Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kim Kardashian

I’ve Got a Lot of Questions About Kris Humphries’ New Photo Shoot

photo of kris humphries pictures photos pics
… But mostly, I think I just really want to know why he’s wearing so much eyeshadow.

I’ve got other questions, too, like ‘how does it feel to be dumped for Kanye West’, and ‘why do Kim’s friends hate Kris so much’, because Kim’s people are blasting him for hanging out in the spotlight where Kim left him. From the Huffington Post:

“The pictures are ridiculous and just go to show how far Kris is willing to go to remain in the public spotlight,” a friend of Kim’s tells me. “I haven’t spoken with Kim about them, but you know she will get a good laugh when she sees them.”

[Another friend says] “He’s a dude, he’s in great shape and very attractive and wanted to show that off,” Derek Warburton tells me. “He was getting pulverized week after week on the cover of every magazine, and he’s cool. I wanted people to see that. This has blown up. Everyone is talking about Kris now.”

But Kris’s rep’s claim that the interview is on the up and up and has nothing to do with exploiting his sham-marriage to Kim any further:

“The allegations that he’s seeking revenge with this photo shoot are false and we remain adamant that personal issues will be handled by his legal team and not in the media.”

So, I don’t know. I just don’t. Is Kris a bad guy? No, I don’t think so. Is he overstaying his welcome in the celebrity world? That’s subjective. Some would argue that because Kim “created” him, he’s got every right to be there. Since she exploited him and molded him to be “famous,” this is the result. Who, after all, has the ultimate authority to decide who deserves to be famous for whatever reasons anyway, when we’ve got people like f-cking Snooki and The Situation and all of those ho-bag teen moms running around? At least Kris Humphries has things going for him – like how he’s, you know, a professional basketball player and not, YOU KNOW, famous for no reason other than the fact that his family has money and can throw it around like it’s piss on a dirty whore.

Of Course Kim Kardashian is Sleeping With Kanye West

photo of kim kardashian dating kanye west pictures photos pics
From TMZ:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating … for real … TMZ has learned.

Sources tell us the relationship is “just starting.” The two were photographed on their way out of a movie date to see “Hunger Games” in NYC last night.

Apparently, Kanye has been after Kim for a while — he just released a new song, “Theraflu” … in which he says he had feelings for the reality star while she was dating Kris Humphries.

“And I admit I fell in love with Kim … ‘Round the same time she fell in love with him … That’s cool, babygirl, do your thing … Lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team.”

Kanye is referring to Jay Z — who owns the NJ Nets … the team Humphries plays for.

Wait. Wait. I want to talk about this lyric, “right around the time she fell in love with him.” She did not fall in love with Kris Humphries, can we just be clear about that? And if this isn’t some kind of f-cked up publicity stunt, then I don’t know what is. Here’s some real talk: Kim Kardashian is a nasty, attention-grabbing ho. And she married a semi-nobody like Kris Humphries for publicity. Why in hell would she do something like that if she knew that Kanye was interested? Bitch, please.

Kim also recently spoke to Cosmo UK, where she claimed that she wasn’t even “close” to being ready to date:

“[I'm] not even close” to dating again. I just don’t believe in one soul mate now. … I think you have different soul mates throughout your life, that your soul needs different things at different times. I do believe in love. I will always believe in love, but my idea has changed from what I’ve always thought.”

She must think that news travels really slow or whatever.

All I know is that Kanye West is the male equivalent of Kim Kardashian, minus all the pee. Thought you knew.

Sorry About the Whole ‘Two Kardashian Posts in One Day’ Thing

Although I suppose we should be broadening the parameters to include week, month, year, and – oh! right – ever.

Let’s just do this one by the numbers, shall we?

At the :13 mark, I just love how Khloe almost biffs and heads down the steps. That are about two and a half inches in rise. Love you girl!

:27. Kris Jenner makes me want to punch small, furry animals in the face. Hard.

:30. Yup. Still wanting to punch small, furry animals in the face.

:35. Any particular reason we’ve had to endure so much of Kris Jenner’s f-cking geriatric shimmying? Anyone?

:47. OF COURSE Kim‘s main lyric is “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” You know what that means, people who don’t speak French? It means WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT. Tramp.

1:04. My four-year-old just asked me why that lady was wiping her bum on the steps. I told her because she was a nasty, nasty lady.

1:10. What’s with the slo-mo hair whipping?

1:20. That’s as low as Kim can go? Doubt it.

1:28. Looks like an excerpt from Kim’s sex tape. Just with clothes and no F-list black man who’d later be partially responsible for the death of Whitney Houston.

Did I miss anything? Covered it all, did I?

This Would Be Kim Kardashian’s Real Butt

photo of kim kardashian in the dominican republic real butt ass pic
Look, it’s Kim Kardashian’s ass on vacation! She’s really taking it easy here, huh? Letting it all hang out, thinking that no one’s there to catch her while she suns her ass … ets. Everyone deserves a vacation, guys. Even lying, cheating, famesluts. That’s probably one of the most difficult, trying jobs of all. You’d need a few days off, too, if you were her.

Also, see this photo of Kim grabbing Wendy’s at the airport in the Dominican Republic on her way home? This one?:

photo of kim kardashian dominican republic airport pics
I was there. Like, literally. I remember how unbelievably open-air the airport was and I marveled at the fact that there were actual operating restaurants inside. I, too, chose the Wendy’s on my way home from the DR, and it was a good choice. See, here’s a photo of me from back in the day eating my Wendy’s and drinking my beers pre-flight:

photo of sarah taylor spangenberg dominican republic trip pics
Don’t laugh, I know. I was wearing my glasses and no bra because I had packed all lacy things and lace sucks on a fresh tan, and also, I was pretty hungover. Plus, if you couple those things with the facts that I was leaving paradise to return to cold weather + no air conditioning during meal time, you’d probably have a sadmad face, too. Anyway, we’re not here to discuss my un-photogenic-ness. We’re here to talk about the validity of Kim Kardashian’s ass. It’s real, guys. There’s no doubt about that. Even though, yeah, she’s Photoshopped for days in all of her ads and staged photo ops and you normally can’t tell her tits from her ass, but these pictures, guys. These pictures. There’s a definite ass-tits differential there, and if – if! – Kim’s ass has been surgically altered (a notion that I’m starting think is wrong more and more as the days go by), then she’s definitely closed up shop on the upkeep and maintenance of her plastic parts. Don’t get me wrong, though, now: it’s a fine, fine ass. It’s just not an ass that I’d pay money for, you know?
And she shouldn’t have, either, if she wasn’t willing to take proper care of the thing.

Bikini images courtesy of The Superficial

Janice Dickinson Still Hates Kim Kardashian

A photo of Janice Dickinson

And boy, does she really, really hate her. Do you remember back in December when I told you guys what Janice Dickinson had to say about Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton? It was pretty rough:

“Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian? Sluts, whores and sluts. That’s what they are. That fake sham marriage was disgusting because they did it for money! She’s a fraud, she’s a hoax.”

Janice here really isn’t afraid to say whatever comes to mind, is she? It’s sort of refreshing, or at least it is when you’re not the subject of her words or when you don’t ever have to hear them in person. Janice is surely That Friend, the one that’s brutally honest to the point of hurting your feelings. “Wow, you look so fat in that dress. How are you so fat?” she’d say as she pawed all over your tummy and backside. No thanks.

But hey, we aren’t her friends, you guys! So we can just sit back and watch Janice spew the truth with no fear at all. Let’s do that as she tells us what she thinks about Kim Kardashian and the infamous flour debacle, shall we?

“Throwing flour on someone is rude! I think Kim should be tarred and feathered! I support PETA. Anyone that wears fur is rude and disgusting! Especially Kim Kardashian. She is rude and disgusting.”

I know a lot of you guys won’t argue the rude and disgusting part, but do you think she should be tarred and feathered? Like maybe we should bring back that practice real quick so Kim can learn a lesson? Is that too far? Can anyone draw up some sketches real quick about what it would look like if Kim was covered in tar and feathers so we can think this through a little more? Be sure and do justice to her beautiful cry-face.

Let’s Kick The Day Off With Some Cleavage!

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Kim Kardashian

I ask you, is there any better way to start the day off than by checking out some titties? I sincerely doubt it. In this crazy world where so often up is down and wrong is right, there are but a small handful of things that are pure and good. These things include chocolate covered strawberries, kisses from kittens, the artwork of Lisa Frank, and, yes, titties. If I could, I would send you all delicious desserts and precious baby animals and glittery masterpieces, but I can’t. However, I can, and I will, give you titties.

Or, ok, cleavage.

And no, your eyes don’t deceive you! If you picked up the context clues from the photo above, you probably guessed that you’ll be seeing the cleavage of both Snooki and Kim Kardashian. Two of your favorites! Isn’t this your lucky day?

First, there’s Snooki, bearing her pregnancy boobs:

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Snooki posted that picture to her Twitter account, along with the caption “I got swagger with my pregnant self.” Sure, Snooks, if by “swagger” you mean “swollen breasts and a low cut shirt.” That’s crazy, right? I’ve heard about the pregnancy boobs, but all the ladies I’ve known with children were pretty well endowed to begin with, and they didn’t really change all that much in that way. I’ve read that women can go up like three cup sizes though during pregnancy, and even a couple more after they give birth, and that just blows my mind.

And now let’s check out Kim Kardashian’s regular old non-pregnant boobs:

A photo of Kim Kardashian

Kim also posted this on Twitter, and her caption was “what I would look like with light eyes.” Because she totally wants you to look at her eyes.

I have a few more issues with Kim’s picture than I had with Snooki’s. First off, what’s with the open mouth? I know that it’s a pretty common thing to do in “modelling,”, and sometimes it even looks nice, but there’s a difference between having your lips parted and having your mouth gaping open. One can look sexy, the other looks … well, just check out Kim’s picture one more time. And while you’re up there, be sure and take an extra glance at her cleavage. It looks sloppy, right? And no one likes sloppy cleavage. I know going strapless is harder for busty girls, but I promise, it’s not impossible. Also, Kim, definitely stick to the brown eyes, sister.

And there you go! I assume I’ll get into some more intellectual matters (LOL) later in the day, but for now, let’s take this Saturday morning easy, all right?

Look, It’s Another Kardashian Ad!

A photo of Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Kourtney Kardashian

It’s an ad for the new Kardashian Kollection swimwear collection, and unlike that lingerie ad, this one hasn’t been Photoshopped at all!

Oh goodness, you guys, I can’t keep that up all the way throughout this whole story: the Kardashians are Photoshopped. There, I said it. They’ve been ridiculously Photoshopped. Just look at Khloe and her torso. Do you see her waist? Or rather, her lack of one? I’m not calling her fat, because she’s not, I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure her waist measurement isn’t the same as an eight-year-old’s. But really, get a good look at her hand there: hand on hip, pretty normal pose, right? Except after the Photoshopping, she’s just got her fingers oddly placed on her waist, and what used to be her hip has been replaced with air. I’m not even going to start on Kourtney and Kim. The magic of editing, right?

Of course, all the Kardashian girls have already expressed their excitement over the photo. Kim did it by way of her blog, and Kourtney and Khloe went through their beloved Twitter, but here’s what they had to say:

Kim: “We’re so proud of the swimwear collection and I think you guys are going to love it!! I’m wearing the blue ruffle bikini, which is one of my favorites!”

Kourtney: “Ready for summer in my Kardashian Kollection bikini! What do you guys think?”

Khloe: “Love this new pic of me and my sisters rocking our Kardashian Kollection swimwear line!!!!  So ready for summer!!!!!”

What I want to know is how this whole thing happens at all. I know that excessive Photoshopping is pretty much the norm nowadays, but how does it work? Do the models see the pictures and go “oh my gosh, no, edit out the majority of my body,” or do photographers and editors sit the models down and let them know that they plan on editing out the majority of their bodies? Do the models just assume that once the photos actually get to where they’re going they’ll inevitably be Photoshopped beyong recognition? Are the models ever upset about it, do they worry that they’re not pretty enough already, or is it just part of the procedure now? And lastly and most importantly, does anyone really think that we won’t notice?