2Charlie Sheen Does Funny or Die

So, uh, ‘funny,’ or ‘die’? I mean, it was funny, and he’s definitely gonna die (if not this year, you know, eventually), but is the Charlie hype all it’s cracked up to be?

March 10, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah

9Quotables: Charlie Sheen Slams Jon Cryer

“Jon has not called me. He’s a turncoat, a traitor, a troll. … Is it going to take me calling him a ‘traitor, juvenile and scared’ for him to get it? … [And if he does call?] What’s there to say? I’ll tell him, ‘You’re a little late. Goodbye, troll’.”

Well hell. Charlie Sheen says something that I actually agree with. You mean to tell me that co-star – and alleged FRIEND – Jon Cryer hasn’t gotten a hold of him, hasn’t reached out to find out what the fuck is up with all of this psychotic behavior, when the two have been working together for so long, in such a close proximity?

Damn, Jon. That’s not very friendly.

I’d call the little wuss a troll, too. Jeez.

March 9, 2011 at 4:30 am by Sarah

2Somebody Really Needs to Take the Sharp Objects Off of Charlie Sheen

This just isn’t healthy, you guys. Charlie Sheen, wielding a machete like he’s, I don’t know, back in fucking Platoon or something, but this time it’s not a movie, it’s real life, and Charlie’s slowly but surely losing his cracked and meth-clouded marbles one by one.

Here, Charlie’s pictured on the roof of Live Nation, waving a machete around with one of his ‘goddesses,’ pretending to drink a really foul-looking blood-like substance out of a bottle labeled ‘Tiger Blood’ while smoking cigarette after cigarette. Dude’s fingers are probably the color of burnt ochre by now – could you imagine what his lungs look like? Ugh.

His parting words?

‘Free at last, free at last.’

Boyfriend also sent a text message to People this morning (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) claiming that the beast was alive, and dangerous:

“Put yourself in my shoes for one warlock nanosecond. At some point there is nothing to say. Only war to wage … The winds are howling tonight. The gods are hungry. The beast is alive. And awake. And deadly.”

I don’t know about you all, but this is becoming quite the depressing-assed shitshow if you ask me, so here. To lighten the mood, I have an adorable, innocent child, speaking the recent quotes of Charlie Sheen. Enjoy!

This cheered me up marginally, but I still think I’m going to start pre-composing an obit for Charlie here, and just saving it in my little drafts folder for when that time comes, because it’s this year, guys. Mark my words, and the closing bit at the end? It’ll be ‘free at last, free at last.’

March 8, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah

0It’s Official: Charlie Sheen Has Been Fired

I know, I thought this happened a while ago too, but apparently not.  See, what happened was Charlie was talking mad shit about Two and a Half Men, and they were like “all right, let’s take some time off and see what we can see.”  The show wasn’t cancelled, and Charlie wasn’t fired. Until now.

Here’s Warner Bros’ official statement:

“After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately.”

If you’re interested, TMZ has the official 11-page letter detailing the reasons he’s being fired, but I think we’re all pretty clear on that. Instead, I would think you’d rather read Charlie’s reaction:

“This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

Despite this being “good news,” Charlie is still planning on suing for a breach of contract.  That’s all well and good, but did you guys pull what I did from Charlie’s statement? The binding ritual didn’t work.  What kind of warlock-craft are we dealing with here?

March 7, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Emily

1The End is Near: Charlie Sheen Debuts His Own Video Channel

Video streaming by Ustream

If you hid under the blankets all weekend long and tried to rid yourself of the searing images of Charlie Sheen on EVERY FUCKING NEWS SHOW (like I did), good for you. However, Monday is here, and there’s even more Charlie Sheen fuckery to go around in the form of a live webcast hosted by the one, the only, the man, Charlie Sheen.

I know it’s probably going to be tough, but try your hardest to watch at LEAST 2:50 into the video and TELL ME that this dude is not either insane, or just, you know, on tons and tons of drugs. All I know is that this entire thing is not funny, it’s not amusing, it’s actually FUCKING TRAGIC, and if you don’t think so, just watch further into the video.

Charlie Sheen: where’s he going to be in six months?

March 7, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah

5And BTW, @CharlieSheen Isn’t Really Charlie Sheen

The over one million people that started following Charlie Sheen on Twitter within the first two days of him joining are probably going to be disappointed to learn that The Sheenius isn’t actually Tweeting himself.

From RadarOnline:

On TV Guide’s Hollywood 411, airing Friday at 8pm Eastern, 7 Central, RadarOnline.com’s Senior Executive Editor @dylanshoward tells host Chris Harrison, “I’ll let you know a secret. He doesn’t actually do the tweets himself. He has a “tweet-master” as he calls it. He calls this person on the traditional cell phone, or the house phone when I was there, and says the message that he wants out.”

Charlie’s “Tweet Master” aka ghost Tweeter is actually some dude by the name of Bob Maron, and all I know about him is that he has less Twitter followers than me and the link on his account leads to a designer knockoff watch online store. I’d also be willing to bet that Charlie has called in approximately zero of the Tweets posted to his account and is just throwing this Bob dude a couple of 8 balls and the Goddesses for a night here and there.

He’s playing us like a damn fiddle! Don’t believe the hype!

March 5, 2011 at 9:30 am by Molls