Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Brody Jenner

Can Someone Please Explain How This Couple Works?

Color me a moron, but how the fuck are these two still together?

Everything I know about Avril Lavigne (bratty Canadian pop-princess who’s had the same hair since 2003) and Brody Jenner (spoiled white boy/son of a celebrity athlete with a penchant for Barbie-like girls) says that they shouldn’t work together. If I had to imagine these two at home, it would just be a long series of arguments where Brody wants Avril to shut up and “just act normal” and Avril wants Brody to go skateboarding and rip the heads off rodents.

This relationship just screams “ongoing publicity stunt” to me. Except we don’t see them out together all that often and they’ve yet to pay a visit to Brody’s dad while the Keeping Up With The Kardashians cameras were around. I’m truly puzzled (but I do love her shoes!)

What do you think it is that keeps these two desperates together?

The Hills Finale Party: One Billion Photos!

We’re a day late on these, and I apologize, but I swear I couldn’t find them on the photo services until tonight.

All our favorite Hills castmembers were there: Audrina! Stephanie! Lo! Brody! Holly! Kristen! COCAINE! (not pictured)

And LAUREN CONRAD, who looks fucking fantastic and happy and wonderful and OMG I love you so much Lauren Conrad. There was NEVER a show after you left! And you are BY FAR the most beautiful of all these people and it doesn’t look like you’ve had a stitch of work done. I’m so happy for you that you ditched this train before it wrecked.

Conspicuously absent: Heidi and Spencer. Because they’re fucking insane and weren’t invited. Seriously, though, I was talking with a girlfriend yesterday about how freakin’ tragic it is for Heidi that this show ever happened to her. Like, she was this perfectly nice, cute girl from Colorado with a lovely future ahead of her who is now pretty much the textbook definition of what it looks like when someone gets sucked into Hollywood. Her face and body are mutilated. Her family hates her. Her marriage was a sham and her “husband” is a candidate for a lobotomy. I hate to say it, but I feel awful for her. I don’t know how you even begin to pick up the pieces after your life has become so shattered.

Lastly: I hate Kristin Cavallari as much as the next person, but I would give up a finger or two for her legs. This bitch gives Jen Aniston a run for her money.

Avril Lavigne Dates All Sorts of Guys

I mean, she went from a man with Hollywood’s widest nose to a man with Hollywood’s narrowest nose in, what, like three seconds flat? She might not be able to sing a note without the beauty of auto-tune, but her personal flair for guys has quite a range at any rate.

Lavigne filed for divorce from Deryck Whibley (who is — was, whichever — the lead singer of Sum 41) back in October and she’s already been linked to two or three different guys since then. I guess that’s part of the whole pink-princess “rock and roll” edge that she’s got to her, mmhmm?

Her latest confirmed sexual conquest is none other than Brody Jenner. The two allegedly started dating earlier this year, but despite that fact, she was spied getting cozy with her ex-husband, Whibley, recently. And alas, our very own grubby love triangle emerged in Hollywood this past week partying it up. Together. The three were said to have reserved a private VIP table at the W Hotel and later left in a car. Again, together. Later on the odd trio was said to grab a bit of an early breakfast at an all-night diner. The three did not leave together this time, however — Whibley was said to make a quick exit, while the other two lingered lovingly over red hot Formica and muddy coffee.

Um, say it with me: “Eewwwuh.”

If Avril Lavigne is Really Dating Brody Jenner, Than That’s the Saddest Thing I Have Ever Heard

When most chicks become single for the first time in a long time, they go out of their way to try and get a dick upgrade. What’s the point of divorcing your loser husband if you’re going to go out and date even bigger losers than him, right? Well, Avril don’t play that, you guys. In fact, she plays the opposite game and she plays it really hard because now she’s rumored to be dating one the biggest douches on the planet, Brody Jenner. A source told E! News about the couple, “They’re hooking up, but they’re keeping it low-key. You can tell they’re into each other and both like to have a good time. They’re cute together.”

Let me get this straight: Avril was married to the guy from Sum41 who looks like Sam, the World’s Ugliest Dog for most of her early 20s, then she moved on to Brandon Davis (ugh, can you even imagine?) and now she’s dating Brody Jenner. While I will say that Brody’s probably the best looking out of all of them, he’s also probably the most soulless. And he’s on The Hills. For a living.

I’m thinking that Avril has low self-esteem. I don’t know how else to explain this. As annoying as her persona may be, she’s a pretty talented singer and she was a pretty big star a few years back. I would think she could at least score with a dude on an ABC Family show or something. My advice to her would be to take a break from men and go get her groove/sense of self-worth back.

The Classiest, Most A-List Couple in Hollywood is No More

Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole

This is really, really devastating and I’m not quite sure how to put this so I’m going to spit it out and hopefully we can talk about it after if you’re not too upset: Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole broke up. I know! I know! It’s OK! Calm down! The holidays are a tough time for everyone, maybe it could just be a break! Who knows? I know I never saw the perfection that is this couple parting ways, so maybe there’s a chance we’ll get a Christmas miracle and they’ll reconcile.

Seriously though: I guess these two morons broke up a couple weeks ago and have been keeping their split on the DL. The two were dating for about a year (it seems like so much longer than that since we first saw that pretty, evil little face yelling at Audrina on The Hills for allegedly hooking up with her man, right?) and broke up around December 11th when Brody returned from a trip to Australia. The reasons for the break-up were unclear, but the two fought constantly and had quite a bit of drama this summer with the whole Joe Francis incident.

One endearingly stupid thing though? Jayde Tweeted on December 18th, “Sometimes when you truly love someone you have to let them go…I never really understood that quote until now.” LOL @ Jayde Nicole not understanding the quote she paraphrased “until now”. Man, I have the potential to miss that idiot, I think.

Jayde, Brody and Joe Won’t Be in Court Any Time Soon

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The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

More Legal Woes For Joe Francis

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Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, “In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.