Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Justin Theroux

Oh, Jennifer Aniston is Getting Married, Too

photo of jennifer aniston pictures photos pics
From TMZ:

Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend Justin Theroux are planning a wedding thousands of miles away from Hollywood … TMZ has learned.

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston’s dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ … Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.

Of course she’s getting married. And you know what? I bet that she and Justin were engaged months before Angelina and Brad were, and they just kept it under wraps because they’re very personal people who don’t feel the need to discuss their private lives, their previous relationships, or the best ways to be a Stage 5 Clinger keep the home fires alive.

And speaking of “home,” they’ve already plopped down twenty-one million dollars for a four-bedroom, seven-bathroom sitting atop three oceanfront acres of property that also happens to come with a vineyard. Do you know what twenty-one million would do for a nation of impoverished children? I mean, God. The least she could do is adopt two or three or six of them.

Anyway, the source is TMZ, which is pretty credible, and if the July date is real, then Brad and Angelina will definitely have no competition for Biggest Wedding Ever. But it’s not like there’s, you know, any kind of real competition anyway, guys. Come on now. This isn’t 2005 or whatever, you know.

Justin Theroux Breakdanced on Ellen for Jennifer Aniston

OK, OK – it wasn’t really *for* Jen, but she allegedly sent his Very Special Breakdancing Shoes to the set, and after Ellen approached the topic of his secret talent, he had no other option but to show both Ellen and the audience a few choice moves.

What does that mean? Well, it means that we’ve got Justin Theroux, multitalented dude who can dance, ride a mean motorcycle, capture the hearts of prolific women (right; that one was the easy one, really), act, and produce/direct. He can also be pretty evasive when he needs to be, and when you’re dating Jennifer Aniston, I most definitely think one needs to be. Seems like such a catch, right?

I mean, aside from the whole thing about him having the poor judgement in dating a woman who makes him wear a gold ring with his own name on it, and how he unceremoniously dumped his ex-girlfriend of, like, a decade for her, he’s actually kind of cute and endearing. He does engaging interviews. Women ‘woo!’ for him. And finally, the pièce de résistance – he breakdances. Have you ever slept with a dude who could breakdance? If you have? Well. I think I rest my case.

Good for you, Jen. All things considered, of course.

This Might Be the Stupidest Thing I’ve Ever Seen, Jennifer Aniston

photo of justin theroux's jennifer aniston ring pictures photos
You know what this is? It’s a ring. That says ‘Justin‘. As in ‘Theroux’. Who is wearing it, and not because he’s such a ditz that he often forgets his own name and needs a reminder. Nope, he’s wearing it because Jennifer Aniston is making him under penalty of public breakdown it’s a symbol of his and Jennifer Aniston’s undying love for one another. Yup. She’s even got one to match, and hers is aptly screams ‘Jennifer‘. See?:

photo of jennifer aniston's ring justin theroux engagement pics
The two were photographed on the red carpet for their new movie, Wanderlust, which also stars Paul Rudd. Who is completely hot, but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss such frivolity – not when we’ve got Jennifer “6th Grade” Aniston making her boyfriend wear a ring that I owned in 8th grade. Mine said ‘Sarah’ though, and if, for some reason, I found it necessary to buy matching rings for my boyfriend and myself (which I didn’t because first, I was in 8th grade and who’s got 8th grade money like that?, and two, because I’m not a possessive weirdo) I’d make sure he wore the ring that said MY name, whereas I’d wear the ring that said HIS name. Because that’d just make sense. We remember ‘sense’, don’t we?

I don’t know what these guys have up their sleeves, or if they’re considering this a pre-pre-engagement ring, but I do know that it might be one of the tackiest things I’ve ever seen in life. Nice move, Jen. You f-cking cheeseball.

Quotables: Justin Theroux Doesn’t Want to Talk About Jennifer Aniston, OK?

photo of justin theroux pictures photos pics hot dating jennifer aniston interview photo
“She’s the most adorable little cookie you’ve ever seen. She looks like she just smoked an exploding cigar. … I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it. That’s building your own torture device.”

This would be Justin Theroux talking about his dog in the first half of that quote – and yes, I know, it would have been a hell of a lot funnier if he was talking about his girlfriend or, you know, ‘that chick who makes him happy’, Jennifer Aniston. The second part, though, is definitely about her. Or maybe it’s about his dog still. I don’t know. Please don’t ask me to fathom the mind of a man who’d willingly get involved with someone like Jennifer Aniston. It’s like those dudes who hook up with Taylor Swift even though they know she’s going to write a big, nasty song about how mean they are and how all of their subsequent girlfriends are hos and stuff. I mean, he’s just asking for it, even though he’s not asking for it by saying he’s not indulging it – read: asking for it.

What do you guys think of Justin Theroux? Think he’s an OK guy? Think he’s good for Jennifer Aniston? Moreover, think he’s going to marry Jennifer Aniston eventually or just hide behind cryptic quotes like “I’m happy”?

5 Couples We Wish Would Split Up

photo of vanessa paradis and johnny depp breaking up pics
No, no – we don’t wish that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis would snap it off (generally). But in light of all of the lost love in the world, we decided to compile a list of 5 couples that we wish the ultimate demise upon: the big breakup. What with Seal and Heidi Klum calling it quits, and Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis (and, of course, you can’t forget – sniff, sniff – Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries), we thought it prudent to really stick it to those who deserve it, rather than those who should just be together for the rest of their lives for the public’s sake.

In no particular order, The List:

#5 – Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison
photo of courtney stodden and doug hutchison pictures photos breakup
OK, no one’s going to disagree with me on this one, right? Their relationship, frankly speaking, is weird and unnatural and honestly, pretty damn gross. Not that I, you know, sit around and fantasize about celebrities having sex (I do have other things to do, my friends), but even trying to think about these two in the sack takes my appetite away. And that’s a hard, hard thing to do these days, guys.

#4 – Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes
photo of ryan gosling and eva mendes breakup pics
Because, duh. Who wants to continue seeing these two sucking face all over chic European countries and West Coast bistros? Not this girl, that’s for damn sure. Ryan needs to go back to his roots of down-home sweetness and women with genteel manners and … I don’t know, f-cking hoop skirts or something. Eva Mendes is just not where all that is at.

#3 – Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux
photo of jennifer aniston and justin theroux breakup pics
I don’t know about you guys, but it seems to me that Jennifer only dates a high-ish profile man is when she’s in the throes of promoting one of her films. As far as I know, she doesn’t have anything important coming down the line as of yet, so I fully expect these two to completely drop off the radar sometime in 2012. Plus, Jennifer Aniston is just (more) annoying (than usual) when she’s dating anyone, really. Sorry, girl, but some people just aren’t meant to be.
*Image courtesy of Celebuzz

#2 – Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart
photo of jennifer lopez and casper smart dating pictures photos breakup
Again, I don’t want to wish ill upon anyone and their, you know, “true love that transcends age, generation, and backup dancer syndrome,” but this is just silly. I realize that J. Lo is a big girl and can string along a young kid if she wants, throwing money at him all the while like she’s the female P. Diddy, but they’ve only been dating for something like weeks now and I’m already sick of hearing about them. Go and celebrate and get married and disappear forever, guys, or break the hell up and get off my mind.

#1 – Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick
photo of kourtney kardashian and scott disick pictures photos breakup pic
I don’t know, is it in poor taste to wish relational demise upon a woman who’s expecting a child? I don’t think so, considering who she’s with. I’m not a big Kardashian-lover as it is, but if there’s anyone who’s bad news, it’s the American Psycho-looking Scott Disick, who always seems to be just one mildly angry outburst away from relapsing into full-blown alcoholism and mirror-smashing. You wanna raise your kiddos around a ticking time-bomb, Kourt? I sure wouldn’t.

What about you guys – anyone in Hollywood you’d like to see cut their ties this year? Anyone on this list you hope lasts, you know, forever and ever?

Which Celebrity Would You Like to Have as A Neighbor?

A photo of Courtney Stodden

Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.

But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”

Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.

But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.

According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”

But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.

Watch This: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Milk a Goat

Photo: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux milk a goat in 'Wanderlust'

If I’m not mistaken—AND I SELDOM AM—Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend Justin Theroux first met on the set of Wanderlust. And when I see them together with the, uh, the goat (pictured), I can finally understand how those sparks first flew.

I am pretty excited about Wanderlust. Maybe the trailer itself is a little lackluster, but the movie is directed by David Wain, through whose veins run pure absurdist gold. (Sorry, I can damn near recite Wet Hot American Summer from heart.) Plus, it stars Paul Rudd! Hmmmm. Now that I think of it, Jen and Paul also costarred in The Object of My Affection—not that anybody remembers the mid-90s anymore. Ah, well.

Anyway, check out the trailer. I spy Ken Marino and Kerri Kenney (both “The State” alumni), and shapeshifting Justin Theroux is nigh unrecognizable as a member of a commune:

(Image via CNN.)