Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Secrets To A Good Life: ‘Exercise, Laughing, Having Sex’

gwyneth paltrow

I apologize if I made you vomit while you’re trying to eat lunch with that headline. Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow did indeed count “having sex” as one of the activities she participates in on a daily basis in order to live her best life. On the cover of Women’s Health, Gwyn tried to play it super cool and act like she’s totally not uptight. She eats whatever she wants! Nothing’s off limits! Exercise is fun, but shitty food is better! Isn’t she so low key?!

“My food philosophy is ‘Nothing should be ruled out.’ I don’t believe in saying, ‘You’re not allowed that.’ If my kids want a Shirley Temple with the radioactive cherry in it, go for it, you know?”

“Me with no coffee is not a good look,” she says – followed by “a smoothie after I work out. For lunch I usually have a big salad with grilled chicken.”

And when it comes to dinner, Paltrow says the rule is “whatever I want.”

“Most nights I eat with the kids, like, a stir-fry of chicken and broccoli or pasta or roast chicken and potatoes,” she says.

She explains that she’s similarly laid-back about her beauty regimen. “I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself. I’m not like, ‘Then I use this masque that I make on my stove.’”

Sorry, I’m not buying it. This is the same woman who said she’d rather smoke crack than feed her kid Cup o’ Soup and melodramatically claimed she’d commit suicide before she ate Cheez-Wiz. But yeah, totally, she lets her kids have “radioactive” cherries. Because all kids beg their parents for Shirley Temples, of course! Fuck off, Gwyneth.

Gwyneth Paltrow Intimidates You, Says Her Mom

gwyneth paltrow blythe danner

Look, Gwyneth Paltrow blows and we all know it. She hasn’t made a good movie in… I don’t know, EVER, and she’s obnoxious and completely disconnected from reality while simultaneously insisting that she’s totally like the “common woman”. She knows other people think she’s clueless but she doesn’t care and she’s just awful. But clearly there’s a reason she’s turned out this way: her mother, Blythe Danner, clearly raised her to think she’s a special damn snowflake. In fact, Blythe thinks the reason we all see her daughter as so unbearably obnoxious is because we’re “intimidated” by her!

Appearing on Today on Wednesday, host Natalie Morales asked Blythe’s thoughts on her daughter’s reputation, to which she replied: “I think she’s so accomplished that people get kind of intimidated by it.” 

“I know that she’s the most extraordinary girl who can do everything,” she said. “An incredible mother, raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for my husband’s oral cancer fund … Things she doesn’t talk about a lot, she’s becoming a great environmentalist. I’m so proud of her.” 

Uh, yikes. And also, completely wrong. I hate to break it to Blythe Danner, but there are so many people on this planet who have accomplished way more than Goopy Paltrow and they’re actually liked and respected. They’re not obnoxious, self-obsessed, clueless weirdos. This argument just doesn’t hold water – and it’s not the first time she’s made it, anyway.

Of course, we can’t blame her too much – any mom is gonna stick up for her child, so it’s only natural. Doesn’t make it right, though.

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Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Are Officially Divorced

gwyneth paltrow chris martin

Sure, they may be spending plenty of time together for the sake of their two children, make no mistake – Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are definitely still consciously uncoupled… and now it’s permanent. That’s right, their divorce is now a done deal and they’re both officially single.

From TMZ:

Sources connected with the couple tell us … Gwyneth and Chris have been using their business managers to hash out a settlement agreement involving both property and custody.

We’re told the agreement has been signed and the divorce is a done deal … all that’s left is for the paperwork to be filed and signed by the judge.

As for the terms of the deal … we’re told it will not be revealed in the divorce docs … it’s all part of a confidential settlement. But based on how they’ve gotten along since the split, it’s almost certain they’ll share joint custody of their 2 kids.

We’re told the divorce docs will cite irreconcilable differences, but it’s all very amicable.

Obviously it’s amicable – I think their marriage had drifted probably several years before they officially called it quits, and given that Gwyneth is known to have been having an affair during the latter years of their relationship, chances are they’d done their moving on before announcing it publicly.

Hopefully the kids are alright – and considering how cordial Goop and Chris have been with each other, I’m sure they will be. Plus, life is about to get ultra cool. After all, at least when they go to their dad’s house, he’ll let them have pepperoni pizza or something other than kale.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Fails At Being Poor, But Gives Herself C- Anyway

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Gwyneth Paltrow recently took on a challenge to live on the $29 weekly supplemental food assistance that many Americans receive to feed their families. She wanted to raise awareness about poor people in the US and thought it’d be a fun experiment to spend her own $29 on a dozen eggs, 7 limes and other shit that is not realistic whatsoever for the millions of families that actually utilize the SNAP program. But whatever! It’s not like she was ever going to stick to it anyway!

In a piece written for her decidedly not poor lifestyle site, Goop, Gwyn gave herself a hearty C- on the challenge, despite the fact that she quit four days in – an option I think is obvious is not available to the people actually living like this. But it’s not about Gwyneth! I mean, after all, she donated a whole lot of money to the Food Bank For New York City! What more do you people want?!

Dubious that I could complete the week, I donated to the Food Bank at the outset, and all of us at the goop office began the challenge. As I suspected, we only made it through about four days, when I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice). My perspective has been forever altered by how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious food on that budget, even for just a few days—a challenge that 47 million Americans face every day, week, and year. A few takeaways from the week were that vegetarian staples liked dried beans and rice go a long way—and we were able to come up with a few recipes on a super tight budget.

After trying to complete this challenge (I would give myself a C-), I am even more outraged that there is still not equal pay in the workplace. Sorry to go on a tangent, but many hardworking mothers are being asked to do the impossible: Feed their families on a budget which can only support food businesses that provide low-quality food. The food system in our beautiful country needs to be subjected to a heavy revision—it is a cyclical problem, with repercussions that we all feel. I’m not suggesting everyone eat organic food from some high horse in the sky. I’m saying everyone should be able to afford fresh, real food. And if women were paid an equal wage, families might have more of a choice in the grocery aisles, not to mention in the rest of their lives.

She then goes on an entire tangent about how this is really about women making more and how that would solve all the hunger problems in this country. Because, you know, every mother has got a job to begin with. And only women are head of households – it’s not like there are any single dads out there or anything who could also be struggling and need help. If she ever wanted to prove more than ever just how out of touch she is, this was a great exercise in doing just that.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Out To Dinner During $29 Food Stamp Challenge

gwyneth paltrow brad falchuk

You’ve probably heard by now that America’s most disconnected broad in history (and self-described “common woman”) Gwyneth Paltrow is taking part in the $29 food stamp challenge. Basically, the SNAP program, which provides government assistance for low income families to buy food, thinks $29 is enough to feed a family of 3 for an entire week. It’s absolute bullshit and we all know it – even buying stuff that is processed to high heavens and will ultimately kill your kids won’t get you through an entire week, so fuck that.

Anyway, Gwyneth wanted to draw attention to this very important cause by trying to feed herself and her two children on just $29. To start, she decided to go grocery shopping for the week, and here’s what she bought:

We won’t even get into how ridiculously stupid her shopping choices were, because of course Gwyneth thought 7 limes were in order when she only has $29 for a week. Never mind that there’s zero protein outside the eggs (and with 12 eggs between 3 people, that’s 4 eggs for an entire week, or less than one a day, so). But if this seems completely unrealistic, don’t worry – Gwyneth knows it is too, so she decided to ditch the experiment a few days in to go out to an expensive dinner with her new boyfriend Brad Falchuk.

From People:

The actress, 42, and the Glee co-creator, 44, dined at the L.A. restaurant Animal, which featured a barbecue-themed menu on Tuesday of pig ears, veal tongue and fried rabbit legs.

“They were sitting together, very cozy and romantic,” says the observer at the eatery. “He was totally rapt by everything she was saying. They were totally on a date.”

Well, if anyone is shocked at this news, I’ve got some more news for you: the earth is round and the sky is blue. Welcome to the land of “DUH!”

But hey, you can’t blame her. I’m sure poor people get sick of not having enough food all the time, so they just head out to a pricy restaurant for a $30-a-head dinner!

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Gwyneth Paltrow bought a sex store

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Gwyneth Paltrow is getting on the property ladder and has scooped up the legendary Hustler Hollywood store on the Sunset Strip. But don’t get too excited – Goop isn’t loosening up a bit to get closer to the “common woman”. She’s actually going to tear the whole thing down and redevelop it as a rich person’s club. As you do.

From TMZ:

Our real estate sources say Gwynnie and business partner Gary Landesberg scored the property from porn lord Larry Flynt.

Their plan is to build the Arts Clubs similar to the one in London and Aspen. The Club is Soho-esque, with a fancy restaurant (Zuma, one of the best in London), a nightclub/lounge, and artsy stuff like poetry readings and various events. The club prohibits swearing. You can’t bet inside, but you can plan backgammon, but only if there are no stakes. Of course, there’s a strict dress code.

The club is pricey … $2K to join the London franchise and $2k a year. The Sunset Strip club promises to be way more expensive.

Landesberg is the chairman and principal shareholder of the clubs. Gwyneth is an investor and a board member.

As for the Hustler, they’re slipping into a new spot close to the Kodak Theater.

Well, nothing says “I’m just like all of you!” than an expensive private club in the middle of Hollywood. Good going! Of course, this whole operation will make her even more money than she already has. I always wonder about celebrity greed. Does being filthy fucking rich automatically make you want ALL THE MONEY EVER CREATED? Is enough ever enough? It certainly doesn’t seem like it.

Gwyenth Paltrow: ‘I’m incredibly close to the common woman’

gwyneth paltrow CNN

Gwyenth Paltrow is about as detached from reality as you would expect a bajillionaire who thinks death is preferable to feeding her kids Cup-a-Soup and calls a $450 hand towel a “must have” for spring. In no way does she understand anything about how the 99% live in any way – but you can’t tell her that. No, Gwyneth thinks she’s “incredibly close to the “common woman”. The fact that she can use the phrase “common woman” tells you how untrue that actually is.

Hitting up CNNMoney on Monday, Gwyneth had the following to say about Goop and her approach to giving lifestyle advice:

“What we try to do at Goop is curate and to edit. We know that a woman’s time is her most precious resource and we want to multitask, get a lot done, and what we want to do is provide the best solutions,” she explained.

“I’m incredibly close to the common woman in that I’m a woman and I’m a mother and we all are in a physical body with beating hearts with compassion and love we are all seekers…we all want fulfillment, we all want to live our best lives. We want to be healthy and happy and squeeze the most we can out of life. I think that’s all women.”

I mean, look – she sounds… okay, I guess. I think she believes that she means well, which is both sad and obnoxious, because the amount of utter shite that comes out of her mouth is beyond belief. But then you think, she THINKS she’s being sincere. Doesn’t that kinda count for something? (No, no it doesn’t.)

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