At least according to his stolen laptop, which apparently had a lot of personal “footage” on there. The only “footage” I could see causing a problem for Justin would, of course, be a sex tape. Are we going to see a Justin Bieber sex tape? God, I don’t know. The idea positively frightens me, and before I can actually consider what that might be like, I’m brought to think of Hulk Hogan and his sex tape, where he bangs the chick and immediately starts talking about how much of a pig he is because he ate [fill in the blank] not ten minutes ago. I think it’d be like that. I also think it’d probably involve that weird thing that people used to do, which I’d call “drinking tons of milk and vomiting over hotel balconies,” because I’m certain that’s what an eighteen-year-old punk who thinks his dick is God’s gift to older women the world over would think is some darn good FOREPLAY.
I mean, don’t ask me why. It’s not like I was the one who had the foresight to steal his notebook, it’s just my suspicions. You know.