Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men, never ever ever wants to see Charlie Sheen ever again. Sources report that Sheen’s character, the tragicomic lothario Charlie Harper, is slated to die a terrible, probably-gruesome death, very nearly ensuring zero possibility of a future cameo.
And while the script for Charlie Harper’s killing-off isn’t complete, perhaps Lorre is trying to translate Sheen’s epic fall into a “teachable moment”: there are tentative plans to have the character drive his car off a cliff and, I can only assume, die in a fireball. It’s a metaphor for losing control and screwing up your life, kids! It’s like Charlie Sheen’s car, and then a cliff! Oh, no! So don’t do drugs.
But Chuck Lorre’s moral meta-victory has been undermined by this ironic new wrinkle: Charlie Sheen has signed a deal with Lionsgate to develop and star in his next sitcom. Worse, a source predicts “Charlie’s character will be very similar to the one he played on Two and a Half Men” only, this time, even raunchier.
And while Sheen won’t cash the same paycheck CBS could offer, due to the intricacies of his new contract, he may well eventually make more dough off this deal than he ever did as worthless Charlie Harper.
Do you see what has happened? Do you see what this means? THIS IS TERRIFYING.
The Lionsgate deal means that, try as we might, Charlie Sheen’s alter-ego cannot be stopped. He is unkillable. The hydra has regenerated, and it is more powerful than we ever could have known! MAYBE CBS REALLY DID PICK A FIGHT WITH A WARLOCK.
And! Worst of all! We are sullying the memory and reputation of the One True Charles Harper. I’m glad you aren’t here to witness all of this, Mr. Harper, famed midcentury painter.
June 28, 2011 at 9:30 am by Jenn
(Photos via Facebook)
Artist Landon Meier’s nightmarishly realistic masks have been making the rounds at horror conventions nationwide (and on Regretsy, hee). He’s got baby masks, he’s got Jack Nicholson masks, but his most startling silicone likeness is probably that of Charlie Sheen.
Incredibly, the Charlie Sheen mask looks great from every angle—unlike cadaverous Charlie Sheen himself. Or, well, OK, they’re both pretty creepy. Either way, it’s like a cartoon come to life! Eek!
The masks are custom-made, with Charlie’s trademark bowl-cut painstakingly rooted by hand, so Mr. Meier has no trouble charging $2,500 a, uh, head.
June 24, 2011 at 11:30 am by Jenn
Oh, and just to clarify, I’m being ironic when I call Charlie “father of the year,” it’s not like that time that Michael Lohan actually won a Father of the Year award. It’s a crazy world, and clarification is necessary sometimes.
As you probably know, there have been some problems between Charlie and his ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, on the topic of their children, the two-year-old twin boys, Bob and Max. They’ve been working out custody and the terms of their divorce for a few months now, and this weekend is the first that Charlie gets to spend with the boys since March. Since Charlie is such a sweetheart, he’s spending his time teaching the kids some valuable lessons:
Charlie says he’s spending the weekend expanding the boys’ vocabulary: “I am teaching them words, because they’re speaking now. I’m teaching them the word ‘rehab’ so they always know where their mom is.”
What a gem, right? How could this guy be the same guy who pulled a knife on his lady over “Drops of Jupiter”? I tell you, it takes a caring and considerate man to take the time to nurture and educate his children like this, and let it be known right this second that Charlie Sheen is that man.
May 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Emily
I know it’s probably just breaking your little heart that we’re taking a break from our Royal Wedding coverage to talk about a douchecan like Charlie Sheen, but it’s just gotta be done. Charlie, who’s been wicked erratic in his assertions that CBS wants him back, and that he doesn’t want to go back, but then he DOES want to go back, but anyway – Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men states that the show’s going to go on – without Charlie Sheen.
So of course, Charlie wrote a long-winded rant about how awesome he is and how Chuck Lorre and those at CBS are, like, total turds, and the show won’t survive without him. The letter is pretty scathing, and I’d probably cry if it were sent to me (tears OF LAUGHTER, that is), and it just totally reinforces the idea that Charlie Sheen is self-centered, delusional, and dangerously crazy.
Jump in to read the batty letter:
April 29, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
And you know, seriously, this woman beats the hell out of all of Charlie’s other ‘goddesses.’ She’s got more class, more fashion sense, and apparently more taste, as she wouldn’t open her lips to the nicotine-laden tongue that still hasn’t yet rotted out of Charlie’s mouth.
An elderly woman was brought up on stage at one of Charlie‘s recent tour stops, where the audience – childishly – began chanting ‘Kiss her! Kiss her!’ It took Charlie an uncomfortable moment to make a move, and probably made the poor woman feel ridiculous in the process, but finally planted a quick one on her at the audience’s request.
April 28, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Denise was on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night after the Real Housewives of New York (the only reason I was around to watch it,) and of course Andy Cohen asked her about some of the stuff that’s going on with her ex-husband and the father of her two daughters, Charlie Sheen. She didn’t say one bad word about the guy and actually seemed to be genuinely sad about the tragic turn his life has taken in recent months. And she showed some support to Charlie’s newest ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, saying that she gives her a lot of credit for taking control of her addiction and checking herself into treatment.
Denise also mentioned that, while she herself had met Charlie’s Goddesses, her daughters had not. Sounds like she went over and screened them before she brought her kids over, which is exactly what a good mother would do. Plus, she offered to take in Brooke and Charlie’s twin baby boys while their two of them are off doing other things. Totally unnecessary, but the caring and open-hearted thing to do.
I’ve spent plenty of time being annoyed by Denise over trivial, tabloid-y issues throughout the years, but that was pretty quickly washed away after seeing how she’s reacted in the face of true problems.