This should be fun. I’m thinking, like, ‘Yeasty, rank beaver.’ Or maybe ‘Your rotted bits.’ ‘Yuppie-rich bigot‘? It’s up in the air. I’m going to have to mull this one over for a little while. If you’re feeling creative, figure it out and let me know, won’t you?

Anyway, Paris Hilton was photographed for the cover of YRB, the same magazine that did the weird Khloe Kardashian fetish shoot that made me think of Jack Links beef jerky for some obscure reason, so I’m not going to really ask any questions. I’m just going to point and laugh, because sometimes? You’re made just so uncomfortable by something that it’s all you see fit to do.

I was a total Nickelodeon kid growing up. I watched SNICK every Saturday night, lived for Clarissa Explains It All and never missed a Kids Choice Awards, but now that I’ve seen the photos from Saturday’s show, I’m starting to wonder if I ever had an ounce of taste.

First of all, the entire gallery is made up of some of the most embarrassing photos of celebrities I’ve ever seen. Paris Hilton looks stoned, that one actress from that one thing’s Spanx were exposed on the red carpet, and Johnny Depp is swingin’ around a slime hose like it’s his you-know-what. Did I miss the memo that said the best way to entertain kids is by acting like a complete leotard? Oh, and is Taylor Momsen and all of her inappropriateness even legally allowed in a room with kids under the age of 10?

Did anyone watch the KCAs on Saturday and if so, were they as humiliatingly bad as they look in these photos?

I know, and here we all thought that Paris was a racist bitch who couldn’t stand black guys, but I guess we all look silly now, don’t we?

Paris had a little chit chat with Lil Wayne for the April issue of Interview, and they really hit it off.  It makes total sense if you think about it – have you ever seen a couple of people who’ve never met each other before figure out that they’ve both been locked up?  I mean, I know that’s a really specific event to have witnessed, but have you?  It’s insane.  They’ll hug it out and talk about special punishments and issues they had.  They’re instant BFFs.  And that’s what happened with Lil Wayne and Paris:

“There were times when it was pretty tough to be by yourself, and to have no television, no sort of nothing…I was okay. I did fine,” said Wayne, who released an album in jail.

Hilton, who served 23 days in prison in 2007 after violating her probation for repeatedly driving on a suspended license and ignoring court orders, empathized.

“I know how you feel,” said the 30-year-old socialite. “It’s the best feeling in the world when you come out.”

Hilton and Wayne are currently each working on their music careers. They even exchanged phone numbers for a future collaboration.

“That would be the sickest thing,” said Hilton, who said she hopes to release her second album this summer.

Yes, Paris, it would be “the sickest thing.”  You hold your breath for that to come through.  And while you’re doing that, keep this in mind: only one of you is actually successful.  But hey, I’m sure he’ll call. How could he not?

So here’s a video featuring Paris Hilton and her cronies during a past New Years’ celebration, and if you can stomach sitting through a five-minute video with Paris singing along to ‘We Are Family,’ with lyrics demeaning ‘blacks,’ ‘Jappies,’ ‘Jews,’ and other select words that begin with ‘n’ and ending in ‘r,’ without punching your monitor in the face, then you totally deserve a fucking award of some sort.

I don’t know about you, man, but I think this bitch is just straight-up embarrassing. I don’t give a fuck whether or not this video was taken five years ago or even last month – Paris Hilton is an insufferable twat, something like that doesn’t change overnight, and because of that, she deserves to get her teeth knocked in or, at the very least, punched in her abyss-like vulva. If this is how she acts every time she goes out (even aside from the vulgar racist, classist slurs), I’m wicked surprised that it hasn’t happened sixty-four times over.

Neil Strauss has written a new book called Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead, in which he shares several anecdotes from his interactions with various celebrities over the years. I skimmed a piece about the book on my plane ride to SXSW and the whole thing sounds like a juicy read, but now that I’ve read about his completely awful and totally racist conversation with Paris Hilton, I am for sure picking up a copy of this book.

LA Weekly spilled on Neil’s 1999 encounter with Paris, who was more or less unknown at the time. After popping a hit of E, Paris told Neil about the boob job she had at 14 that her mother later made her undo, and that she was hoping to pose for Playboy in the future. Oh, and there’s a whole thing about how, after making out with Vin Diesel, she was immediately disgusted because she realized he was part black.

From the book:

HILTON: I went out with that guy last night.
Which guy?
HILTON (points to an actor in Saving Private Ryan): We were making out, but then we went somewhere where it was bright and I saw that he was black and made an excuse and left. I can’t stand black guys. I would never touch one. It’s gross. (pauses). Does that guy look black to you?
How black does a guy have to be?
HILTON: One percent is enough for me.

Let’s not act even remotely surprised by this news, because I’m pretty sure we’ve all known for awhile now that Paris Hilton is a racist twit. Still, it’s kind of funny that Paris was getting so fucked up so regularly back then that she had no idea whose tongue was in her mouth, and yet black people are the gross ones. Nice, girl. Nice.

“Anyone that loves animals and is kind like that … she’ll be an incredible mom. I was at Macy’s with her recently and there were 1,000 people there and the little children came up and she lights up. I could see babies and a wedding.”

- Kathy Hilton, musing about her baby girl’s future.

I know, Kathy, Paris would just be the best mom!  Just look at her ever so tenderly cradle that champagne bottle to her mouth, and do you see that wise, knowing glint in her eyes in her third mug shot? That’s the look of a lady who could teach a child a thing or two about the world.  And just think – if Paris gets pregnant soon, by the time she has her baby she won’t even be on parole anymore! Let’s get this family started, what are we waiting for?!