Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Beyonce

Is This the Body of a Woman Who Gave Birth 3 Months Ago?

photo of beyonce pictures photos pics
No, I’m being serious: could this be the body of a woman who actually, really, did give birth three months ago? Because Beyonce … well, she kind of looks like someone who gave birth three months ago. No joke, this is kind of what I look like at this point in time, and I gave birth almost two months ago. Could it be true? Could Beyonce really have been pregnant? I mean, pregnant with an actual baby, that is?

These photos were taken in St. Bart’s this past weekend, where Beyonce and Jay-Z are holidaying, and it’s nice to see them so low-key, so non-blingy, and so … parent-y. It’s kind of refreshing, actually. It makes you think that really anything is possible, and even though you *think* you may know it all, you just might … well, you know. Not.

See, I came into this post with a lot of preconceived notions about what pregnant ladies are supposed to look like during gestation, whether or not their baby bumps should fold and collapse on national television, what real babies look like as opposed to plastic dolls, and how shapely – or non-shapely – pregnant ladies can sometimes be post-birth. But I can see here that anything is really possible when you’re talking about Beyonce Knowles-Carter, and it’s really, really nice to see that there can be an element of surprise just around the corner when you least expect it.

Report: Beyonce’s Probably Carrying Around a Fake Baby

photo of beyonce pictures baby photos pics
From MediaTakeout:

MediaTakeOut.com was first tipped off by DOZENS of readers who claimed that Bey’s new 2 month old baby looked STRANGE in recent pics . . . and they suspected that Bey might be carrying around a DOLL – instead of a 2 month old baby.

Well MedaTakeOut.com did an investigation – and our findings were STARTLING!!! We looked at photos of Blue taken about a WEEK AND A HALF in New York – and compared them with images taken two days ago. In the photos, Baby Blue grew in height about 11%. To put that in perspective, if Blue was the AVERAGE HEIGHT two weeks ago (according to the WTO growth charts) she would have been 22 inches tall. In less than 2 WEEKS, Blue would have grown at LEAST 2.5 inches – making her the size of the average FOUR MONTH OLD. A growth rate like that is almost UNHEARD OF!!!

Do I believe this? Ha! Absolutely. Beyonce undoubtedly had a fake pregnancy, so what goes better with a fake pregnancy than a fake baby? Nothing. The answer is ‘nothing’, because it’d be completely preposterous to think that Beyonce actually birthed a doll, now, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would. And speaking of dolls, let’s revisit the too-early-released photo of Beyonce’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, shall we?:

photo of blue ivy carter pictures photos
See? That child could totally be a doll.

Now, the second part of this whole thing would be to consider why Beyonce would be carrying around a fake kid. Here are a few ideas: 1) Beyonce’s afraid the kid’s going to get mobbed, and she’s carrying around a fake while the real BI is chilling at home, 2) Beyonce is actually the decoy, and the kid that the fake-Beyonce is carrying is the real Blue Ivy Carter, or 3) Beyonce’s lost her damned mind and is operating under delusions of grandeur. Jay-Z, of course, is too gentlemanly to actually out her on her insanity, so he plays into the whole thing by writing rap songs for a child that doesn’t exist while he pretends that he doesn’t think women are bitches and hos (that last part’s almost pretty convincing).

Honestly, I like any one of those options, really.

Image of Beyonce from recent doctor’s visit courtesy of Bossip

Love It or Leave It: Beyonce Does Something Good for a Change

photo of beyonce fashion pregnancy post pictures photos
Can you believe it! I want to put all of our Beyonce birth speculation away for one moment, and try to get past the general distaste we feel due to being lied to for so long, because this outfit? It’s just this: pretty cute. It’s colorful and springy and feminine, while looking take-charge and get-business-done. I love it. If I could replicate it, I would. But then again, if I could replicate it, that means I’d probably be able to drop a grand on a skirt and not have the conscience that there are much wiser ways to spend my money. And in spending news, Beyonce’s commissioning Christian Louboutin to make shoes for her growing baby girl (which’ll probably cost a fortune and only get two or three wears):

[Beyonce] has reportedly asked Christian Louboutin to design a matching pair of shoes for herself and Blue.

Beyonce and Blue Ivy were recently pictured wearing Marc Jacob cat slippers while out for a little stroll in New York, and combined the combined price tag for their Charlotte Olympia cat flats was around $700 but a pair of red-bottoms could be in the thousands.

Let’s talk about this for a second, alright? I think the most expensive pair of shoes I’ve ever bought was probably in the $150 range, and I suffered bouts of grief and guilt and paranoia for almost three months after the purchase. Granted, I didn’t return them; I actually wore them ’til the soles began to wear out, and it was the only expensive pair of shoes I bought for a three-year period, so I really *only* ended up spending $50 on them (or at least, that’s what I told myself to help alleviate the stomach ulcers that started to grow). This is plainly how I justified it to myself. But paying “thousands” for shoes? Yeah, I know that you spend proportionately to what you earn, and those who make ten times more than I do are apt to spend ten times more than I do, but come on. Beyonce wasn’t born rich, so to be dropping this kind of money on something so temporary and so … OK, I’ll say it – WASTEFUL – when there are people out there who can’t put a decent meal on the table really kind of boggles the mind.

I’m going to get off my soapbox now, and I’m probably going to whip out those shoes that I bought so long ago (YEAH I still have them) and wear them as punishment for the next three days while I think of ways to make it right in the world for spending so frivolously all those years ago. Maybe I’ll go offer to scrub the latrines pro bono at my local Walmart or something.

Is The World Ready for Gwyneth Paltrow to Sing And Dance Again?

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:

Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.

From Deadline:

In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.

Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.

Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.

I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.

Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Blue Ivy Carter Is Destined for Greatness

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Is there anything that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t do? Really, I’m not trying to be a smart ass here or anything, I’m just wondering if anyone knows of one thing that Gwyneth Paltrow cannot do, because I’m having a hard time. She can sing and dance, she can save your relationship, and she can pull off a formal cape. Oh, and she can also predict the future, because she’s already claiming to know all that lies ahead for Beyonce‘s little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.

From Us Weekly:

She’s only seven-weeks-old, but BlueIvyCarter is destined to become a star like her parents BeyonceKnowles and Jay-Z.

“She is going to be an entertainer,” Gwyneth Paltrow, 39, explained to Hollywood Life at the Governor’s Ball Sunday. “She just has this glow around her like her mother.”

Paltrow has been close pals with the hip-hop power couple for more than a decade. “Beyonce is doing great,” Paltrow said of the first-time mom, who welcomed Blue Ivy in New York City on January 7. “She’s just a natural at being a mom.”

As for Blue Ivy? “She’s stunning,” Paltrow gushed. “She has the most beautiful eyes.”

I don’t know, you guys, I kind of have some doubts with this one, mostly because every time I’ve hung out with a person who happened to be seven weeks old, my thoughts were more along the lines of “why are you making that weird face, is it because you’re pooping?” and “man, remember when you had that umbilical cord thing or whatever hanging off your tummy? Weird.” I don’t think I’ve ever predicted a child’s future career before, say, a few months.

Oh, and speaking of Blue Ivy Carter, that seven-week-old shining star, Beyonce and Jay-Z have finally stepped out into public with her:

A photo of Beyonce and Jay-Z

See? Isn’t that definitely a cute little bitty baby and not at all a wad of clothes jammed under a blanket? PRECIOUS!

This is Also What a Woman Who Had a Baby Last Month Looks Like

photo of beyonce and jay z at a basketball game pictures photos pics after pregnancy photos
I know, I know; we need to stop riding the Beyonce Baby Train someday, but guys, today is just not the day, OK?

I happened across some photos that were taken just last night, at the New Jersey Nets basketball game, where Jay and B were photographed in attendance looking … well, looking like they don’t have a newborn at home and like Beyonce never even heard of a little something called “Braxton-Hicks.” (Ask her – trick question. Bet she gets it wrong.)

I mean, I’m glad you’re still rocking the blue nail polish and what not, girl, but I’m sorry. No amount of nail polish is going to convince me that you didn’t just formally adopt your sister’s surrogate or whatever it was you did.

But wait! – before we go full-snark here (I know; I laughed mirthlessly at that, too), the Daily Mail has An Explanation as to Why Beyonce’s So Fit Already:

She [Beyonce] was said to have gained 40lbs when pregnant with her daughter Blue Ivy, but appears to have shed any excess weight in record time.

Beyonce reportedly moved her personal trainer, Marco Borges, into her home following the birth and has been rising at 5am for a cardio session while doing high intensity training on the treadmill later in the day followed by a total body circuit including lunges and squats.

So, DUH. Beyonce’s post-baby weight loss is totally and completely legit, and it has absolutely nothing at all to do with stopping anabolic steroids before the facial hair really started to get thick. I mean, come on. How could you even think otherwise?

Look, It’s Blue Ivy Carter!

A photo of Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter

Yesterday evening, Beyonce and Jay-Z did a really surprising thing: they posted pictures of their little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy, on Jay-Z’s site. I say it’s surprising because wouldn’t it make sense that a baby who gets diamond earrings and platinum bracelets would get a glamorous photo shoot in Vogue or something? It caught me a little off guard that the pictures were just posted online. What’s way more surprising though is that we’re seeing little Blue at all. For a couple as private as Beyonce and Jay-Z, and for all the rumors of surrogacy that have been going around, you’d think that it would be a good long while before we’d see any pictures at all. Not so much, I guess.

But hey, is this baby gorgeous or what? I mean, I’m one of those people who think babies are precious and adorable always, but this baby is just beautiful. I’m pretty sure it’s the hair. But her little hands and her little nose and her little baby lips! Babies, you guys! Can you even stand it?!

There’s already a lot of talk surrounding these photos: some people say the baby looks like Jay-Z and not Beyonce at all, some people say the baby doesn’t look like either of them, some people say that the baby doesn’t look to be the right age. Some people are saying that some of the pictures look Photoshopped, and some people are saying that Beyonce’s perfect hair post-delivery is a little suspect. Basically, people are saying a lot of things.

What do you guys think about the pictures? Where do you stand on the surrogacy situation, or do you even care anymore now that you’ve seen this beautiful baby? Oh, and speaking of caring, Mariah Carey didn’t want to be outdone by these long-awaited baby pictures, so she went ahead and posted a really good one of Dem Babies a couple minutes after we were introduced to Blue Ivy:

A photo of Monroe and Moroccan Cannon

BABIES!