Here are photos of Kim Kardashian wearing something that resembles something that I used to sleep in when I was, like, eight. The only difference here is that my romper-thing was lavender, and it wasn’t nearly as tight around the ass as hers so obviously is. And my heavens, what an ass that is! I’m not quite sure that I’ve ever truly seen Kim Kardashian’s ass at a full-on angle like this before, but I know that I’ll probably never look at another ass the same way.

Like, EVER IN MY LIFE.

For instance, see that picture up there?  See all those little baby hairs around her forehead?  Yeah, that picture’s a couple years old, and if you check out current pictures of Kim, you can see that she LASERED THEM OFF. SHE LASERED HER FOREHEAD BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED OF WAXING THEM. SHE WAXED HER FOREHEAD.  Is anyone else as creeped out/disturbed/disgusted at that as I am?

If that doesn’t make you feel weird, how about this: she started getting weekly bikini waxes at 12 years old.  Honestly, what is wrong with this family?

The good news: she doesn’t make her troll wax off all the hair on his junk, because “I definitely don’t like it if there’s, like, nothing there, it’s weird, but I like it to be well groomed.” Small miracles, am I right?

Oopsie! You’ll never see a full-on view of Kim Kardashian‘s cooter wearing those things. Those … Spanx things. But let’s be honest and call them what they really are: they’re girdles, aren’t they. GIRDLES. I know that the term ‘girdle’ isn’t nearly as provocative and sexual as ‘Spanx,’ but a rose by any other name still smells as sweet, right? We’ll go with GIRDLE today.

I never really got the whole girdle thing, anyway. I mean, I know they’re designed to hold in any wobbly bits, and make you look less bouncy in a dress, but at the end of the night, when the girdle comes off, is it all BA-ROOOM IN YOUR FACE? And isn’t that kind of a surprise for everyone involved? Frankly speaking, Kim Kardashian’s a hot woman. And she’s a lot like my girl Jennifer Love Hewitt. I could give a crap less about how much your ass wiggles when you walk or if you’ve got cellulite or strech marks. Spanx have a funny name, and they look funny when your dress blows up. I’d rather see real women than real-sucked-in women any day of the week, and if that means subjecting myself to vadge and body parts au natural, I suppose there could be worse things to witness, you know?

Pardon the headline, it’s awfully The Rules-y of me, but I’m pretty sure that if Kim Kardashian ever wants to marry her boyfriend of five months, Kris Humphries (and she soooo does,) she needs to stop being so vocal about her desires to get hitched.

According to Life & Style, Kim’s already got her engagement ring picked out. A source close to Kim told the magazine, “Her idol is Elizabeth Taylor, who was a good friend of Lorraine’s, so she wants to take inspiration from one of Elizabeth’s prized possessions: her famous cushion-cut Krupp diamond. Kim’s been talking to Lorraine about it a lot lately.”

What’s crazier than that though? Kim herself also told them she has her dream dress all picked out. She was quoted as saying, “I’ve envisioned the whole thing. I can’t wait to get married. I’ve found my wedding dress – I mean, I already know what my gown is going to look like. I’ve thought about it all for so long.”

Wedding day dreams aren’t illegal, but blabbing about them to the press is kind of insane. In fact, it seems kind of like self-sabotage if you have a single clue rolling around in your brain (which is very well may not.)

Your ass ain’t that great, Kim.

Hey, look, Kim’s butt is on its way out of the gym. Or to the gym. I don’t know, and you know what? I don’t care, either. These photos are just all sorts of glorious, and they’re appropriate for wasting away a few hours on a Friday morning or afternoon, when you know you’d rather be looking at Kim Kardashian‘s body than doing whatever it is you do at work, because really - *is there ANYTHING more important on this great day than Kim Kardashian’s ass?

*No.  The answer to that question is a definitive, emphatic ‘no.’

Kim Kardashian just did the cover of Cosmopolitan UK and the girl looks good. She also has absolutely nothing else to bring to the table, so like, she’d better look good.

I skimmed Kim’s interview, but didn’t get much further than this little anecdote about her teen years, “I see ridiculous stories about my butt, like how it has been insured. I feel like saying, ‘Hey, everyone has a butt. It’s not that big a deal!’ But I suppose it’s flattering. Personally, I’ve always loved the curvy look. Even when I was a little girl and all my friends would be like, ‘Oh, my god, your butt’s so big,’ And I’d say, ‘I love it.’”

Another truly fascinating story from one of the Kardashian Sisters. Glad that I can go about my day knowing that Kim’s always felt good about her ass. Her tits? That’s a whole different story, but the ass? Oh, yeah. She’s fine with that.