IMAGES REMOVED UPON REQUEST
So I was thinking about this so hard last night, that I actually *dreamed* about this sad old situation. Yeah. I did. I dreamed that I was on my way to Taco Bell (?) and I pulled up to a stoplight, where, in the vehicle next to me, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson sat, arguing vociferously over why she had to go and let this skeevy married-with-children dude kiss her boobs and act like a sixteen-year-old in the back of Dad’s borrowed car, Dad who trusted you so much not to put a ding in it that he didn’t even think to tell you not to have nasty makeout sessions with rat-faced film directors. My bad, Dad.
In the dream, Robert was crying and pulling all sorts of faces while Kristen sat in the driver’s seat, sticking out her jaw and chewing gum and rolling her eyes and I really, really wanted to punch her in her stupid head for being so stupid, because really. What a dick move, you know?
And the longer I sat in the car, watching this unfold, the angrier I got. And the angrier I got sitting in my driver’s seat, the more I wanted to punch her in her stupid head for being so stupid. And the more I wanted to punch her in her stupid head for being so stupid? Well. I acted upon it. I pushed my car door open, climbed out (right at the longest red light ever) and started banging on Kristen’s window, which was up, even though it was ninety-some degrees out and it looked like her air conditioning vents were busted (her bony ass probably f-cked it up while she was grinding on that married-with-children dude the other day). She looked up at me with mild disinterest and then dropped her gaze to her fingernails, which were chewed and ragged and gross. I could tell that she wasn’t about to open any doors for me, so I reached down and pulled on the car door handle, and to my luck, it was open.
From there, I proceeded to drag her out of the car, slap her in the face, tell her what a stupid, stupid bitch she is and that no amount of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman 2’ offers could ever get me to forget what she did, and then I hopped into her contaminated Mini Cooper and drove off with Robert Pattinson in the passenger seat. And he was happy.
Whatever. I didn’t say the dream had any particular point.
Check out the photos of Kristen’s post-scandal face. I just don’t even get it.