Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Khloe Kardashian

Sorry About the Whole ‘Two Kardashian Posts in One Day’ Thing

Although I suppose we should be broadening the parameters to include week, month, year, and – oh! right – ever.

Let’s just do this one by the numbers, shall we?

At the :13 mark, I just love how Khloe almost biffs and heads down the steps. That are about two and a half inches in rise. Love you girl!

:27. Kris Jenner makes me want to punch small, furry animals in the face. Hard.

:30. Yup. Still wanting to punch small, furry animals in the face.

:35. Any particular reason we’ve had to endure so much of Kris Jenner’s f-cking geriatric shimmying? Anyone?

:47. OF COURSE Kim‘s main lyric is “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” You know what that means, people who don’t speak French? It means WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT. Tramp.

1:04. My four-year-old just asked me why that lady was wiping her bum on the steps. I told her because she was a nasty, nasty lady.

1:10. What’s with the slo-mo hair whipping?

1:20. That’s as low as Kim can go? Doubt it.

1:28. Looks like an excerpt from Kim’s sex tape. Just with clothes and no F-list black man who’d later be partially responsible for the death of Whitney Houston.

Did I miss anything? Covered it all, did I?

Look, It’s Another Kardashian Ad!

A photo of Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Kourtney Kardashian

It’s an ad for the new Kardashian Kollection swimwear collection, and unlike that lingerie ad, this one hasn’t been Photoshopped at all!

Oh goodness, you guys, I can’t keep that up all the way throughout this whole story: the Kardashians are Photoshopped. There, I said it. They’ve been ridiculously Photoshopped. Just look at Khloe and her torso. Do you see her waist? Or rather, her lack of one? I’m not calling her fat, because she’s not, I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure her waist measurement isn’t the same as an eight-year-old’s. But really, get a good look at her hand there: hand on hip, pretty normal pose, right? Except after the Photoshopping, she’s just got her fingers oddly placed on her waist, and what used to be her hip has been replaced with air. I’m not even going to start on Kourtney and Kim. The magic of editing, right?

Of course, all the Kardashian girls have already expressed their excitement over the photo. Kim did it by way of her blog, and Kourtney and Khloe went through their beloved Twitter, but here’s what they had to say:

Kim: “We’re so proud of the swimwear collection and I think you guys are going to love it!! I’m wearing the blue ruffle bikini, which is one of my favorites!”

Kourtney: “Ready for summer in my Kardashian Kollection bikini! What do you guys think?”

Khloe: “Love this new pic of me and my sisters rocking our Kardashian Kollection swimwear line!!!!  So ready for summer!!!!!”

What I want to know is how this whole thing happens at all. I know that excessive Photoshopping is pretty much the norm nowadays, but how does it work? Do the models see the pictures and go “oh my gosh, no, edit out the majority of my body,” or do photographers and editors sit the models down and let them know that they plan on editing out the majority of their bodies? Do the models just assume that once the photos actually get to where they’re going they’ll inevitably be Photoshopped beyong recognition? Are the models ever upset about it, do they worry that they’re not pretty enough already, or is it just part of the procedure now? And lastly and most importantly, does anyone really think that we won’t notice?

And Now the Kardashians Have a Lingerie Line, Too

photo of kardashian lingerie collection pictures photos 2012 pic
You know, there’s a question that’s been burning deep inside of me for quite some time now (and no, it’s not just the kidney stones, either) and I need an answer. I need one. Why do photographers feel the compulsion to Photoshop such hellacity into each and every one of the Kardashians’ faces? Putting all biases aside, they’re pretty enough girls. They do alright on their own. Why interfere in that with poorly-done computer-generated imagery when things are just fine the way they are? Because do you see the above ad for the Kardashians’ new lingerie collection at Sears? It’s flat-out awful. Just … bad. Of course, the lingerie is just fine, and even though all three of them are way bustier than they appear to be in real life, the girls’ faces are just too much for me to handle, and not in a warm, fuzzy way. It’s all way too much.

Khloe, though, for one? Well, she loves the way the photo looks. On Twitter she said, “OMG how fab is this new ad for Kardashian Kollection lingerie?!? Nothing makes me feel sexier, plus it’s all so comfy! Killing two birds with one stone! LOL.” Comfy? Lingerie is comfy? In what parallel universe is lingerie comfy? See, when I think ‘comfy,’ I think ‘granny flannel’ and ‘argyle knee socks’. ‘Yoga pants’ and ‘camisoles’. Definitely not abrasive lace that always rubs your cracks and crevices the wrong way, padded underwires that poke and prod and bruise ribs, or thigh-highs that don’t want to stay up on their own. But yeah. ‘Comfy’, right?

Incidentally, the shoot was done by Annie Leibovitz, whose work becomes more and more questionable as the days go by. Also, what’s with the spray-tanner, and why is it so heavily concentrated on their faces? Is someone trying to send a message here?

The ladies may be quite pretty, and everyone likes lingerie (though let’s not fool ourselves with words like ‘comfy’ here), but this ad? It’s just complete crap, much like the quality of lingerie sold at Sears probably is anyway.

Scott Disick Schools Khloe Kardashian

A photo of Khloe Kardashian and Scott Disick

This is really bizarre, ok? Are you ready for it?

Khloe Kardashian and Scott Disick had a minor spat on Khloe’s radio show in Dallas. That’s nothing new, of course. What is new, however, is that I am taking Scott’s side. Crazy, right? Just check out what went down:

Khloe Kardashian is a fan favorite, but she may have lost herself some followers when she used a gay slur during her March 8 “Mix Up w/ Khloe Kardashian Odom” radio show!

Khloe, 27, said the word on her program “Mix Up w/ Khloe Kardashian Odom” on Dallas radio stationMix 102.9. Kardashian family mainstay Scott Disick called in for an interview, and it was fun until Khloe made a VERY inappropriate comment while talking about Scott, 28, and his accessory choices.

“What kind of homo are you?” she asked. “Seriously? That is not what men…a straight man doesn’t carry a Birkin Bag.”

Scott quickly took offense to the statement, retorting, “Listen to me. First of all, you shouldn’t say homo on the radio. It’s not a bad thing to be a homosexual. You’re making it sound like a negative thing. Third I’m not a homosexual. Fourth, I didn’t come out of the closet. It’s a man bag.”

Instead of hanging her head in shame, Khloe then dug herself deeper on the issue, saying, “First of all, let me just tell you: I am the queen of my gay community which I love and adore. And I promote doing the tranny look-alike contest. I am queen bee over here so don’t even try it.”

Of course Khloe Kardashian is my favorite Kardashian, and I think Scott’s a major asshole, though lately he seems to be getting his life together. That’s what makes this so weird, the role reversal. I wouldn’t have thought that Khloe and Scott would ever have an exchange where I went “wow, Khloe, you need to take a listen to Scott Disick,” but I just did.

I mean, besides the obvious offensive slur, it’s just so insanely immature to call a dude a homo for carrying a purse. I get wanting to rag on somebody, but come up with a better way to do it that I didn’t hear about a zillion times in middle school, and maybe focus on something that doesn’t offend the community of which you claim to be the queen. Also, if you’re going to pick on a guy, don’t pick on him for being smart enough to understand the amazing convenience of the purse. It just doesn’t makes sense.

What do you guys think? Scott totally comes out of this looking like the better person, am I right? Does that blow your mind as much as it blows mine?

Khloe Kardashian Doesn’t Know Who Her Biological Father Is Either

A photo of Khloe Kardashian

She’s also a love sick cowgirl, obviously. And that’s why we love this girl.

But you know how we’ve been talking about the true identity of Khloe Kardashian‘s biological father for months now? We’ve heard that it could be anyone from O.J. Simpson to … uh … any other man that lived in or around L.A. during the time that Khloe was conceived, but the one thing we seem to have settled on is that it probably isn’t Robert Kardashian. If you look at Robert Kardashian’s other kids, it just seems suspicious, doesn’t it?

The official word from the Kardashian camp all this time has been “of course Robert Kardashian is Khloe’s bio dad, don’t be ridiculous.” But now we’re hearing quite a bit from Khloe herself, who admits that yeah, she doesn’t really know any more than we do:

Khloe Kardashian, 27, cracked a lot of jokes about not knowing who her dad is but seriously admitted that she really doesn’t know if Robert Kardashian is actually her biological father.

“Do you know who my daddy is? I don’t either, honey!” she told  DJ Swag on New York’s Hot 97 on Feb. 15, while on air to promote the second season of Khloe & Lamar, premiering Feb 19.  “Well I know, my dad is my dad…but geez everyone is confusing me at this point!”

Her dad is her dad? Like, what does that mean?

“I’m Armenian, well now — supposedly, if that is my dad…my dad’s mom has very pale skin, blonde hair, blue eyes, but my sisters are all cookie-cutter kids, and even my brother is dark and I came out very light, blonde curly, curly, curly hair, like an afro and green eyes.”

Although her family has teased her entire life about not being a real Kardashian, Khloe admits she’s never gotten a DNA test to confirm if the late Robert Kardashian is her pops.

“I actually DNA tested my mom, but now people are saying ‘No, we’re not questioning you’re mom, we’re questioning your father,’” she said. “She’s my mom, but yeah, I have no idea who my dad is, I guess?”

Despite our confusion on her self-professed confusion, Khlo says she’s fine if people are convinced her dad is O.J. Simpson or even Kris Jenner’s hairdresser Alex Roldan; like some people have suggested, she just doesn’t like it when she hears the rumor that “someone was saying this is my father’s dying confession.”

“So questioning me being a Kardashian…do whatever you want, but do not bring my father into it because he’s not here, that’s what I got most offended about,” she said.

Being a father is one thing, but being a baby daddy is an entirely different thing. Is she making that distinction?

Poor Khloe. I hope that, if she feels the need for it, she learns the truth. But not on a television show. I know it’s a lost cause at this point, but please, stay classy, Kris Jenner.

LOOK HOW GOOD KHLOE LOOKS.

photo of khloe kardashian hot pictures photos pics
I can’t get over this. Khloe Kardashian moves away from her family to Dallas for her husband’s basketball career and something amazing happens. Something unbelievable. Something flat-out unfathomable: she’s come into her own and she really, really IS the best Kardashian. How many times have we said it on this site before I finally, actually believed it? Man. Probably a million at this point. And did you ever expect anything like it? I sure as hell didn’t.

I mean, yeah, she totally looks like she’s rocking a sixteen-inch penis in the above photo, and though I’m curiously aroused by it, I’m willing and able to look past that to see the difference that’s obvious to anyone who looks close enough: Khloe looks happy, confident, and healthy away from the poisonous gas that her phantom life-suck mother and sisters (Kim, specifically speaking) constantly leak like a half-senile, incontinent old woman.

It’s almost as if finding out that a man almost completely outside the ring of fire (read: Kris Jenner’s vagina) fathered her and has utterly freed her to be what she’s always been meant to be: not a Kardashian. Not a Jenner. Yeah, Kris Jenner’s still her mother (or so we think), but this separation puts enough degrees of difference in there that Khloe could feasibly renounce her mother’s maternity and move on to live an almost-normal life. Honestly, the girl’s only twenty-seven years old. Just think – in another twenty-seven years, people might start to forget who Kris Jenner (not to mention the other Kardashians) is.

That’s it! That’s all you need to do, K. Pick up the Odom surname indefinitely, keep your ass in Texas, and sever all ties with Those Who Aren’t Good Enough to Lick the Slime Off Your Boots.

I’m strictly speaking on behalf of your better interest, girl.

BREAKING: Khloe Kardashian’s Paternity Confirmed

photo of khloe kardashian and her real father pictures photos pics twitter photo
Well, OK, not “confirmed,” but this here photo, posted on Kylie Jenner’s Twitter with the obvious caption of, “First official photo of my sister and her dad! Like father like daughter!” is definitely reason enough to say, “Yeah, this is definitely the dude that got wicked wasted one night, accidentally slept with Kris Jenner, and changed the face of the Kardashians forever in siring the only ‘normal’ Kardashian in life – Khloe Kardashian.”

So, anyway, aside from that, did you guys think you’d ever see a photo like this? And hard as I try, I don’t see any evidence of Photoshopping, so it looks like Khloe here is definitely familiar with Kris Jenner‘s former “hair dresser” (and that term taken out of context really sort of makes me regurgitate last night’s dinner), Alex Roldan. And really, one way or the other, aren’t they sweet?

So! I guess the question we should be asking here is “Is this for real, or is little Jenner making a big joke out of something that’s not true at all?” If looks can factor into it at all – and personally, I think they should; you know, that whole crazy “genetics” thing – I think that there’s positively no shadow of a doubt that this dude here is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. And maybe if he’s Kris’s ‘former’ hair dresser, and is no longer in her life, and Khloe’s out of the Kardashian Kompound and living in Dallas, Texas – just MAYBE it’s high time for girlfriend to make a break for herself and dissociate herself from the Kardashian-Jenners altogether. Now’s the perfect time, if I say so myself.

I’M IN YOUR CORNER, KHLOE, WOO.