Really though, who was it? Because whoever it was is not a good friend. Whoever called the entire guest list of the Billboard Music Awards and said “hey, just wanted to let you know to be sure to have awful hair, horrible makeup, and/or a really bad dress! Love you, girl!” has a dark, mischievous spirit and needs to be held accountable for all of this.

There was Miley Cyrus, obviously, and her ensemble. Sarah showed you her choices just a little while ago, but you know I can’t just let that be the end of it. Look at that hair, you guys. I know Miley’s a Southern girl, so she was ingrained with that meaningful mantra, “the higher the hair, the closer to God,” but this isn’t the Dixie Stampede or the Grand Ole Opry, and you shouldn’t use your hair to fool yourself.

Then there was Natasha Beddingfield. Girl.

And Justin Bieber wore a wallet chain and two earrings:

But then Katy Perry trumped them all with this mess:

She’s wearing that tragic makeup again, as you can see. And her dress … I don’t even know what to say. Her dress looks like something I would have loved for my Barbies to have worn in 1994. Her dress looks like it would go great with a classic pair of jellies. Which is all to say that her dress looks silly but fun, I suppose. Meanwhile, her makeup …

It’s just not a good situation.

GQ just did an interview with Justin Bieber, and it’s probably the best interview I’ve ever read with him. It’s amazing. It’s probably even better than the interview with Rolling Stone where he said that Americans were evil and that his opinion on politics were “whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.” I mean, the opening sentence is “I have been told specifically that I will be able to punch Justin Bieber in the face,” so of course it’s going to be incredible. I’ll show you guys some of the best parts, but if you enjoy giggling at Justin Bieber, then you’re definitely going to want to read the whole thing.

While waiting for Justin: After a few minutes, I noticed that someone had drawn a bunch of dicks all over the grease board by the door. So I pointed at them and asked, “Hey, who drew all the dicks?” One of the sound engineers immediately jumped up, ran over, and erased them with his sleeve. This is the new and mature Bieber.

Describing Justin: His voice is so high, it sounds like a ringtone. There is no way around it: Justin Bieber is a very small human being. He’s 18, but he could easily pass for someone six years younger. His rep says he’s five feet nine, but he looks about four feet four, maybe one hundred pounds. I shake his hand, and it feels like there should be more hand there.

Justin’s attention span: I have been warned by several people, including some people in his own camp, that Bieber has a very short attention span. This is correct. He is amazingly distractible. He also bursts into song a lot, at random intervals, no matter who’s around. (…Money on my mind and you on my mind, too much on my mind…) If it were anyone else, this would be annoying, but this is Justin Bieber, so every improvised song fragment is intended as a present to whoever’s around him.

Justin Bieber cusses: I ask Bieber if he’d like to venture outside the studio to talk over dinner, but he declines. “It’s just a pain in the ass,” he says.

Justin on education: “As far as education goes, you should be a smarter person.”

Justin on drinking: “For me, it’s just like, I like to be in control of myself. I mean, I’ve had a beer, like, before…. But I never get out of control.”

Justin gets a new customized van: Everyone gathers around as Bieber tours the van. He is euphoric. So much so that he has decided to pledge his loyalty to West Coast Customs forever and to decry its rival, Platinum Motorsport. “F-ck Platinum,” he says. “Platinum can suck a dick, man. West Coast all day.”

Justin on swag: “I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult!” he yells. “Come on, swaggy bros!”

Bieber’s rapping: His flow is slower than prostate cancer.

Justin loves Kim Kardashian: He catches Kaye [his business adviser] ragging on Kim Kardashian. “That bitch should never wear white in public again,” she says. Bieber gets mildly indignant and sticks up for Kardashian. “You guys are so mean, bro…. People say she doesn’t do anything; she actually does do stuff…. She works hard.”

Justin’s exit line: “GOOD NIGHT, BITCHES!”

I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea that Justin is this much of a little douchebag. Sure, we all knew he was somewhat douchey, but the random singing? The drawing of dicks? “I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult”? I never imagined it was this bad, you guys.

Aww, Justin, I’m so proud! So far this year, The Biebz has been named the new King of Pop, he’s changed the world of music forever, and his penis has been christened “Jerry.” This guy is unstoppable. But now that he’s got a high school diploma, he can go on to college, right?

Nah, he just got the stupid thing because of his mom:

Justin Bieber is growing up. Beyond the fast cars, sexy women and mature new sound, the 18-year-old pop star is now a high school graduate.

The “Boyfriend” singer revealed the good news to the U.K. paper The Daily Telegraph. “I just finished high school. I passed my test — I’m free! It was hard doing school and work every day,” he revealed.

The fact that Bieber made the effort to fit in his schooling is fairly impressive. His girlfriend, Selena Gomez, also made time in between her hit TV show, busy touring schedule and film career to graduate from high school in 2010. But there are dozens of young stars in Hollywood, such as Beyonce, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, who didn’t finish school once their careers took off.

And although he’s done now, finishing school wasn’t his highest priority. “[Graduating] was something my mom really wanted me to do, so I had to do it for her,” he admitted, adding that he’s more a fan of the school of life. “I mean, this kind of lifestyle has given me a different perspective on life. I’ve been able to travel the world. At school, usually you have to do a lot of writing and reading. I’m not really into that stuff. I like to be out there.”

“I’m not really into” reading and writing. That’s what Justin Bieber just said.

But really, I’m proud that Justin Bieber finished high school. It’s an important accomplishment, and he must have worked extra hard to do all the work and write songs about crazy girls who started paternity scandals for you and hanging out on the beach with your girlfriend. But really again, Justin finished right on time, and that’s kind of impressive, right? And I can’t even blame him for not wanting to go to college. College just isn’t for some people, and I’m thinking that insanely rich 18-year-old boys with fancy cars, cute girlfriends, and absolute dream jobs are those sort of people.

Also, look at that picture of Justin up there. Does anyone else think he looks like a really, really pretty woman? Because I’m thinking he looks like an absolutely gorgeous woman. Is it ever a thing to develop a girl crush on a feminine looking boy? Is he wearing lip gloss? So many questions. So much gorgeous.

You know, it just does not matter to me, no matter how old Justin Bieber gets, he’s always going to be that whiny, weird, floppy-haired little kid singing “Baby, baby, baby oh baby,” and that’s just not hot. Neither is this video. And did he really say, “Say hello to falsetto”? Because that’s the cheesiest thing since Velveeta. Even though, you know, Velveeta’s not, like, real cheese. And the “rapping” really kills me. Seriously. I’m dead over here.

All I know is that I’m super, super glad that I’m not a young girl growing up in 2012. Because while my generation had to deal with the likes of *N Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and Hanson, that’s way better than experiencing little Justin Bieber and his crap-bag music at such a tender young age. I just can’t imagine how I would have turned out otherwise. I guess when you’re so busy “changing the world of music,” small, insignificant things (like musical quality) tend to slip through the cracks. I get it—it happens.

Are you guys thrilled over ‘Boyfriend’? For those of you who waited for it anxiously, is it everything you ever dreamed and more? And last, can we finally, now, stop talking about Justin Bieber since it’s pretty clear that the music isn’t going to change? Ever?

I don’t know how this happened, and I don’t understand it. I don’t get why fans would feel the need to name a celebrity’s penis, or why fans feel the need to name the penis belonging to Justin Bieber, specifically. I mean, have any of you ever even considered the fact that Justin Bieber probably has a penis? No, because it’s weird, right? It’s weird and creepy and it’s baffling, it really is.

But regardless of how creepy it is – which, just in case you’re still wondering, it’s really, really creepy – here are the facts: sometime within the past week or so, Justin Bieber’s penis was christened. It became a trending topic on Twitter, and when a London DJ asked the Beliebers if they had any questions they wanted him to ask The Biebz when he interviewed him next, a lot of the questions were about Justin’s … uh … manhood.

Which, by the way, is named Jerry.

From the Huffington Post:

Justin Bieber’s crazy fans have given his penis a nickname — Jerry — and it’s been trending on Twitter all week. We were under the impression that the majority of Bieber’s fans were under the age of 14, so we’re kind of creeped out.

In preparation for his interview with Bieber, London DJ James Barr took to Twitter to ask fans for questions, and one wanted to know how Jerry was enjoying the U.K.

The confused DJ asked “who is Jerry?” only to learn it’s the nickname fans bestowed on Biebs’ manhood. Naturally, in his interview with Bieber, Barr had to know if the 18-year-old old pop star was embarrassed.

“My fans are a little inappropriate,” Bieber told Barr, as a smirk spread across his face. “It’s funny. My fans are kind of inappropriate.”

Why did the Beliebers choose the name Jerry? Bieber has no idea either. “I don’t know, it’s just what they named it,” he said. “Jerry seems kind of like … ‘My name is Jerry…’”

Jerry. Really, Jerry? Justin’s right, it is sort of bland. I’m sure the Beliebers have some crazy reason for it though, one that I probably don’t want to hear because it’s too creepy to fathom. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Here’s a few things that pop up on Twitter when you put in a simple search for Jerry:

Me: mom I’d treat jerry really good ;) Mom: WOW Me: do you know who that is? Mom: Justin’s WEEWEE me: OH MY GOSH MOM mom: owww ow

Imagine Justin coming online and seeing ”We Want Jerry Inside Of Us” trending. LMFAO. I’D LOVE TO SEE HIS FACE.

First Justin gives a guy his iPad cover because he said he liked it now he gives a fan his shoes. Hey Justin, i like Jerry, can i have it?

I bet Jerry looks like the Empire State Building whenever Justin’s reading all these perverted tweets.

*20 years from now* Son: Mom, why’d name me jerry? You: … Justin: She loves jerry so much that’s why.

And just in case that wasn’t awkward enough for you, here’s the video of the interview so you can actually see Justin talk about his genitals:

Well, I think we’ve reached our quota of uncomfortable stories for the week, don’t you?

… Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ‘Billie Jean’ as it is. It’s a new concept that crazed fans claim to have babies by their inspirational idols. Gah.

From Billboard:

[On April 23] in London [Bieber] told journalists that there would be a song about the [Mariah Yeater] situation on his upcoming June 19 album, “Believe.”

“There’s a song about that girl — Mariah Yeater — that said she was gonna have my baby,” said Bieber, as reported by several U.K. publications. “There are songs about things I’m going through. I wrote songs about different situations.”

Two days earlier, during his Saturday “#RandomTwitterHour,” Bieber posted, “Dear mariah yeeter… we have never met…so from the heart i just wanted to say…” with a link to a clip of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat character repeating “You will never get this.”

Bieber has previously said that his new album would “address the past and rumors,” and that he would be “clearing it all up in the music.”

The song about Yeater will not necessarily be on Bieber’s new album, the BBC reports. “We’ve recorded like 40 songs,” the teen superstar said Monday. “Every song has a piece of me, it’s hard to pick. I wrote almost all of them or co-wrote them.”

OK, so I guess Mariah Yeater wins, then. I mean, how many disturbed young women can say that they inspired a song to be written by theirs truly, Justin Bieber? How many chicks can say that they’re the modern day Billie Jean? How many young ladies have the weirdest f-cking torso I’ve ever seen? JUST ONE, GUYS. And her name is Mariah Yeater. Congratulations, girl. You’re forever going to be in the books for bat-shittiest Bieber fan of all time.