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Ashton Kutcher

0Are Ashton and Demi Over for Good?

Photo: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in June 2011

I’ve said it before, and I’ll tell you again: Ashton and Demi are total weirdos. They just might be meant to be. No, I know: Ashton sticks it everywhere, and Demi is insecure about her age. (They reportedly had an “open” marriage, and Demi was cool as long as she knew about Ashton’s dalliances. It’s akin to your “cool mom” promising you can experiment with Mary Jane as long as it’s under her roof. Yikes. Just, yikes.)

As PopBytes tells it, Ashton did try to win Demi’s affection back. With! A Lexus hybrid, valued at over $100,000. But it was evidently too little, too late, and Demi Moore filed for divorce anyway. I mean, really. A car? A car. Whatever happened to smoothing things over with a nice, big diamond?

But what’s this! Over the weekend, apparently, the estranged couple reunited for Kabbalah counseling. They left together, but the pair took separate cars. No word on whether one of the cars was a Lexus, though.

November 22, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Jenn

4Ashton Kutcher’s All Broken Up Over his Divorce

photo of ashton kutcher twitter divorce pics photos
We’re supposed to, what, feel bad for this asshat? Are we supposed to be all weepy and sentimental because a doofy douchebag couldn’t keep his juvenile penis in his pants and had to squeeze it out over a chick that wasn’t even all that great to begin with? Please. I have absolutely no remorse in thinking this guy is a letch, and any sympathy he might have gotten from me completely went out – wait, no, never mind. This tool doesn’t deserve sympathy from anywhere.

“Marriage is hard”? Is that what I’m getting from his comments? It’s that hard to keep your ass from thrusting in the general direction of even marginally-attractive women? Who the hell wrote this BS, Michael Kelso?

photo of michael kelso picture

November 18, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah

5BREAKING: Demi Moore Is Filing for Divorce

Photo: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in June 2011

The Associated Press and Harvey Levin’s Twitter simultaneously broke the news that Demi Moore is for sure, for serious, for realsies, divorcing Ashton Kutcher.

If you thought to yourself, Oh, boy, now Ashton really can date one of his stepdaughters, congratulations! You are as sick as I am.

Her official statement:

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.

This honestly makes me sad: I had hoped this pair of weirdos might work things out and make it through to the other side.

Oh, well. If Demi ever dates again, I hope she picks an adult next time.

November 17, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Jenn

1Ashton Kutcher Is Way Sorry About That Paterno Tweet, Surrenders His Twitter to His Management Team

A photo of Ashton Kutcher

Oh, Ashton. Bless your confused little heart. I know it’s been a rough couple of months, buddy, but hang in there! Sure, everyone hates you, but it’s always darkest before the dawn, right?

Now, about that Joe Paterno tweet: sweetie, that was careless. You’re the king of Twitter, and you should know better than to say something to your 8,000,000+ followers that you don’t know anything about. And tweets like these:

As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

They don’t make everything better, Ashton. I’m sorry, but you and I both know that they just don’t. And as for your long-winded apology/”it’s not my fault” statement/announcement that you’re giving up control of your Twitter, well … that’s not great either, honey.


November 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher

8Ashton Kutcher Tweets About Joe Paterno, Looks Really Stupid and Uninformed

photo of ashton kutcher pictures tweets joe paterno photos
“How do you fire Jo [sic] Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

Um. Um? What exactly is in poor taste, Ashton? I believe your character limit is a bit higher than 79 characters or whatever, so daresay I think you can afford to elaborate a bit more.

A list of things I consider to be of less taste than unceremoniously firing someone who was privy to the act of child sex abuse and sat on allegations for eight years until investigated by a grand jury, ahem:

- Cheating on your wife on your wedding anniversary
- Cheating on your wife with some diarrhea-mouthed skank who goes around peddling nude photos to the site that can give her the most publicity
- Cheating on your wife and not wearing a condom while slumming around with the aforementioned skank who knew you were married to begin with
- Shall I go on?

If we’re going to talk about class here, let’s do it in the right context.

After Ashton was bashed for apparently being uninformed, he backtracked by saying, “‘This is an insane story, I just heard paterno was fired, getting the rest of the story now… Wow.”

November 10, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher

7Aww, Bruce Willis Made Ashton Kutcher Cry!

A photo of Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher

Can’t you just see it now? Bruce Willis just railing into Ashton for all his indiscretions, getting just a little too in his face, landing a few of his Bruce Willis spit bubbles on his face because he can’t contain his anger? You can see it, right? So is it sadistic to giggle?

Let’s get into all the glorious details, from the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Bruce Willis demanded – and got – a face-to-face butt-kicking showdown that left Ashton Kutcher shaking like a leaf after the “Die Hard” star confronted the smarmy party boy/cheater about dissing Demi Moore via his closerthanthis sleazefest with bigmouth Sara Leal! “Ashton kept avoiding Bruce’s calls and texts, but finally agreed to meet his wife’s ex-husband at a private location,” said a close pal of the couple. “Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating – and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well. He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together fast! Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged forgiveness. [Ashton is] devastated because Demi’s consulted a divorce attorney [and] begged Bruce to step in and stop her from committing to a separation. He reportedly vowed to Bruce. “I will NEVER, EVER cheat again!” Said the source: “Bruce isn’t ready to shake hands with Ashton just yet, but he did speak with Demi and advised her that if she decides to try keeping her marriage intact, she should seek traditional marriage counseling – not just the Kabbalah counseling they’ve been doing.”

Ashton Kutcher. Shaking like a leaf. Breaking down in tears. Weeping uncontrollably. Begging forgiveness. The only way that mental image could get any better is if it ended with Bruce Willis flailing around like a douchebag and screaming “you just got PUNK’D!”

November 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily