Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Love It or Leave It: Jessica Biel Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop

A photo of Jessica Biel

I hurt myself a lot. I’m not the most coordinated person, and my balance has never been all that great. I fall down, I run into things. Right now I have at least five scrapes and bruises on my legs and arms with no real idea of where they came from. Another thing about me is that I’m really into accessorizing. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise when I tell you that I have an extensive collection of cute band-aids.

You guys. This one time, I got a bunch of Lisa Frank band-aids in a collectible tin, and it even came with stickers! The band-aids themselves weren’t that awesome, but there were some that were shaped like butterflies, so you really have to choose your battles, you know?

But why am I telling you all this? I’m telling you because dumb ol’ Jessica Biel‘s dress looks like a bunch of Lisa Frank band-aids stitched together. But not in a neat way, like it was done by someone who just got their first sewing machine and they think “piece of cake, I can totally make all the clothes!” but then they get done making their first “dress” and they realize that some of the pieces got sewn on backwards and all of the stitching is crooked and also they left a big hole in the belly.

Here’s what I’m wondering though: wouldn’t it be really awkward to keep promoting a film so hard when everyone is saying that it’s terrible? Because according to Jessica’s Twitter, she’s still in Berlin (where this photo was taken), promoting Total Recall, and according to everyone ever, Total Recall is a pretty shitty movie. As an actor, do you just have to soldier on and pretend that you haven’t heard any negative reviews? Would it be even more awkward to just be like “well, we tried, but it looks like it’s time to throw in the towel” and stop promoting altogether?

I only know one thing for sure: Jessica Biel is so, so bad at fashion.

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