14Lindsay Lohan’s Parents Are Each Writing Memoirs

Image via NY Daily News

Lindsay Lohan’s parents have to be competing in some sort of “worst parent ever” contest. Mother Dina is working on a memoir that reveals how awful her husband, Michael Lohan/Lindsay’s father is. And Michael is writing a memoir about how awful Dina is. And Lindsay is stuck in the middle getting Botox.

Though it seemed like Dina told all when she appeared in a, shall we say, unfocused state on Dr. Phil’s show in September of 2012, she apparently has more to tell. She’s accused her ex husband of physical, mental and sexual abuse. Michael is saying that Dina is lying, and he’ll be sure to tell us all about it in his book tentatively titled, I Am Not Daddy Dearest…If I Can Turn It All Around, So Can You!. Brought to you by The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Seriously though, that really is the title of the book. I can only assume Dina’s will be titled Life Struggles with Dina “I’m Not A Regular Mom I’m A Cool Mom” Lohan.

This has to be embarrassing for Lindsay, but then again, if Lindsay isn’t going to do any work on paying off her insane debts, somebody’s got to make money somehow. Ha, just kidding, these books aren’t going to sell.

Do you think either book is going to be popular? Is there anything they could say that we don’t know already? And how do you feel about Lindsay stuck in all of this?

February 11, 2013 at 5:30 am by Catherine St. Ives

4Also, Lindsay and Dina Couldn’t Get a Hotel Room Last Night Because They’re Dirty

Well, I don’t exactly know if it’s because they’re dirty, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that’s the case.

From TMZ:

It was a rough night for Lindsay Lohan and mama Dina …. first, flying to L.A. to dodge an arrest warrant and landing after midnight …. then getting rejected by a swanky hotel … and TMZ has learned they were BLACKBALLED.

Lindsay and Dina showed up at Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica (see video) at around 1 AM Wednesday. Lindsay stayed in the car while Dina went inside to check in, but she was unceremoniously turned away. Sources at Shutters tell TMZ they put Lindsay on a blacklist after she allegedly trashed one of their rooms in 2007.

Lindsay and Dina then went up the road a piece, to the Loews Hotel where they were also turned away. Management tells TMZ … there were no rooms available.

First of all, turned away by Shutters on hearing-eve? I don’t know if any of you guys have ever been there, but Shutters, undeniably a really great resort, only charges a mere $2400.00 a night for an ocean view suite, which, to me, is a lot of money to be spending in one night, but to a celebrity who’s got disposable cash and assets? A f-cking drop in the bucket. For Lindsay, though? Like me, it’s also a lot of money to be spending in one night, especially when it one night in the suite amounts to a quarter of a month’s rent—which Lindsay still can’t pay. It’s no wonder she was turned away—I doubt that it really had anything to do with a prior room-trash (because duh, that was totally six years ago when Lindsay was young and stupid and … oh wait), and I’m sure it had all to do with the fact that Lindsay’s worth nothing these days. That seems like a good assumption to make. Or at least a fun one, anyway.

January 30, 2013 at 9:30 am by Sarah

4Dina Lohan: “Lindsay Lohan is Effed in the Head Because Michael Lohan is Effed in the Head.”

From the New York Daily News:

“Michael beat the hell out of me,” Dina said, of the 1986 incident memorialized in a family snapshot of the young mother holding her baby girl — Lindsay — while sporting a huge purple bruise under her right eye.

“When Lindsay saw the photo, she was furious,” said Dina. “She said, ‘Tell the world! Talk about it!’ ”

According to Dina, Lindsay was affected by all that she saw as a child — and she’s not to blame for her faltering career or oddball antics.

“She saw a lot of crazy stuff. I want the world to know the root of her problems…”

“Lindsay saw all the beatings and all the abuse. She said, ‘Stay, mommy, don’t leave,’ ” said Dina.

Recently, Dina said, her adult daughter expressed regret for those words.

“She said, ‘I’m so sorry for making you stay.’ But I didn’t stay for Lindsay — I wanted all my kids to be happy … Like many victims of domestic violence and rape, I was embarrassed and afraid. I was very young … I thought I could keep fixing him,” Dina said. She said she came forward now to “set the record straight. I need to make the world aware that Lindsay is messed up because her father is messed up.”

Michael said he believes Dina is seeking cover from criticism of her own parenting decisions.

“She’s bringing this up now because she’s drinking and partying with Lindsay. And she keeps robbing Lindsay,” he said, claiming that his actress daughter is his ex-wife’s main source of income. “She is the devil.”

You know, I believe it. All of it, actually. I believe that Dina is the devil, because duh, Dina is definitely the devil. But I also believe that Michael Lohan might be the devil, too, because any man who’d kick a woman in the ladybits is definitely a bit on the devilish side, as well. Lindsay Lohan? Definitely the devil. Anyone who can drink that much and not die has just got to be the devil.

The top photo is courtesy of our friends at E! Online, and they’ve actually got a whole flipping gallery of Dina Lohan modeling her bruised face. Good thing she sat on those physical abuse incidents all those years only to release the photos almost three decades later. You should probably check them out—they’re here—because in the photos, you can really see where Lindsay got her looks. Eek.

January 8, 2013 at 7:30 am by Sarah

3A Real Lohan Holiday

Oh guys. Just when we thought ‘Lohan Holiday’ was a thing of the past, we were treated to this extra-special photo of Lindsay and all of the Lohans, minus one adult Michael Lohan.

As you can see, Lindsay Lohan spent Christmas with her mother, Dina Lohan, her brothers (Michael Jr. and Cody) and sister (Ali), and what’s that I see? Did Lindsay get her old teeth back for Christmas? Because it sure looks like Lindsay got her old teeth back for Christmas. How fun.

In case you didn’t happen to know the who’s who of the Lohan family, I’ve got it on lockdown for you: from left to right—Ali Lohan, Cody Lohan, Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Grandma Not-Lohan, and last, but not least, Michael Lohan Jr.

Isn’t this just a gem of a photo, guys?

Image courtesy of TMZ

December 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah

2Quotables: More Lohan Family Fun Courtesy of Dina Lohan

[Lindsay] came clean and told the truth that she lied. I hate cocaine. I don’t do cocaine. We were having an argument, it escalated, and she, in her weakest moment called someone. She called [her father] and he recorded the conversation. She just wanted to hurt me at that moment. You know, mothers [and] daughters, we fight. I’m so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I mean, I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was, and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I’m very proud of her for that, which is very difficult to have to do.

—Dina Lohan on Lindsay’s persistent lying about things that could impact people’s lives in a very negative way, including her own. That’s just lovely. You know, I don’t even know where to start with this family. It’s like they were all hit upside the head with the Magic Stick of F-cking Moron, and no, that’s not a clever nickname for Draco Malfoy’s penis*.

Also, I didn’t even realize that Lindsay Lohan *had* come out and pretty much recanted her entire story. In fact, weren’t there bits of it earlier last month that were confirmed to be totally true? Like the part about them fighting about money? Isn’t this what this family does best—air real, live dirty laundry for all the world to hear? And the part about “I hate cocaine”? Well. The only thing I have to say about that is this:

*Oh, and about that random, obscene ‘Harry Potter‘ reference—I decided the other day that it was high time to reread the ‘HP’ series for the twenty-sixth time in my life (no exaggeration), so I’ve got a bit of wizardry on my mind, OK? Cut a girl a break.

November 15, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

1Lindsay and Dina’s Fight Was Over Money

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan was telling the truth when she said her mom was on the verge of losing her house …and Dina Lohan is not out of the woods yet … TMZ has learned.

According to court docs obtained by TMZ … JPMorgan Chase Bank filed documents in 2010 to foreclose on Dina’s Long Island home because she had fallen behind on payments.

Now here’s where it gets interesting …The bank and Dina cut some sort of deal in which mama Lohan agreed to a new payment agreement that would prevent her home from going on the auction block.

Sources close to Lindsay tell us … Dina didn’t ante up on her own — she got money from Lindsay to make the payments.

We’re told Lindsay made payments that helped Dina dig out of the hole, but recently she fell behind again and Lindsay had to give her MORE bailout money — $40,000.  And that’s the 40 grand that Lindsay and her mom were arguing over when things erupted in the limo early Wednesday.

One final thing.  We’re told Dina withdrew lots of other money from the Bank of Lindsay, including money to help pay for her kid brother’s tuition.

During that 911 call, Dina also told Lindsay that lovable line, “you’re dead to me,” and Dina had also had at least four glasses of wine (is that a big deal?) and no dinner when they had their fight. But a few hours after the police came to Dina’s house, they were photographed hugging as Lindsay left, so I guess things are back to ok in the dysfunctional house of Lohan.

So what does Dina do that she needs Lindsay to give her all this money? I realize that Michael Lohan isn’t all that great at making child support payments, and it must not be cheap to be a single mother living in New York, but wouldn’t she have made a good amount of money from all those interviews she’s given about Lindsay? Isn’t she supposed to be doing a number of reality shows? I’m all for helping out a loved one when she’s in need, but come on, Dina.

October 11, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily