Like Michael Lohan and Joe Francis before him, it looks like Keanu Reeves has joined the ranks of the Crazy Eyes, that elite task force of dicks and douchebags alike. I’m not sure when it happened – it seems like only yesterday he was being a harmlessly horrible actor and starring in a hilarious meme – but that doesn’t matter now. Keanu has lost his soul, and there’s nothing that can be done about that.
I’ll tell you my story of Soulless Keanu, just for the sake of solidarity. I was browsing through potential pictures to show you guys, keeping an eye on the “Bridezillas” marathon while I did so, and then I saw the unmistakable form of Keanu in a thumbnail. Feeling a strange sense of dread and fear, I opened the picture, and all of my happiness and joy was sucked out of me into the vacuum that is Keanu’s stare. And I faltered for a moment, I did, but then I remembered my duties, and here we are. Don’t ever say I never warned you about the demons gathering around us.
Feel free to share your story in the comments. This is a safe place.