You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.

Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:

I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.

I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.

I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.

Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:

I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.

I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.

From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:

Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.

Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.

Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”

There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.

Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.

Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.

Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.

Yesterday we did the Top 5 Douchebags of 2011, so I thought it only fair to give credit where credit is due (even if the aforementioned “credit” is only on temporary loan, like most credit is and then the person in slot #2 shoots back to complete grossness, and not just partial) and acknowledge those celebrities who have done some good for themselves, yes?

#5 – Evan Rachel Wood

Amazing what not sleeping next to Marilyn Manson can do for a girl, huh? She’s almost attractive these days, if you can forget that she posed naked and bloodied while eating cake. And participating in sodomy.

#4 – Mariah Carey

A lot of people thought that Mariah’s figure, at almost forty-two years old, was all but gone, and after having twins, most said that was the nail in the coffin. She sure showed them, mmhmm girl.

#3 – Jennifer Hudson

Unbelievable, right? Now if she can stop losing weight for five minutes, things might continue to be OK. Girlfriend doesn’t have another ounce to lose.

Jump in to see the top 2 transformations of 2011!

(more…)

Girl, it’s not Halloween – it’s Christmas. You know, the Christmas that you and another little shithead ruined for me. Anyway, why are you dressed up like a Jedi knight? Am I going to see you whip out a silver hand? Have you gone to the dark side? Are you channeling Yoda?

All I know is that, while, yes, you look completely amazing and I’m still having a hard time remembering that you birthed two kids at once and blew up like a zeppelin in the process, the weird samurai winter coat’s gotta go.

Images courtesy of Celebuzz

See, now, if I close my eyes for the first few seconds, it’s not so bad. But then I hear that awful, whiny “Baby” voice, and I’m brought back to the reality of what’s seriously going on. Also, does Mariah Carey just not dance anymore? Is her majesty above having to move on the set of a music video? She’s just content to pick up a tibia and toss it behind her every now and again, is that what this is?

Finally, the whole thing just sounds so damned auto-tuned. It’s not even real. It’s a bad dream, and I’m going to wake up any minute now.

… Any minute now, right? OK?

Did you ever want to hear the likes of Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Madonna, and Christina Aguilera dish about each other? Did you ever wonder if Celine Dion has a kickass Cher impression up her sleeve? Did you ever wonder if Britney Spears has had a longtime habit of referring to herself as “retarded”?

Then this video is for you, friends. Happy Saturday!

Is it any surprise that Mariah Carey designed this nursery? The glamour, the opulence: it really just screams Mariah, doesn’t it?

Here are all the details on Roc and Roe‘s fabulous nursery:

Now, Life & Style brings you inside Moroccan and Monroe’s (nicknamed Roc and Roe) luxurious NYC nursery filled with Roberto Cavalli designed matching outfits, plush stuffed animals and AFK cribs worth $3,594 a piece!

“I wanted to create a beautiful, tranquil, cozy environment,” Mariah tells Life & Style of their two beautiful nurseries in their Bel Air Mansion and Tribeca penthouse in NYC.

“Designing the nurseries with Gail Sedigh of AFK Furniture and Mario Buatta was so challenging because I had such specific ideas I wanted implemented,” she tells Life & Style. “I feel like I’m bringing two individuals into the world, so I wanted to do more than cookie-cutter styles in blue and pink.”

So the singer made sure to encompass everything she desired.

But no gift is greater than being a mom. “I feel so doubly blessed to have such a perfect start to our family,” Mariah gushed. “It’s perfect — it couldn’t be better.”

Personally, I’m torn between being all “Way to spend like a zillion dollars on stuff these babies will only use for a year or two” and being all “OMG where are my giant stuffed animals?! Why am I not Mariah Carey’s kid? Why is the world so unfair? YOU FAILED ME, MOM!” Where are you guys on this?