Today's Evil Beet Gossip

See You Next Time

I’m not even sure how to go about writing my last EvilBeet post ever, but I figured I’d kick it off with an embedded YouTube video of a song that’s brought me a lot of happiness in my lifetime, especially while I was drunk. It’s Friday, you know? Let’s not overlook that in an attempt to make this more than it is.

The last few years working for EvilBeet has been a complete pleasure. When I first started here, Lady Gaga wasn’t even a thing. She was just some topless NYC lounge singer. Pretty wild to think about a time before Gaga, huh? But that’s how long it’s been.

I’m still legally obligated to keep my big mouth shut about my new job (but I hope that when I can share this news that you’re updated. You know, if you care) but I’m terribly excited to start a new chapter of my life while also being incredibly sad to leave you all. I don’t think you’re worried, but if you are, you’re in very good hands here with Sarah and Emily. Their work always made my day brighter and challenged me to improve mine on days when I’d had it up to my hair follicles with the gossip grind.

I loved you all, even if you didn’t love me at times. I appreciate any eyes that look at my writing and evilbeetdouche, my favorite commenter (I can say that now because I no longer work here), you crack my shit up on the daily. Keep doing you.

If you want to keep up with me, feel free to do so on my blog, my Twitter or my new website, HelloGiggles.

Oh Snap! Why Does Ben Affleck Have a Black Eye and What Does It Have To Do With Blake Lively?

Picture of Ben Affleck with a Black Eye

Ben Affleck was photographed out in Los Angeles with his wifey yesterday and yo! People are immediately jumping to the conclusion that the mark is a result of the Blake Lively nudes being released.

People have been saying for awhile that there’s a chance Ben and Blake got their swerve on while filming The Town, and now that those nudes are floating around everywhere and Blake’s totally sporting the same fake tatts in them that she did in the movie, it makes even more sense. Yeah, her rep claims the photos are fake, but a lot of reps are fake, too. If you asked me, I’d say those pictures are the real deal.

Here’s what I wanna know: Did Jennifer Garner lay that thing on him? Because if so, that is tight! I knew she used to do a lot of her own stunts back in her Alias days, but punching her man in the eye for boning the town floozy while he was on location? That’s gangster.

Gisele Bündchen Gives Us Another Reason to Totally Hate Her

Okay, not “hate her” hate her, but like, “Girl, you are one of the most beautiful women in the world, you’re married to Tom Brady and now Forbes is saying you’re on track to be the first billionaire model? I hate you.”

Between her high-end endorsement deals, eco-friendly clothing and jewelry line and countless modeling gigs over the year, Gisele Bündchen has made a pretty penny by just working hard. Forbes also cites her investment in pricey real estate as one of the many assets that will keep her wealthy long after she’s not a full-time mugger.

I wonder how Tyra “Bankable Productions” Banks feels about this news. I’m guessing there’s not a smize in sight today over at her place.

Kelsey Grammer’s Insane Custody Request

Picture of Kelsey Grammer and his Son Mason with Ex-Wife Camille [PHOTOS]

As we all know, Kelsey and Camille Grammer are dunzo, but what’s going to happen to their two young children? If Kelsey has his way, it’s going to be one of the most untraditional (in a totally bad way) custody agreements I’ve ever heard of.

Camille said publicly that Kelsey seemed to be interested in splitting their two children up, with him taking their 6-year-old son to live in Chicago and leaving his 9-year-old daughter behind in California. While Kelsey initially denied that he ever said this (because who in their right mind would publicly admit to favoring one of his children and leaving the other behind to live with her mother) but now there’s legal proof that this is the arrangement Kelsey’s hoping for.

From TMZ:

The letter, dated April 29, 2011, says “Kelsey proposes … Kelsey shall have primary physical custody of Jude and Camille shall have primary physical custody of Mason.”  The letter says Kelsey wants to enroll 6-year-old Jude in a Chicago school.

So there you have it. Frasier is an asshole and I’d like to start a pool on when we think young Mason is going to wind up in the slammer for the first time. I’m guessing like, 3 weeks before his 18th birthday? Drug charges, perhaps?

Was Joe Jonas Too Fat to Play Spiderman?

This video of a Paramount exec calling up Joe Jonas to tell him that he didn’t land the role of Spiderman due to his set of particularly thick thighs has been floating around the ‘nets today, and while I don’t think it’s real (just a very good impression), I can’t help but laugh knowing that this is exactly how such matters are handled in this town.

Well, it’s actually not exactly how they’d be handled. Normally a call like this would go to a manager and then the manager would have to break the news to their client that they’re a little too bottom heavy to make the cut, but the passive-aggressive tone? The semi-ass kissing? The “I’m too busy for this but hey! It’s Joe Jonas!” attitude? Oh, that is SO VERY Hollywood.

Let’s just celebrate the idea that we may have gotten the Gift of Garfield because a certain JoBro hasn’t been doing his squats, okay?

Katy Perry Has Figured Out Another Way to Ruin Our Lives

Photo of Katy Perry and Her High Ponytail

So apparently Katy Perry wants to get into acting and is being considered for a role in her hubby’s newest flick where she’d be playing– wait for it– his wife. Wowza, Katy. Way to stretch yourself for your first role. Some actresses would have made the “mistake” of playing a character with depth, one that totally pulls them away from their public image, but you, girl… You’re just different.

Her acting is going to be a shitshow. I’ve been saying for years that her overly dramatic facial expressions need to go. It’s as if she went to the Jenny McCarthy School of Actoring (yes, actoring) with those wide eyes and opened mouth and hiccup-y vocals. I rarely say such things about another woman, but the girl needs to calm down. That stuff will never translate to the big screen because a movie’s not a high school play and we’re not sitting in the cheap seats.

Here’s hoping she and her furry husband can hire her an acting coach. Maybe they can hire her handlers a tutor while they’re throwing money at bettering themselves.

Is Violet Affleck My Spirit Animal?

Photo of Violet Affleck at the Librabry With Her Mom

So I’m pretty obsessed with these photos of Violet Affleck leaving the Santa Monica library with her famous mom yesterday because this little gremlin reminds me of someone very special: Me.

The glasses, the whole “sticking library books in her mouth” thing, the spastic arm and leg movements mid-walk. Yeah, all of that looks very familiar to this lady over here and honestly, God bless her. She’s probably going to grow up to be a wonderful woman.

But all of that self-centered shit aside, doesn’t she remind you of one of Amy Poehler’s best SNL characters ever? Jennifer Garner is totally the best mom in the world.