Today's Evil Beet Gossip

This Week’s ‘Jersey Shore’: Snooki and Jionni, on the Skids

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore, sans Deena

The last few episodes of Jersey Shore have been totally indefensible; the whole show has turned miserable. At this point, it’s like I’m dragging out a dysfunctional relationship because I made a commitment three and a half seasons ago.

All I remember of last week’s episode was that I came away from it feeling doleful and drained. Oh, that’s right: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi embarrassed boyfriend Jionni in public—she hiked her dress up in a club and kind of, I don’t know, danced at him—and he ditched her. How long did Jionni spend with Snooki in all? Six hours? That’s just six episodes of Jersey Shore PLUS COMMERCIALS. I feel like I’ve tolerated Snooki for way longer stretches.

As the curtain rises, Snooki is still bereaved. When she christens the day “the worst day of [her] life,” I for one believe her. Meanwhile, at work, Deena has been condemned to clean the toilets. (“These nails? These hands? They don’t clean toilets,” Deena narrates as her onscreen avatar attempts to mop a toilet from the other side of the room.)

Jenni “JWoww” Farley continues her reign as World’s Most Patient Pal. In last week’s episode, she scoured the streets of Florence for hours, searching for Snooki’s missing boyfriend until her feet bled. Now, the day after, Jenni negotiates a meeting between the feuding lovers, who hug and smooch just before a still-seething Jionni rolls his luggage onto a train to Rome. Yep, he leaves Florence after all! Snooki is distraught.

Next, Vinny and Pauly D build a tower of furniture atop Deena’s bed. Deena struggles to lift a loveseat by herself, topples with it, and ends up pinned beneath it, flailing helplessly. When Pauly D announces that “this is the best day of [his] life,” I for one believe him. (Déjà vu.)

At the nightclub, a terrified Deena confesses to Jenni that she has missed her period and now fears the worst. Exasperated, Jenni grabs the girl by the arm and walks her to a 24-hour pharmacy. (“This is so stupid! I am embarrassing my family!” Deena wails, as if only suddenly aware that a team of cameras has been stalking her. “Compose yourself!” Jenni advises.)

The girls return to the villa with a home pregnancy test. “Where’d you guys go?” a bewildered Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino asks. “To get a ba—” one girl says. “To get food!” the other girl says. “What?” Mike says, further baffled.

And SPOILERS! Deena isn’t pregnant! “Thank God!” she breathes. You’re telling me, sister.

Snooki and Jionni get into it again on the phone. The conversation turns a little nasty. Both kids are still hurt, and both want to be right. “I don’t deserve this. OK? I don’t,” Snooki tells him.

“OK, and I ‘deserve’ to fly across the f—king country and have my girlfriend humiliate me?” Jionni retorts. (He also calls her a pig. Bad move, mister.) Jionni says he wants to hash the whole thing out over the phone, but Snooki has had it.

“I’m not going to call you for a few days,” she tells him. “I need a break from you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Excuse me?” Jionni says, genuinely taken aback. “That’s your decision?” Snooki hangs up on him.

Our depressed munchkin suddenly realizes she’s homesick for New Jersey. “Pauly, you have your DJ equipment?” she asks him excitedly. “You can DJ here, we get alcohol, and we just pretend this is Karma right now.” Karma is the housemates’ favorite nightclub.

With that, the kids transform the living room into Karma. Actually, it still looks like their living room. “This is the best day of my life!” Pauly proclaims in earnest. Hmm.

This is when Mike abruptly turns creepy and handsy, with his laser-sights now conspicuously honed on semi-single Snooks. (Also, when did Jenni injure herself? Her hand is suddenly swaddled in an enormous bandage. That’s her cigarette hand, you guys!)

Now Mike is telling Snooki he truly, madly, deeply cares, and that he loves her, and also there was that one time—Mike reminds her, eyebrows waggling—that they hooked up. Snooki is furious. Then Mike tells Snooki that “everyone” was “telling him” to “fight Jionni.” (No, no, no. Shut up, Mike.)

What with all the Snooki/Jionni drama, Mike has been squirming all season, desperate to tell everyone all about his romantic encounter with Snooki. I can almost kind of understand why he wants to shout this information from the rooftops—Mike has transparently carried a torch for Snooki since Season 1, Episode 1—but it makes him no less sleazy.

Meanwhile—and this is sure to come as A) a major blow to Mike, and B) no surprise to anyone who’s watched the show—Snooki seeks solace in Vinny’s waiting arms. Of course, I’ve always liked Vinny and Snooki as a pair: Vinny is comparatively bookish, and he invariably, laughingly dismisses Snooki’s bad behavior as youthful hijinks. Vinny is the least aggressive of the Jersey boys, too, so I can see why his good-guy demeanor appeals to Snooks anytime the going gets rough.

Then they have sex! Credits roll.

The full episode: