Previously unpublished photos of Marilyn Monroe were published this past weekend on CNN, photos that were found at a garage sale in New Jersey by photographer Anton Fury in the 80′s. The photos were negatives at the time of purchase, and were sold to Fury for $2. Fury claims that he bought the photos simply because they were so old, and had no idea that Marilyn Monroe would be the subject of the photo shoot, which was conducted prior to her star rising to an astronomical level, according to experts.

Monroe is estimated to be 24 in the photos, which were alleged to be taken somewhere in Hollywood.

After viewing these photos, what was true decades ago still remains today: Marilyn Monroe was easily one of America’s most buoyant, magnetic icons, and her beauty will probably be remembered ’til the end of time.

I just can’t imagine, though, why this dude held onto them for so damned long. Seriously.

Photos via CNN via Anton Fury

It’s been reported that Angelina Jolie will be playing Marilyn Monroe in a new film about the actress/model’s life, but Angelina said in a recent interview that not only has she heard nothing about the project, but that she’s not sure if she’d be the right fit for the role. Not only do I agree that there’s just got to be someone out there better suited to play Marilyn, but I’m impressed that Angelina didn’t just do the standard, “I haven’t heard anything about it, but I love the idea,” thing that actors always do in interviews. She like, actually admitted that she probably isn’t the right actress to do the part justice.

While Marilyn and Angelina have their bombsell-status and history of drug use in common, there’s too many things that feel off about this potential casting to me… Yet I’m not sure that there’s anyone else who could pull it off right now, either. It’s gotta be hard casting the part of one of the most beautiful and iconic women in history, ya know?

So let’s play casting couch in the comments. Are there any actresses out there that you think could pull off this part (I swear to G-d, if anyone says Katherine Heigl, I will eat a gun), or are you thinking they’re going to have to find some bombass newcomer like I am?

Are you ready for a confession?  I’m whacked out on NyQuil so my inhibitions are non-existent today.  I’ve never smoked pot — I’m so Natalie Portman.  I mean, I went to a party once, definitely drank too much Southern Comfort — I was in my “I tailgate at Grateful Dead concerts” phase — and a lot of people were smoking pot around me.  I thought that maybe I had a contact high, but I also may have just been hungry.  Anyway, my point is this:  I’m not really educated when it comes to drugs.  So when this 50-year-old home video surfaced of Marilyn Monroe supposedly smoking a joint, I just assumed that was the case.

I watched the clip and I’m here to tell you that no matter how the media wants to report this, there is no evidence that Marilyn is actually smoking pot.  She could easily be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette; they were popular in the fifties.  Anyway, take a look for yourself.  Is MM looking a bit too happy?

I swear to you, if they had video cameras in the caveman era, we’d have footage of caveman celebrities giving blow jobs. Did they have celebrities in the caveman era? I bet they did, but they were probably, like, warrior heroes or something. I bet they’d've made videos of their warrior heroes clubbing women and dragging them off to have sex. And trying to shove, like, warrior wine canisters up their vaginas. You think kinkiness is a modern world thing? I bet not. I bet some of those ancient caveman “artifacts” they have in museums were up a vagina at some point in time. Why do I think like this? I’m so weird.

Anyway.

The New York Post is reporting that there may be a Marilyn Monroe sex tape in circulation. It shows Marilyn performing oral sex on a man whose face is outside the camera frame.

I guess the original was confiscated by the FBI (Seriously? The FBI can confiscate sex tapes? Could they just, like, confiscate Paris Hilton? And redact most parts of her? Please?), but an illegal copy was made years ago, and recently sold on the black market for $1.5 million. The buyer is an unidentified man known only as a “wealthy New York businessman.”

Oh, you know this is Donald Trump.

Says the man who brokered the deal: “He said he’s just going to lock it up. He said, ‘I’m not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I’m not going to sell it, out of respect.’”

This is such bullshit. You know what this is? This is the best way to get new clients in the history of wealthy New York businessmen. You know this dude’s all cold-calling people and being like, “Hey, sign this deal with me, and I’ll have you over for a screening of the Marilyn Blow Job tape.”

It’s soooo Donald Trump.

Side note: I LOVE this picture of Marilyn. You know why? Because she looks like she weighs about what I weigh. And she was STILL a sex symbol. Love it!