If you’ll remember, last week Dina Lohan reported that Lindsay‘s Playboy shoot “went well.” That was nice to hear, it was encouraging and all, but you’d think that a good mom would be a little more descriptive about how her daughter’s first big foray into pornography is going. And friends, we all know that Dina Lohan does not disappoint in the “good mother” category, and so, without further adieu, here’s Dina’s Playboy update:

“It was an opportunity for her and she’s done thousands and thousands of covers, so this was just something…she’s 25 now. It was just something that was her decision…we have a contractual say in how far it goes and her and Mr. Hefner will decide … She’ll pick five covers, he’ll pick the one, but she has a say. I don’t want to get into the contract, but it will be tastefully done.”

Oh, for sure. It will be totally tasteful. No doubt. Those pictures of Lindsay looking so sultry with that come-hither stare that she does so well will be closer to art than pornography. And society will gaze at the photos for years to come and weep at the artistry, yes, but moreso at the unbelievably beautiful model that they see before them.

Can’t wait, girl!

The progenitors of the awfulness that is Lindsay Lohan have finally turned on their own creation, metaphorical pitchforks in hand.

Yesterday, dad Michael Lohan hopped aboard the “let’s talk about Lindsay’s need for orthodontic intervention” train by speculating, on television, that his daughter smokes crack. Michael “Mitch Winehouse” Lohan, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

But never one to be forgotten, Celebrity Mom Dina Lohan is jumping in on the anti-Lindsay action. How, you ask? By writing a tell-all Lindsay Lohan biography!

TMZ with a selection from the unpublished book’s prologue:

I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living—and it tore me up inside.

Gee. Dina didn’t seem to have a problem with Lindsay’s “way of living” last month. Or… um, ever.

Sorry. Let me make my serious face. OK, I’m wearing my serious face now. Tell us, Dina! Who do you blame for Lindsay’s self-destructive behavior? Oh, right, her friends. And her handlers. That’s interesting.

Y’know, a lot of girls in their twenties have friends. A chance few even have handlers. But Lindsay’s pattern of “indirect” suicidal behavior is a little bit more profound. Look harder, Dina.

You know what they say: when you point your finger, three fingers point right back at you.

Rumor Fix went and got these pictures from Dina Lohan‘s 49th birthday party, and … well, I’ll go ahead and let you guys decide what’s what. I’ll just let you know that that’s Dina on the left, Lindsay in the middle, and 15-year-old Cody, the littlest Lohan, on the right.

I was going to put a list of feelings that I got from this photo here, but I just can’t. There’s disgust and embarrassment and sympathy for poor Cody, but there’s also the Chinese food from last night threatening to make itself known again if I continue looking and thinking about this.

If you guys could just pick up where I left off, I’d be most obliged.

Image courtesy of Rumor Fix

Did you know that Dina Lohan wrote her very own script? Because she did! Her movie’s called Growing Defiant, and it’s “a hard look at the social pressures that can lead a kid in the wrong direction.” Oh, Lohans.

But you guys, the way that Dina is completely ripping off her own daughter’s life story isn’t even the best part! The best part is her “suggested cast list.” Ready?

According to the business plan, the actors she’ll go after include Dakota Fanning, Selena Gomez, Michael Cera, James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Tina Fey, Amanda Seyfried, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Stone, and Mila Kunis … oh, and Michael Lohan, Jr. in the starring role of a heroin addict.

Impressive, right? But just so you don’t lose any sleep over it, little Junior is already signed. One down, the most delusional cast list ever to go! The only way she could get even a couple of these actors is if the movie was also about a holiday and, even then, she’d probably have to have at least a little talent to get things going, right?

Poor, poor Dina Lohan. But on the plus side, look at how much better she looks than Lindsay! That’s got to count for something!

This is Dina Lohan. She gave birth to our number one girl, Lindsay, and also a couple of other less important Lohans. She’s 48 years old. And she looks loads better than her most famous child.

From what I can tell, these pictures are from this medieval-themed party in the Hamptons. Dina’s the producer of some new show on Bravo, and apparently she co-hosted this party? I don’t know, the details are a little muddled to me, but I don’t think it matters since there’s a sex dungeon involved:

Dina Lohan played Queen of the Hamptons Saturday night at the 15,000-square-foot Watermill castle of billionaire playboy Ivan Wilzig. In a medieval-style flowing dress, and a flowered veil, Lindsay Lohan’s mom even had a cadre of identically dressed young ladies-in-waiting who sat at her feet as she held court and flirted with Wilzig, a k a “Sir Ivan,” at his annual regally themed bash. When a young party girl who’d taken the dress code for the fete less seriously passed, Queen Dina barked, “That’s not very medieval!”

Later, a Page Six reporter uncovered a hidden gem in the castle: a black room with a large swing chained to the ceiling, a cage with handcuffs, shackles and a slew of giant, stuffed bunnies. It seems the chamber is reserved for anointed subjects. “Only the talent can come in here,” a staffer told us. When we asked where the talent was, he replied they were “coming later.” Egads! Guests at the party included “The Book of Mormon” creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Yeah, if you can decipher any of that, more power to you, friend. Mostly all I care about is how hilarious it is that Dina looks scorching hot next to her daughter and that she was almost definitely some kinky S&M mistress for Bravo.

Happy Mother’s Day, moms!  Way to pop them kids out and raise ‘em right!  In honor of all you guys, I’m going to share a few words on the art of motherhood from the creator of one of America’s greatest train wrecks.  Hey, it’s never too late to learn something new, am I right?  All right, let’s let Dina drop some knowledge:

On Being a Single Mom: “The secret to single parenting is to just teach them what you can teach them … And you pray that instills in them for the rest of their life. You let them go, and if they fall, you’re there to pick them up.”

On Discipline: “The boys got into more mischief. Lindsay, I’m trying to think… she was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer.”

On Being in the Spotlight: “No child’s perfect. They’re going to get into trouble, whether it’s big or small. Unfortunately, we’re a global name so they know about it in Indonesia. But just be there for your child, and if you see signs that they’re doing things they shouldn’t be doing, get them help.”

I could try to get into some serious discussion like I did yesterday about to what degree, if at all, a parent is responsible for her child’s fuck ups, or even some nature vs. nurture talk, but it’s early and it’s a holiday, so just let this all sink in and then call your mom, all right?