Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kim Kardashian

Missed the VMAs? Let me catch you up!

Did you miss last night’s MTV Video Music Awards? You’re not alone. I generally purposely try to miss the broadcast, but for whatever reason, I actually tuned in this year – via torrent, of course, which means I got to skip over the seemingly endless ad breaks. Here are the 10 moments that people are talking about/will make you seem totally “on it” around the water cooler at work.

Beyoncé. Everything Beyoncé.

Beyonce Jay-Z Bluey Ivy VMAs

Beyoncé was given the Video Vanguard Award after giving an incredible performance of a medley of pretty much every single song on the self-titled album. I know I get a bit Beyoncé-d out sometimes, but you can’t deny she’s an incredibly accomplished performer and that award was extremely well-deserved. Jay-Z bringing little Blue Ivy up on stage to hand her the statue at the end was the extra cherry on top. SO CUTE.

Blue Ivy VMAs

Miley Cyrus got a homeless man to accept her award.

miley cyrus homeless man VMAs

Miley Cyrus won Video of the Year, but instead of accepting the award herself, she sent a homeless man from the area on stage to represent the homeless community in Los Angeles and bring awareness to the cause. Miley was in tears the whole time he was speaking, but I can’t tell if this was genuine or some weird hacky PR move. I’m feeling optimistic today, so I’ll go with the former.

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Kim Kardashian donates most of her “charity” proceeds to herself

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Kim Kardashian is the WORST. Not only is she selifsh and hell-bent on promoting an insidious brand of idiocy that is numbing the brains of human beings around the world, but she’s also kind of a shitty person, too, as it turns out. Why do I say something so definite about her? I mean, after all, she does so much charity work and really gives back! Problem is, the person she’s giving back to is herself.

From Radar Online:

In December 2013, Kardashian bragged about giving 10% of November proceeds to Life Change Community Church, a ministry founded and supported by her mom, Kris Jenner.

And though Kardashian’s financial records are private, and the church, as a tax-exempt organization, does not keep public records, Radar has uncovered 2013 tax documents from the company that processes charitable giving on eBay, revealing a glimpse of how much Kardashian gave, and how much she kept to herself.

According to the Paypal Charitable Giving Fund tax documents, Life Change Community Church received $44,917 from eBay sales in 2013. What was Kardashian’s cut?

She’s said, “When the eBay numbers get broken down, the auction management agency that posts for me gets a percentage for all their hard work, then, eBay listing fees, end of auction fees, eBay Store fees, Paypal fees, etc, all add up to about half the sale. Then I give 10% to charity.”

That means that in 2013, based off the amount Life Change received, the total amount of the sales could be roughly $898,340, making Kardashian’s final cut as much as $404,253. (While portions of sales could have come from other eBay members, Kardashian is by far the most prominent.)

I mean, look – maybe there’s a logical explanation to this. After all, Kim’s looks won’t last forever and once they’re gone, she’s got zero career. She has no discernable talent and has never actually worked a day in her life, so maybe she’s panicking about not being able to provide for herself or buy new thong bikinis to take selfies in if she runs short on money?

In all seriousness, this is disgusting. What a greedy human being – no wonder most charities don’t even want her in the first place.

Jessica Simpson wants a Kim Kardashian ass

jessica simpson kim kardashian

Jessica Simpson may have shed pounds and got super ripped lately, but apparently she’s still not happy with her body and is considering surgical enhancements to her backside to get an ass more like Kim Kardashian‘s. GOD NO.

From The National Enquirer (LOL) (via Radar Online):

“Jessica has always felt competitive with Kim, but since she got her figure back it’s gone up another level. She’s been poring over photos of Kim’s butt for weeks, studying it from as many angles as she can,” an insider told The National ENQUIRER.

“But Jess realizes there’s no way she could get a sexy booty like Kim’s with just exercise. So she’s been looking into fillers and various butt lift options to see which procedure will give her the same shape.”

“She’s checking out all other options first before going under the knife, but Jessica wants people to be talking about her booty before the end of the year.”

I mean, this has got to be a joke, right? Nevermind the source – I just can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to look like a walking piece of plastic with a massive ass. Leave it alone, girl. Even Kim didn’t get her “sexy booty” (barf) with just exercise. It’s fat from other parts of her body shot into her ass with a needle. HELLO.

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Kanye West wants your money to buy Kim Kardashian a cathedral

kim kardashian kanye west

Yes, you read that headline right. Kanye West – the man who thought it prudent to put a $100,000 golden toilet in a house he never actually ended up living in – is trying to give Kim Kardashian a cathedral because… well, who the hell knows why these two idiots do anything? Oh, and the best part: he wants YOU to donate towards this endeavour.

From The Daily Mail:

‘They want somewhere that weddings, baptisms and family funerals can take place for years to come,’ a source told the U.S. publication. ‘But Kanye being Kanye, it’s going to be ludicrously over the top!’

Barcelona’s still unfinished Roman Catholic church was designed by Catalan architect Antoni Gaudí and began construction in 1882.

‘Kanye has visited the church several times, and it takes his breath away every time,’ the insider revealed. ‘He’s always wanted something similar for his own family.’

The rapper, who called his last album Yeezus, is now said to be on the look out for the perfect spot to build his over-the-top place of worship.

And naturally, it will be an homage to himself and Kim, with even a fancy stained glass window featuring himself, his wife and their one-year-old daughter North.

‘Kanye sees it as a monument to him and Kim that will become a major landmark,’ the source declared.’He says everyone will want to see it, like the Hollywood sign or the Empire State Building.

The 37-year-old star has apparently set aside a cool $5 million for the project with plans afoot to start an online appeal so fans can donate to the fund.’

Uh, how about these two fuck off? The day I donate a single penny to anything either of them do – especially when they make more money in a day than I probably will all year is also the same day I check myself into a mental institution, because I will have clearly lost my mind.

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Kim Kardashian wants to ruin another child’s life

kim kardashian today show

It’s bad enough that poor little North West will have to deal with the fact that she’s the child of the biggest narcissists in the world, but things are about to get a whole lot worse. Kim Kardashian wants to have at least one more child, possibly two, and plans to get started on that with “the smartest fucking celebrity you’ve ever dealt with” Kanye West in the near future.

Appearing on the TODAY show on Tuesday, Kimmycakes opened up about her desire to expand her family:

“If I could just snap my fingers and have four, I’d have four. But I do realize I’m going to have to go through the pregnancy again … [and my first] was a really difficult pregnancy so it’s tough.

Of course I want to have another child. I would love two more but we’ll see. I’m going to have one more and see what it’s like.”

She also claimed that she was terrified while pregnant of what motherhood would be like, but it’s been “so worth it” and more since she has nannies to actually do the child raising and she just borrows North when she wants to take an Instagram selfie with her.

Oh, and another hilarious bit: Kim says that every time North sees a paparazzo, she makes a “mean angry Kanye face” at them. I don’t think that’s something to brag about: your child is miserable and your husband is an asshole. Not particularly a laughing matter.

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Kim Kardashian is releasing a book of her selfies

kim kardashian

No one loves themselves quite as much as Kim Kardashian does, so it probably comes as no surprise that she’s releasing a book of some of the selfies she’s taken over the past year or two – and there are plenty to choose from.

From E! Online:

“It ended up turning out so cool that we came up with this idea to do a book—a selfie book,” Kim said during an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. “I’m going to make some, like, super-racy. I mean, every girl takes like full like pictures of their ass in the mirror.”

The $19.95 hardcover tome of 352 pages is set to be published by Rizzoli’s Universe imprint in April 2015.

Wait, so… every girl takes pictures of her ass in the mirror? When did this become a thing, because I certainly don’t – and I’m sure plenty of you guys don’t, right? Especially not when you’re “soooo fat” and desperate to lose weight? Of course, people will buy this shit anyway, despite the fact that you can get every last one of these and then some on her Instagram page for free.  Kim is a very shrewd businesswoman, clearly.

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Kim Kardashian Megapost: Name changes, fat asses and more!

kim kardashian west

I’m trying to be helpful here and show mercy here by condensing all the Kim Kardashian news you can handle into one post instead of spreading it throughout the day, because that’s just cruel. I couldn’t do it to you. So let’s just get down to the nitty gritty, shall we?

First order of business: Kim “officially” changed her legal last name to West, apparently. She announced this on Instagram, as you do, with the photo above – which she claims is her new passport photo, by the way. Like, what? Considering the photo is about 80% forehead and it’s clearly taken from above, I’m not quite sure it’s legal to use it on a passport, but whatever. She’s said before that her name is her brand so she couldn’t really change it, so I’m imagining this is just for documentation purposes and she will not be Kim West anytime soon in public. Also, for someone so rich, she sure is bad at contouring. Disaster!

kim kardashian kylie jenner

The other story is that Kim went on Twitter and started whining about how fat she is and how she desperately needs to get skinny again and is going off carbs so she can get rid of her big ass and hips and get back to her pre-baby weight. She even put a photo of herself at dinner with sister Kylie Jenner, admonishing her for “trying to make [her] eat carbs”. Insert eyeroll here.

kim kardashian diet

kim kardashian diet 2

kim kardashian diet 3

Why do I feel like she’s finally starting to regret shooting fat into her ass at the cosmetic surgeon’s office a few years back to get the legendary Kim Kardashian backside? Look, Kim Kardashian is not fat, and she knows she’s not fat – she’s carrying on like that in a public forum for attention because that’s the name of the game. But seriously, if she really is feeling the pressure all of a sudden to lose more weight, I have a sneaking suspicion that’s coming from Kanye “my woman is the most perfect in the world” West.

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