Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Highlights from the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

Photo from Comedy Central's Roast of Charlie Sheen, starring Charlie Sheen

So I finally watched the Roast of Charlie Sheen yesterday—it aired Monday night, yes, but I was busy—and I have to admit this Roast was pretty good. Not Bob Saget good, but then again, what is?

There was a real likelihood of the evening falling flat. How do you parody a parody? How do you make light of wife-beating? And who invites Mike Tyson to do stand-up, even? But the jokes were scathing, and the Roast bit to the quick. I’ve rolled my eyes at Charlie Sheen‘s recent I-Don’t-Have-a-Job Humble Pie Remorse Tour, and I don’t like him, but he sure did take his lumps like a champ. (Some critics are saying the jokes weren’t mean enough, but seriously, how many more jokes about Sheen ruining his kids’ lives did we really need?)

Warming Glow has compiled a comprehensive guide to some of the best zings of the night. Here’s a sampling.

Comedian Anthony Jeselnik, to Charlie Sheen:

– “Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of SVU.”

– “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” (Cut to actor Richard Kind, in the audience, having a heart attack.)

Jeffrey Ross:

– “If you’re ‘winning’, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns. Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”

Jon Lovitz:

– “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!”

Amy Schumer:

– “You’re just like Bruce Willis: you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”

Steve-O of Jackass:

– “Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.”

Charlie, on Charlie:

– “You are all worthy adversaries. But you can’t kill me. Because I can’t kill me.”

The Roast’s guests also roasted one another, as per usual. Actress Kate Walsh, to William Shatner:

– “I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bullsh—t. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.”

Rips on Mike Tyson:

Seth MacFarlane: “He’s a guy who’s beaten every opponent he’s gone up against—except the letter ‘S.'”

– Jeffrey Ross: “Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”

According to a completely unscientific survey, the evening belonged to comedians Jeffrey Ross and Anthony Jeselnik. Seth MacFarlane was a wonderful roastmaster, and Shatner finished the evening strong. The real #winner, though, was Comedy Central itself: with 6.4 million viewers, it was the highest rated Roast yet.

Despite some uneasy jokes, the mood was positive, and there was also a recurring theme about redemption or whatever. Then, after the Roast was already over, Steve-O finally, successfully broke his own nose against Mike Tyson’s fist. There Steve-O stood, triumphant and stone-sober, even as his nose began to squirt blood.

Here’s William Shatner, dispensing some sage NSFW advice (“Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?”):

5 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Got this DVR’d, and as a guilty pleasure I have to watch every CC Roast.

    Agreed that the Bob Saget roast was one of the best. Norm MacDonald was just about brilliant on it.

    Shatner roast was good, too.

    • Oh, my God! Norm MacDonald! I was completely convinced last night that Lovitz was trying to reproduce MacDonald’s Saget success, but instead he fell flat. Can’t beat the real thing!

  • It was pretty funny for sure, but I missed Lisa Lamponelli. It was odd not to have here there, but it was still a great roast. The joke about Patrice O’Neal deep frying his hands before biting his nails was missed above, but super funny.

    • AH, YES. I contemplated transcribing every comedian’s joke about Patrice being diabetic, but I traveled the easy route and ignored him. So much work.

      But you’re right! That was the real winner! Patrice feigned adorable indignation all night long, but to the “deep-fried fingernails” joke, I distinctly remember him repeating “That’s a good joke!” a couple times, in genuine, mumbly admiration. (Later on, he high-fived someone. He was so game.)

      There was another great moment I missed out on talking about, and it was actually my favorite moment: Mike Tyson had been lampooned by comedians all night long, and MacFarlane even tossed in a couple please-don’t-kill-me’s. But when Patrice made his one and only joke about strained race relations (that’s Lampanelli’s job!), it was so perfect. You remember: he told Mike Tyson, “I don’t like how comfortable white people are around you now.” I shrieked aloud, “Right! Mike Tyson’s no clown! He’s a loaded gun!” (I was watching with my boyfriend.) And I liked that joke because it cut the line between a subtle truth and hahahaha MIKE TYSON you’re like a really violent person.

      Now that you mention it, I do miss Miss Lampanelli. She’s got all the happy-go-lucky racism of Chelsea Handler, and also the self-deprecation, and also the cattiness, and a little more charm, and all of the fat. <3

  • That Anthony guy was HORRIBLE! That Amy chick I’d never heard of was much better. Was Tyson on something? He is weird! Liked Lovitz, McFarlane, Shatner & Steve O too.