Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Is Radiant, Orange, and Gigantic

Photo: Jessica Simpson on her way from Saks Fifth Avenue yesterday

HOLY MARY MOTHER OF PEARL. What in tarnation does Jessica Simpson have in there?

I know, I know. Maybe it’s just the dress. (Oh, my word, that dress.)

No, I shouldn’t pick on Jess. The fact is, she is a very, very good-lookin’ pregnant person. Objectively, I am nowhere as cute even on my best days. Jess looks fine. Great, even. But she’s so… so big! And orange! She’s at that stage in her pregnancy where there is no longer a “baby on board”: Jessica Simpson is essentially a baby with adult legs attached to it.

I do like the way her enormous, fashionable hobo bag matches those—those heels! Woman, what are you thinking! Peep-toe slingback platform heels are barely OK for non-pregnant midday shopping!

Jessica, you’re out of control! Maybe you should listen to this song a few times.

(Image gallery swiped from Radar Online.)

It’s A Girl!

A photo of Kourtney Kardashian

Hooray! Kourtney Kardashian is going to give birth to a little girl! Can you believe it? This newest Kardashian will be an asset to the Kardashian empire: she will inherit all. While Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney are getting too old for their shenanigans (will they ever get too old for their shenanigans though, or will we be seeing Kim famewhoring at 50?), this new generation shall rise up and bring this family to new heights. Or, wait, will people still care about the Kardashians in twenty years? Is it sad that I have to actually present that as a question because I really don’t know?

Regardless, I’m happy for Kourtney. I’m sure she’ll have fun with a little baby girl, and judging by the unbearable cuteness of Kourtney’s son, Mason, this little baby will be a stunner. BABIES.

Can I tell you something? I think that while Khloe is definitely the best Kardashian, Kourtney is the underrated Kardashian. The more I watch her – and oh, do I watch her – the more I like her. I thought she was solid on this season of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and I think she actually seems like a really good mom. Anybody else?

Oh, and speaking of little girls, guess who else is having one?

A photo of Jessica Simpson

Yep, Jessica Simpson has a bouncing baby girl in her uterus as well! Hoorays all around!

From People:

The fashion mogul, who is planning a March baby shower, recently visited L.A.’s Bel Bambini boutique to pick out clothing and accessories for her little one – and one observer noticed that Simpson, 32, was thinking pink.

“Jessica and her mom [Tina Simpson] and spent over an hour at the store,” the observer tells PEOPLE. “She took her time picking out the perfect baby items.”

She’s having her baby shower in March? Baby showers usually come pretty soon before the actual baby, right? Can we assume that Jessica is due in March then? All she’s said before is that she’s due in the spring, and judging by the size of her tummy, I can’t imagine this baby will still be in there in April or May. I’m going to go ahead and guess that if she doesn’t have that baby within the next month, when she does have it, it will actually be three or more babies. She’s huge. And adorable!

You guys. Babies. Who’s next?

Jessica Simpson Doesn’t Want to Grunt Her Baby Out

photo of jessica simpson pregnant pictures photos recent 2012 pics
Isn’t that something else? I’ve always kind of scratched my head over those who’d prefer to schedule a C-section rather than give birth vaginally, but I suppose it’s more of a preference thing than anything. See, me, personally, I’d rather go through the work of pushing and shoving and possibly soiling myself on a sterile delivery room table among stranger hospital staff (and whatever OB my group designates to be available that day and medical students) than have someone knock me out to cut through a cornucopia of layers of muscle and skin and organ parts with a super-sharp scalpel, and not because I’m “afraid” of the scarring. I just don’t really see the appeal in a healing process that takes 6 times longer than a more traditional delivery, which, for me at least, took only hours, if not days, the first go-round. Plus, the idea of being cut open in general is SCARY. The worst injury (knock on wood) I’ve ever had is a fractured ankle, and that’s surprising for as awkwardly clumsy as I am in my day-to-day life.

But for Jess, word on the street is that she’s going under the knife, though there’ve been no confirmations if so, and for what reason. From our friends at Earsucker:

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Quotables: Jessica Simpson’s Got Some Child-Like Pregnancy Cravings

photo of jessica simpson pregnancy photos 2012 pics
“I had a buttered Pop Tart this morning. I’m eating a lot of stuff that I ate in my childhood. Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, Pop Tarts, Cap’n Crunch. Everything’s filled with sugar.[I] give into my cravings. I’m like, ‘Yeah, I can do it. We’ll worry about the rest afterwards’.”

Oh, totally my kind of girl. Buttered Pop Tarts? Never had ‘em, but now I’ll have to try. Macaroni and cheese and Cap’n Crunch? Yum. Now I need to go out to the store and get some Cap’n Crunch. With CRUNCH BERRIES. NOM NOM NOM.

No, but seriously, it’s really awesome that Jess is all “I’m going to eat what I want and not worry about putting whatever weight I put on on” because though she’s definitely bingeing on high-calorie, sugary, carbohydrate-laden foods, she’s probably loads better off than the pregnant moms-to-be who, you know. Don’t eat. And their babies come out looking like they’re about to hit the runway for next season’s fall fashion line, and their moms are ready to hit the runway for this season’s spring line, like, last month.

My personal pregnancy cravings have included a lot of tuna, lemon ice, soda (which I generally despise), spaghetti and meatballs (which, if you know me personally, is par for the course; I could eat that garbage every day regardless), bananas, and Starbucks brownies. And I’m sure my son is going to come out just fine, you know? Food is food.

Anyway, you go, Jess. I’m pulling for you one way or the other. Take the weight off, don’t take the weight off, it’s all the same to me. You look great and your baby’s going to be one special kid, too.

Jessica Simpson Is So Pregnant

A photo of Jessica Simpson

I know, you’ve already heard two different stories about babies today, but look. After all the nonsense surrounding Beyonce and little Miss Blue, it’s time to cleanse our souls, don’t you think? It’s time to appreciate something that isn’t shrouded in secrecy and weirdness and lies. And you guys, there is no one better to cleanse souls and to make you smile like pregnant Jessica Simpson.

She’s just SO CUTE! Her gigantic bump, her gigantic boobs, her gigantic smile! If anybody ever had a doubt as to what that glow everyone talks about when they talk about pregnant ladies, I think you can just take a gander at Jessica Simpson and you’ll be able to figure it out. She just looks so happy and so lovely these days that you can’t help but be happy for her.

Oh, speaking of her gigantic bump, do you remember when Jessica was so obviously pregnant but not talking about it? Back towards the end of October, we all thought that Jessica had to be around six months along, which would mean that, by our estimations, she would give birth sometime around the end of this month. And judging by these pictures, that seems totally accurate, right?

Not so much, actually. Jess did an interview recently, and here’s what she had to say about her pregnancy:

“I feel great. The pregnancy’s going great. I’m just waddling around now. We’re not saying the due date but it’s in the spring so it’s coming. I do want to be surprised [on the gender but], we’ve gone through all different kinds of names but we’re pretty much set on our name so we’ll see what happens.”

What? I know that this isn’t the first time she’s mentioned that she’s due in the spring, but … look at the pictures! She seriously has months to go?! What is she pregnant with, triplets? How is this possible? I can’t, I just can’t.

Also, how unfortunate is it for Beyonce that Jessica is pregnant during the same time she was pretending to be pregnant? Sometimes I think that the pillow Beyonce’s stuffed under her shirt sometimes would never have gotten as much attention as it did if Jessica Simpson hadn’t been so clearly and beautifully pregnant too. Like, if there was no other celebrity that the media loved to gossip about who Beyonce could have been compared to, things would have gone so much more smoothly and believably. But then I realize that Beyonce’s baby bump was so ridiculous that there’s no way it could have gone unnoticed.

But this isn’t about Beyonce! This is about how unbelievably darling Jessica Simpson is these days. It’s also about speculating just how many babies she’s got in there. Because seriously, how many babies does she have in there?!

Love It or Leave It: Jessica Simpson’s Maternity Wear

photo of jessica simpson maternity wear hot pictures photos bad clothes pic
So, you guys know how much I love Jessica Simpson, and how she’s completely and utterly my favorite pregnant celebrity to date, right? Good, then you’ll relize, when I say “Holy f-ck, Jess” that it’s coming from a place of understanding and love, but also of fear for the concept of maternity wear as it’s generally intended to be. Because wearing your pre-pregnancy “fat” shirt when you’re seven months pregnant or whatever isn’t considered “maternity clothing,” and when you wear your pre-pregnancy “fat” shirt during pregnancy, you only, indeed, succeed in looking pre-pregnancy fat. I would know.

You still look great, Jess, and I wouldn’t sweat this advice – it’s not such valid talk coming from me, who’s no fashion plate, please believe – but damn. That’s one ugly outfit.

Jessica Simpson’s Setting Limits on Her Pregnancy

photo of jessica simpson pictures photos pics
From a Rachael Ray show transcript via The Insider:

In the episode, set to air December 12, Simpson named her craving of the week. “This week it’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toasted. And then, I’ll put some salt on my hand, like I’m taking a tequila shot, and then take a bite of the sandwich.”

When her sister Ashlee revealed on the show that she had gained a whopping 52 pounds during her pregnancy, Jessica had to set the record straight: “I’m gonna try to not go over 200 pounds.” Jessica did say the pregnancy has changed her eating strategy. “I get full really quick, so I just eat a lot throughout the day.”

First of all, does that peanut-butter-and-jelly-with-salt thing actually sound kind of delicious, or am I experiencing weird cravings of my own here? Second, two hundred pounds? I know she been a curvier girl these days, and each of her tits probably weigh close to fifteen pounds these days, but that’s a lot of good eating right there, folks. Good for you, girl!