Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jersey Shore

Deena and Snooki Hooked Up on Last Night’s Jersey Shore

photo of deena and snooki making out in italy pictures photos pics

You want to hear something funny, too? I was flipping through the channels late last night, lamenting the fact that, despite having over a thousand channels, there’s still nothing good on television. Not that I ever really even watch television – except for football and old Twilight Zone episodes – but it’s occasionally nice to find something to numb your mind in a bout of insomnia, when a book just isn’t cutting it because you’ve read so much of it so far that your ass is turning to stone. Anyway, I saw that Jersey Shore was on, and for a fleeting second, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I watch … Yeah. No.” And I watched an old episode of Frasier instead.

And good thing, too. Because these two sloppy, drunken wildebeests decided to make out. Together, in front of everyone. Mouths open and all. And then they capped the night off by sharing a bed. How cute?

A Recap of This Week’s ‘Jersey Shore’: Mike Takes Off the Neck Brace, Deena and Snooki Fight, and Jionni’s a Jerk

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore, sans Deena

I didn’t cover Jersey Shore last week—at all! Not once, I don’t think!—and it made me so sad. Didn’t you miss the little scamps?

When I last recapped, Mike had apparently flatlined.

Then, a week ago, we discovered that Ronnie didn’t murder Mike after all. Instead, Mike gave himself a concussion, ha, ha, when he rammed his own head into a stone wall. For the rest of last week’s episode, Mike moped around in sunglasses and a neck brace, milking his minor injuries for more than they were worth. Snooki—who is still furious with Mike, incidentally—was, alas, the only sucker who bought into Mike’s one-man pity party. The entire episode, in a hilarious nutshell:

OK, you’re all caught up.

In this week’s episode: Seems like Ronnie genuinely terrified-slash-embarrassed himself with his own out-of-control temper, and now he’s trying really hard to be sensitive and wise. Last week I was unconvinced by this new leaf, but this week, I felt like he was maybe sincere. He keeps trying, especially, to make amends with Mike; after a therapeutic talk, Mike agrees to, uh, take off the neck brace. (Finally!)

In the meantime, Vinny and Pauly D have come into their comedic own. I’m not kidding. They have a natural, witty rapport that—listen, I’m really not kidding.

Vinny and Pauly D have never been the Cast Idiots, no, but they’ve finally achieved some meta self-awareness, and now they’re acting like the chorus in a Greek tragedy. Y’know: mocking their fellow castmembers; staging parodies of events that have just transpired; serving as the audience’s lens, basically. It makes a certain sense—Pauly is the eldest of the cast, while Vinny is probably the brainiest.

For instance, their play-within-a-play:

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Did You Watch the Latest ‘Jersey Shore’?

The World Wide Web was all aflutter with Jersey Shore recaps yesterday, but I really didn’t want to link to any of them until I got myself all caught up.

As MTV has teased for months, Ronnie Ortiz-Aggro flies into an inevitable ‘roid rage in this week’s episode, yes.

But until that climactic moment, most of the episode is, in fact, a paragon of mature conflict resolution. Deena‘s kerfuffle with Pauly D and Vinny? Resolved! Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship? Comfortable and happy (until they get wasted)! Should J-Woww butt into Sammi and Ronnie’s newly happy relationship, even though she was privy to Ronnie’s secret phone calls to some strumpet named Hannah? Nope, Snooki advises sagely.

Snooki and Mike‘s friendship is on the skids, too, but instead of letting “the Situation” escalate, Snooki makes a phone call to boyfriend Jionni. And all was well in Snooki-land.

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Snooki Surfaces in Las Vegas

photo of snooki and boyfriend in las vegas poof nation pictures photos

And those faces she’s making, guys … I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep my breakfast down – even though I’ve already had lunch.

Girl is photographed several times here with her boyfriend. Who’s also making the same stupid kissy-fish pout face that makes me want to break open my notebook, yank out the sharpest-looking piece and jam it into my eye. Repeatedly. And without restraint.

Also, Snooki’s new sunglasses line is debuting over the next few months. It’s called “Poof Nation.” Isn’t that just great? I mean, just so … Snooki?

Images courtesy of Starpulse

Let’s Talk About Jersey Shore and Clothes

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore, sans Deena

As if you’d ever look to Jersey Shore for fashion advice!

Youth clothing outlet Abercrombie & Fitch offered money to the Jersey Shore cast to not wear Abercrombie’s clothing. Yeah, like that’d make my 15-year-old self more likely to wear one of Abercrombie’s dumb T-shirts.

Then, after the company advised Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing its threads, Abercrombie’s stock fell by 7.5%. Ha!

“If [Abercrombie] Don’t Want Us To Wear Those Clothes,” Pauly D wisely tweeted, “Why Make GTL Shirts?” Sure enough, Abercrombie has been making bank on Jersey Shore‘s popularity! Nice catch, Pauly!

Best of all: King of the whole brouhaha is castmate Vinny Guadagnino—he’s the brand-new spokesman for Phillips Norelco.

Q: Is There a Way to Class Up Trash?

photo of jersey shore girls yrb pictures hot photos makeovers pics

A: In a word? NO.

But the Jersey Shore bitches are trying really, really hard in their shoot for YRB, which stars like Paris Hilton and Khloe Kardashian have graced the cover of. Yes indeedy, they’re truly giving it the old college try, whatever the eff that means.

Don’t get me wrong: they all look good. All of them, seriously. Even the trollish one who normally makes Snooki look like a frigging tall, willowy beauty pageant winner. It’s amazing, really.

Anyway. I’m going to leave this one up to you guys – the Jersey Shore gals: can you dress ‘em up and make them OK to look at for a few minutes without breaking out into hives and herpes-by-osmosis?

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Photos courtesy of TooFab

Because I Want You to Lose Your Lunch: Jersey Shore‘s Deena Cortese and her Bum Crack

photo of jersey shore deena cortese pictures photos tight dress hot pics nudes

Deena Cortese was photographed wearing something very tight and very white with a very obvious lack of panties. And all that? Wasn’t even the bad part. It was when she bent over and offered us a full view of her bunghole.. That’s probably the part that cuts the deepest.

I know, I know. I’m going to hell for posting this. But I figured if I’m going to hell, there’s probably a lot of fun people out there who are going to come with me for jumping in and viewing the uncensored version.

If you peeked, leave a comment and let me know. I’d like to start mailing the RSVPs on our behalf. Bring your skimpiest clothes. I hear it’s pretty warm there this time of year.

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