At yesterday’s Frys.com Open, Tiger Woods was standing at the 16th hole, deep in concentration, gripping the shaft of his putter, preparing for his final stroke. When suddenly, an errant weenie arced through the air!

The story from USA Today, via Gawker:

Woods was lining up his birdie putt when an unidentified male spectator came running toward the green. Woods, who finished in a tie for 30th, looked up and said he saw a hot dog flying in the air which the man had thrown.

Whether the flying sausage were intended to smack Tiger in the face or merely disturb his putt, we’ll never know: Woods’ would-be attacker, though compliant, refused to disclose his motive to Santa Rosa authorities.

The heckler had a surprisingly lousy arm, though: he lobbed the hot dog from 40 feet away, and it soared only eight, maybe ten feet, before softly thudding onto the putting green.

We all know by now that Tiger Woods is dating an absolutely lovely young woman named Alyse Lahti Johnson, but did you know that she’s been drawing pictures of him since she was a little girl? Like, putting out into the universe that she’s a fan? Dude, that sounds like she accidentally used The Secret to make this relationship happen to me…

From Us Weekly:

In fact, a friend of the grad student tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands now), that Johnson, whose stepfather lives next door to Woods in Windermere, Florida and serves as an executive at his sports management company, used to “draw good luck pictures for Tiger before his tournaments” when she was a child.

“They had photos in their house of their family with Tiger,” says the pal. ”But Alyse never said she was interested in him!”

OK, it’s kinda gross to think that Tiger is dating someone who was once young enough to think that taking a crayon to a sheet of construction paper would bring him good luck, but it’s even grosser to think that she may have brought this relationship upon herself by putting it out into the universe she was interested for more than half of her life.

I’m a big believer in ideas becoming reality after you’ve put them out there enough, so to me this reads like something that Alyse has been hoping for her entire life, but who knows? Either way, who would get with a 2011 Tiger Woods? Protect yourself, Alyse. This dude is a scumbag.

Nothing but the best for our man Tiger, you know? Above you see the mugshot of Alyse Lahti Johnston, Tiger Woods’ rumored new girlfriend. I know we’e not fair for running a foul photo like this to introduce his new lady, but hey. I for sure thought this photo was an ad for acne medicine and ‘Faces of Meth,’ and thought it was definitely appropriate enough for a Monday morning after breakfast.

Johnston is a twenty-two year-old student at Northwood University in West Palm Beach, Florida, and she and Tiger have been spotted numerous times in recent months both on the beaches of Florida and on Tiger’s yacht, which should be aptly named ‘Herpecin,’ or maybe ‘Valtrex.’ The above photo is from a DUI run-in she had back in October of 2010.

Anyway, before you go dismissing these claims because she comes across as just another random, digest this little tidbit: Alyse’s daddy is an executive at IMG, the sports agency that represents Tiger and his golf-playing.

Daddy. must be. SO. PROUD.

Rachel Uchitel, former mistress of Tiger Woods and contestant on Celebrity Rehab, claims that she’s neither a ho nor a homewrecker. In fact, she’s a private investigator. Or, at least, will be, come this December!

Yup. Rachel Uchitel finally breaks her silence to the UK’s Daily Mail about the Tiger Woods affair (OK, well, not too much, or she would have ended up with a bloody horse’s head in her bed, not all that dissimilar from last Christmas) and claims that she’s not only the best of all of the mistresses, but the one with the most teeth.

On former fellow mistress Jaimie Grubbs:

“The poor girl had a tooth missing … Honestly, she was toothless!”

She also claims that all of the other women in Tiger’s life were whores, but not She of the Virgins and of the Crisp Hair:

“People have called me all sorts of names, but they don’t know me.  I am not the same as the other girls … I am only telling my story now so that people can discover what sort of girl I am and learn the truth about me – if they still choose to hate me, then so be it – but I never set out to hurt anyone.”

Uchitel also says that while she appreciates Tiger’s multi-million-dollar payoff, she didn’t need it, ’cause her love don’t cost a thing:

“I have a brain and I came from money. I never needed any man’s money.”

As for her future career aspirations? She wants to add private investigator to her list of wonderful attributes, and will be formally licensed next month:

“Yes, that means I will be hunting down cheating husbands,” she said. “It is all part of me moving on with my life and I figured I may as well do something career-wise that I have a flair for.”

I guess the ‘stripper’ and ‘famewhore‘ positions were filled to the gills at the New York unemployment office. Uchitel strikes me as a ‘take what you can’ type of girl, so private eye it is, guys.  Wish the lady some luck, won’t you?

In her first — and confirmed last — interview, Elin Nordegren speaks out to People magazine about the aftermath of the Tiger Woods scandal and how she’s coping. Elin states that she’s feeling better than ever, won’t let this get her down, and has plans for her future — all of which include her children:

“I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children. [But] I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself.”

And though she’s keeping busy by working toward a college degree, Elin states that family is still her number one priority, even if the father of her children is a douchebag and isn’t a part of the family unit any longer:

“My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal.”

You know what? I got all sorts of good vibes from this interview. I commend her on holding her silence for this long (because really, there’d be very few women — or men, really — who could keep their trap snapped over heinous allegations that were brought forth against their spouses like the ones brought against Woods) and I really believe her when she says that this interview, while her first, will also be her last. I believe her, and I don’t see any tell-all Tiger Woods: Behind the Scenes books in development. At least by Elin, anyway. Rachel Uchitel? Yeah. Probably.

“I feel horrible for him. He loved her. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me. I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

Annnnnnd by ‘everything,’ surely you mean what, Rachel? Your celeb rehab notoriety? Your fatty side of beef-looking lips? Your Botoxed-to-hell face that only a first-year plastic surgeon could love? Your dependencies on various pills? What is it that you’d exactly give up to be with him, girl? I’m listening.