I didn’t cover Jersey Shore last week—at all! Not once, I don’t think!—and it made me so sad. Didn’t you miss the little scamps?
When I last recapped, Mike had apparently flatlined.
Then, a week ago, we discovered that Ronnie didn’t murder Mike after all. Instead, Mike gave himself a concussion, ha, ha, when he rammed his own head into a stone wall. For the rest of last week’s episode, Mike moped around in sunglasses and a neck brace, milking his minor injuries for more than they were worth. Snooki—who is still furious with Mike, incidentally—was, alas, the only sucker who bought into Mike’s one-man pity party. The entire episode, in a hilarious nutshell:
OK, you’re all caught up.
In this week’s episode: Seems like Ronnie genuinely terrified-slash-embarrassed himself with his own out-of-control temper, and now he’s trying really hard to be sensitive and wise. Last week I was unconvinced by this new leaf, but this week, I felt like he was maybe sincere. He keeps trying, especially, to make amends with Mike; after a therapeutic talk, Mike agrees to, uh, take off the neck brace. (Finally!)
Vinny and Pauly D have never been the Cast Idiots, no, but they’ve finally achieved some meta self-awareness, and now they’re acting like the chorus in a Greek tragedy. Y’know: mocking their fellow castmembers; staging parodies of events that have just transpired; serving as the audience’s lens, basically. It makes a certain sense—Pauly is the eldest of the cast, while Vinny is probably the brainiest.
For instance, their play-within-a-play:
Early in this week’s episode, Ronnie and his on-again-off-again sweetheart, Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, have embroiled themselves in yet another fight, duh, and Vinny finally confronts them. He says something like, “I think I speak for everyone. Your fights aren’t fun.” Um, exactly. Thank you, Vinny, for finally telling your housemates what every audience member wishes she could tell them. Alone with the camera, Sammi admits that it was “cool” of Vinny to confront her so maturely. Really, you guys! I barely recognize you!
Also, Snooki gets told off by a priest.
This episode is a real gem, so it’s hard to single out a best bit. Still, the Best Bit is this bit: Several embittered bar patrons are trying to pick a fight with the Jersey cast, and one girl pours her drink on Snooki. Snooki and Deena both rush into the crowded fray, and—blind with rage—attack each other. AMAZING.
But this episode isn’t all fun and games. It’s increasingly evident that Snook’s boyfriend Jionni is emotionally abusive, picking a fight at any opportunity. (Snooki excitedly tells him, sober, that she wants to “suck” his “butt”; Jionni becomes irate.) OK: would I date Snooki? No. No, no. But this guy actually belittles her every chance he can get. Snooki, meanwhile, promises to change, curls up into a ball, and sobs. Oh, Snooki.
But when the housemates stage an intervention, encouraging Snooki to ditch the dead weight, our munchkin becomes defensive, pledging to stand by her man. She loves him! He’s a good guy! He’s the best boyfriend ever! Stop judging her! Stay out of her affairs! Thus, this week’s episode of Jersey Shore—unique insofar as little-to-none of the pathos was manufactured—ends on a decidedly sour note.