6Dean McDermott is the Best Dad Ever

No, seriously. Dean McDermott is the best dad ever.

From Dean’s blog:

An Open Letter To My New Baby,

Well it’s the night before your entrance into this crazy, whacky, amazing world full of joy, good times, bad times, love, loss, friends and foes – and that’s just your brothers and sisters! They’re always full of love, laughter and energy. Quite frankly they’re absolutely bonkers too, but you’re going to love them. Mom and Dad are a bit kooky too – that’s just how we roll. Not to worry though, we’ll grow on you after a while. So strap on your onesie, because it’s going to be a wild ride.

I’ve watched you grow in your mom’s belly for the last 37 weeks. You started off as just a little tiny bump, and now you’re this incredible little being that I see move and kick and literally sit up in mama’s belly. I wonder what you’re going to look like, what your little voice is going to sound like, what kind of personality are you going to have. Will you be the sensitive one? The rocket scientist? The athlete? The president? Most of all, I’m wondering what flavor you are – if you’re a boy or a girl? Like your sister Hattie we decided we wanted to be surprised (again) as to what sex you’re going to be. It was the most amazing surprise, when Dr. Jason held up your sister and declared, “It’s a girl!” I mean, when will you ever experience a surprise of that magnitude ever again? Well . . . tomorrow to be exact, and I can’t wait to see you, and hold you, and tell you I love you. I can’t wait to snuggle and take naps with you. I can’t wait to tell you that I will protect you and care for you every minute of every day. For the rest of your life.

I can’t wait to encourage you, and tell you that you’re the most amazing person in the world, and that you can do anything or be anything you want to be. I’ll be there for your first tears, your first bump and bruise. I’ll be there for your first steps, your first words, and your first day at school. I’ll be there for your first broken heart, your first award, your first car, I’ll be there for your wedding day, and I’ll be there for your firstborn.

I’ll be there first. For you. With all my love and devotion, I will fight tooth and nail to give you the wonderful life you deserve. Because you have made my life wonderful beyond my dreams by being my child, a little angel that has found your mother and I and blessed our lives with beauty and grace. I will give you my last breath, as you have given me my first.

I love you. See you soon.

Dad oxoxo

Oh man. Too early in the day for tears, even if they are happy, admiration-tears.

Also, Dean McDermott is Tori Spelling‘s husband, in case you didn’t remember.

And speaking of Tori Spelling, it’s really good to know that girlfriend has actually got a real man in her corner, as opposed to a smarmy piece of shit who loves nothing better than to cut people down to make himself feel superior.

Congratulations on the new baby, guys! You’re both such wonderful parents!

September 3, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah

7Quotables: Tori Spelling’s Emotional Abuse of Yesteryear

“I lacked such self-confidence that I constantly stood in my own way. … It was a nightmare. He [former boyfriend Nick Savalas] was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive, telling me 10 times a day how ugly I was. Although I don’t believe in regrets and think every moment makes us the women and moms we ultimately become. It would be nice to give this advice!”

So this Nick Savalas character (who happens to be Telly Savalas’—or Kojak’s—son)? Let’s forever brand him one of the biggest bags of dicks ever spoken about on Evil Beet, OK? Would it be alright to do that? Because while Tori Spelling has annoyed me for a myriad of other, completely unrelated reasons, no one deserves to be told that they’re ugly—especially by someone who professes to care about them in a romantic way.

God. People like this should be punched in the face. With a bag of rocks.

Incidentally, this is what Nick Savalas looks like today:

He’s not exactly a shining picture of facial perfection either, you know.

August 23, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

2Why Yes, Tori Spelling IS Pregnant Again

Because guys! This is what she does! If it weren’t for near-death experiences because of dehydration and malnutrition, and the whole almost-constantly-pregnant thing, we’d probably forget about her altogether, wouldn’t we? Whee! From People:

Five months after giving birth, Tori Spelling has announced some big news: she’s expecting again.

“Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way,” she writes on her website in a blog post titled “Baby Makes 6!” “We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us. Love, Tori xoxo.”

Spelling, 38, welcomed her youngest daughter Hattie in Oct. 2011. She and husband Dean McDermott, 45, are also parents to son Liam, 5, and daughter Stella, 3.

Along with the message, Spelling posted a photo of her bare stomach, which her children are touching.

I mean, criminology (yeah, it said ‘criminy’ at first, but spell-check didn’t recognize it and I rather liked ‘criminology’, so we’re going to run with this one, OK?). We didn’t even announce that she had her last baby (which, as People said, was back in October of ’11) and here she goes getting knocked up again. Who the hell is she trying to out-do, Michelle Duggar? Yeah, we posted photos of her tits when her husband accidentally Tweeted a photo of them post-breastfeeding – and wasn’t that a hoot? – but I know it doesn’t count. We must have cut Tori, deep down inside, and this is her way of getting back at us. Forcing us to talk about her once more, because she didn’t get her time in the sun with her previous, third pregnancy.

It could be worse. We could be saying, “Why yes, Tori Spelling is reprising her role on 90210 as Donna Martin, who’s returned to the school two decades later to take care of that whole graduation thing,” or “Why yes, Tori Spelling is looking like the Crypt-Keeper again,” so I’m going to just go ahead, shut my mouth, and thank my lucky stars that there are people out there like Tori Spelling who are addicted to kids, instead of constantly having to write about those who are addicted to Restaylne injections, cocaine, and hitting people with their cars and driving off like it ain’t no thing.

Congratulations, Tori, and best wishes for another healthy pregnancy!

March 23, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah

7OMG! LOL!

OK, dammit, I want an explanation on this one. Full-blown explanation as to why (and how! LOL) Dean McDermott accidentally posted a photo of wife Tori Spelling‘s tits. My curiosity, however, stems from the fact that Tori’s laying around with her tits hanging out. In front of her, what, almost five year old kid?

I get it, I really do – she’s probably breastfeeding, and the kid got a boo-boo or something and walked in in the middle of a feed. OK. Way embarrassing, right? Especially since it’s not the most flattering (realistic, yes, thank God) photo, you know?

The Tweet has since been pulled, but once the shit hits the ‘net, there’s no taking it back.

Anyway, there’s no taking it back, so click through to see the uncensored photos of the Tori Tittie Tweet that should have never been!

(more…)

November 17, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Sarah

1Tori Spelling Hits the Beach Hardcore

This post was going to be about Snooki and how her dumb orange ass was arrested for hitting a police car in Italy because she was too busy picking at her lesions or whatever, but after I wrote a paragraph about it, I decided that Tori Spelling doing absolutely nothing on a beach would be a better topic for today. And that, my friends? Is a fine example of just how important Nicole Polizzi is to me.

Anyway, as you can see, mom-to-be-again Tori Spelling hit the beach with her growing family, and I have to say: girlfriend looks GOOD when she’s expecting. I know it probably has a lot to do with hormones and what not, but her body just looks healthy now, not all dry and shrivelly.

In fact, I was so inspired by these Tori photos that I decided to suit up and head outside myself. It’s a gorgeous day, so I’m writing to you poolside. BE JEALOUS.

What are YOU guys doing on this fine, sunshiny day?

May 31, 2011 at 11:30 am by Sarah

4Hey, Tori Spelling IS Pregnant

So Tori Spelling, huh? In the news now, what, twice in a ten days? It’s gotta be some kind of record for girlfriend! Last week you saw photos of a healthy-looking Tori, and even some of you in the comments claimed that she was probably pregnant. Well guess what – ding ding ding! – you were right!

Tori and her husband Dean confirmed through Twitter last night that she is carrying child number three for the couple. It doesn’t come entirely as a surprise, as she’s been photographed wearing baggy dresses for some time now, and actually looks like she’s been drinking water (and what a difference it makes, right?), but congratulations to the family anyway. Even though their reality show sucks, they make cute kids, and come on: who DOESN’T love to look at adorable children?

April 12, 2011 at 7:30 am by Sarah