So there Keanu was, just chilling in his seat like an everybro, when he noticed a woman lugging a really big Adidas bag. And he asked her if she wanted his seat, and she said yes, and nary a flicker of recognition dartled across her face.
Real heroism is made up of tiny, barely-noticeable acts of kindness, so I hereby christen Keanu Hero of the Day.
December 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm by Jenn
“I draw a hot sorrow bath. In my despair room,” reads one line.
Each page of the book features a line more somber than the last — printed in large ink blot letters that look as though they’ve been smudged by falling tears. The book ends with a single black hole and the words, “It can always be worse.”
Oh, Keanu, I feel your pain so deeply, for I, too, know the false comfort of a hot sorrow bath, and I, too, know the beauty of a notebook full of emotions and self loathing and words made unrecognizable by tears of anguish. I know you, Keanu, and I hope you can find some solace in that.
Oh, wait … you’re joking?
“I was in my kitchen hanging out with my friend Janey, and the radio was on,” Reeves said in explaining the inception of his book. “And this station was playing, like, an orgy of depressing, self-pitying, nostalgic music … It was so voluptuously horrible. And I just started to write on this piece of paper, because I had this image of, you know, that moment when you take a bath, you light that candle, and you’re really just kind of depressed. And it was making Janey laugh so hard, I just kept going, piling on the self-pity.”
Well, then I’ll weep for my lost brother in torment during my next hot sorrow bath. I’ll also eagerly await Keanu’s next book idea to pan out – he calls it Haikus of Hope, and it would be “basically like, ‘I want to kill myself,’ and go from there.” Such an artist, that Keanu.
June 20, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Emily
Photos via JustJared
I don’t know about you guys, but I can watch Keanu Reeves do just about anything, so when I woke up this morning to find that the Christmas special of Saved by the Bell was on (the two-parter where Zack falls in love with the homeless girl who works at the mall, could you just die?!) and that there were a bunch of pictures of Keanu shopping for a tree on Christmas Eve, I thought it was Christmas all over again, natch. I hope you find as much glee in these pictures as I do, whether it’s from Keanu’s lady friend‘s odd penchant for clapping, their tree on top of Keanu’s tiny little car, or the flip book that you plan on making from the pictures (other people are going to do that too, right?).
Anyway, how was your Christmas? Did you have tons of fun? Any drug benders I need to know about? Yeah, mine was all right. I had fun while I was by myself, doing my hair and watching A Christmas Story for like six solid hours, but then I went to my grandma’s and was immediately attacked by everyone in my family under 35 because apparently on Thanksgiving I told them that I was going to wear a Jesus costume and bring birthday cake. To tie this all together, at that moment, I felt just like Keanu, awash in a sea of evergreen and disappointment.
December 27, 2010 at 12:00 pm by Emily
Like Michael Lohan and Joe Francis before him, it looks like Keanu Reeves has joined the ranks of the Crazy Eyes, that elite task force of dicks and douchebags alike. I’m not sure when it happened – it seems like only yesterday he was being a harmlessly horrible actor and starring in a hilarious meme – but that doesn’t matter now. Keanu has lost his soul, and there’s nothing that can be done about that.
I’ll tell you my story of Soulless Keanu, just for the sake of solidarity. I was browsing through potential pictures to show you guys, keeping an eye on the “Bridezillas” marathon while I did so, and then I saw the unmistakable form of Keanu in a thumbnail. Feeling a strange sense of dread and fear, I opened the picture, and all of my happiness and joy was sucked out of me into the vacuum that is Keanu’s stare. And I faltered for a moment, I did, but then I remembered my duties, and here we are. Don’t ever say I never warned you about the demons gathering around us.
Feel free to share your story in the comments. This is a safe place.
December 5, 2010 at 3:41 pm by Emily
Keanu Reeves certainly does. He’s taken a break from being Sad Keanu to chat up co-star Alex Winter and the writers of the original Bill and Ted movies, Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon, about the possibility of a third movie:
Reeves said: ”We’re trying. Alex and I are still friends and we’re talking, and we’re talking to Chris and Ed. They’re going to try and see if they can write something. To me, I’d love to play the role. I’d love to work with Alex and Chris and Ed again. We’ll see what they do. I’m meeting people now – they’ve shown the film to their kids. We just seek to entertain.”
I don’t think I’ve heard news this exciting since I heard about Justin Bieber at Hooters (I’m a pretty excitable person). When I was a young child, full of whimsy and curiosity, my older stoner sister and I could only agree on three movies: Labyrinth, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and this really creepy Claymation movie about Mark Twain. And sure, when I told my friend about this movie she asked “what are they going to call it, Bill and Ted’s Tubular Mid-Life Crisis?” And yes, George Carlin was an integral part of the movies. But my seven-year-old, “why is 69 their favorite number?” self cannot help but be thrilled.
September 20, 2010 at 9:33 am by Emily
If so, God … this could be the best thing that’s ever happened to Reeves
‘ career! You go, boy!
The folks at TMZ caught quite a lip-lock gropefest that occurred between the two after dinner together last night in Beverly Hills. I just can’t imagine this not being real, especially if someone like the A-listed Theron was willing to appear groping and nuzzling the likes of Keanu Reeves in public while rocking back and forth like tenth-grade sweethearts. In Beverly Hills, of all places.
If y’all want to lead such private lives, you better keep it in your pants in public, man. Those TMZ bastards are fucking everywhere.
Vid courtesy of TMZ