Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin isn’t dead, don’t worry

macaulay culkin

Apparently Macaulay Culkin was the victim of another silly celebrity death hoax online this weekend, but don’t worry – he’s very much alive and is apparently on tour with his pizza-themed cover band. He’s not upset about your silly jokes, though. In fact, he’s taking it all in good stride, by pretending he’s in Weekend at Bernie’s.

weekend at bernie's

LOL. Well, it’s good that Macaulay is still alive… but why on earth is the celebrity death hoax a thing. Like, what’s the point? People are going to found out that the celebrity isn’t actually dead, and it serves zero purpose. People have too much time on their hands, I think…

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Let’s Watch Macaulay Culkin Perform a Pizza-Themed Velvet Underground Cover

macaulay culkin

Everyone thought (hoped?) it was a joke when it was revealed that Macaulay Culkin, former child star, heroin addict and lover of Mila Kunis, is now in a pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band called Pizza Underground. This is great news and also a great idea, because pizza is delicious – just ask Kevin McCallister:

pizza

Luckily, Noisey (owned by those Vice folks) managed to get Naked Pizza to perform for them – and it’s super weird. There’s floating pizza, weird camera effects to lend a ’60s era vibe, Macaulay playing a kazoo with a piece of pizza strapped to his face… the list goes on. I’m not quite sure what’s going on here, and I don’t know that I really need to know. This must be what acid feels like.

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Macaulay Culkin’s Band Is Kind Of Amazing

pizza-underground

 

Macaulay Culkin has a band, and if there’s an award for most hipster band with a sense of humor, this wins it. The band is called The Pizza Underground, and it’s a sort of tribute band for Lou Reed‘s The Velvet Underground (RIP, Lou Reed. Hope you would have enjoyed this). Tracks include:

  • “I’m Waiting for Delivery Man” (spoofing “I’m Waiting For The Man”).
  • “All The Pizza Parties” (“All Tomorrow’s Parties”).
  • “Cheese Days” (“These Days”).
  • “Papa John Says” (“Stephanie Says”).
  • “Take a Bite of the Wild Slice” (spoofing Reed’s solo hit, “Take A Walk On The Wild Side”).

Culkin joins musicians Matt Colbourn, Phoebe Kreutz, Deenah Vollmer and Austin Kilham. Culkin does percussion/kazoo/vocals and has a kazoo solo on “Take A Bite of the Wild Slice.” Give their band a listen:

All I know is that now I really want pizza.

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Macaulay Culkin Has A New Girlfriend

Macaulay Culkin is well over Mila Kunis. Dude’s got a brand new brunette girlfriend/lady love all set to replace her, and they were kissing in Paris, while some dude looking on, with a mixture of compassion and concern (above).

You may remember that he and Kunis used to date for quite some time. They broke up, he was devastated and tried to get her back, then moved in with Pete Doherty and gave into a raging cigarette addiction. Let’s hope for his sake that this chick isn’t some sad hanger-on with a blog and a goal to bang someone vaguely famous.

I honestly really want the best for this guy.

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Russell Brand Tried to Get With Mila Kunis, Lost To Macaulay Culkin

russell brand mila kunis

Oh, Russell Brand. He’s a generally decent guy with a rampant sex addiction and a strange sense of humour, and you’d got to admire his forthright-ness about some of the shit he’s done in the past. His latest “revelation” is that he tried getting with Mila Kunis back in the day, only to get knocked back when she told him she was dating Macaulay Culkin. Oh, snap!

From The Mirror:

He was married to one ofthe world’s hottest women and previously bragged about having sex with more than a dozen birds in one night.

But Russell Brand still regrets missing out on adding another notch to his severely splintered bed post.

The edgy comedian was filming with Mila Kunis when he tried to charm the gorgeous actress only to discover she was already dating someone.

And the serial shagger – who debuted his new stand-up Messiah Complex world tour in London last night – was stunned when he found out the Hollywood stunner was seeing “the lad from Home Alone”.

He gushed about Mila: “She’s so gorgeous, just so gorgeous and I was chatting her up and got the conversation around to have you got a boyfriend, and then you know that feeling of how long do I have to entertain a conversation?

“Then I go away and she keeps talking about her boyfriend Mac, this is when I was on Sarah Marshall. Eventually she said he’s coming tomorrow and there was some sort of fanfare, she was so excited.

“Then when he came it wasn’t Mac – it was Macaulay Culkin. He’d got longer and looked pale and scared of himself, like a shaved horse.

“There was a horror about him and I thought, ‘you can’t f**k him – that’s the lad from Home Alone’.”

LOL to that. Just goes to show you, Russell, looks aren’t everything! Not that he’s the world’s handsomest guy or anything, but I’d venture to say he has slightly more sex appeal than Kevin McAllister. Also, good for Mila for not being pulled in by him. That would have been a DISASTER.

Macaulay Culkin Moved In With Pete Doherty And Is Smoking 60 Cigarettes Per Day

macaulay culkin 2012

Macaulay Culkin has been going through some rough times. He hasn’t been quite the same since he split from ex girlfriend Mila Kunis. And there was the whole, “Dude looks like he’s on heroin” thing.

Now apparently he is very badly addicted to cigarettes and is smoking up to 60 per day. From The National Enquirer:

The troubled 32-year-old actor is smoking an astonishing 60 ciga­rettes a day and putting his life at risk of deadly lung cancer!

“Mac has swapped out one deadly habit for another,” declared a con­cerned pal. “It’s a nightmare!”

Last August, The ENQUIRER re­vealed that the former child star was a heroin addict who also abused painkillers. Now, he’s said to be off heroin and trying to clean up his act, but he’s tragically relying on an­other life-threatening crutch.

“He’s put his nicotine addiction into overdrive,” revealed another friend. “Almost every time I see him, he has a cigarette dangling from his lips and is puffing furiously.”

His brand of choice is Marlboro.

I don’t smoke cigarettes, so to me, 60 a day sounds like a lot. Like an insane amount. But is this somewhat reasonable for someone addicted to smoking? I Googled and found that Marlboro cigarettes come in 20 or 25 per pack. So I guess, if this is true, he’s smoking around 3 packs a day. Is that…normal? I honestly have no idea.

But let’s get really weird. Apparently, Pete Doherty and Macaulay Culkin are now roommates. Um, what? So does that mean they’re living in London or NYC or F-cking Crazy Pants Nation? According to Now Magazine, it’s Paris.

Yeah, this seems like a great idea. I can picture it:

-MONDAY MORNING-
Macaulay Culkin: Pete, did you buy food?
Pete Doherty: No.
Macaulay Culkin: Okay. I’ll get groceries tomorrow.
-1 WEEK LATER-
“MACAULAY CULKIN AND PETE DOHERTY FOUND DEAD OF STARVATION.”

Macaulay Culkin Tried To Hookup With Ex Mila Kunis; Did Not Go As Planned

macaulay culkin 2013

Macaulay Culkin slithers in and out of the spotlight, mostly for not being dead and for looking either really ill or surprisingly hot. Now he’s being talked about for (allegedly) trying to hookup with his ex, Mila Kunis, despite the fact that she’s dating Ashton Kutcher. The National Enquirer says that this is what happened:

“Mac made a play for Mila, but she blew him off,” revealed an insider. “After she spurned his advances, he went ber­serk.

The former “Home Alone” star, 32, reached out to the “Ted” cutie, 29, while they were both in England recently, sources say.

“Mac was desperate to hook hook up with Mila, and he saw this as his big chance,” explained the insider.

Mila was in England making a movie called “Jupiter Ascend­ing,” and Ashton had yet to join her. “Mac thought it was a great opportunity until Mila deep-sixed the idea,” continued the insider. “Now Mac’s friends fear that he’s so devastated he could wind up in another life-or-death situation.”

Mila’s brush-off boiled over when Culkin left a nightclub in Brighton, a seaside town in southeast England, in the early hours of April 16.

Reports say he lunged at a photographer as he walked over to a van, screaming at the shutterbug and telling him to “go to hell.”

The “Richie Rich” star was in England to join the tour of his buddy Adam Green and his band “The Moldy Peaches.” But he hardly looked like a star. During a stop in east London, one fellow clubgoer actually thought Culkin was homeless.

“We chatted for about five minutes and he said he was here visiting friends,” recalled student Marley Spindler, who met Culkin outside the Village Underground, a multipurpose events warehouse for concerts and nightclubs.

“He was vacant, speaking very quietly and mellow. He looked spaced out. I didn’t recognize him at first. I thought he was some homeless guy scrounging a smoke.”

Dude if Mila Kunis broke up with me I’d be depressed too.

How long do you think it will be before we have a Macaulay Culkin reality TV show? It’s pretty well known that he needs the cash. I’d watch. Unless it got too sad. It might be too sad.