8Love It or Leave It: Paris Hilton on The Cover of Vanity Fair Spain

Because it’s 2007 and everybody still cares about Paris Hilton, right? Yes? Oh … it’s almost 2012? And nobody cares about Paris Hilton? But then what is she doing on the cover of this well-known magazine?

Your guess is as good as mine, friends. But look at that precious dog eyeballing that food! Totally worth it.

December 22, 2011 at 11:30 am by Emily

1Quotables: Paris Hilton is a Gift from God

“One of the reasons God makes celebrities or other people is to give back, and to be able to use it in a positive way.”

And by “give back,” she means that God came down from his gilded throne earlier this year and revealed her true purpose on Earth: to wipe out the influx of her new, fellow reality television stars by spreading fatal STDs amongst those to the likes of The Situation, Farrah Abraham, and Brandi Glanville. Give that back, girl.

Everything finally makes sense now.

December 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

5But Celebrities, How Do You Get All The Money?

Do you ever wonder exactly how people like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton get so incredibly, unbelievably rich with no discernible talent? Or even just any old celebrity, like, say, Beyonce, who, along with husband Jay-Z brought in $72 million this past year alone: yes, they work hard and they’re talented, but how do they get that ungodly amount of money? Sure, there are some cases where these stars come from rich families, but some people are just inexplicably wealthy. Did you ever wonder about how?

If you’re a little curious, check out this little breakdown to see where a lot of this money comes from:

1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight on an endorsement deal.
2. $10,000 per Tweet
3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
4. $10,000 “secret” endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
6. $25,000 for a club appearance
7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity

I can’t.  It’s too early, I’m too broke, I can’t. $10,000 to wear free clothes? $33,000 per lost pound? $10,000 per Tweet? Goddamn. I don’t know whether to try to figure out where I went wrong that I’m not making thousands of dollars for going to a club or to try to figure out where our society went wrong. I think I’m going to settle for somewhere in the middle, and of course by “somewhere in the middle,” I mean “stay in my pajamas all day, watch The Notebook and Beaches over and over, and weep.”

November 22, 2011 at 6:30 am by Emily

4Hey, Who Remembers Paris Hilton?

Is it too soon for that headline? Should we wait, I don’t know, another few weeks before we drag that one out? Either way, I’d say it’s safe to say that Parasite’s career is pretty much done, right? She’s going to have whatever money she’s already got for probably the rest of her life, but there’s not enough money in the world to resurrect the “career” she claimed to have (hear that, Kim Kardashian? Do you hear that?), and she knows it.

So what does she do? Pose provocatively whilst on vacation in hopes that some newspaper or celebrity gossip site – not so unlike this here celebrity gossip site – would pick up the photos and run with them, saying “Ooh, my, Paris is looking so great these days, and she’s toned down all that crazy, and [fill in the blank with other Paris-desired accolades about growing up],” but I can tell you (and Paris) that it’s not going to be found here.

She’s still the same old shapeless, vapid, wonky-faced twit she was back when she was more popular-ish, hanging out with people like Britney and Lindsay, making tacky sex tapes in night vision, and being a racist, classist ho.

Nothing’s changed, really, other than she’s even more pathetic than she used to be because she thinks we’ve forgotten who she is inside.

Go dry up somewhere, Paris.

November 16, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah

3Paris Hilton Dressed Up Like a Ghost and Played the Theremin

Yesterday Paris Hilton tweeted this photo of herself dressed as a ghost. (At least, I hope that’s a ghost costume.)

Anyway. Miss Hilton put on a sheet and played the theremin—which, if the 1950s taught us anything, is the exact sound a ghost would make—at Friday’s Deadmau5 concert in Vegas.

Man. You can put lipstick on a ghost, but underneath, it’s still just Paris Hilton.

September 5, 2011 at 10:30 am by Jenn

2Paris Hilton Tries for Britney-Caliber Fame, Falls Short

What, am I’m saying that any time a celebrity dons a wig of unnatural hair color that it’s automatically akin to Britney’s pink bewigged meltdown? Well, yeah.

I know most of you’d automatically think of Katy Perry when you see the blue wig, but not this girl. I come from the old school of Britney Spears rules and Katy Perry drools. Besides. Who’s gonna remember Katy Perry in four decades, anyway? Yeah, Michael Jackson fans, and nerds worldwide, but come on. There’s really no comparison when you get down to thinking about it.

August 24, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah