Oh that crazy Deena Cortese. Always doing crazy, crazy things like drunkenly humping ceramic pigs and getting arrested, and drunkenly humping non-ceramic pigs (oh, no, my bad; the right word in this case would be ‘warthogs’), and generally being one fine, hot-ass mess in public. These photos are photos of her parents—her parents!—bailing her out of jail for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct or whatever the charge was. They all run together and there’re so many fine lines of demarcation that it doesn’t really matter anyway. It’s ‘Jersey Shore’, or, you know, ‘The Big Embarrassing Elephant in the Room When the Shore Generation is Old Enough to be in Nursing Homes’. The less specifics we have in this case, the better off everyone involved will be.
So, yeah. Deena Cortese and her parents, leaving the police station, where it looks like they might have kept her for the entire night. She’s wearing the same clothes she got arrested in, after all, and a hangover is apparently imminent, so that’s my guess.
The thing is, she’s kind of cute. I know, I know; I could seriously off myself for saying that, but I think it’s true. Normally I’d chalk something like this up to too much coffee and blurry lenses, but the thing is, I’ve actually said it before. Specifically, I said, “… Deena Nicole Cortese has potential … sort of.” And I meant it then, too. Save for the head part, Deena Cortese is a HOT-TAY.
And we’ll forgive her for ill publicity stemming from a drunk and disorderly this time. I guess it’s better than hearing all about her snap-on teeth, anyway. There’s still always that.
Deena Cortese continued the fine Jersey Shore tradition by getting herself arrested Sunday.
Police chief Tommy Boyd said that one of his officers arrested Deena Cortese after seeing her “a little intoxicated.” Patrolman Chris Linnel, allegedly spotted her in the middle of a street, slapping cars that were driving by.
“Nothing major, but we can’t put up with it,” Chief Boyd said.
Deena was taken in handcuffs to the Seaside Heights police station where she was served a summons and then released.
And for our more visual readers, here are a few pictures that explain how things went down:
Oh, booze. It’ll get you every time – just ask Snooki. About a year ago, my body suddenly decided that it wasn’t going to accept liquor anymore (which I learned the hard way after vomiting from half a glass of vodka and cranberry juice), and since then I haven’t drunk anything at all, besides that bottle of Boone’s Farm on New Year’s. But back in my glory days, I did find myself wasted a good few times. But even in my drunkest state, I never would have tried to hit a moving car with my hand. Where does that urge come from? Do you just have to be trashed enough to think it’s a good idea, or do people who do that sort of thing just always have it in them? Do normal people try to slap cars while intoxicated? If you couldn’t tell, this is really bothering me.
Oh, now. How hot is Deena looking, guys? Hot, right? Between the injections, the diet pills, and the chemical peels, I thought she had this “alluring” thing on lockdown, but with these fancy new teeth? Man. If hotness could be gauged and charted, well. Deena Nicole Cortese would be off the charts. Thing is, though, Deena claims that she hasn’t had any plastic surgery. Nope, she chalks her brand-new look up to eyebrow sculpting and eyeshadow. All about the eyes, folks. From Deena’s Twitter:
just to let ya know, I have not got any plastic surgery..yes in the past i have had a nose job..and i am not against plastic surgery at all..i have thought about getting it redone to round the tip but haven’t yet..and don’t know if I am..I am not afraid to ADMIT i got plastic surgery so if I do.. I’ll let u know.. I thinned my eyebrows..and lost weight thanks to the [shill diet].. and learned how to do my makeup..lighter eye shadow brings out my eyes..and highlight under my eyes gives an effect of higher cheek bones.. the end. If I get the nose job I’ll let ya know =]
Also, she claims that she got Lumineers, not to be confused with veneers, through which your teeth need to be shaved. Shaved. No, Lumineers are snap-on teeth, and what better, longer-lasting thing to have than actual teeth?
Oh! I’m sorry, did I say “maybe” worse off than before? Dammit. I meant “definitely” worse off than before. My bad!
Anyway. My God. Did you even look at these pictures? Not yet, because you’re reading the commentary? Normally I’d be OK with that, obviously, but this time you need to stop – right now, seriously … well, wait, no, not ’til I finish this thought – and look at the recent photos of Deena, because shit’s definitely hit the fan. Thought you knew.
But hey, thanks. Thanks for taking the time to double-check those for me. Those pictures. Those … I don’t know, sorry excuses for magic-f-cking-eye photos that befuddle me and make my eyes hurt. I’m hurting! I just don’t get this. It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore, and it’s all because of some cheap, Snooki-wannabe. You know, she nearly had me convinced that she was OK looking. She was almost – almost – cute before all of this! Like a chubby Gina Gershon with a (more) overbearing personality, and I love me some Gina Gershon. Really, the only reason I never hopped onto the Deena train is because I absolutely hate Jersey Shore and all that it stands for, though, if I were to choose a reality show to follow that didn’t involve ten dumb broads vying for the attentions of a man who can’t keep it in his pants for more than an episode at a time and all act like the world’s ended because they didn’t get some cheap-ass rose from Price Chopper, it’d be the Shore, but …
Anyway. I don’t know. There’s definitely some enhancements here, and I don’t want to hear “Makeup!” or “Weight loss!” or “She started taking Snooki’s pre-natal vitamins!” it’s something more, and that something is either wicked bad plastic surgery or injections. You mark my words.
You want to hear something funny, too? I was flipping through the channels late last night, lamenting the fact that, despite having over a thousand channels, there’s still nothing good on television. Not that I ever really even watch television – except for football and old Twilight Zone episodes – but it’s occasionally nice to find something to numb your mind in a bout of insomnia, when a book just isn’t cutting it because you’ve read so much of it so far that your ass is turning to stone. Anyway, I saw that Jersey Shore was on, and for a fleeting second, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I watch … Yeah. No.” And I watched an old episode of Frasier instead.
And good thing, too. Because these two sloppy, drunken wildebeests decided to make out. Together, in front of everyone. Mouths open and all. And then they capped the night off by sharing a bed. How cute?
Have any of you seen this? Because I haven’t. Apparently this commercial for those shady energy shots premiered a couple of weeks ago, but it still needs to be officially shared.
Have I mentioned lately how much I loveJersey Shore? I’ve been rewatching it from the beginning because I’m sick so pretty much all I’ve felt like doing for the past little bit is lay in bed, catch you guys up on the world around us, hang out with my little guinea pig, and watch the uncensored episodes of Jersey Shore. And trust me, I feel like a queen for it.