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Charlie Sheen

0Every Charlie Sheen Update, All At Once

Charlie Sheen's Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour

This is it. This is the Sheenpocalypse. We are now being engulfed in a deluge of Sheen.

- Yesterday, Comedy Central announced its “Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen.” It will star Charlie Sheen.

- The Roast is coincidentally scheduled to air the same day that Two and Half Men premieres with its new star, Ashton Kutcher. Huh.

- If anyone disses Brooke Mueller during this little Roast, she swears to God, she will sue his ever-living balls off, Charlie.

- Faygo-a-go-go! Charlie Sheen is slated to co-host, for one night and one night only, the 12th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. (Don’t worry, Insane Clown Posse fans! You can catch Dustin Diamond another night.)

July 6, 2011 at 5:30 am by Jenn
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

0#TeamSheen Hires a Summer Intern

Team Sheen internship ad

In March, Charlie Sheen launched a campaign to hire a “social media intern” who could further the Tiger Blood brand and hone Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Truth. RumorFix reports that a pool of 82,149 applicants vied for the paid summer internship. And the position has just been filled!

In round three of the application process, one of the questions competitors could answer was, “If you were the Social Media Director for a major humanitarian aid organization, how would you create awareness and raise money via social media in the aftermath of a global disaster?”

Here’s oddly-stoic, totally overqualified Josh Burnstein of Tulsa, who answered that question with his #winning video application:

July 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Jenn
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

0Charlie Harper Killed Off, Somehow Manages to Live On in New TV Deal

Actor Charlie Sheen attends the Juvenile Diabetes Research Gala May 5

Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men, never ever ever wants to see Charlie Sheen ever again. Sources report that Sheen’s character, the tragicomic lothario Charlie Harper, is slated to die a terrible, probably-gruesome death, very nearly ensuring zero possibility of a future cameo.

And while the script for Charlie Harper’s killing-off isn’t complete, perhaps Lorre is trying to translate Sheen’s epic fall into a “teachable moment”: there are tentative plans to have the character drive his car off a cliff and, I can only assume, die in a fireball. It’s a metaphor for losing control and screwing up your life, kids! It’s like Charlie Sheen’s car, and then a cliff! Oh, no! So don’t do drugs.

But Chuck Lorre’s moral meta-victory has been undermined by this ironic new wrinkle: Charlie Sheen has signed a deal with Lionsgate to develop and star in his next sitcom. Worse, a source predicts “Charlie’s character will be very similar to the one he played on Two and a Half Men” only, this time, even raunchier.

And while Sheen won’t cash the same paycheck CBS could offer, due to the intricacies of his new contract, he may well eventually make more dough off this deal than he ever did as worthless Charlie Harper.

Do you see what has happened? Do you see what this means? THIS IS TERRIFYING.

The Lionsgate deal means that, try as we might, Charlie Sheen’s alter-ego cannot be stopped. He is unkillable. The hydra has regenerated, and it is more powerful than we ever could have known! MAYBE CBS REALLY DID PICK A FIGHT WITH A WARLOCK.

And! Worst of all! We are sullying the memory and reputation of the One True Charles Harper. I’m glad you aren’t here to witness all of this, Mr. Harper, famed midcentury painter.

June 28, 2011 at 9:30 am by Jenn

0Titillating, Terrifying, or Tired: Charlie Sheen Masks

Charlie Sheen! Thumbs up!

(Photos via Facebook)

Artist Landon Meier’s nightmarishly realistic masks have been making the rounds at horror conventions nationwide (and on Regretsy, hee). He’s got baby masks, he’s got Jack Nicholson masks, but his most startling silicone likeness is probably that of Charlie Sheen.

Incredibly, the Charlie Sheen mask looks great from every angle—unlike cadaverous Charlie Sheen himself. Or, well, OK, they’re both pretty creepy. Either way, it’s like a cartoon come to life! Eek!

The masks are custom-made, with Charlie’s trademark bowl-cut painstakingly rooted by hand, so Mr. Meier has no trouble charging $2,500 a, uh, head.

June 24, 2011 at 11:30 am by Jenn
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

6Charlie Sheen: Father of the Year

A photo of Charlie Sheen

Oh, and just to clarify, I’m being ironic when I call Charlie “father of the year,” it’s not like that time that Michael Lohan actually won a Father of the Year award.  It’s a crazy world, and clarification is necessary sometimes.

As you probably know, there have been some problems between Charlie and his ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, on the topic of their children, the two-year-old twin boys, Bob and Max. They’ve been working out custody and the terms of their divorce for a few months now, and this weekend is the first that Charlie gets to spend with the boys since March.  Since Charlie is such a sweetheart, he’s spending his time teaching the kids some valuable lessons:

Charlie says he’s spending the weekend expanding the boys’ vocabulary: “I am teaching them words, because they’re speaking now.  I’m teaching them the word ‘rehab’ so they always know where their mom is.”

What a gem, right?  How could this guy be the same guy who pulled a knife on his lady over “Drops of Jupiter”?   I tell you, it takes a caring and considerate man to take the time to nurture and educate his children like this, and let it be known right this second that Charlie Sheen is that man.

May 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

6Switching Gears For a Minute, Charlie Sheen Wrote Another Letter to CBS

photo of topless naked charlie sheen pictures photos torpedo of truth tour

I know it’s probably just breaking your little heart that we’re taking a break from our Royal Wedding coverage to talk about a douchecan like Charlie Sheen, but it’s just gotta be done. Charlie, who’s been wicked erratic in his assertions that CBS wants him back, and that he doesn’t want to go back, but then he DOES want to go back, but anyway – Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men states that the show’s going to go on – without Charlie Sheen.

So of course, Charlie wrote a long-winded rant about how awesome he is and how Chuck Lorre and those at CBS are, like, total turds, and the show won’t survive without him. The letter is pretty scathing, and I’d probably cry if it were sent to me (tears OF LAUGHTER, that is), and it just totally reinforces the idea that Charlie Sheen is self-centered, delusional, and dangerously crazy.

Jump in to read the batty letter:

(more…)

April 29, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen