Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow still doesn’t know her place

gwyneth paltrow martha stewart

Gwyneth Paltrow has always thought the sun shines out of her own asshole and clearly still does. She has a lifestyle and a personality that makes every synapse in my brain misfire and I can’t stand her. But even if I did like her, I’d be hard pressed to find a reason to take her side in her ongoing… whatever it is with Martha Stewart. There is no beating Martha Stewart, not when it comes to homemaking/cooking and the like. And most people are smart enough not to try – Blake Lively went there but quickly came to her senses – but Gwyneth, oh… no, Gwyneth thinks she’s a special snowflake and is trying to get one up on Martha’s “Conscious Coupling” spread with her own “Jailbird Cake”, published on the Goop site this week.

gwyneth paltrow jailbird cake

First of all, what is this terrible excuse for a cake and why is it caving in on the sides? I’m surprised Gwyneth let such imperfection go live on her site. Is it supposed to be “quaint” because if you were making this in prison, you wouldn’t be able to get things precise? However, I will say I’m impressed that Gwyn allows you to use a WHOLE TABLESPOON of powdered sugar for this recipe. God, that’ll be her maxed out on carbs for the year!

Oh, and there’s this:

“The folks at goop know how to have some fun, too,” a source close to the goop creator tells PEOPLE. “If Martha served up the appetizer, the Jailbird Cake is just desserts.”

Oh, sit down, Gwyneth. Please. You’re embarrassing yourself.

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Jimmy Kimmel has celebrities read even more mean tweets

spears

I don’t really like Jimmy Kimmel – I don’t “get” what’s so funny about him and find him rather dull, most of the time. One of the few exceptions to this, however, is when he does his ‘Celebrities Reading Mean Tweets’ segment. Now that’s entertainment – though you could argue it’s not really his, since he doesn’t appear in the videos, but whatever.

The point is, we’re here with another installment of celebrities reading all the mean shit you guys say about them online, and they’re great. I particularly enjoy the tweet about Adam Sandler, but that’s just because I totally agree with it. Enjoy!

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Gwyneth Paltrow swears she can’t wait to “age gracefully”

gwyneth paltrow

Ugh, why can’t Gwyneth Paltrow ever do anything that’s not totally annoying? I was hemming and hawing on which GP story to cover today: her Goop “must-have” Christmas list which includes a $4k vase (among other monstrosities) or the fact that, despite admittedly getting Botox (which she later described as “vain”), she swears she’s into “aging gracefully”. LOL to that, but we’re going with the latter.

Here’s what she had to say in a piece she wrote for Stylist magazine:

“I know it’s a cliché, but I really do subscribe to the ‘age gracefully’ thing. You can fight it to a degree, but I accept the beauty of being a grown woman and the wisdom that comes with it. There’s nothing fun about being at that young age where you don’t know yourself and you’re struggling so much to accept yourself. There are cases where younger women really are integrated in themselves, but personally it took me a long time I wouldn’t go back for anything!

I’m not the type to look in the mirror and study my looks. God no! I’d rather die than be studying my face like that! I just brush my teeth and try to get dressed and get everyone up. The morning is definitely not the time when I look in the mirror. I don’t tend to wear much make-up either. If I’m working, I’ll wear a lot, obviously, but in my own life I’m very much a mascara and lip gloss kind of person. I do try – especially in the last five years – to be good about washing my face properly then exfoliating and moisturising before bed. Taking an inside-out approach to beauty has always been my philosophy – that and sleep, good nutrition and a bit of exercise – especially when it comes to skin.”

She goes on and on from there, contemplating her navel about society’s standards set for women, self-acceptance, her love of mascara, etc. Talk about vain. If Goopy does really lay off the Botox and whatever other cosmetic procedures she gets which she still files under the “aging gracefully” canopy, good for her. Or, if she wants to go full on Kris Jenner and go under the knife 80 times a year, that’s cool too – just own it. The worst thing about people in Hollywood, particularly women (since they are indeed held to a higher standard) is when they lie about how they look the way they do. It’s all well and good to say you look after yourself, but let’s be honest: part of that regime in Hollywood means personal chefs, private trainers, thousands of dollars on facials and massages and makeup artists… it’s hardly what the rest of us do, and that’s fine. But don’t pretend otherwise.

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Gwyneth Paltrow knew Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin wouldn’t last

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Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin recently called off their short-lived romance for unknown reason, and many people were surprised since things seemed to be going well. The one person who wasn’t surprised, however, was Gwyneth Paltrow, who knew it would never last between them, apparently.

From Radar Online :

News of the Lawrence – Martin split broke on Monday, but according to a source, “Gwyneth wasn’t surprised by it. She never thought the relationship was going to last because of their age difference. Jen is 24 and Chris is 37. Plus, Jen complained to Chris that she felt like the third wheel in their relationship because of all the time he spent with his kids.”

Meanwhile, “Gwyneth always pressured Chris to spend more time with Apple and Moses,” the source revealed. “The kids would constantly call Chris when he was with Jennifer, and whatever they were doing would have to come to a standstill. There was always the expectation from Gwyneth that Chris should spend even more time with the kids.”

Oh, dear. That sounds like hateration of the highest degree, no matter how true it is (like, the fact that they were never going to last).  OF COURSE Goop is going to think that Chris Martin will never find anyone as great as she is and as refined and classy and wonderful. Of course she’s going to think JLaw – who burps and eats and talks about shitting herself in interviews – is going to be looked down upon. Whatever, man.

Then again, maybe she never said any of this at all… but I feel like there’s a root of truth here.

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Martha Stewart mocks Gwyneth Paltrow in new magazine spread

gwyneth paltrow martha stewart

Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t really get along, it’s safe to say. While Goopy has shrugged off some of Martha’s less than kind comments about her wannabe status, Martha has now taken it one step further by poking fun at Gwyn’s “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin by creating a conscious coupling… of Thanksgiving foods.

conscious coupling

If you can’t read the print, here’s what it says:

Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.

Damn, Martha – shady! I love it.

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Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care if you and Martha Stewart hate her

gwyneth paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow is basically THE WORST and we all know it – like, literally all of us, including Martha Stewart. In fact, Martha recently laid down some home truths to Gwyn, saying that homegirl needs to stick to acting and stop trying to be some lifestyle/homemaking guru like Martha herself. Gwyneth’s response? The methinks-she-doth-protest-too-much “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant, which includes a healthy dose of, “She’s just insecure!” bullshit.

Here’s what she had to say at Fortune’s Most Powerful Women Summit on Tuesday:

First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [Laughs]

If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am.

I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else. At this point in my life I don’t take it personally. I see it as a projection. And if there’s ever anything that sticks then I know, “oh, I’m holding this judgment against myself and I need to look at that.” And you know sometimes I learn good things from criticism.

To be fair, I mean, I guess she handled it already. How else can you respond to an ice cold diss like the one Martha laid down? However, to say it’s a “projection” – that Martha Stewart has ANYTHING to be intimidated by when in comparison to Gwyneth Paltrow – is so fucking high and mighty I could smack her. Nice try, Gwyenth.

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Martha Stewart has some “advice” for Gwyneth Paltrow

martha stewart gwyneth paltrow

If there’s one thing we all need to learn in life, it’s this: do not fuck with Martha Stewart. She is not here for anyone’s bullshit. Also, she is not here for your copycat “lifestyle guru” nonsense because she did it first and she does it best, so sit down and stay in your lane. She had to put Blake Lively in her place and now she’s doing it to Gwyneth Paltrow, which is pretty much the best thing EVER (because who among us doesn’t dream of telling Gwyneth Paltrow off?).

From Page Six:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

LOL DAAAAAAAAMN. Martha Stewart is so ice cold… but she’s completely correct. No one is saying (at least I’m not) that a woman has to stick to one thing and can never do anything but the thing she’s known for, but to pretend as if Gwyneth Paltrow has any credibility whatsoever when it comes to telling anyone how to live their lives when she advocates eating 700 calories per day and says she’d rather kill herself than let her kids eat Cup-o-Noodles (FOOL!). I’m Team Martha all the way, on this matter and most others, as it happens.

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