Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Kate Upton: Fatty Fatty Boombalatty

A photo of Kate Upton

That’s a photo of very popular model Kate Upton in Sports Illustrated earlier this year, but what I want to know is how the photographers managed to get a bikini on this cow, AM I RIGHT?! It’s like “stop grazing, Kate, it’s time to take some pictures!” And just because we all know how much editing goes into magazine shoots these days, here’s another picture of Kate, just out and about all the town:

A photo of Kate Upton

I can’t believe she even fit in the frame! LOL!

But really, there are people who are saying these sorts of things. There are people who think that Kate Upton is fat. Kate Upton, one of the hottest new ladies in the business. Kate Upton, the gorgeous girl who you can see in those pictures up there. People think she’s, like Jennifer Lawrence fat. Ugh.

The story comes from a lovely little gossip blog called Skinny Gossip. The site claims to be “pro-skinny,” not pro-anorexia, and they have such charming articles as “Fat Pride Burns My Hyde,” and a review of Lindsay Lohan’s Marilyn Monroe Playboy shoot where they say that Lindsay looked “downright fat,” and yeah, Marilyn Monroe was curvy, but “she wasn’t this fat.” And the first comment on that particular story? “She looks vile. I’m guessing she currently weighs 120 pounds.” That’s the kind of crazy we’re dealing with here.

I’m not going to post their whole story about Kate Upton because I can’t roll my eyes any harder than I already am, but here’s a good excerpt:

Huge thighs, NO waist, big fat floppy boobs, terrible body definition – she looks like a squishy brick. Is this what American women are “striving” for now? The lazy, lardy look? Have we really gotten so fat in this country that Kate is the best we can aim for? Sorry, but: eww!

The sudden surge in fame for Kate Upton makes me wonder how much further our plus-sized fixation is going to go. It’s not that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was ever high art, but thanks to Kate Upton securing this year’s cover, it’s now barely a notch above Playboy.

Fashion is supposed to be aspirational – and the kind of people who aspire to look like this shop for clothes at Wal-Mart.

The author also posts a picture of Kate at a fashion show, “confidently lumbering up a runway like there’s a buffet at the end of it,” and she commends her on her bravery.  Like Kate Upton is such a f-cking cow that she really deserves a pat on the back for even trying to be a model.  And speaking of cows, the author also posted a picture of Kate in an ad she did for Carl’s Jr. eating a hamburger with the comment “I thought cannibalism was illegal?!?”  Snap.

As you can imagine, shit has kind of hit the fan over this whole thing, because what is the deal with seeing a curvy celebrity and yelling “EW, GROSS, FAT”? It’s really sad to see so many people fixate on this kind of thing when they could be discussing much more important things like the new healthcare bill or Katie and Tom’s divorce. It would be sad anyway, but it’s extra sad because of the added delusion of all these people who think that Kate Upton is fat. I mean, honestly.

But since the shit has hit the fan, the author has pointed people to her declaration of “no really, this isn’t a pro-anorexia site, we just talk about huge fatties like Kate Upton and Lindsay Lohan and share tips on starving ourselves (no really, the site has a “Starvation Tip of the Day.” Here’s my favorite bit from that:

As a thin person, I was also annoyed by our double-standards around weight. For example, people think nothing of telling a thin woman – to their face, in front of an entire group of people – how skinny they are and even to suggest what they should eat. But I’ve never seen the reverse happen to an overweight woman.

OMG, for real, right? There’s such a double standard about weight when it comes to women. People are always so mean to thin women and so incredibly nice to fat women! The injustice is just overwhelming!

Let’s all just make an effort to be nice to everyone today, all right? Even ol’ fatty fatty two-by-four (can’t fit through the kitchen door), Kate Upton. Sound good?

34 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Man, if that site is for real, there are some seriously sick fucks out there…

    Maybe the author is just trying to generate attention… Do I dare check this site out???

    Naw, that would only be feeding into their sick little game….

  • Oh man, I am practically rolling on the floor with laughter over here. “Fatty fatty two-by-four”?

  • Article is probably written by one of those women who drink their own urine for “nutritional benefits”.

      • Oy. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like a cat with a ball of yarn.

        Semen contains 6 calories per teaspoon. Since a typical ejaculation contains 1 teaspoon of fluid; and there are 48 teaspoons in a cup; a cup of jizz = 288 calories.

        In that cup would be 7.2 g of protein, 520 mg of sugar (fructose), 288 mg of fat, 144 mg of cholesterol, 336% USDA of potassium, 144% USDA of Copper and Zinc. That cup also contains as much vitamin C as 48 oranges. From that, we can guess that this cup contains 3.36 g of vitamin C.

        Given that Kate’s weight is around 100 lbs, I’d guess she’d need around 1000 kcal to wander around. To lose weight, she’d have to decrement this by 3500 kcal per week; so she’d have to consume 500 kcal per day without exercise.

        Given that a cup contains 288 calories, she’d need 1.74 cups or 83 sexy-times worth of goodies to stay running per day.

        So, she could, in fact lose weight on a jizz diet although she’d need to take vitamins to supplement loss from ordinary food.

        Considering that a top-end porn star (nationally known) charges around $500 / blow job, she could also make $41500 per day or $5k / hour if she really worked at it. But, she would have to pop 1 guy EVERY FIVE MINUTES for 8 hours straight …

        Also, since she made “just” 200k for filming PotC 1, she would easily beat this salary in a few days.

        *pulls off lab gloves, coat, and goggles*
        *wanders off to wash hands*

      • LOL @ CranAppleSnapple

        Let me save you the co-pay.

        That’s the AVERAGE. The range is in between 0.1 mil and 15 ml.

        Abstaining from sex (obviously) increases the amount available. Not to mention the volume is effected by how hydrated one is.

        If you’re looking for something that’ll raise the hair on your head, go research Post-Orgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS). If there is a devil and he’s an illness, this is it.

  • I hate that I am commenting on this thread at all, because rationalizing what crazy people say will only encourage them…but I do agree on one SMALL (SMALL) part of this article. I am fairly slim and within the medically appropriate range for my height and bone structure. I am not tall, and not busty, this is groundwork to explain that I am not a willowy woman, just overall small. People have come up to me at baby showers or work parties and said out of the blue ‘eat something why don’t you!’ or even the ever charming ‘real woman aren’t a size Two! Real woman are (listing curvy, big breasted, size X, Y, Z ect).
    As though I am not a real woman because I don’t fit that ideal. I hate that anyone feels free to comment on someone’s weight or perception of diet. I mean there is something wrong with the world when we put so much emphasis on size in either direction. We societally overcompensate for poor body image ideals on either side of the spectrum. I have never gone up to another person and commented on what the would or would not put in their mouth; I’ve never understood why any aspect of this behavior is deemed acceptable.

    • Oh, I totally agree. I hate the “real woman” thing too. All women are real women. It’s just super strange to me that anyone would think there’s a double standard that’s actually in favor of fat women. All women have it hard when it comes to public commentary on their bodies, but to think that no one ever tells fat women about what and how they should eat is just not right.

    • When I was slim (not recently) my mother and sister both called me a skinny bitch all the time, with undisguised venom.
      Recently I was at a funeral, and a total stranger gave me this total look of disgust for being my cuddly round self.
      My point is, god I hate people.

      • I forgot, when I turned 30 my brother in law snapped “Good luck staying thin now!” I guess my sister had been longing for my metabolism to slow down. Yikes.

      • Ugh, I know, right? I actually got Pretty Womaned in a store a couple of weeks ago. There’s this new boutique here with all these adorable dresses in the window, so I went in to check it out. One of the women who worked there looked me up and down and asked me if she could help me with anything, and when I asked if they carried any plus sizes, she said “No, we don’t have anything that would be big eno- … We don’t have anything for you here.” Bitch was going to say they didn’t have anything big enough in their whole store for me. Which was a shame, because they had some really cute shoes, but I guess she could tell my big ol’ fatass feet wouldn’t fit them.

        So yeah, the hatred for people is definitely understood and seconded!

      • What a c*nt.

        I got that a jewellery store, Emily!
        I went to get my wedding ring appraised for insurance, and the woman says “Does that ring even FIT your finger?”
        That one made me laugh because it was dripping with shade. :D

      • Wow. Yeah. Those do suck.

        Men’d just punch each other.

        I’d have beat the snot out of someone saying that to my face.

        I’d also have to say something to someone that said that near me as well. That kind of rudeness has no place in society.

        Don’t hate people though. They’re just unsophisticated and boorish. Way worse than anything THEY perceive is wrong outside. They’re just externalizing how low their self-esteem is.

        You should feel sorry for them. How unhappy they must be.

      • People are just so super judgemental! It seems to make some people feel better to put others down, but we all know this. It doesn’t make you or I feel any better when someone is laying their judgement down on you, but somewhere deep inside themselves, there’s something not right. Hold your head high and know that you’re better than all of that superficial crap! I mean really, there’s too little time in this life for us to go on beating each other up over such superficiality! And when we buy into this shit, we’re just teaching the next generation that it’s okay to pay lip service to this nonsense. What we need to be doing is teaching by example. By showing others that we love ourselves no matter how we look. By being happy with who we are no matter how we look. By being happy with what we see in the mirror because it is who we are, and nobody has the right to make you feel less about yourself in any way, shape, or form! Don’t give them that power over you, ever! They obviously don’t deserve it!

        On a side note: Anyone remember the old cult classic Twilight Zone episode called “The Eye of the Beholder”? It kinds reminds me of this conversation. It’s worth watching if you’ve never seen it.

        Peace and Love, people.

  • On both sides of the coin it’s painful to be made fun of, but being fat I’d say gets you made fun of more often and it’s more hateful. I’d like to know who this Skinny site considers body perfect.

    • Let’s see, Katy Perry “is the kind of body the fat movement should be celebrating if they had any brains,” Selena Gomez “has a bit of stomach rolls and her legs are kinda chunky,” Anne Hathaway “could do with losing a few pounds,” Taylor Swift isn’t skinny, and when Lady Gaga was a reported 95 pounds, they said that 95 pounds at her height of 5’2″ isn’t really that skinny, but if she was three inches taller, then it’d probably work out.

      Victoria Beckham is “perfect thinspo,” but she needs smaller boobs. Angelina Jolie is ok, and LeAnn Rimes looks great. It seems like they always equate larger breasts with being fat, too.

      Also, they absolutely HATE Adele. What even is that?

  • Ugh. I just popped over to Skinny Gossip and read a few things. I wish there was a way to kill the whole site with fire. The comment section is even worse than the articles themselves. Anytime ANYONE criticizes the horrible, nasty things being said about average-looking women (or, in the minds of the site moderator, human cows), the site’s devotees leap on that person and reply with things like, “Why don’t you take your stupidity elsewhere, fatty?” It’s like watching idiotic grade school children taunt each other on the playground. I am a naturally thin person and teeter toward underweight on the BMI scale (which is not at all a good indicator of health, or, in most cases, how “fat” a person may actually be), and this sort of shite pisses me off to to end. Fat shaming needs to end anyway, but what that site promotes goes way beyond the “norm” for such behavior. Some of the women they are calling out for being “fat,” “obese,” and “overweight” are not only NOT fat, but statistically normal, and probably medically healthier than most of the girls posting on the forums. (The site runner herself claims to be 5’7″ and strives to remain around 100 lbs., which is both dangerous and clearly not where her body wants to be if she has to actively attempt to remain at that weight.) Ugh. I’m so angry at those people. I’m going to go eat some cake now.

  • She does have a weirdly short torso, so her waist is high and her hips start really early, making a weird round middle bit. She’s definitely not fat, though! :)

  • Kate Upton does appear to have some weight issues as it is reported that she needed a starvation diet before doing her SI bikini stint. That’s probably true for all the models. Kate’s legs lack athletic tone but she does have a decent personality.

  • Did it occur to anyone that Kate Upton JUST TURNED 20? If she has any fat at all, it’s baby fat. ‘Cause she’s practically a baby. ‘Cause she’s 20 years old. Twenty. Whose body is the same at 20 as it was at 16? Whose body is the same at 20 as it will be at 23 or 24?

    Ladies, if any of you are as fat as Kate Upton…call me. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

  • I bet that 99% of the insane people who would say Kate Upton is fat are women, and possibly gay men. God girls fucking hate on each other.

    Attention women. You’ll never hear a guy talking about how hot Gweneth Paltrow is, although she is crazy beautiful to a lot of girls. You know what, I’m quitting now. This will turn into a rant and I need to go to bed.

  • I think we should start calling skinny girls “slight” like they did in the 50s. Because slight girls only slightly hold my interest while curvy girls like Kate Upton I find mesmerizing. Just saying

    • Sorry Jess, but Upton’s wide midsection is as “curvy” as a refrigerator and her legs are rail thin.

      Even “skinny” VS models have real curvy bodies and meat on their legs. Upton just has a really weird body, weight be damned.

  • I think it is a little much to call her “fat”. She is most definitley not “fat”. In my opinion her body is not the hottest body i’v seen, I agree that she really doesn’t have a waist and her body does look out of preportion. BUT, I would rather have a body like hers over being stick thin. I think the only reason she’s in sports illustrated is because she has a very pretty face and big boobs.

  • She’s hardly fat, but she does have the weirdest body I’ve ever seen on a swimsuit model.