post it online. But there’s this tiny part of me, this little awful cynic, that’s like “wait, for real?” Because it’s going to be super hard for me to believe anything this couple says from here on out, and I’m sorry if that makes me insensitive, but come on now.
A Brooklyn man claims increased security at Lenox Hill hospital — because of the presence of Beyonce and Jay-Z — kept him from seeing his prematurely born twins … this according to a report.
Neil Coulon tells the NY Daily News he has been repeatedly kept out of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) by the couple’s security. He also claims his relatives were booted out of the waiting room by bodyguards wearing headsets.
He tells the paper, “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway.”
Oh, silly man, how did you not know that Beyonce’s baby is more important than your own? You should have thought things through a little more when you and your partner decided to have babies. This is on you, Neil Coulon. This is all on you.
Meanwhile, a group of new mothers are threatening to sue the hospital for similar reasons:
Sources at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC tell TMZ … the mothers have been gathering at a breastfeeding class at the hospital … and in between latching techniques, they’ve been griping about the way they’ve been treated during the celebrity lockdown.
We’re told the mothers feel they’ve been “neglected” by hospital staff … and now they’re discussing the possibility of filing a lawsuit against LHH.
According to NYDailyNews.com, Bey and Jay-Z dropped $1.3 mil to seal off a private wing of the hospital … with private security roaming all over the place.
Our sources say several mothers have been seen arguing with Bey’s security people … accusing the hired muscle of being “extremely rude.”
Still, we’re told the mothers are not mad at Bey and Jay — directing the blame solely at the people who run the hospital.
One source tells us, “Someone at the hospital should be protecting us patients.”
Does anyone else think that sounds like the plot of a really awesome movie?
One more thing: Beyonce and Jay-Z just released a statement about the birth:
“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support. Beyoncé & Jay-Z.”
So she was born naturally now? Can someone please keep their story straight?
January 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Beyonce’s baby is barely two days old and already causing problems — a Boston-area event planning company has been FLOODED with calls because its name is also Blue Ivy!
Veronica Alexandra, owner of Blue Ivy, tells TMZ she’s been getting phone calls, texts and Facebook posts from friends ever since the baby’s name was announced. She jokingly feels Beyonce must have known about her company, because before this weekend … her site came up first when someone Googled “Blue Ivy.”
Alexandra says she’d LOVE to plan all of Blue Ivy’s milestone celebrations and thinks B.I. should even be the face of the company. She tells us, “Clearly great minds think alike, and who better than our Blue Ivy to plan events for B&J’s Blue Ivy!?”
OK, this might be one of THE dumbest things I’ve ever heard. Not that Beyonce named her baby “Blue Ivy” (though I did like Ivy Blue much, much more), and not that there’s a same-name company in Boston, but that people are actually “flooding” Blue Ivy’s telephone lines with calls. I mean, about what? “Did you heeear? Beyonce named her baby after your company!” or “OMG is BEYONCE THERE?” “Can you tell me what room number JAY-Z is in?” “Where can I send the newborn some FLOWERS AND BLING?”
For real, what the hell could these calls have been about? And is it me, or do people seem to have WAY too much time on their hands these days that they can justify siting about, Googling Beyonce’s daughter’s name so they can call the first affiliated telephone number they can find? What’s wrong with these people? This might be one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long time.
Enlighten me, friends. If, for some reason, you thought it prudent to contact the Blue Ivy catering business because of Beyonce and her new child, what would you say? Bring the originality, folks.
January 9, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
Since the wee hours of this morning when I brought you the miraculous news that the child of Beyonce is finally among us, a lot has happened. Actually, not much has happened, but we know quite a bit more about things. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.
First of all, remember when I couldn’t say for sure if the little girl’s name is Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy? I’m now pretty certain that the baby’s name is Blue Ivy Carter. My certainty comes from a tweet by Gwyneth Paltrow:
Welcome to the world Blue! We love you already.
But why Blue Ivy, you might be wondering? Why name a baby Blue (LOL)? Well, somebody’s already broken that down for us as well:
The number “4″ and color “blue” play an important role in the baby’s name. Let’s start with “4,” the lucky number for Beyonce (at least the singer likes to think that). She even named her fourth studio album “4.” Also, “Iv” in the name denotes the roman numeral “4.” Sounds interesting? Well there’s more.
“We all have special numbers in our lives, and 4 is that for me. It’s the day I was born. My mother’s birthday, and a lot of my friends’ birthdays, are on the fourth; April 4 is my wedding date,” she told Billboard. In addition, it’s also husband Jay-Z’s birthdate (Dec. 4).
Now let’s come to “Blue.” It is hip-hop hubby Jay-Z’s favorite color. He called his sixth studio album “Blueprint.” Thus, the baby girl gets the touch of the favorites of her mom and dad.
That’s sweet, I reckon. Sweet enough to make up for naming your child Blue? At this point, who knows?
But what about the birth itself? We don’t really know all the much, because Beyonce got that hospital locked down in preparation for the delivery. Bey did not want anyone to catch a glimpse of her surrogate, and they made damn sure that no one did:
A very pregnant Beyoncé had checked into the upper East Side hospital on Friday night under the name “Ingrid Jackson,” a hospital staffer told the Daily News.
Beyoncé and her hip-hop hubby, whose real name is Shawn Carter, rented out the hospital’s entire fourth floor for $1.3 million, the employee said.
On Saturday night, people were seen bringing bags of takeout and a dozen bottles of red wine onto the heavily guarded hospital wing.
After 11 p.m., even doctors and nurses were barred from entering the fourth floor, prompting one doc to complain that he had patients to see.
In an effort to keep images from leaking to the public, hospital workers placed tape over security cameras and are forcing employees to turn in cell phones when they arrive for their shifts, a source said.
Ok, I know that these are really private people, and with such a high profile pregnancy, it would be understandable to be worried about paparazzi or people creeping to get a picture of your baby. But this sounds a bit excessive, doesn’t it? Renting out an entire floor of a hospital so you can completely ensure your privacy? Don’t hospitals typically use all their floors for, like, patients and stuff? And wouldn’t covering up security cameras be a little dangerous? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Take some time to mull all this over, then, if you can, get back to me. I think we can come up with some good stuff together, guys, I really do.
January 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm by Emily
And goodness, what a ride it’s been, huh? From the adorable announcement that Beyonce was with child to all the doubts that Beyonce was with child, you can’t say that this pregnancy hasn’t been interesting. But now it’s all coming to an end, because yesterday, the child was born.
You guys, it’s a girl!
Ivy Blue Carter came into this world by c-section on Saturday, and this girl’s already getting shout-outs. Check out this tweet from Rihanna:
Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih
So what I’m saying is, it’s looking pretty official. And, oh my goodness, there is just so much to discuss, isn’t there? Like up in that first paragraph when I said “it’s all coming to an end,” you should have been like “girl, please,” because shit is going to get real.
First of all, let’s talk about the c-section factor. See, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I’ve seen a good few c-section scars. Those things are noticeable. And not in a bad way, I’m not trying to shame you if you have one – my mom has one, it was my gateway into this world – but what I’m saying is that when you see a scar from a c-section, you know where it’s from. There ain’t no two ways about it. And I’m sure that Beyonce has the financial means and the clout to get awesome plastic surgeons, but according to my mom and this really strange girl I went to high school with who apparently thinks it’s ok to lift up your shirt and pull your pants down a little in a bar to overshare with a girl you were never that close to in the first place, that scar’s not going anywhere. Is there any truth to that? Because I don’t think Beyonce can go the rest of her life without showing her midsection in public, so I’m wondering if it’s safe to say that if we don’t see any hint of a scar, we can confirm that this pregnancy was bullshit.
Next, let’s move right along to some more speculation. How long do you think it will be until we see any pictures? Are we all going to be talking about how incredible it was that Beyonce lost all that baby weight so fast? ARE WE EVER GOING TO KNOW THE TRUTH?
Finally, of course we have to talk about the name: Ivy Blue Carter. Or, well, it might actually be Blue Ivy Carter: TMZ and E! are reporting two different things, but either way, do you like it? Personally, I think they should have gone with Tiana May and called it a day. Ivy Blue reminds me of either some jazz club or a young adult novel or a young adult novel about a jazz club, I’m not entirely sure which. Really, it could have been a whole lot worse.
And so now you’re all up to date on the state of Beyonce’s womb! You’re welcome, and have a wonderful day!
January 8, 2012 at 1:30 am by Emily
Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.
But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”
Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.
But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.
According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”
But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.