The last few episodes of Jersey Shore have been totally indefensible; the whole show has turned miserable. At this point, it’s like I’m dragging out a dysfunctional relationship because I made a commitment three and a half seasons ago.
All I remember of last week’s episode was that I came away from it feeling doleful and drained. Oh, that’s right: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi embarrassed boyfriend Jionni in public—she hiked her dress up in a club and kind of, I don’t know, danced at him—and he ditched her. How long did Jionni spend with Snooki in all? Six hours? That’s just six episodes of Jersey Shore PLUS COMMERCIALS. I feel like I’ve tolerated Snooki for way longer stretches.
As the curtain rises, Snooki is still bereaved. When she christens the day “the worst day of [her] life,” I for one believe her. Meanwhile, at work, Deena has been condemned to clean the toilets. (“These nails? These hands? They don’t clean toilets,” Deena narrates as her onscreen avatar attempts to mop a toilet from the other side of the room.)
Jenni “JWoww” Farley continues her reign as World’s Most Patient Pal. In last week’s episode, she scoured the streets of Florence for hours, searching for Snooki’s missing boyfriend until her feet bled. Now, the day after, Jenni negotiates a meeting between the feuding lovers, who hug and smooch just before a still-seething Jionni rolls his luggage onto a train to Rome. Yep, he leaves Florence after all! Snooki is distraught.
Next, Vinny and Pauly D build a tower of furniture atop Deena’s bed. Deena struggles to lift a loveseat by herself, topples with it, and ends up pinned beneath it, flailing helplessly. When Pauly D announces that “this is the best day of [his] life,” I for one believe him. (Déjà vu.)
September 30, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Jenn
“I’ll do it until I’m in Depends, using a walker and I’m feeding her baby food.”
- Jersey Shore cast member, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, claims that ain’t nothing gonna stop him from being a part of the trashiest show on television, not even an invalid girlfriend and incontinence. Yay, right?
Do you actually think the Jersey Shore kids could last that long? I mean that in many ways: do you think they’ll settle down enough to lose interest in the show, do you think they’ll settle down enough to avoid an overdose, do you think that anyone would want to watch this show for decades and decades and decades*?
September 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Emily
You want to hear something funny, too? I was flipping through the channels late last night, lamenting the fact that, despite having over a thousand channels, there’s still nothing good on television. Not that I ever really even watch television – except for football and old Twilight Zone episodes – but it’s occasionally nice to find something to numb your mind in a bout of insomnia, when a book just isn’t cutting it because you’ve read so much of it so far that your ass is turning to stone. Anyway, I saw that Jersey Shore was on, and for a fleeting second, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I watch … Yeah. No.” And I watched an old episode of Frasier instead.
And good thing, too. Because these two sloppy, drunken wildebeests decided to make out. Together, in front of everyone. Mouths open and all. And then they capped the night off by sharing a bed. How cute?
September 16, 2011 at 7:30 am by Sarah
8A Recap of This Week’s ‘Jersey Shore’: Mike Takes Off the Neck Brace, Deena and Snooki Fight, and Jionni’s a Jerk
I didn’t cover Jersey Shore last week—at all! Not once, I don’t think!—and it made me so sad. Didn’t you miss the little scamps?
When I last recapped, Mike had apparently flatlined.
Then, a week ago, we discovered that Ronnie didn’t murder Mike after all. Instead, Mike gave himself a concussion, ha, ha, when he rammed his own head into a stone wall. For the rest of last week’s episode, Mike moped around in sunglasses and a neck brace, milking his minor injuries for more than they were worth. Snooki—who is still furious with Mike, incidentally—was, alas, the only sucker who bought into Mike’s one-man pity party. The entire episode, in a hilarious nutshell:
OK, you’re all caught up.
In this week’s episode: Seems like Ronnie genuinely terrified-slash-embarrassed himself with his own out-of-control temper, and now he’s trying really hard to be sensitive and wise. Last week I was unconvinced by this new leaf, but this week, I felt like he was maybe sincere. He keeps trying, especially, to make amends with Mike; after a therapeutic talk, Mike agrees to, uh, take off the neck brace. (Finally!)
Vinny and Pauly D have never been the Cast Idiots, no, but they’ve finally achieved some meta self-awareness, and now they’re acting like the chorus in a Greek tragedy. Y’know: mocking their fellow castmembers; staging parodies of events that have just transpired; serving as the audience’s lens, basically. It makes a certain sense—Pauly is the eldest of the cast, while Vinny is probably the brainiest.
For instance, their play-within-a-play:
September 11, 2011 at 1:00 pm by Jenn
As MTV has teased for months, Ronnie Ortiz-Aggro flies into an inevitable ‘roid rage in this week’s episode, yes.
But until that climactic moment, most of the episode is, in fact, a paragon of mature conflict resolution. Deena‘s kerfuffle with Pauly D and Vinny? Resolved! Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship? Comfortable and happy (until they get wasted)! Should J-Woww butt into Sammi and Ronnie’s newly happy relationship, even though she was privy to Ronnie’s secret phone calls to some strumpet named Hannah? Nope, Snooki advises sagely.
Snooki and Mike‘s friendship is on the skids, too, but instead of letting “the Situation” escalate, Snooki makes a phone call to boyfriend Jionni. And all was well in Snooki-land.
August 27, 2011 at 6:30 am by Jenn
And those faces she’s making, guys … I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep my breakfast down – even though I’ve already had lunch.
Girl is photographed several times here with her boyfriend. Who’s also making the same stupid kissy-fish pout face that makes me want to break open my notebook, yank out the sharpest-looking piece and jam it into my eye. Repeatedly. And without restraint.
Images courtesy of Starpulse