2Oh, F-ck Off Already: Gwyneth Paltrow Won’t Shut Up About How Much the Met Ball Sucked

Gwyneth Paltrow is still under the misguided notion that anyone cares what she has to say, so she’s still ranting about the Met Gala over a week ago and how much it “sucked”. I don’t see what made this event suck any more than any of the others you have to get out of your pyjamas to attend (so, all of them?), but whatever, let her keep digging herself deeper until she hopefully falls through the other side of the earth and floats into space so we never have to hear from her again. That’s how these things work, right?

From The Kyle and Jackie O Show:

“Do you want me to be honest? It sucked.

“It seems like it’s the best thing in the world – you always think, ‘Oh my God, it’s gonna be so glamorous and amazing and you’re going to see all these people’ and then you get there and it’s so hot and it’s so crowded and everyone’s pushing you.”

“Kanye West was playing and he was all furious and he threw his microphone down and it was all drama. I don’t know why [he was mad].”

HAHA, u mad, Kanye? Not as mad as Gwyneth is, apparently. I seriously just do not get why this insufferable woman continues to speak.

May 14, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer

1Sorry, Met Gala, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Not Impressed And Won’t Be Returning

God help the world if Gwyneth Paltrow ever gets a Yelp account – no business will be safe from her wrath, as most will fall short of her incredibly refined standards and fail to keep her amused. Such is the case with the Met Costume Institute Gala last week. Everyone dressed up in their finest “punk” garb (though some clearly missed the whole theme thing) and had a nice, fancy night out with champagne, chit chat and general frivolity. It’s a rich person’s dream! Well, not for Gwyneth. She was bored and will NOT be going back next year.

From USA Today:

Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow, who attended Monday’s star-studded gala in Valentino. Her pal Beyoncé was the honorary co-chair and wore Givenchy.

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all,” says Paltrow.

Aw, well isn’t that a shame? What’s the matter, Gwyn, not enough hydroponic shaved fennel nests served for your liking? Was someone wearing a dress that cost less than $5,000? THE SHAME!

I mean, listen. If I was a celebrity, I wouldn’t ever go to any of these events strictly because I prefer wearing pyjamas at all possible times and I still have half a season of Once Upon a Time to catch up on. But still, to act like you’re just so above it that it bored you? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck off, lady.

At least she got to ogle Miranda Kerr for a while. Small victories.

May 10, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer

2LOL, Like, OMG: Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Miranda Kerr Is “So Pretty, It’s Abnormal”

Gwyneth Paltrow gets lady wood for very few things in this life – organic and macrobiotic beet grass shavings and $875 Egyptian silk sheets being roughly half of them – but it turns out, Miranda Kerr does it for her, too. Why is that, exactly? Could it be that Miranda’s Achilles tendon is more defined than hers? Does her skin lie flatter against her ribcage than Gwyneth’s? This is just weird.

From Entertainment Weekly:

Who was the Iron Man 3 actress’s pick for best dressed? Ask Paltrow who the belle of the ball was, and she’s quick to answer…

Miranda Kerr.

“She was wearing a black Michael Kors dress that was sort of like a sparkling bandeau, and her whole stomach was showing,” says Paltrow, who was also in NYC to promote her new GOOP City Guides app with an appearance today at the Apple Store in SoHo. “It was really beautiful. It was a little punk-y. She’s just so pretty, it’s abnormal.”

Kerr, a former Victoria’s Secret model who is married to actor Orlando Bloom, seemed to take it all in stride, according to Paltrow. “I was like, ‘Is it weird to be that pretty?’” the actress recalls, laughing. “And she was like, ‘No.’”

Obviously as women, we notice other attractive women and there’s nothing wrong with calling attention to that, obviously. It just strikes me as kind of creepy the way she talks about how her “whole stomach was showing” – like it’s something mystical and entrancing or something and she feels like if she could just eat 600 calories per day instead of 700, she too might be able to wear a dress that has her “whole stomach” on display.

I’m maybe thinking about this a little too deeply. Anyway.

May 9, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

10Stars Go Punk At The Met Gala: See The Best And Worst

Anne Hathaway actually blew me away with her punk transformation for the Costume Institute Gala for the “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum (or Met Gala for short). Doesn’t she look great as a blonde? Every year celebs dress to the hilt for the event for whatever the theme is. This year, it’s punk. So keep that in mind when looking at these photos — these looks are supposed to be crazy and over the top.

BEST: Anne Hathaway, January Jones, Sienna Miller

WORST: Almost everyone else, but especially Kerry Washington, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Kim Kardashian and honestly there were so many more I couldn’t even deal with.

PLEASANTLY SURPRISED BY: Miley Cyrus and Anne Hathaway

Check it out!

(more…)

May 7, 2013 at 4:30 am by Catherine St. Ives

5No Shit, Sherlock of the Day: Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Marriage Can Be “Hard” Sometimes

Actress, purveyor of body shame and rich white woman Gwyneth Paltrow faces adversity in her day to day life on levels we couldn’t possibly fathom. She has too many pairs of black Armani slacks to wear and struggles to decide between straight cut  or skinny, her local Whole Foods was out of organic sugar-free New Zealand beeswax essence the last time she sent her personal chef for groceries and one of her kids ate a single M&M proffered from a private school classmate last week and she’s afraid Apple will develop Diabetes before her 10th birthday. It’s a difficult world out there, and that’s not even including relationships. Her marriage to Chris Martin? It can totally be hard sometimes, guys. :(

From Glamour UK (via DigitalSpy):

“It’s hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We’re the same as any couple,” she said.

“I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mom stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time’. And I think that’s what happens.

“When two people throw in the towel at the same time, then you break up, but if one person’s saying, ‘Come on, we can do this’, you carry on.

“We laugh, we’re good friends, we like to do the same stuff. I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter.

May 3, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

4Oh, F-ck Off: Gwyneth Paltrow Is Bringing Her Bullshit To Video

It’s not enough that Gwyneth Paltrow wants to tell you how wrong your life is and how right hers always has and always will be at every available opportunity in print. No, now she’s going to bring along fellow psycho, advocate of the 700 calorie per day diet and “personal trainer” Tracy Anderson for a ten episode online mini-series called Second Chances. As in, you don’t always have to be a fat, poor failure! If you listen to me and Tracy here, we’ll give you a second chance at being just like us!

Think that doesn’t sound bad enough? Well, think again. Ryan Seacrest Productions is bankrolling and producing this bullshit. Lord, give me strength.

From Variety:

“It’s a new focus for us, in the context of this company,” he said of digital development at Ryan Seacrest Prods.

The Paltrow project emanated from TV development that Ryan Seacrest Prods. was working on with the A-list actress. “Second Chances,” which co-stars fitness guru Tracy Anderson, reveals the inspiring stories of women who’ve overcome all manner of adversity.

AOL is expected to announce “Second Chances” as part of its newfronts slate on Tuesday in New York.

Hilariously, this seems a whole lot like Amanda de Cadenet’s The Conversation, which Gwyneth appeared on but failed to secure a second season from Lifetime. Oopsies.

May 1, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer