Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow knew Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin wouldn’t last

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Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin recently called off their short-lived romance for unknown reason, and many people were surprised since things seemed to be going well. The one person who wasn’t surprised, however, was Gwyneth Paltrow, who knew it would never last between them, apparently.

From Radar Online :

News of the Lawrence – Martin split broke on Monday, but according to a source, “Gwyneth wasn’t surprised by it. She never thought the relationship was going to last because of their age difference. Jen is 24 and Chris is 37. Plus, Jen complained to Chris that she felt like the third wheel in their relationship because of all the time he spent with his kids.”

Meanwhile, “Gwyneth always pressured Chris to spend more time with Apple and Moses,” the source revealed. “The kids would constantly call Chris when he was with Jennifer, and whatever they were doing would have to come to a standstill. There was always the expectation from Gwyneth that Chris should spend even more time with the kids.”

Oh, dear. That sounds like hateration of the highest degree, no matter how true it is (like, the fact that they were never going to last).  OF COURSE Goop is going to think that Chris Martin will never find anyone as great as she is and as refined and classy and wonderful. Of course she’s going to think JLaw – who burps and eats and talks about shitting herself in interviews – is going to be looked down upon. Whatever, man.

Then again, maybe she never said any of this at all… but I feel like there’s a root of truth here.

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Martha Stewart mocks Gwyneth Paltrow in new magazine spread

gwyneth paltrow martha stewart

Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t really get along, it’s safe to say. While Goopy has shrugged off some of Martha’s less than kind comments about her wannabe status, Martha has now taken it one step further by poking fun at Gwyn’s “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin by creating a conscious coupling… of Thanksgiving foods.

conscious coupling

If you can’t read the print, here’s what it says:

Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.

Damn, Martha – shady! I love it.

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Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care if you and Martha Stewart hate her

gwyneth paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is basically THE WORST and we all know it – like, literally all of us, including Martha Stewart. In fact, Martha recently laid down some home truths to Gwyn, saying that homegirl needs to stick to acting and stop trying to be some lifestyle/homemaking guru like Martha herself. Gwyneth’s response? The methinks-she-doth-protest-too-much “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant, which includes a healthy dose of, “She’s just insecure!” bullshit.

Here’s what she had to say at Fortune’s Most Powerful Women Summit on Tuesday:

First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [Laughs]

If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am.

I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else. At this point in my life I don’t take it personally. I see it as a projection. And if there’s ever anything that sticks then I know, “oh, I’m holding this judgment against myself and I need to look at that.” And you know sometimes I learn good things from criticism.

To be fair, I mean, I guess she handled it already. How else can you respond to an ice cold diss like the one Martha laid down? However, to say it’s a “projection” – that Martha Stewart has ANYTHING to be intimidated by when in comparison to Gwyneth Paltrow – is so fucking high and mighty I could smack her. Nice try, Gwyenth.

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Martha Stewart has some “advice” for Gwyneth Paltrow

martha stewart gwyneth paltrow

If there’s one thing we all need to learn in life, it’s this: do not fuck with Martha Stewart. She is not here for anyone’s bullshit. Also, she is not here for your copycat “lifestyle guru” nonsense because she did it first and she does it best, so sit down and stay in your lane. She had to put Blake Lively in her place and now she’s doing it to Gwyneth Paltrow, which is pretty much the best thing EVER (because who among us doesn’t dream of telling Gwyneth Paltrow off?).

From Page Six:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

LOL DAAAAAAAAMN. Martha Stewart is so ice cold… but she’s completely correct. No one is saying (at least I’m not) that a woman has to stick to one thing and can never do anything but the thing she’s known for, but to pretend as if Gwyneth Paltrow has any credibility whatsoever when it comes to telling anyone how to live their lives when she advocates eating 700 calories per day and says she’d rather kill herself than let her kids eat Cup-o-Noodles (FOOL!). I’m Team Martha all the way, on this matter and most others, as it happens.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Be Jewish

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Gwyneth Paltrow reportedly wants to be one of the chosen people — no, I’m not referring to the Spice Girls — I’m referring to Jews. Apparently, Ms. Paltrow would like to convert to Juadiasm. As a Jew, can I just say, oy! Keep in mind it’s from the Daily Mail, so take it with a little bit of kosher salt. From The Daily Mail:

For years she has followed Kabbalah, which has its roots in the Jewish faith.

Now Gwyneth Paltrow is said to be ‘quietly converting’ to Judaism.

It was reported yesterday that the Hollywood actress, 41, has chosen to embrace the faith more closely following the break-up of her marriage to British singer Chris Martin this year.

The claim was made by the New York Post, which said Miss Paltrow was already raising her daughter Apple, ten, and son Moses, eight, in a Jewish setting after learning about her family history on the US version of the genealogy programme Who Do You Think You Are?.

Miss Paltrow discovered she came from a long line of influential East European rabbis.

Previously she has joked that she was a ‘Jewish princess’ after learning she had 17 generations of rabbis running through her family tree.

Oh she WOULD. She’s also said (via Fashion Times):

Oh my God, if you saw the amount of food that I do. I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy.

Girl, that doesn’t sound like ANY Jewish mother I know of. Jewish mothers don’t give a fuck about health content or count calories. They just eat and complain about the calories hours later. Duh.

Anyway, if this is what she wants, I wish her the best. L’chaim!

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Chris Martin loves Jennifer Lawrence because she’s nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow

jennifer lawrence chris martin

One of the stranger rumours/confirmed stories (?) making the rounds over the last week is that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are a new couple. Neither of their spokespeople have denied the romance yet and magazines are still reporting it, so it could be true – who knows? If it is true, The Sun (via Daily Mail) claims to know exactly why these two are so well suited: Jennifer is the anti-Goop.

‘Jennifer is loads of fun and they can’t stop laughing when they are together,’ a source told The Sun newspaper.

‘Chris feels he is dating someone who has everything he’s been missing out on in the past 11 years.

Friends believe that Jennifer is good for Chris following his split in March from clean-living 41-year-old Gwyneth.

Gwyneth is renowned for her healthy diet and strict fitness routine, while Jennifer smokes and enjoys tucking into pizza.

The source said Chris feels the Hunger Games star has given him a ‘new lease of life.’

‘Jennifer doesn’t take herself too seriously and when she is not filming she just wants to hang out and have a good time,’ the source added.

I mean, obviously the “source” is a summer intern who was told to make up some quotes, but I can see how this one could have a bit of truth to it. Gwyneth Paltrow has a stick so far up her ass, I’m surprised it’s not coming straight out of her mouth on the other end. I imagine it would be a welcome relief to be around someone who’s a bit less worried about whether or not a nitrate sneaked into her organic, greenhouse grown lettuce leaf.

I really hope this is actually happening. I love the idea of Chris and Jennifer as a couple!

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Gwyneth Paltrow likes being slapped in the face

gwyneth paltrow 2014

Okay, so that headline was slightly misleading. What Gwyneth Paltrow actually enjoys are “aggressive facials” (i.e. cosmetic procedures without actual scalpels) that feel like you’re having rubber bands snapped against your face repeatedly. Mmm, sounds relaxing!

From Hello! (via E!):

The actress told Hello! magazine that she loves the effective but not-so-pleasant Thermage laser treatment. “It’s non-invasive but it’s quite painful, like having your face smacked with a rubber band that has an electric shock in it. But it works.”

The Thermage treatment is also commonly known as the “face-ironing treatment.” Yikes. Sound painful enough for you? But there’s a reason why stars like Gwyneth keep coming back for more. The treatment boosts collagen levels in the skin’s lower layers, creating a tightening effect to the top layer.

But even if you’re up for the pain, Thermage laser treatments will cost you. A half-face treatment costs around $3,900, while a full-face treatment comes with the hefty price tag of $5,240.

Girl, just go get the full facelift like you’ll end up doing anyway – you could probably get one for the price of two of those “facials” you’re after.

I’m cool with whatever, but I wish Goop would get off her lifestyle high horse and stop acting like she’s above all the other women getting older in Hollywood because she’s so holistic. Bullshit. Those “facials” are cosmetic procedures tantamount to plastic surgery, just done with lasers (which is kinda the wave of the future, anyway). Same effect, same purpose – and totally rich from someone who proclaimed that Botox is “vain”. Sorry to break it to you, Gwyneth, but you and Kris Jenner are more alike than you think.

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