Now, about that Joe Paterno tweet: sweetie, that was careless. You’re the king of Twitter, and you should know better than to say something to your 8,000,000+ followers that you don’t know anything about. And tweets like these:
As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.
As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.
They don’t make everything better, Ashton. I’m sorry, but you and I both know that they just don’t. And as for your long-winded apology/”it’s not my fault” statement/announcement that you’re giving up control of your Twitter, well … that’s not great either, honey.
“How do you fire Jo [sic] Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”
Um. Um? What exactly is in poor taste, Ashton? I believe your character limit is a bit higher than 79 characters or whatever, so daresay I think you can afford to elaborate a bit more.
A list of things I consider to be of less taste than unceremoniously firing someone who was privy to the act of child sex abuse and sat on allegations for eight years until investigated by a grand jury, ahem:
- Cheating on your wifeon your wedding anniversary
- Cheating on your wife with some diarrhea-mouthed skank who goes around peddling nude photos to the site that can give her the most publicity
- Cheating on your wife and not wearing a condom while slumming around with the aforementioned skank who knew you were married to begin with
- Shall I go on?
Can’t you just see it now? Bruce Willis just railing into Ashton for all his indiscretions, getting just a little too in his face, landing a few of his Bruce Willis spit bubbles on his face because he can’t contain his anger? You can see it, right? So is it sadistic to giggle?
Let’s get into all the glorious details, from the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:
Bruce Willis demanded – and got – a face-to-face butt-kicking showdown that left Ashton Kutcher shaking like a leaf after the “Die Hard” star confronted the smarmy party boy/cheater about dissing Demi Moore via his closerthanthis sleazefest with bigmouth Sara Leal! “Ashton kept avoiding Bruce’s calls and texts, but finally agreed to meet his wife’s ex-husband at a private location,” said a close pal of the couple. “Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating – and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well. He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together fast! Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged forgiveness. [Ashton is] devastated because Demi’s consulted a divorce attorney [and] begged Bruce to step in and stop her from committing to a separation. He reportedly vowed to Bruce. “I will NEVER, EVER cheat again!” Said the source: “Bruce isn’t ready to shake hands with Ashton just yet, but he did speak with Demi and advised her that if she decides to try keeping her marriage intact, she should seek traditional marriage counseling – not just the Kabbalah counseling they’ve been doing.”
Ashton Kutcher. Shaking like a leaf. Breaking down in tears. Weeping uncontrollably. Begging forgiveness. The only way that mental image could get any better is if it ended with Bruce Willis flailing around like a douchebag and screaming “you just got PUNK’D!”
“Demi didn’t come on the actual shooting set or anything — she never does — but she spent the day on the lot in his massive trailer. When Ashton and Demi were spotted together, “he put his arm around her and they acted like a couple. They were talking and smiling at each other. Everything seemed just like normal.”
However, a gal pal told press that Demi still hasn’t gotten over Ashton’s alleged affair. “She loves him, but can’t forgive him for the embarrassment he has caused.”
Oh Demi. How sad is that, girl? Hanging out in your husband’s trailer because you fear he’s going to cheat on you with, who, Jon Cryer? That’s no way to live a life. I have no doubts that you love this douche nozzle, but sacrificing your own well-being, and hoping so bad that your husband won’t stray again that you’re willing to monitor his every move is just not healthy, friend. You deserve way better than this.
“He [Ashton] really takes everything so seriously, but then he would also make me laugh so hard and play pranks on me [during the filming of New Year's Eve]. One day, I opened up a door and he was supposed to be there fully clothed and he wasn’t. That was awesome.”
Tell me this doesn’t look like two people going through hell. But what’s Kutcher‘s deal? Is he, like, truly remorseful for what he did and wants to make the marriage with Demi work, or is he just trying to save face and not come across looking like a douchebag (or lose out on a perpetual link to what modern celebritydom considers Hollywood “royalty”)?
The interaction here is just fascinating: these two bastards photographed getting into the same car, allegedly headed to a religious counseling sessions, scrawny Demi giving Ashton some serious stink-eye. But maybe that’s just the instant effect of drinking that seaweed-looking shit. What the hell is that, liquid resentment?
This would be the “statement” prompting us to forget everything that Ashton allegedy did with Sara Leal by trying to confuse us with big words like “integrity,” “media,” bastardize,” and “truth.” You can’t fool us, though, Ashton – we know what those words mean no matter how you try to intertwine them and craft them into a veritable tapestry of crafty mastermindery.
My favorite part was this, though:
“We really have to take it upon ourselves to instill a level of honesty in our works and the media we create and we share with each other. And be certain we are doing our own diligence to ensure what we’re saying is for the benefit of another…using our full capacity to share the truth.”