3Bruce Willis Makes Fun of the Kristen Stewart Cheating Scandal

But I’ll forewarn you—it’s not nearly as “funny” as when Will Ferrell did it. A month ago.

Points for creativity, though, in calling the film Twihard: With a Vengeance.

Watch it and tell me if you don’t think it’s forced, uncomfortable, and really obvious that Bruce is just trying *so hardsies* to be relevant.

August 31, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah

1Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in a Movie With Bruce Willis

And if that’s not enough of a mind-f-ck for you in itself, Bruce‘s character, because the two look so alike, right? No. Not right. What the hell is that all about? Take the poster, for example:

The movie is, according to IMDB, about “… a killer who works for the mob of the future recognizes one of his targets as his future self.” BAM! WAP! BIFF!! Cue the intrigue. … No, the intrigue. Did you cue it? Oh, you did?

Others in the film include Emily Blunt, Jeff Daniels, Piper Perabo, and some dude named Han Soto. How amazing is that? Han Soto. But I guess we’re not here to talk about Star Wars fan fiction, now, are we? No, some of you are here because you’re good friends of ours and you pop in on the regular to see what’s getting our goat, and some of you might have gotten here by searching for “Looper movie trailer” or “Joseph Gordon-Levitt” or “I’m obsessed with non-hipster hipsters and I’ll see whatever movie they happen to be in as long as it doesn’t get too much attention on them internets, MMMKAY” and for all of you, I’ll talk about this movie. And this is what I have to say about it: it’s probably going to be pretty popular, or will be popular because of the aforementioned JGL. Because the official trailer dropped on YouTube yesterday, and it’s already got a quarter-million views. Good god, y’all. It isn’t that intriguing. Back up off the intrigue for a minute, alright?

… OK, it looks a little good. Just a little.

April 13, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

7Aww, Bruce Willis Made Ashton Kutcher Cry!

Can’t you just see it now? Bruce Willis just railing into Ashton for all his indiscretions, getting just a little too in his face, landing a few of his Bruce Willis spit bubbles on his face because he can’t contain his anger? You can see it, right? So is it sadistic to giggle?

Let’s get into all the glorious details, from the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Bruce Willis demanded – and got – a face-to-face butt-kicking showdown that left Ashton Kutcher shaking like a leaf after the “Die Hard” star confronted the smarmy party boy/cheater about dissing Demi Moore via his closerthanthis sleazefest with bigmouth Sara Leal! “Ashton kept avoiding Bruce’s calls and texts, but finally agreed to meet his wife’s ex-husband at a private location,” said a close pal of the couple. “Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating – and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well. He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together fast! Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged forgiveness. [Ashton is] devastated because Demi’s consulted a divorce attorney [and] begged Bruce to step in and stop her from committing to a separation. He reportedly vowed to Bruce. “I will NEVER, EVER cheat again!” Said the source: “Bruce isn’t ready to shake hands with Ashton just yet, but he did speak with Demi and advised her that if she decides to try keeping her marriage intact, she should seek traditional marriage counseling – not just the Kabbalah counseling they’ve been doing.”

Ashton Kutcher. Shaking like a leaf. Breaking down in tears. Weeping uncontrollably. Begging forgiveness. The only way that mental image could get any better is if it ended with Bruce Willis flailing around like a douchebag and screaming “you just got PUNK’D!”

November 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily

3Demi Moore Dishes on Bruce Willis, Ashton Kutcher and Other Really Interesting Stuff

Demi Moore’s agent, Luke Janklow, confirmed earlier last night that the preternaturally preserved 47 year-old is penning her memoirs and isn’t going to leave any topics out. Moore is said to cover details of her marriage and divorce to Bruce Willis, career moves from General Hospital to major motion pictures and bumping uglies with Ashton Kutcher.

Moore is currently shopping publishers in New York City and anticipates that the book will be released sometime early next year.

In light of this fact, I’ve put together my very own Top Ten list of things that I fucking hope like hell will be included in Moore’s autobiography. Without further ado … The List:

10. Dishing on her hometown of Roswell, New Mexico. She’s the queen of non-aging. She must have learned some secrets from them-there aliens.

9. How she overcame the stigma of her crossed-eyes as a child. It was said that she had undergone two eye surgeries in order to correct the problem and damn … they did a good job.

8. Starring alongside Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men. She might actually be able to tell us what he was like during his heyday … you know, back when he wasn’t (as) crazy.

7. If the leeches she claims to use as an anti-aging regimen work and if they’ve ever bitten her on the ass.

6. If she boned Patrick Swayze during the filming of Ghost. With chemistry like that, just … damn.

5. How much she actually spent on the plastic surgery that she didn’t get and what she specifically had done.

4. Why the hell she produced the Austin Powers movies. That in itself is shadowed in a guise of troublesome ennui.

3. What the sex was like with John McClane Bruce Willis.

2. What the sex is like with Ashton Kutcher.

And the number one topic that I hope she addresses in her new book:

1. Did she really bang Nikki Sixx?

May 18, 2010 at 9:36 am by Sarah

10Bruce Willis is Launching a Perfume Career

What’s he going to call his debut fragrance, Yippie Ki-Yay Motherfucker? ‘Cause unless he did, I’d probably not be so interested in finding out what a manly-man like Bruce Willis thinks smells hot.

Sources confirm that Willis has signed a deal with a German perfume house, LR Health and Beauty Systems, and is eager to get his newest business endeavor up and running.

Whatever it is he’s hawking, it looks like it’ll be on the market for July 1st.

Good luck Bruce, but I’m sure you’ll be successful anyway. You’re the “one who negotiates million dollar deals for breakfast.” You got this.

April 15, 2010 at 7:36 am by Sarah

26Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Son is Dating Bruce Willis & Demi Moore’s Daughter

A source tells the NY Post that 16 year old Patrick Schwarzenegger has been dating 15 year old Tallulah Belle Willis since around Halloween. A rep for Bruce Willis denies it, but I’m going to take this ball and run with it (with both eyes closed) because that would be such an insane coupling. If she happens to get knocked up, the genetics of that baby would be “strong like Austrian ox”:  90% chin, 9% teeth, and 1% roundhouse kicks. It’ll probably punch  its way right out of her uterus. I hope they name it  after the last name of the mom’s family, like they always do on soap operas: I can’t wait to meet little Willis Moore Schwarzenegger-Shriver.

December 5, 2009 at 10:44 am by Kelly