Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Caption This: Keanu Reeves Is Dead Inside

A photo of Keanu Reeves

Like Michael Lohan and Joe Francis before him, it looks like Keanu Reeves has joined the ranks of the Crazy Eyes, that elite task force of dicks and douchebags alike.  I’m not sure when it happened – it seems like only yesterday he was being a harmlessly horrible actor and starring in a hilarious meme – but that doesn’t matter now.  Keanu has lost his soul, and there’s nothing that can be done about that.

I’ll tell you my story of Soulless Keanu, just for the sake of solidarity.  I was browsing through potential pictures to show you guys, keeping an eye on the “Bridezillas” marathon while I did so, and then I saw the unmistakable form of Keanu in a thumbnail. Feeling a strange sense of dread and fear, I opened the picture, and all of my happiness and joy was sucked out of me into the vacuum that is Keanu’s stare. And I faltered for a moment, I did, but then I remembered my duties, and here we are.  Don’t ever say I never warned you about the demons gathering around us.

Feel free to share your story in the comments.  This is a safe place.

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  • Reeves’ life has had its share of tragedy. His sister Kim is battling leukemia, and Reeves has reportedly spent in excess of $5 million on her medical care. He has long been estranged from his natural father, who served a prison term for selling heroin. He dated a backstage Hollywood worker, Jennifer Syme, who bore his stillborn daughter in 1999. They broke up but remained friends, until she was killed in a 2001 car accident.

    During his long career, Reeves has occasionally disappeared from Hollywood for a year at a time, and he turned down a $12 million offer for Speed 2 to do Shakespeare on stage in a small Canadian theater. He is famously generous with his money, lavishing large gifts on charities and for his movies’ backstage workers. A Buddhist and a pacifist, he opposes war on principle, and has turned down several films because the part seemed too violent.