I have this dream. Do you want to hear it? Ok, it’s a reality show. It’s like a lot of other reality shows in that a group of people live inside a house together, but it’s just a tiny bit different because the cast members are Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lea Michele, Scarlett Johannson, Kristen Stewart, and Lady Gaga. They live in a house together, but they can’t leave. Not for the duration of the filming anyway. They’ll be inside a modest house and they’ll live a simple middle class lifestyle, and there will be cameras absolutely everywhere, and those cameras are on all the time. The show is called Bitches on Lockdown, and we’ll finally be able to see why these ladies are the way that they are.
That idea came to me while I was reading Madonna’s interview with The Advocate:
On the media: “I mean, I certainly don’t engage [with the media] as much as I did,” she says. “When people are writing about you in the beginning and they’re saying nice things, you’re like, ‘Oh!’ You feel this lift of energy. Then they say bad things, and of course, you’re affected by that too.”
Madonna spent a lot of time caring about the bad, but she claims to have moved on. “I don’t really dwell on it anymore. I used to be kind of fixated on it and think, It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair, but it is what it is, and I just have to get on with my life.”
On haters: “If you are threatened by me as a female or you think I’m doing too much or saying too much or being too much of a provocateur, then no matter how great of a song I write or how amazing of a film I make, you’re not going to allow yourself to enjoy it, because you’re going to be too entrenched in being angry with me or putting me in my place or punishing me.”
On happily ever after: “If you are threatened by me as a female or you think I’m doing too much or saying too much or being too much of a provocateur, then no matter how great of a song I write or how amazing of a film I make, you’re not going to allow yourself to enjoy it, because you’re going to be too entrenched in being angry with me or putting me in my place or punishing me.”
On her gay following: “I never left them,” insists Madonna, echoing a lyric from Evita. “When you’re single, you certainly have more time to socialize and hang out with your gay friends, but then you get married and you have a husband and you have children, and your husband wants you to spend time with him. I’m not married anymore, but I have four kids, and I don’t have a lot of time for socializing.”
On Lady Gaga: Recently Time magazine referred to Madonna as “the Lady Gaga of the ’80s.” When I ask about this, a bit of a chill sweeps over the room.
“I have no thoughts,” she says. “What’s the question?” So I ask it a different way: What do you think of how Gaga connects with her fans, and is it parallel to the relationship you had with gay fans early on?
Madonna pauses for a moment, composing herself. “It seems genuine,” she says, also seeming genuine. “It seems natural, and I can see why she has a young gay following. I can see that they connect to her kind of not fitting into the conventional norm. I mean, she’s not Britney Spears. She’s not built like a brick shithouse. She seems to have had a challenging upbringing, and so I can see where she would also have that kind of connection, a symbiotic relationship with gay men.”
On directing: “I’m magnificent!” Madonna says initially when asked what she’s like as a director. Then she gets serious. “I don’t know — I’m pretty methodical and detail-oriented, very specific with everybody from the camera crew to the actors to the costume designer to the hair and makeup people. I was very specific with everybody all the time. I love giving actors as much information as possible and helping them as much as I can and then leaving them alone if they want me to.”
See? Wouldn’t you love to see that ridiculousness on a reality show? The cattiness between Madonna and Gaga alone would be more than worth it, right?