Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves has a house intruder problem

keanu reeves

Keanu Reeves can’t seem to get any peace lately, as he’s had TWO home intruders in the span of two days… and one of them was naked! Incidentally, both were women and presumably wanted to get a bit freaky, but they were both dragged off for mental evaluation and no one was hurt.

From TMZ:

It’s was the SECOND time in 2 days … a woman waltzed into Keanu’s home through an unlocked door. Keanu was gone … a cleaning crew inside the house left the front gate open and never flagged the intruder.

Law enforcement sources tell us … she got naked and jumped in his shower, then took a skinny dip in the pool. Only then did the crack cleaning crew get suspicious and call Reeves, who called 911.

He certainly knew the drill.  The day before another woman broke into his house when he was sleeping. He found her in his library and talked to her briefly before calling 911.

I’m assuming he has a security system set up, but it seems it’s not a very good one if two people are getting in within two days, completely undetected. What’s going on here? And why is this all of a sudden happening NOW rather than, say, when The Matrix came out or something? It all seems so random. Glad he’s okay, though.

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Keanu Reeves is coming to our TV screens

keanu reeves

Like other major film stars before him, Keanu Reeves has decided to make the leap from the big screen down to our TVs as he’ll be directing and starring in a new series called Rain, which should be coming to our screens this fall.

From Deadline:

Keanu Reeves is making a foray into television with Rain, an hourlong series from Slingshot Global Media based on the best-selling book series by Barry Eisler. The Matrix star will topline the globe-trotting action drama and will executive produce alongside Chad Stahelski and David Leitch, his directors in the upcoming feature John Wick, as well as Eisler and Slingshot Global Media, which will distribute the show. Rain marks Reeves’ first major TV series acting and producing gig.

Rain centers on John Rain (Reeves), a half-Japanese, half-American contract assassin who specializes in taking out his targets by making it look like death by natural causes. An outsider in whatever world he’s in, Rain ironically finds that the one identity he knows – that of being a hitman – is the very thing that prevents him from bringing others closer into his life. Eisler’s series of novels featuring Rain, on which the show is based, includes A Clean Kill In Tokyo, A Lonely Resurrection, Winner Take All, Redemption Games, Extremis, The Killer Ascendant, The Detachment and Graveyard Of Memories.

“As a huge fan of Barry’s work, I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to bring his iconic character and incredible world to life,” Reeves said. “I’m looking forward to partnering with Slingshot on my first series, and reteaming with Chad and David.” Most recently, Reeves made his directorial debut with the critically well-received Man Of Tai Chi.

There is no network assigned to this yet and they don’t even have a writer, but they are looking for one and are planning to start shopping the series soon. I’m sure it’ll find a home somewhere. Let’s all just keep Keanu happy, please.

What do you think? Would you watch this series?

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Hark! It’s the return of Sad Keanu Reeves!

keanu reeves 2

Remember when Sad Keanu was a meme? Everyone thought poor Keanu Reeves was depressed and damn near suicidal just because he was chilling on a park bench on his own, eating a sandwich. You know what I’m talking about:

sad keanu

Well, prepare for part two of the Sad Keanu movement, because he’s back and looking sadder than ever in New York. He was photographed on Friday having a drink and smoke outside on his own… you know, like normal people do all the time without becoming an Internet sensation. True, he does look “sad”… and by sad I mean like he’s chillin’ and enjoying his day.

keanu reeves 3

Just let poor Keanu Reeves live his life!

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Keanu Reeves Rides the Subway, Is Gentlemanly

Someone surreptitiously smartphone-filmed actor Keanu Reeves on the subway. You all know how I feel about really rich dudes who ride the subway, right?

So there Keanu was, just chilling in his seat like an everybro, when he noticed a woman lugging a really big Adidas bag. And he asked her if she wanted his seat, and she said yes, and nary a flicker of recognition dartled across her face.

Real heroism is made up of tiny, barely-noticeable acts of kindness, so I hereby christen Keanu Hero of the Day.

Sad Keanu Pens A Sad Book of Sadness

A photo of Keanu Reeves

Yes, the book is titled Ode to Happiness.  Happiness, you know, that elusive feeling that Keanu Reeves has been searching for for years?  Here’s a brief description of the book:

“I draw a hot sorrow bath. In my despair room,” reads one line.

Each page of the book features a line more somber than the last — printed in large ink blot letters that look as though they’ve been smudged by falling tears. The book ends with a single black hole and the words, “It can always be worse.”

Oh, Keanu, I feel your pain so deeply, for I, too, know the false comfort of a hot sorrow bath, and I, too, know the beauty of a notebook full of emotions and self loathing and words made unrecognizable by tears of anguish.  I know you, Keanu, and I hope you can find some solace in that.

Oh, wait … you’re joking?

“I was in my kitchen hanging out with my friend Janey, and the radio was on,” Reeves said in explaining the inception of his book. “And this station was playing, like, an orgy of depressing, self-pitying, nostalgic music … It was so voluptuously horrible. And I just started to write on this piece of paper, because I had this image of, you know, that moment when you take a bath, you light that candle, and you’re really just kind of depressed. And it was making Janey laugh so hard, I just kept going, piling on the self-pity.”

Well, then I’ll weep for my lost brother in torment during my next hot sorrow bath.  I’ll also eagerly await Keanu’s next book idea to pan out – he calls it Haikus of Hope, and it would be “basically like, ‘I want to kill myself,’ and go from there.” Such an artist, that Keanu.

Keanu Reeves Goes Christmas Tree Shopping, Is Still So Sad

A photo of Keanu Reeves

Photos via JustJared

I don’t know about you guys, but I can watch Keanu Reeves do just about anything, so when I woke up this morning to find that the Christmas special of Saved by the Bell was on (the two-parter where Zack falls in love with the homeless girl who works at the mall, could you just die?!) and that there were a bunch of pictures of Keanu shopping for a tree on Christmas Eve, I thought it was Christmas all over again, natch.  I hope you find as much glee in these pictures as I do, whether it’s from Keanu’s lady friend‘s odd penchant for clapping, their tree on top of Keanu’s tiny little car, or the flip book that you plan on making from the pictures (other people are going to do that too, right?).

Anyway, how was your Christmas?  Did you have tons of fun? Any drug benders I need to know about?  Yeah, mine was all right.  I had fun while I was by myself, doing my hair and watching A Christmas Story for like six solid hours, but then I went to my grandma’s and was immediately attacked by everyone in my family under 35 because apparently on Thanksgiving I told them that I was going to wear a Jesus costume and bring birthday cake.  To tie this all together, at that moment, I felt just like Keanu, awash in a sea of evergreen and disappointment.

Caption This: Keanu Reeves Is Dead Inside

A photo of Keanu Reeves

Like Michael Lohan and Joe Francis before him, it looks like Keanu Reeves has joined the ranks of the Crazy Eyes, that elite task force of dicks and douchebags alike.  I’m not sure when it happened – it seems like only yesterday he was being a harmlessly horrible actor and starring in a hilarious meme – but that doesn’t matter now.  Keanu has lost his soul, and there’s nothing that can be done about that.

I’ll tell you my story of Soulless Keanu, just for the sake of solidarity.  I was browsing through potential pictures to show you guys, keeping an eye on the “Bridezillas” marathon while I did so, and then I saw the unmistakable form of Keanu in a thumbnail. Feeling a strange sense of dread and fear, I opened the picture, and all of my happiness and joy was sucked out of me into the vacuum that is Keanu’s stare. And I faltered for a moment, I did, but then I remembered my duties, and here we are.  Don’t ever say I never warned you about the demons gathering around us.

Feel free to share your story in the comments.  This is a safe place.